howlingwoman

blog

[howlingtumbleweed]

Why does it always have to be so damned complicated. Court has again been a waste of time hard to get anywhere when the judge won’t even let you speak

Supposed to be going to Texas on Friday. Benjamin and Ekira already booked the air bnb. The appointment with the board is set and then lawyers for the girls trust. I am not sure what to even do with it all or why I am even going. I am stressed about it a bit. But I am going to make a point to see the kids while I am there. I hope.

Then back to Arkansas and the chaos of life and court again. Ugh

[howlingtumbleweed]

Why can’t I focus

Why is concentration so difficult these days

I just want to sleep

I just want to sleep until I cannot anymore

Why is concentration so hard

[howlingtumbleweed]

Wish I could go with you. Wish I could have had the life that I envisioned so often… wish I could start again, with you and us so young and carefree before everything else. Why

Couldn’t it be that way.

I love you.

I miss you.

I miss me with you.

It should have been you all along from the start

[howlingtumbleweed]

A good day ended up a crazy night.

To much of a good thing is actually a thing …

[howlingtumbleweed]

It doesn’t matter

Nothing matters

I don’t matter

[howlingtumbleweed]

I wish you Would

I miss you.

I love you

Sweet dreams or no dreams.

[howlingtumbleweed]

Why don’t you reach out if you want to talk…?

[howlingtumbleweed]

The feel of your lips, gently brushing against mine, your warm breath, you so close that I breath you in through every breathe that you release it’s like you are filling up inside me without you even touching me, yet we don’t touch just like we are letting the electricity calm down a bit first, because the excitement and fear and pull have all mingled together and we much sort it out, yet it is all to confusing too. How can there be this feeling with he and I? Where did this come from? Why has nothing ever felt like this? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I feeling like this? What if it is all wrong? What if he doesn’t really care about you? What if ex was right and you are cold hearted and incapable of love? Why do you listen to a damn thing he says?

Why do you want to be liked by everyone so badly?

Your time runs out fast and waiting for another chance seems impossible stupid of you but that doesn’t matter because alll that I am trying to do is make sure my children are set then whatever happens after that I will have to figure out but 4 has said no matter what he wouldn’t let anyone put me in a home. Lol so at least the lonely days I can know that I will just live the rest of my days being amenable to everyone so that I have connection with my kids.

Until a time I am able I will buy myself a spot with a little house and retire there, if I make it that far, with this sickness killing me, but I will hope they all get happiness, peace, acceptance and love and I will watch it all from my porch I don’t expect anything from him and I will not be going backwards, I will fight this demon until the end if need be, and I will get my eternity with him. So I keep fighting.

Even if no one else believes,… I do. Sweet dreams or no dreams.

[howlingtumbleweed]

Sweet dreams or no dreams

[howlingtumbleweed]

It means

I love you forever

[howlingtumbleweed]

The difference between always and forever …

Always meaning in all ways on all occasion

Things that last forever never come to an end — they continue endlessly. An experience that changes you forever alters you in ways that will last the rest of your life. The adverb forever literally means "eternally,"

Like always is a circle consisting of the same and forever is a straight line, never ending always going forward….

[howlingtumbleweed]

Do you know the difference in forever and always…?

I thought it was the same thing for most of my life … until very recently….

[howlingtumbleweed]

I told you to hold on when I would cower and pull away

I warned you that I would need you to hold on and help me to refocus

You scare me with the way you made me feel, and make me cower too, because I know I have messed up so much that you would be finished forever and I took that chance this time and I guess I felt like I deserved it, losing you, because of the horrible person that you feel I am, because of hurting you even a little, when I did a lot..

I have no idea how to deal with any of this foreign policy

I am just trying to redeem myself too, in God’s eyes I am forgiven but it takes time for us humans to get there too…

I am flawed. I am full of the ability to sin and I am trying to learn to listen more to what God says to me and the things that I ask for…

There will be a time when they are all grown and I am alone in it all.

I know that I tried. I continue to try and I will forever try

To be better than the me I was yesterday …More understanding than the me tomorrow and more loving and giving than the me today…

I love you then, I love you still

Sweet dreams or no dreams

Do you know the difference between always and forever?

[howlingtumbleweed]

[howlingtumbleweed]

[howlingtumbleweed]

you think or feel like she is not allowed to miss you because of what happened

She can still miss you and know that she gave you up because you deserved better than she was able to give at the time

You feel like she shouldn’t have any feelings about it because she is the one who walked away.

Even if she walked away because she struggled to know how to deal with life and living in happiness and did not know what to do with herself

She still talks to her therapist a couple times a week

She still prays for you when she says her prayers before sleep

She still can miss you and love you even if you never want to see her again.

[howlingtumbleweed]

Lost in her own

She doesn’t always see the hurt

She wants to be needed as well as wanted

That is all she has ever wanted but always felt like she wasn’t enough not enough

They say hurt people

Hurt people and I believe that is true but how long of getting help do you feel the difference

How long before others notice the difference

And that this difference is here to stay

I am missing him in ways I never did the other

Maybe…..there is hope …for you … and for him too