House of the Battle Genie

[cephalophor]

The first funny bitch was Cain, who straight up lied to God after killing his brother.

[nakedinasnowsuit]

God: where’s Abel?

Cain: fuck if I know??? I’m not in charge of him

[thewitchway]

It is TRAGIC that you can’t read this in the original Hebrew.

God:  Where’s the Sheepkeeper?

Cain: Do I LOOK like a Brotherkeeper? 

[careful-crow]

God: hey where’s Abel???

Cain:

[adventuretfox]

He killed his yonger brother in cold blood because he was jealous of him. There is in no way anything funny about this. No hesitation just poped a rock over his turned head, droped his body over the edged and tried to lie to god about what he did. FUCK YALL CRAZIES!!!

[funkyness]

oh are those the receipts, Cain is problematic now?

[bprinny]

Cainceled 

[kraetys]

This post gets worse every reblog

[this-account-is-a-mistake]

yet im not Abel to scroll past

[schmuckered]

This post hit me like a rock to the head

[nikkoliferous]

This is the quality content that keeps me on Tumblr

[crabussy]

Why do kiwis have such massive fucking eggs “it’s because they are related to ostriches and-“ yeah ok but like why didn’t they evolve smaller eggs if I was in charge I would do that shit pronto. Thoughts?

their big eggs are actually that size for a similar reason to human babies having massive heads!! being bigger at birth can be important.

kiwi are trying SO HARD to become mammals. fur-like feathers, whisker-like feathers, little beady eyes, nocturnal, great sense of smell.... that's basically a mammal!! they're well suited for life on the forest floor.

their big eggs work alongside these adaptations to give them a leg up in the bird world. their young hatch already feathered! they're precocial, which means they're born with the ability to open their eyes and move around. like foals.

big egg = more powerful offspring from the get-go. babies don't need to spend precious time vulnerable while they develop on the ground when they've already done all that in the egg!

(unfortunately, with the introduction of mammals to aotearoa, these adaptations are a little less useful...)

[nothingimportantanywhere]

Important addition: baby kiwi come out of the egg looking like they've come out of a shower with a hangover

[assortedinsanities]

They look like one of the downsides of emerging from an egg fully formed is how aware you are off just having come out on egg. First minute alive, already dealing with some fucking experience.

[luna-azzurra]

Genuinely think the most underrated skill in writing is knowing when a scene is done. not perfect. done. there's a version of every scene that keeps going because you're scared to leave it, scared it wasn't enough, scared the next scene is harder. so you keep adding. one more line. one more beat. one more little moment. and the scene dies from it. it needed to end three paragraphs ago and you just kept talking because you didn't want to face what came next. same as real life actually.

[flyinghellfish]

[krafterwrites]

[bandalbitch]

what would i Even dm my moots like Hello Internet Friend

[wertfi-penguin]

Maybe the most damming thing about Nolans odyssey is i haven’t seen a single gifset from it

[geekyhistoriansunite]

[warmleveret-deactivated20170910]

as funny as “those are his hooves you bitch” I’m mad that it overshadows that lil wayne really did have socks on in a jacuzzi 

[nenchaenmoved-blog]

can y'all stop just throwing random words together and expecting us to understand it

[re-bee-key]

you had to be there

[depsidase]

[lostinhistory]

[curlicuetruth]

found this in one of the news articles

I can’t decide whether seven bushmaster bites means you should stay away from bushmasters or declare yourself bushmaster king

[themarchrabbit]

Out of curiosity, I looked this up to verify the details. The name of the establishment was the Cape Fear Serpentarium and this tale is everything promised.

So the owner’s name was Dean Ripa, and he died in May 2017. His wife, Regina Ripa, was found to be unable to distinguish right from wrong at the time of the murder, was ruled not guilty by reason of insanity, and was committed to a psychiatric care facility instead of being convicted. In real life, this is an extremely rare ruling, and from what I read, she had a history of instability where she suffered from delusions and paranoia. When law enforcement had come out to the residence earlier that day because of a call she made, Dean, her husband, did in fact tell the officers she was genuinely unwell and needed to take her medication.

Their child was, at the time, three, and was unharmed in the incident. As the child was the rightful owner of Dean Ripa’s estate, the Serpentarium was unable to remain open legally. Being a child, they were unable to legally hold the necessary permits for the snakes their father had on the premises. A family friend had attempted to keep it going, but it looks like it was legally too complicated.

There was an article written about the site and Dean Ripa himself in the Oxford American that was posted posthumously. It provides a lot of detail and background on Dean Ripa, who was, to put it mildly, an intense man.

There are pictures on Trip Advisor of the exhibits.

[seaweed-official]

reblog if you're pro sexualization for pervert purposes in art

[thestuffedalligator]

Human Is is a 1955 Philip K. Dick sci-fi short story where a guy goes to another planet for work and when he comes back to Earth his personality has flipped from an asshole to a sweet, kind, considerate man. Everyone's immediately convinced that an alien has taken over his body, this goes all the way to court, and in court his wife testifies that she's noticed no changes at all and so the charges are dropped.

And then there's a bit right at the end of the story as the wife and the husband are walking out of court:

Jill turned abruptly. "What is your name? Your real name."

