thoughts

that are stupid and should be kept to myself

[hpelessness]

.

[hpelessness]

Monday, April 16th

Hello. It’s been a minute huh? I forgot I was going to write in this “every day” I always say I am going to do things like that. And never do.

Wanna know a secret? Ever since P I’ve been in shut down mode. Nothing in the world excites me. Which sounds dramatic as hell. It is. I hate that this is where I am right now. But let me explain what I mean. I am still doing okay in school, I am exercised, I am getting jobs and making myself a future. I am doing all the healthy things I should be in college. But I am FORCEING myself through them. If it was up to me b, I would be home and at ASU and loving on him every fucking second. But I am not allowed. I have to fake happy up here while my fate unrolls itself in Phoenix. God. I have started praying too, praying for you. Mostly that you are well and healthy and happy. But also praying to God he grants me the pleasure of being your life pal. I believe he has a full convoluted plan for us to work out. I’m just completely rambling too because get this? The day came. HN is bored of it. I feel like it always gets to this point. I exhaust my stories of you that I want to share and then people lose interest because it’s at such a road block and we all know it. It’s a waiting game, I am just worried for who is going to actually stay along for the ride. Cause I know that a few from my past left immediately after it. I just feel like I am so annoying with it, but I’m SO impatient. I am so selfish towards it. I want you to be happy so badly and I have a contorted idea that I will make you happiest than any other girl. And I am probably fucking wrong. I am 100% wrong. I just can sometimes have such a large faith in us working out and ending up happy and together. And sometimes I have such a large faith of “there are better girls out there for him.” “you may have not found better guys but, he will find better girls”. I think I need to stop.

[hpelessness]

one of those nights

where i just want to text you

and have you reply

with something quirky and dumb

but i can't. and neither can you.

[hpelessness]

Sunday, January 11th

Hey.

I'm gonna type all that I can about this weekend. It started on

Friday, January 9th

I woke up around like 7 this day. I worked on some homework for the class with little prevail. Then BP, RA, and I all went to our exercise boxing. So, that was dope. My legs still hurt. But then we went home and I had some Southwest vegatable chowder and a hard boiled egg! I'm a literal chef these days. It's lit. But here's the fun part! HN showed up! He surprised me and it was very nice and fun. We all got ready and took pictures before going out to a party. It was SN. So.. It was, how do you say? Horrible. Lmao. It was just boring and people were ehh. Ya know? There was a very cute brother of one of my acquaintances. He was so cute and we clicked so quick but then this girl essentially cock blocked me. Then we left the party.. and guess who was alone?! THE BROTHER! Ugh. I. Hate. Feeling. Things. Towards. Other. Guys. I'm so upset. So then we went to our friend's and smoked weed and hung out, talked, acted funny. It was a good time. Love making da boyz laugh.

Saturday, January 10th

Hi! So I went to another party. On this day. But first!! BP, HN, and I fucked around all day. It was so nice it made me miss home SO much. I love driving with HN and pretending like nothing exists. He's very cute!! But yes, it was good we got chipotle, went to the vape shop, and drove up a mountain with no gas. Living on the EDGE. So then we went home and my mom paid for our Chinese food. She's a sweetie. I miss her a lot. Then we went to a frat party at the usual place we've gone to all year. It's amazing. It was so fun I was happy and talking to the world. I made like 16 new buddies who I remember by name! So that's good. There was a guy on the staircase who was looking at me. He was staring at me so I started to flash little flirts by like flipping my hair and looking at him. Or just gazing up for a second but turning away right when he looked down. I'm a queen flirter. But for some reason, all at once, it came crashing down. The boy came down the stairs to see me and I chickened so hard and literally walked away from my circle to talk to strangers or closing in on just my group. He stopped looking for me and I just broke the fuck down. It sucks not being able to fucking talk to boys. Like. I'm not even trying to be funny. I didn't mean to quote Sunny. The eggs I had this morning were runny. Am I done..ny? Ok. But I literally cannot handle talking to other guys. My tongue gets fat. And I get all shakey. In this beautiful case there was a lot of negatives going on. Boys kept grabbing my hips, my shoes were soaking wet with alcohol, I got elbowed really hard in the shoulder, and I had a huge headache from yelling. So I broke down. Just sobbed. It cause a crazy anxiety attack cause of all the people. And oh my lord. So yes, we uh.. Left that party. And we went and hung out at our friends house. (Smoked) (Hella)

Sunday, January 11th

Laid in bed all day. Cried all morning. Had a panic episode again. Now I'm watching It Follows. My roommates are watching The Bachelor in our living room and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't annoyed. So I'll probably just take a nap all day. Goodnight. (Also do homework (;)

[hpelessness]

