desolate

yo im esra my side vent blog to my side vent blog

[httpgaius]

i wonder if this idiot knows my complicated feelings for him

[httpgaius]

gotta love it when u get distracted from hw thinking abt how attractive your best friend is lmaoo

[httpgaius]

bro if he visits me how am i NOT going to kiss him i??? shkdbsjandkdkskdbdksndkcnskdndkd

[httpgaius]

bitch i been repressin my feelings like a champ and u gotta come in here and call me out on it smh now im aware and cant srop

[httpgaius]

i forreal dont think hell ever see me in that way im overanalyzing like i always fucking do i take one look at him and i know hed never date someone like me but god those fucking hands and his height and his writing his acting his smile his laugh his coy remarks and remarkable intelligence i wish i could erase them all because im fuckin weird and trans and i dont fucking pass and i feel like a creep the way i keep tabs on him he probably doesnt even like guys i know how much he likes girls i know so fuckin much how much and the way he wouldnt kiss the girl on set god thats what almost made me break down i dont understand him i will never ask him about it i will never try to force my own feelings onto him if he wants something hell have to make a move ive made it clear i adore his writing its clear i care now if he sees that way and wants to act on it be my fucking guest hes literally one of the only people who dont misgender me and i dont think ill quite ever get over the sound of my name echoing my thoughts my dreams my greatest fucking dreams of him hes so far away hes not a good decision but its the decision i fucking want jesus christ i want him so bad

[httpgaius]

why am i still so fucking fat like one day im in love with my body the next i fucking see how big ive gotten again its like a viscious cycle of dysmorphia i think is gone but it never really is ig!!!!!!!!! i only have a couple more weeks until im done with spring semester and i can do restrictive dieting again

[httpgaius]

ya ever just. gay joke around with ur gay pals. and u just like realize the denial of ur feeings but ur just

repress! repress! repress!

bc me rn

[httpgaius]

its like as soon as the fucking convo shifts away from her to me she just. leaves? she never answers mt texts and leaves me on read on snap... she literally has fucking replaced me lmao. i cant handle this. god im so JEALOUS and shitty and im a terrible friend

[httpgaius]

its kinda bad but. i only ever refer to my ex by his dead name in my head. like to me ash and gabri/el or whatever dont exist hes forever mays/un in my head

[itscolossal]

A Beetle Tattoo Spreads its Wings in Tandem With its Owner’s Arm

[httpgaius]

I don’t know why I’m still thinking about you. It makes no sense, really; unless, I am lying to myself about my emotions. That still happens quite frequently, and as of right now I can only guess that I felt more for you than I’ve let myself believe. Maybe I’m just feeling nostalgic for this time of year to when we both made it apparent we had feelings for each other--or, well, you made me believe your feelings were romantic and genuine. 

In my dream, I met you. A different you than the one that broke up with me; the one I loved last august and early september. After that, you became a person I didn’t like but kept trying to. You said something to me, about the last time I messaged you and you never responded. “Am I supposed to listen to and respond to you talking about another guy you’re hung up with?” Something along those lines. I still don’t know what it meant. All I know is that I remember your mom and your state and fuck maybe you’re at college right now and I want to know but I refuse to let myself find out. And I know what all of that means. 

I’ve been thinking about you lately, not in the way I used to think about you. I’ve been thinking about how I want friends who were like you, who made it easy for me to have fun with. Someone who skipped awkward, someone who gave me all their free time even without really knowing me. The more I reminisce the more I see through all those times you manipulated me to care, to show you that i do care unlike everyone else. I knew it was happening at first. I let it happen. But that I stopped caring and now here we are. You’re manipulating some other lonely loser who doesn’t have many friends and you’re probably onto the one after the one I knew, and I’m here. Thriving, but lonely. Needing friends. You were the last friend I made without anyone else’s help, and that’s the thing I miss. How easy it was. I hate you.

[httpgaius]

i will NOT cave and i DEFINITELY WONT message or lurk EVER EVER EVER

[httpgaius]

god i fucking miss him dont i.....

[httpgaius]

my friends need to like. not have an obvious crush on me bc it makes me So uncomfortable bc i cant reciprocate and it makes me not like.... what to talk to you. lmao

[httpgaius]

god i bet that little bastard is losing weight too if his hair is his natural color i bet hed still be cute but i REFUSE to lurk

[httpgaius]

my hot take: butch lesbians that use he/him pronouns and bind are just straight men who dont want to lose the lesbian label

[httpgaius]

hearing that some butch lesbians bind and want top surgery is baffling what the absolute fuck