submit hpd related things here

inspired by npd-confessions and aspd-confessions, not affiliated beyond that

[hpd-confessions]

hello. this is a blog to submit hpd related things to, because i noticed there wasnt one already.

this blog was inspired by @npd-confessions and @aspd-confessions (ask to be untagged), although we contain no relation beyond that.

i will answer asks to do with hpd, vents about the disorder, and other things.

i will not answer anything overly explicit (i understand the hypersexual nature of the disorder, and mentioning or talking about sex is fine, but if i feel you have gone too in detail, i will delete your ask), anything requesting diagnoses, discourse/drama, and hate.

do not involve this blog in discourse. i do not care. do not send hate to this blog. i will delete it and laugh, because all youre doing is giving me attention.

i may add to or update this post in the future.

[hpd-confessions]

“Oh youre attention seeking !! I hope you know that!!” Well no shit, when you’re constantly ignoring me instead of speaking to me i get desperate for attention and i tend to find it. Start paying more attention to me and i wont have to do that. “Well you’re being such an ass!” Well because im so DESPERATE for attention, im not particularly stable??? I cant control my feelings as of now??

mood. yeah.

[hpd-confessions]

trigger

trigger warning for CSA and abuse

I'm very fixated on the idea of something bad happening to me. I can't even begin to describe how desperate it's getting. I've never had an interest in regular self harm (though I have tried it), something I can be blamed for and not cared for, but I'm obsessed with the idea of someone being horrible to me. I want to be hurt, and I want someone else to hurt me, and I want everyone to think they're a horrible person. I want to suffer to the point I can't think about anything else, and I want everyone to look at me and think "wow, they've gone through it". and it's horrible!!! I'm incredibly embarrassed to share this, and I want to preface this by saying I am a victim of CSA, but I really wish I got sexually assaulted significantly further. I was forcefully kissed by one of my classmates as a small child, after struggling to run from him across the entire school thrice, and the terror haunted my nightmares for years.... but it didn't feel like enough, and no one thinks I'm a victim, and I hate calling myself a victim, because I feel like the connotation is incredibly self pitying. I had all these horrible things happen to me, but I feel like I barely fit the definition! I'm barely there! I can conform just fine, even if I'm miserable. everyone's miserable. I want to be hurt enough to deserve help and I hate myself for even thinking this beyond what I can express. I crave being violently and plainly abused every single day and it's ruining me with how often I fantasize about it!!!! the thought of someone hating me or liking me perversely enough to do something like that is ridiculously appealing and I feel just as disgusting as one of them by thinking about it

i feel you.

[hpd-confessions]

I hate how something always stops me from doing a “big show” in order to get attention. I hate how I’m aware of whenever I’m in an “episode” and I’ll stop myself from doing something that’s a direct result of the episode. I hate it. I wish I was unaware and stupid again because those times gave me the best supply. I felt incredible. Now I freak out anytime I’m ignored for more than 10 minutes and I can’t do anything about it because it’s “wrong” and embarrassing and people will only hate me more and I’ll lose everything and all these things that will never happen.

I hate how I wish I wasn’t unaware. That I want to truly believe everybody is against me. I hate how I need this to be real inside my head. I hate how I want to do all these things just to see if people would care, if people would pay attention. Why do I want this? Why do I want to be mentally unwell? Why do I want even more of this god forsaken disorder to ruin my life? Idk. Idk. Idk. i can’t believe the extreme attention seeking disorder makes me want to attention seek by having an extreme version of it.

being self aware SUCKS so bad, i feel you anon.

[hpd-confessions]

I really need to vent about my relationship, I hopw that's okay since... it's a confessions blog. I really like my partner but I regret asking them out, they're my fp and they know I'm aromantic and I want a QPR, because they're my FP and I wanted extra attention from them but now after a month it's clear to me that it was stupid. I stopped looking to date after I realized I'm aro and that I was using others, I'm not sure what made me think it's gonna be fine to get into a queerplatonic relationship if I tell them I'm doing it because they're my FP... I don't wanna lose my friend, that I get different types of attention from (like friendly, flirty, sexual etc.) but I feel like I made my dependance on my FP worse by asking them out...

god. fucking mood. sorry thats happening to you anon.

