fuck

this is my art blog; all works are my own // abandoned

[http-hickeys]

a girl with bright hair and tattoos fell in love with a boy with dark eyes and dark thoughts to match. she spent two years loving him with everything she had to give, but it wasn’t enough for him. she’s grown convinced that nothing would be enough for him. may life bring him a girl who shows him how to love, not only her, but himself. may she bring the sun to her knees every night for him. i think she would love to see how the moon weeps at his beauty. i hope that he gets off of the games for a couple hours every few days to kiss her face and take her on dates. i hope he listens to her talk about her passions, and she does the same. may he let himself be loved someday, when he is ready. may he be happy, even if it’s not with me.

april eighteenth twenty-twenty

[http-hickeys]

i have loved you since we were both eighteen, and all that has done is lead me to heartbreak. i will love you until my heart stops, but i won’t be in love with you anymore. i hope you know you lost someone who would give you the whole world if she could, someone who would bring the sky crashing down if you wanted. i wish you nothing but the best, and i just want you to be happy, even if it’s not with me. but i don’t think you made the right choice.

april eighteenth twenty-twenty

[http-hickeys]

we were in love but we weren’t happy. we took a break and neither thought we would come back together but we did. and everything felt right again. the universes collided and it became clear that we are meant to be. that i never stopped loving you from the second i laid my eyes on you when we were both too young to love ourselves.

jan 2020

[http-hickeys]

i’ve never had something like what we have before. i’ve had sex, and i’ve had drugs; i’ve had lust, and i’ve had love. but this, what we have, i wouldn’t trade for anything in the world.

jan 2020

[http-hickeys]

i have never loved anything or anyone more than i love you, alex; and i hope that one day i will be able to show you that.

jan 2020

[http-hickeys]

from the second i saw you, and our eyes met for the first time, i knew. i knew it was you and it will always be you. the one i want to spend all of my time with, the only one i want to hold. the one i want to come home to. the one i want to be with for the rest of my life. i knew it was you, and it will always be you. i am crazy in love with you, and i wouldn’t have it any other way

dec 2019

[http-hickeys]

sometimes i miss what we had. i miss the way your laugh sounds and how my face hurt from smiling so big. but i have to remind myself that everything happens for a reason, and you left for a reason. i couldn’t see it before, but you were bad for me. i was holding on so tight and fighting so hard because i didn’t want to be alone. but you left, and it sucked. a lot. but then it didn’t. i stopped crying and started smiling again. i started feeling better about myself again. and now i’m with someone who treats me right and everything is falling into place. i think this boy is the one. i have loved him since i first laid my tired eyes on him. this is the boy i want to spend the rest of my life with.

nov 2019

[http-hickeys]

i hope you know that you were a shitty boyfriend. you made it seem happy and you made me believe i was happy, but you still undermined everything i said or did. you told me i was a shitty person and i needed to work on a laundry list of things every other day. you held it above my head that my friends favored you over me; and you manipulated me into staying.

oct 2019

[http-hickeys]

from the first time i saw you i was yours. i wanted nothing more than to be in your arms every waking second, to laugh with you and be the reason for the smile on your face. i wanted to kiss your head and tell you just how much i loved you from the second i saw you. your big brown dough eyes making me melt. we both lost ourselves for a while there, but we’re back and better than ever. i love you more than ever. you’re literally the love of my life, there is no one else i would rather be with and i hope you know that

oct 2019

[http-hickeys]

i feel used and abused,

i feel like no one will ever truly love me. quite honestly i feel as though i am unworthy of someone who will love me truly. after everything i have been through and the things i have done; i felt like you couldn’t possibly love me again. i am a skeleton of the person i once was and the person you once loved. you met me when i was broken, and now i seem fine but i still slip up and i still have my bad days. i still have thoughts that have haunted me for years and will continue to haunt me for more to come. and one of them just might be that i am undeserving of your love, or, dare i say, unloveable after everything. i am just a body people have used and abused and left in shambles and it kind of feels like you’re just here to live in the broken house until i truly break for good.

