tattoo artist & entrepreneur.
owner of an online shop & blackbird tattoos.
socially awkward and a workaholic.
Taken by Dean Winchester.
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"We are here!" said Dean as he opened the door with Ray on his arms. "Mommy" the little girl yelled as her father put her down on the floor and helped her to take off her pink coat.
Her smile widened at the sight of the two.Ā āWell, if it isnāt the two loves of my life!ā As soon as Rayās coat was off, she welcomed her in her arms to give her a tight embrace, smothering her with kisses.Ā āDid you two behave? Sometimes together you can create storms.ā She teased with a small chuckle.
He snorted. āWe went to buy dinner and checked if Mom needed something. Then we went to eat few chocolate cookies and play with the snow. Donāt worry, I have few ones here for you. She picked themā smirked as he gave her a big plastic bag. āMoreā said the toddler, looking up at them. āNo more, Ray. You need to eat dinner too, understood?ā sighed, ruffling her hair. āShe really loves eating them. Did you finally could clean it all?ā asked as went to the fridge to grab a beer. āNeed to be honest, Rayās starting to look like youā
She snorted as she heard about their activity today, pursing her lower lip in a playful pout.Ā āOf course, you guys got all the fun without me! So not fair, next time Iām definitely going with you too.ā Jimin shook her head in disapproval she Ray asked for more, giving Dean a playful slap on his arm.Ā āThis is your fault, you spoil her too much, itās a good thing she likes her veggies unlike you.ā She teased with a small grin.Ā āTalking about dinner, it will be done soon! I did, it was nice to be able to give this place a good scrub!ā Jimin looked back at Ray as she held her a little closer.Ā āYou think so? I see a lot of you in her too.ā
"We are here!" said Dean as he opened the door with Ray on his arms. "Mommy" the little girl yelled as her father put her down on the floor and helped her to take off her pink coat.
Her smile widened at the sight of the two.Ā āWell, if it isnāt the two loves of my life!ā As soon as Rayās coat was off, she welcomed her in her arms to give her a tight embrace, smothering her with kisses.Ā āDid you two behave? Sometimes together you can create storms.ā She teased with a small chuckle.
sorry for being away for so long, Iām doing better now so Iām gonna try to be here more often.
I started a new medication not long ago and it seems to be working compared to what Iāve had for the past two years.Ā
My suicidal ideation got worse these past few months so I started lithium, and it seems to be helping with that which Iām grateful for. Even though itās still a struggle every day, I am trying my best.Ā
With depression, everything that I used to enjoy, I didnāt anymore- so I stopped doing a lot of things including rping, which was something I had done for years and years without stopping.Ā
This year has been one of the worst years ever for my mental health, I can only hope next year is better.
Iām sorry for being away, I hope everyone knows it wasnāt personal towards any of you, it was just that I lost all motivation to live.Ā
This will be a little long but Deanās mun reminded me it is important for everyone to know what is happening, why am I not as present. Iāll try to make it as short as possible- disclaimer: itās long anyway.
Iāve posted several times before here whenever I wasnāt doing well but I was never quite detailed about it and so that everyone doesnāt misunderstand my absence, I decided to make this post.Ā
For the past years Iāve been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety and Major Depression. For the last couple of years, Social Anxiety has been added to this list.Ā
I havenāt been doing well for a long time and to make it worse, I had to stop medication and visiting my psychiatrist cause I lost my job back in December. I couldnāt afford the visits to the doctor neither could I afford the medication. Things were okay for a little bit but a few months back, it all started going downhill.Ā
Since then, even though itās been like this for a long time too, the only thoughts in my head are that I want to die, I donāt want to exist anymore and I want the pain I feel to be over. Thatās my depression talking- and on the other hand I have to deal with my anxiety which makes me terrified of everything. I canāt leave my house, sometimes I canāt leave my room. The littlest of things makes me cry and Iāve been living in a cave, in my own bubble.
I had so many important places I should have been to support friends who are sick, to give myself opportunities to grow my career but Iāve stayed home instead. I am terrified of any kind of social event, even now at my new job- thereās only four of us but I still struggle to be close and communicate with them. Thereās several days that I will just be sitting at my job and start crying because how miserable I am.
Iāve thought of killing myself, Iāve tried. Iāve had panic attacks that were so bad they had to put me into the hospital with an IV that had Valium in it to calm me down because otherwise I wouldnāt. My blood pressure and my heartbeat were too high, I had tachycardia for hours on end until they injected the Valium on me. This was back in July, since then I did calm down a bit but my fear of being around people got worse as did my depression. No matter if itās in real life, through messages, Tumblr, etc. Iāve seen my mother cried at the bottom of the hospital bed while looking at me and it made me feel like shit, it only works my head to make me feel worse about who I am and how Iām a burden to those I care about.Ā
My latest severe attack was this Saturday, August 31st. Luckily, my mom found me on time and helped me calm down.Ā
At this point Iām really scared of what will happen of what I could do so all this time Iāve been staying in my little bubble to try and minimize anything that could trigger me. The pressure of being here, at work or anywhere else where I know people is waiting for me or expecting something from me is absolutely terrifying that it brings me down on my knees, making me want to disappear.Ā
And all of these fills me with an incredibly amount of guilt which only makes it worse. Because I hate being like this and I hate disappointing people because of it.
Thus, Iāve been taking an indefinite hiatus. I love the people here and the relationships we have made and I have no plans of leaving. I just ask for forgiveness and understanding. Iām sorry that you have to put up with someone like this, I feel like a huge burden to everyone around me. I feel like I have no future and no reason to stay alive. And I have to struggle with these thoughts every day. I actually damn every day that I wake up- because it means Iām still alive and I still need to put up with these things on a daily basis.
In September, I have a new appointment with my psychiatrist to start medication again, hoping it will help.
For those who donāt understand these illnesses very well, Iām leaving links of a few short films that describe how I feel really well:
This is what depression feels like
Living with Depression (this one I relate to so much)
FEAR [short film] (generalized anxiety disorder experience)
Explaining my depression to my mother (another that hits home)
And thank you if you have read this far. Thank you for your understanding.
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