Thursday, February 8th

The day started with an alarm at 7:30 AM. I didn't get out of my bed for another hour. (Hence the 7:30AM thing) (I have a weird sleep schedule where I need to lay down and just soak up the bed before I can sleep/get up) (Parenthesis are pointless if used too leisurely). I got out of my bed feeling grogy as all hell, as usual, I went over to my shower room in McKay (that right future Lizzie) (picture that bath). I am on my period so hence the bathing thing. I immediately felt nerves pour in even just as the morning was beginning. It's cause I had a math test (my first one in my retake MAT114 class). I am super embarrassed of this math class also because nobody knows that I flunked it last time I took it. I was so distracted and yeah I just fucked it up. But honestly, the second time is a lil bit easier for some reason. So it's going well but still, I was nervous. I didn't wash my hair or anything but I did think about smoking a lil bit before leaving the bathroom. See me and my friends do this thing where we smoke we*d (Idk if I want that to be traced back to me) (I might just stay away from swearing and like other stuff for now) (Keep my sh*t PG). But I decided against it (surprisingly). This is surprising because my ass has been smoking practically every day since the beginning of summer last year. And I need to calm the fuck down. It truly works wonders on my anxiety but like I hate that it's a drug and like I'm sort of hooked (?) on it. I'm not really though because I know I could easily stop. And I am! After we are done with the shit we got, I'm on hiatus. I am gonna try to start going to the gym everyday too. I need to put an effort into being a healthier individual. Anyways so I headed to my math class at 9:35 and got there around 9:20. I chatted with my math group about the difficulties in the class. Then Mandy, my teacher taught us. Then I headed home after class. I walked and took funny snapchats. I was going home to vape and eat cantaloupe in between my classes. I got back home and Becca was there. Which ngl, I love Becca and my roommates and I are content but sometimes I just want to be alone and it was a prime example of that for me. But that's okay, we sat down and she was finishing a Netflix OG show called GirlBoss. It was funny! But it didn't get renewed for a new season so whatever. Then I headed to my HA280 class. This is my class with ZS. It's really annoying because he will like sit outside the class with Tatum, or just hang around the building with her. It makes me so uncomfortable because like they are so lame for literally being inseparable. And he like shit talks me to the other girl who is in our class who has no reason to hate me other than ZS says so. So of course, naturally, she hates me! She has liked all the "mean" tweets about me. That's pretty lame. Then the teacher couldn't get the video to work and so I headed to the fireplace room with Fallon, Jessica, and Kacee and we did some homework. It was nice to hang out with some ladies who aren't the normal ladies I hang with. It might become a friendship, or nothing! Either way, I'm happy I attract people. Glad I can make people happy too. So then I went home and, here's the kicker.. I smoked. Stupid dumby. But I also studied for maths. And and I listen to the entire X&Y coldplay album on my bathroom floor and then I sobbed to Till Kingdom Come because holy shit. It's just very PC. And oh! Speaking of him, he won for the third year in a row. And that just threw me in a damn loop. It's insane, absolutely lunacy, to know that I've loved him for 3 years of this competition. I was there for the first one.. And I'm calling it right here, he'll win next year. He's a talent and a gift and I'm so proud of everything he is accomplishing. He's gonna go to ND. I know it. And I really don't know what is gonna happen with us. But I know something will. Sorry for the short PS (piz) rant. I'm sure they'll happen as often as I do these journals. Uh, but after I went to my math test and I think I did alright. I mean I won't know until I get it back.

[hpelessness]

I'd like to make this blog a journal.

I would love to do daily posts but I know myself and I probably would just forget.. But I'm gonna try to do those everyday. I just need to have a place to go that isn't my green moleskin journal which oddly reminds me of PC even though we were not at all together when I purchased it. It makes sense though. I write about him consistently in that journal.

So anyways, I think I'm gonna start right now.

So uh!! Next post!

Also just gotta double check this blog's format and shit cause it's probably garbage. Also gotra see who is following.

But yep. Daily.

[hpelessness]

i keep thinking about how easy it would be to just off myself. i have way less people in my life.. and i am always hurting these days

[hpelessness]

i'm still sad about last year, you know? just wish everything had turned out different.. turned out.. better?

[hpelessness]

my heart is fucking pounding

[hpelessness]

i miss the genuinely happy moments we had together. i want you so badly.

[hpelessness]

i understand that she meant well but for FUCKS sake.. my own mother is like fucking worried sick. she keeps checking my wrists. like now she just doesn't trust me again. FUCK YOU. auaghensehbue UGH

[hpelessness]

i just can't get over the suicidal thing. i'm an overdramatic 18 year old. my mom is so nervous for me now.

[hpelessness]

fuck this

[hpelessness]

.

[hpelessness]

let your child loose a little?? terrible parent. great person but horrible motives.

[hpelessness]

how dare you suppose i'm suicidal? i'm an overdramatic teenager. STALKING? REALLY..

[hpelessness]

you make my heart ache. i hate seeing you in such a toxic environment. i don't even know if you know that your mom called mine. but she did. it wasn't her place, i go to my mother when i'm ready to. it was NOT her choice. it's also not her choice whether or not we can be friends. don't be a robot.