Hogwarts Friendships

Things I’ve heard my friend say

[housefriendships]

*watching a commercial trying to make the yeti sexy*

hufflepuff: they aren’t seriously trying to convince us these people want to fuck the yeti right?

ravenclaw: i don’t know, i’d be curious

hufflepuff: babe, you’re gay

ravenclaw: monster fucker first, lesbian second

[housefriendships]

*staring out at a lake at twilight, mist rolling across the water*

hufflepuff: what would you do if we heard my voice calling for help behind us in those trees?

slytherin: what like a wendigo?

hufflepuff: yeah sure

slytherin: idk nothing? what are we going to do, make a run for it?

hufflepuff: yeah like it’s dark, I have glasses and you have asthma, we aren’t getting very far

slytherin: guarantee i’d twist my ankle too

[housefriendships]

*watching a YouTuber play a horror game about a stalker*

Hufflepuff: horror games always try to make some big thing with monsters and ghosts, but real life is terrifying on its own

Slytherin: seriously. I would take my chances with a fucking ghost over a human man any day

[housefriendships]

Hufflepuff: *gets up and walks down the apartment hallway*

Slytherin: where are you going?

Hufflepuff: I can literally only go to two rooms down this hall - my room or the bathroom. why does it matter?

Slytherin: I like to stay involved in your life

[housefriendships]

Ravenclaw: did you try drawing stars in the notebook at work and say it was impossible?

Hufflepuff: yeah, are you about to be smug?

Ravenclaw: *sends a picture of an even five point star drawn within a hexagon and a circle*

Hufflepuff: I meant free hand, that’s cheating

Ravenclaw: oh. well then yeah it’s impossible, I had to use trig to figure this out

[housefriendships]

Hufflepuff: I can’t believe you didn’t know there was a reset button on the router

Slytherin: what do I look like, a tech genius?

Hufflepuff: what did you think I was doing, sticking a lead pencil into some wires?

Slytherin: no I just thought you found the sweet spot

Hufflepuff: the what?

Slytherin: like the gooch. like the router’s gooch

[housefriendships]

Slytherin: hey the wifi is out again

Hufflepuff: *sticks a pencil into the reset port* give it a few minutes, it should work fine

Slytherin: that was the most Aquarian thing I’ve ever seen. how did you figure out sticking a pencil in it makes it work?

Hufflepuff: *realizes Slytherin knows less about technology than they originally thought* I have a sense for these things

[housefriendships]

Hufflepuff: I’m not taking the bait, you’re just being a sourpuss.

Slytherin: excuse me?

Hufflepuff: you’re a sourpuss. I’ve accepted this about you.

Slytherin: I’m not gonna lie, calling me a c*** would have hurt less.

[housefriendships]

Slytherin: *drops pie crust halfway to their mouth*

Hufflepuff: you are the reason I have to vacuum every day

Slytherin: dude fuck off I have adhd I forget I’m holding the food

[housefriendships]

Hufflepuff: I wish we could go pet a cow

Ravenclaw: why can’t we pet a cow? there’s plenty past the highway

Hufflepuff: we’re in the city now, we can’t just pet a cow, we don’t know anyone here

Slytherin: I’ll fuck a farmer if he lets me pet his cow

Ravenclaw: maybe if we tag team it he’ll give us the cow

Hufflepuff: this is sexual bartering, but if it gets me a cow, I’m cool with it

[housefriendships]

Slytherin: quietly lurking in the doorway

Hufflepuff: can i help you?

Slytherin: i’m bored

Hufflepuff: do you want to do something?

Slytherin: no...

Hufflepuff: let me know when you think of something

Slytherin: i’ll just come back in five minutes

Hufflepuff: please don’t

[housefriendships]

Slytherin: doing vigorous jazz hands as their coffee is brewing

Hufflepuff: dude what are you doing?

Slytherin: if i can convince myself I’m not tired I won’t be tired anymore

Hufflepuff: I don’t think that’s how it works

Slytherin: its a mindset baby, I got this

[housefriendships]

Slytherin: this adderall is killing me. can you please fix my dry mouth?

Hufflepuff: I can spit in your mouth if you want

Slytherin: anything else?

Hufflepuff: nope

Slytherin: guess I’ll die then

[housefriendships]

Slytherin: how do you feel about me right now?

Hufflepuff: solid 9

Slytherin: what? why 9?

Hufflepuff: i don’t know nothing’s perfect I guess?

Slytherin: bitch i think you’re a 10 what have i done to deserve this

[housefriendships]

Slytherin: hey come over and hang out with us

Ravenclaw: i can’t i’ll get you guys sick

Slytherin: bitch it’s the flu pop an Advil and get over here

[housefriendships]

Slytherin: i’m thinking about getting some tattoos

Ravenclaw: ooh what kind?

Slytherin: is it crazy to say a face tattoo? like a cute, small one?

Ravenclaw: now i want one. did you know they can make them glow in the dark now?

Hufflepuff: *thinking a small face tattoo would be cute but knowing they’re the impulse control of the group* guys wait let’s think first

[housefriendships]

Slytherin: this stupid juul won’t stay on the charging thingy

Hufflepuff: aren’t you supposed to charge those things vertically?

Slytherin: yeah but there isn’t a vertical power outlet by the couch so

Hufflepuff: why don’t you just turn the block around so the juul rests on the WiFi router block?

Slytherin: you’re literally the smartest fucking person I know.