[hpd-confessions]

I am in a Queerplatonic relationship with someone, they are in a relationship with someone else and also dating someone, I was wondering if anyone here has any tips on managing polyamory and HPD? Especially when they're giving attention to someone else in your vicinity.

the way i managed it was by dating all my partners partners and then getting mad when they still liked eachother and spent time with eachother and not just me.

dont do what i did.

[hpd-confessions]

I was recently diagnosed as BPD with Histrionic aspects (?) Symptoms (?) (no clue how to say it in english) But ngl, it makes so much sense! kfjdjd

congrats on the diagnosis!

[hpd-confessions]

hi, i have a question: what is it like to have “shallow” emotions? is it like your emotions aren’t as intense? because i know that hpd and bpd is often comorbid, and for bpd a huge part of it is having very intense emotions, so i guess that rules out shallow emotions being less intense. im sorry if i explained it wrong, but im curious as to how it works

i dont actually know how to explain it. uhhhh if someone else can, that would be good?

[hpd-confessions]

hello! I do not have hpd, but you seem to have some reach in the community and im looking for feedback from people with hpd and a CDD on a term coining?

Please feel free to entirely ignore this, but if you are willing to publish this, any HPD havers who also have a CDD, please go to @antiendo-originterms and check out our recent post 🙏

TYSM in advance!! If not, i apologise dearly and hope you have a wonderful day!!!

do we??? aaaaa?????

anyway! yeah!!!

[hpd-confessions]

I feel bad whenever people do not like me because I try really hard to make myself palatable to other people and I don’t like when I can’t control other people’s perceptions of me but worse than that I hate when I have somebody I can unmask around and be myself and they criticise one of my true personality traits that isn’t put on just to please them

real and true.

[hpd-confessions]

Sometimes I worry so deeply I am lying to myself and cosplaying an emotion in order to feel like a person. I will say something or voice a concern that I don’t even think is really a concern for me, but I say it anyway because I feel like that concern is what is expected of me in this role. It makes it very hard to discern what I do and don’t feel.

Anyway my therapist says I need to do identity work-

real. i have no clue who i am.

[hpd-confessions]

Hpd culture is Mimi from super paper mario

fuck yeah.

[hpd-confessions]

One time I disappeared on some people I used to know by saying "I have to go, bye" and then simply not responding for like a week because I wanted them to worry about me and be concerned about my absence. It wasn't even the first time I'd done it, it just felt the best because of how ominous it was. It worked tho, when I came back they were all worried and shit :)

ohhh honestly so real for that. i loved my old friend group, my partner was so clingy.

[hpd-confessions]

I once faked my suicide to my friends back in 2014 on an app called Doodle Club just because I wanted to know if people would pay attention to me

ooof, i feel that.

..... i have to know though. did it work?

[hpd-confessions]

I would hide from my parents when they came to pick me up from school in the hopes they would panic and cause a big scene looking for me.

honestly so real.

[hpd-confessions]

i wish i could connect with people normally but my hpd fucks up my perception of friendship.

i want to have real friends, i do, but it's a struggle when i literally do not care about what other people want to do. i want to talk forever and do things that are fun for me, and as soon as the attention is on them and what they wanna do? i just. don't feel anything positive. i just want to do my thing again.

i also hate that i only really remember to reach out to people when i want attention. i don't actually care how they're doing, i just need my fill of being the centre of someone's focus.

it sucks.

real tbh

[hpd-confessions]

(I don't generally feel guilt so my use of guilt here is generous and inaccurate)

I have a boyfriend and he doesn't have many friends, has avoidant personality disorder and basically never talks to people, even our mutual friends, and honestly? It validates me soooo much cuz he only ever talks to me consistently, always asks for my opinion on things, always gives me attention before anyone. And as someone who's had 2 exes who cheated on me? God it is the best feeling in the fucking WORLD

But the thing is, now, he's working on it ... And trying to make friends ..... And to get out more .... And it makes me feel bad, and guilty, but I hate it. Like. Goddd I wish it was just acceptable to go "I don't want you to have other friends actually!" But like. That's horrible I can't say that but it's how I FEEL and it's horrible 💔💔💔💔💔

yeah thats a big mood.