oct 2019

[http-hickeys]

one day you’ll find an old picture of us, and you will miss me. you’ll miss the way i smelled and the sound of my laugh. you’ll ask yourself if i still love the night sky more than anything in this world, and if i still have those polaroids of us. you’ll search for me in every soul you meet, but you’ll never find me again. you lost me in the early morning hours months ago. you will wonder if i still dream about your big brown eyes drowning me, and if i still love the way you laugh. one day you will have a longing feeling tearing you apart. you will miss me with every fiber of your being, and you will regret the day you left me. but that ache will be nothing compared to the pain i felt when i knew i wasn’t good enough for you to stay.

oct 2019

[http-hickeys]

i cry while looking at you

maybe partially to the fact that deep down i’m scared you’re going to leave again

but mostly because you’re the most beautiful person i have ever lay my eyes on

i love looking at you and caressing your face because it doesn’t feel real to be with you

your soul is so gentle and i never thought i deserved someone like you

someone kind and sweet, loving and loyal

it’s refreshing to have the boy i always dreamed of, the one i always saw myself with for the rest of my life

oct 2019

[http-hickeys]

we’re back at the point we were at a little over a year ago, i am filled with butterflies and i hope they never leave. i’ve dreamed of getting another chance to love you again for months. it might be pathetic but i would leap at the chance to lay in your arms, to kiss you, or to even be yours for just one more night. i would do anything to be yours again, because baby i know i love you more than anything

sep 2019

[http-hickeys]

my tattoo burns, and i can feel your hands where they once sat as you drew the heart on my wrist. my heart aches for you, and only you, quite literally and metaphorically. i hate that it does; i wish for nothing more than to be over you, after the hell you put me through. i wish i could drink you away, and i wish my chest wasn’t rough to the touch where your hands once explored my body. i wish i couldn’t feel the pores on my thighs tearing themselves apart just to rid themselves of what it felt like to love you. i wish i couldn’t feel your hand in mine, my palms rubbed raw from the memories; and more than anything i wish i didn’t know what it was like to have had you, along with the inevitability of losing you.

aug 2019

[http-hickeys]

i know you’re living your best life out there, and my shitty attitude and mood have been dragging you down but you cannot take that away from me. you moved across the country with no notice, AND broke up with me all in one day. you don’t talk to me the same way anymore and you aren’t the same person anymore. i am allowed to be sad over the relationship ending, and you leaving and literally everything else. i am allowed to be sad that you moved there to live with him instead of me. that he replaced me. that i was not good enough for you to stay here. so i’m sorry, but i’m allowed to be in a shitty mood after everything.

july 2019

[http-hickeys]

i wish i met you sooner. perhaps, when i was sixteen, when you could have protected me from the trauma in my head and the boys in my bed. perhaps, when i was a ten, you could have told me about life and we could have spent all day running around outside laughing. your smile brighter than the sun. perhaps, i should have met you when i was twelve. when i needed someone more than i ever have. you could have gotten me out of there sooner than i did. you could have told me everything was going to be okay. or, perhaps, i met you at the exact right time. maybe we just weren’t right for each other, no matter how hard we tried or how many times. maybe it wasn’t the time, and it was us. but god, do i wish it was the timing. i wanted nothing more than for us to be endgame.

july 2019

[http-hickeys]

first night without you; updated 07/17/19

i think i’d give anything to have you back in my arms for even a second, or to feel your chest rise and fall underneath my warm cheeks. to see your smile and hear your laugh one more time, because of me, and then put my finger in your mouth just to annoy you. i think i’d give anything to kiss you one last time, or to hug you for longer. to have spent one last night with you, our warm bodies intertwined, and your snoring keeping me awake; or the train by your house waking me up just like that first night we spent together. you asked me if we were supposed to cuddle and we spent the night laughing instead of sleeping. i think i would give anything to spend this past weekend with you, a sleepover, a party, or to even argue in person, any of it. i think i would give anything to have one more time of everything. one more sleepover, kiss, meal, night drive. one more tickle fight, hug, club night; because maybe if we have all of those one more times, i will never catch up to the point where you go to california and i am left here without you. where you chose him over me when it really mattered.i think i would give anything to go back to the night we met and start over. even if nothing changes and i end up with a broken heart and an aching soul again, just to go on more adventures with you and say yes more often. just to have more time with you. because i want to be selfish just this once, and have you back here with me. please come back home to me.