Untitled

[howlingwriter]

A pile of rocks

How many days do you wake up with the intention of being a new person

a better person?

How much potential do you give up on

how much do you have left?

Change is coming you can bet on it

will you adapt?

What’s your last thought at night

you hoping for life to work shit out?

What do you think about on the drive to work

wanting the season to hurry up and change thinking its going to change you?

How many bridges have you burned on the way to here

how many are left?

What in the fuck matters to you

what really fucking matters? 

Are you okay with content

do you remember what happiness is?

Where will you go

what are you going to become?

When you fall apart and pull yourself back together

are you still all there?

Whens the last time you saw a shooting star

what did you wish for?

Where do you go when you can’t go home

is it worth it?

Are you the type of person

to see more with your eyes closed?

Do you think this is what being tired meant

when your parents shrugged you off as a kid?

Are you proud to just survive

does it make you happy

are you who you want you to be

are you a product of becoming callus 

do you believe in yourself

is this winning

what are you really missing

why are you never satisfied

is your attention span fucked

do you still dream ?

[howlingwriter]

meh-idc-idk-latenighthigh

There is something to hold onto about the first cool nights of fall.

There is an unmitigated finality to the change in seasons. 

It makes you accept all that has happened.

Thing’s end.

Life keeps moving on

just like those old fucks told us when we were kids

im slowly realizing we become them.

i remember driving home in my car with the windows down

i didn’t know where the fuck i was

i remember feeling the fall air travelling through my wet hair deep into the follicles and even deeper into my skull and i felt like my brain was cooled 

like it cooled my soul

i felt myself become something new and i felt myself accept it.

seasons fuck me up

right now trying to hold it together feels like a broken dam cheaply duct taped back together trying to hold water. 

i keep fucking up my karma

i have completely fucked it

ive been thinking a lot about the moves we make as people and why we make them.

people say theres always a deeper meaning and all of this shit, but in the end none of us are as deep as we pretend to be. 

nobodies got a leg up.

we all just run around crying and pining for attention

just to feel heard and understood. 

just for a chance to get to feel human

thats so fucking weird that we do that

i think we spend way too much time watching other peoples lives 

............or what they portray as normal.

ive never reached that level of normal

i don’t know if i want to

i never learned to ask “am i doing this right?” when it comes to being an adult.

i used to think i found the weirdest friends

i was happy to find other idiots like me

everybody is somebodies outcast. 

[howlingwriter]

I threw myself at some things. 

I had become so tense and closed up, I just had to force myself to live again.

Maybe it’s what I needed to grow.

I’ve gone off the rails,

I’ve stayed on the straight and narrow.

I’ve lost myself,

I’ve loved who I’ve become.

I used to be so particular about most things in my life. Even if my life was a mess, it was a god damn organized mess. I knew where I was at. I knew where I would be at a week from now. I was OCD about where all of my belongings were. 

I’m so impulsive right now. I’ve kind of given into it and learned that everything will actually be okay. I’ve fucked around. I’ve broken hearts already. I’ve avoided responsibility. I keep telling myself I’m leaving. Perhaps I’m scared I will fall in love and get land locked here forever. Deep down I want to be free. Even if I never fucking leave, I want to be able to know, and believe, that at any moment I can run to the ocean and jump in. I can pack all my shit and head to the mountains with no regrets. I’m so distant from my family they wouldn’t really give a shit. It’s actually nothing new. I think I’ve developed commitment issues. 

For so long I wanted a relationship to happen it made me forget what freedom is. I’m still wild. I can’t deny that.

I’ve been thinking about self improvement a lot. Maybe because I hit a low, and had to do some serious bouncing back to where I am at this moment. I remember being hungover and thinking “How many people do I have to let down to start giving a shit?”. I remember it being genuine as fuck. I didn’t care, and I think it scared me. What type of heartless dick had I become?

I’ve been going the extra mile when it comes to being social. I tell people hello, and wish them well without wanting anything in return. I’ve learned to expect nothing out of life. It’s the easiest way to avoid disappointment. That sounds sad, and it fucking sucks because that’s just the way life is. 

I’m going with the flow now. 

I’m doing better. I think I’ve caught the right current.

I just stopped giving a fuck. 

[howlingwriter]

She looked at me and told said "this was fun, we should do it again". I felt bad because I knew she meant it. Such a beautiful smile. Full of innocence and hope. She saw something in me. Before she gave me a chance to see anything in her, I separated myself completely. I still hadn't gotten over someone else. I never knew the wound was still bleeding. I didn't even realize how still my heart had been. I felt like a fucking idiot for even letting myself be attached to someone who left me. Sometimes I think I'll end up dying alone because of her. Here I was looking at a girl who had such a greater chance than you at being what I need. There I was, knowing why they say only fools fall in love. There I was, never letting you go.

howling writer

[howlingwriter]

Either you’ve got some serious fucking vision problems, or you’re that type of girl that stares into the mirror for hours calling herself ugly. Or maybe you’re both. I wish I could show you what I see. I can’t keep trying to convince you. You’ll be so ugly if you never start to love yourself.

howlingwriter

[howlingwriter]

To say it was so hard to leave, you sure made it look easy.

howlingwriter

[howlingwriter]

At the threshold.

You’re still around. 

All the weight you carried has been lifted.

You’re in a good place.

I’m still standing on the edge of believing you and doubting you.

So quickly you decided to leave.

You are repeating yourself.

Tell me you love me.

Tell me I don’t understand “lately”.

I’m in love with you.

It’s fucking heartbreaking knowing you’re leaving.

It feels like the world is meaningless to imagine it without you.

No chance to pass you driving down the road.

No more hugging you.

A complete separation.

It’s almost as if you were looking forward to it.

You go on doing your daily tasks as if nothing has happened.

You act like letting me go was easy.

It’s already back to small talk.

I don’t trust you with my heart.

She cut into it one too many times.

She always latch onto big dreams.

She doesn’t live in reality.

This is where I transition into adulthood.

She remains the child. 

She kept her dreams big.

She never had to get hurt.

All the time I found myself aiming at such a small dream. 

It was such a simple way, the way I wanted her.

Any way possible.