The man's gray eyes flickered. He smiled a little, kind, gentle smile. "I'm afraid you would not be able to pronounce it. The sounds cannot be formed..."

Jill was silent as they walked along, deep in thought. The city lights were coming on all around them. Bright yellow spots in the gloom. "What are you thinking?" the man asked.

"I was thinking perhaps I will still call you Lester," Jill said. "If you don't mind."

"I don't mind," the man said. He put his arm around her, drawing her close to him. He gazed down tenderly as they walked through the thickening darkness, between the yellow candles of light that marked the way. "Anything you wish. Whatever will make you happy."

And I. God. There's something there. A soupcon of monsterfuckery. To tell your partner in a moment of intimacy that yes, you're something so inhuman that the lips you're stealing can't speak your actual name. You're a parasite that not only had the ability to burrow under this man's skin and take over his life, but you were so desperate to escape a dead, dry, blasted planet that you did.

And for your partner to then turn around and go "I know, I've always known, and I love you" is just. God I know it's not a great Dick story but something about it is making me lose my mind

[turing-tested]

guess who just found out the difference between wax paper and parchment paper the hard way

[vraska-theunseen]

wait what’s the difference?

[turing-tested]

one you can use in the oven safely and the other you can also use in the oven if the thing you are trying to make happens to be fire

[romcommunist]

elm trees my only friend

[romcommunist]

every tree grabbed my ass and beat me senseless. so much so that my allergist scribbled more trees! and yet the lovely elm cradled and comforted me

[headspace-hotel]

[shithowdy]

today i took the worst photo of a loon one can possibly take while remaining identifiably a loon

[shithowdy]

loon :)

[shithowdy]

i painted my loon :)

[probablybadrpgideas]

Milk of Kelis

A sealed, glass bottle of milk with a rhythmic, pulsing light. Legend speaks to its ability to bring all the boys to the yard. When shaken as a bonus action, 1d4 male commoners are summoned around the user. Although there is no use limit as ALL the boys may be brought to the yard, there is a risk with each shake as a descending die must be rolled starting at d20, then 12, 10, 8, 6, 4, and finally 2. On a 1, the “Caught Out There” effect is applied. An equal number of angry women drive the boys away while a woman’s voice screams “I hate you so much right now” for 3 turns (DC20 charisma saving throw to resist paralysis, dc15 wisdom to avoid 2d4 psychic damage). At the end of three rounds, each party member is targetted by the fireball spell. The risk resets every day at the stroke of midnight. If the bottle is destroyed or the milk released the most recent holder is confused for 10 turns with no chance to save.

[hymneminium]

#oh my god did gallagher just discover the term dank this is so exciting #does he know it's a weed thing?? there's no way right

Of course Peter Gallagher knows that "dank" is a weed thing. He also knows that "in heat" is a sex thing and that when aliens "probe" someone it's in the anus.

These are words, not things. Heathcliff is a comic about symbols.

You're never going to get a comic where an alien actually probes someone any more than you're going to get a comic where the Man-Eating Giant eats a man. You're just going to get a dozen comics where aliens like the word "probe".

Heathcliff wears the ham helmet because it's the helmet you wear when you eat a ham. You can tell it's that helmet because it says "ham" on it. The helmet's function is determined not by its form but by its label.

summer = beach = sand = desert = mummy and thus there is the Summer Mummy. Because of symbolic associations that do not otherwise cohere.

Robots don't wear clothes but the mere act of labeling them "nude" makes them nude. And once a painting is a nude painting there has to be a fig leaf because a "nude" without a "figleaf" is "indecent".

A "ham" is a ham even when it's a car. A yam can be a ham can be a car because "yam" sounds like "ham". Symbols have overtaken things.

[dark-magician-girl-meets-world]

This is certainly true, but it's important to note that the fundamental act of a Heathcliff comic strip is for a character to remark on the fact that the symbol has overtaken the reality. The meat store invites the existence of a meat container, which invites the meat tank (tank both the vehicle and the bowl) which invites the enthusiasm of children for powerful mechanical objects. However, the gesture of the strip is not complete until the human identifies the irregularity which has occurred and states it aloud for us. The human does not question it, but they do name it. "Children love the meat tank"

It's important that Heathcliff is not the one speaking. Heathcliff is the character who dives the furthest into symbols, but he does not have a voice to speak of them. He is the avatar of the symbols and he is only spoken about. We must imagine the speaking characters in Heathcliff strips as the rebellious voices of the material crying out against the tyranny of the symbolic. At every moment once we've stepped into the treacherous world of Heathcliff, we are at risk of being pulled away by the tides of free association and similarity. However, the voice calls us back. It shows us when we have slipped too far, names the distance between us and the particular and specific which we have nearly lost. Symbols in Heathcliff are powerful; they can take you almost anywhere they want to go, but that power can be revoked simply by identifying what has happened. By explaining it. Heathcliff reassures us that the physical can win out, if only we are wise enough to perceive and to speak it, against the encroachment of the symbolic. Once we stand together and name the world truly, Heathcliff is merely a cat.

[wiionme]

[segamascott]

to make it more lynchian can't you read