People: You can't have everything you want. Me: Why not, though? World: *dgaf*
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@humaningishard
People: You can't have everything you want. Me: Why not, though? World: *dgaf*
What was that?
Someone in the elevator of my own building either just asked me if I work at a law firm or if I come here often. Either way âoh, noâ seemed the safer answer.
I feel lately like I am failing some kind of adjudication, but I never agreed to be tested.
Some days Iâm bummed out just by the presence of other people. Who are you, ruining my day by getting humans in it?
I Said I Would And Then I Didn't, a multimedia art series by me.
Phone calls
The other day I had an interaction on the phone that outlines well the reasons I had to practice (extensively) for literally years not to be that weirdo who makes a call only to gasp and hang up in panic, and the one who will spend twenty minutes on an email rather than make a two minute call. I almost cut people who couldnât or wouldnât text right out of my life because the thought of exchanging voice sounds over a faceless connection in order to convey an interactive message was enough to make me throw up.
But, there are certain people you canât cut out of your life because they are a business (thanks capitalism) and require in person or telephone confirmation of certain requests. So, I had to learn to make some damn phone calls, and the other day I made it through a call in one piece that before would have brought me to gulpy, gasping, unintelligible tears. I had to call a company whose credit card I had cancelled two years ago because I received a statement from them.
âThank you for calling COMPANY NAME. Please enter your 16-digit credit card number.â
Lucky for me, the card number was on the statement. I typed it in, waited, and nothing happened. So I pressed pound. Hashtag Iâm done, right? But then the automated voice said,
âIâm sorry, we did not understand. Please enter your 16-digit card number.â
We? I understood fine! So I entered the SIXTEEN digit number again. Did not hashtag my request. Was met on the other end with silence.
âGoddamn, what. Take my number. Is this not working because I cancelled the card two years ago? How do I talk to someone? Frick, Iâm talking to no one. You guys better not record calls before an operative picks up.â
I entered the card number again, and at this point had the damn thing memorized. Waited, silence. Pressed pound. Received âdid not understandâ message. Slammed fist on table.
âFuck sakes! Will my use of expletives transfer me to a real person?â No, that was not the case. I started to feel trapped. In utter desperation, I tried the number twice more, and then angrily shouted the number at my phone screen. Lo and behold, by enter, the automated lady meant âscreamâ. I was transferred to an agent. Iâm not sure if it was the number that did it or the pure volume or cutting edge to my voice that did it. We went through the somewhat familiar and manageable identity verification exchange. And then:
âSo what can I help you with?â
âYeah, I um, I received a statement for this card in the mail today, but I cancelled it two years ago, soâŠâ
âAre you sure you want to cancel the card?â
What? My heart skipped a beat. This was already going badly. Are you listening to me? Literally the worst (and practically only) thing you can do wrong on a phone call is not listen. âNo, I mean, itâs already cancelled. I cancelled it two years ago. Thatâs why Iâm not sure why I received this statement.â
âThe card on file is currently active. Would you like us to mail you out a card?â
What part of cancelled wasnât meaning I donât want it? âNo. I already had one, but I cancelled it and now I donât have it anymore.â My palms were sweating now. Remember what youâre here for.
âDid you recently change your address? Maybe that is why you didnât receive the card. Would you like us to send you a new one?â
I canât do this. What is happening. Is he using a script? He must be using a script, and they donât have a response prepared for this situation. Oh god. I have to try to force him off script. I worked to keep my breath from making weird sounds on the other end as though I were running or boinking or panicking. âNo. I donât want the card. This card should be cancelled. I already cancelled it two years ago. I had the card, and then I didnât want it, so I cancelled it. And then I cut it up because I heard thatâs what you do to cancelled credit cards. Please just have it reflect in your system that this card is cancelled.â If Iâm thorough and repetitive enough, things will happen. Everything will be okay.
âAre you sure you donât want to keep the card?â
âI DONâT HAVE THE- cough- I donât have the card anymore and I donât want a new one. I cancelled this a long time ago, please just make your system say that also.â
âOkay, we respect your decision to cancel this card and will-â he started giving me the cancellation spiel, and I stopped listening as I grew excited. Heâd managed to get himself back on track, using the script! I wanted to high five him. I also wanted to tell him they sure hadnât respected my decision to cancel two years ago because I had already done this song and dance during a time when singing and dancing was a lot harder for me, but I digressed before uttering anything and waited on tenterhooks for him to say hashtag cancelled. That confirmation didnât really come, and I realized we were sitting in a painful, almost tangible silence as we both waited for a necessary response from the other. Was the card cancelled?
âSoâŠ.. Itâs cancelled now?â
âYes, the card is cancelled.â
âWe did it, buddy!â
âWhat?â
âNothing. Thank you. Have a good day. Goodbye.â
Mission accomplished, and it was only sort of ridiculously painful!
Iâm gonna open with the fact that I have ocd tendencies and anxiety, which can sometimes make things difficult. But regardless of whatâs going on behind our eyes (in our MINDS), navigating daily life is hard. Sometimes I think weâve come so far with technology and living in large groups and singing in sexy quartets of the male persuasion that most of it feels unnatural. Weâre expected to be self-suppressive, oppressive, self-centred, and selfless - all at once. Itâs all contradictions. Donât be offensive, donât get so offended. Be beautiful, but donât think youâre beautiful. Not every inside thought has to be an outside thought, HUMAN (just me for that one?). At any point, we are basically going to be interpreted as saying, doing, or being something that somebody else isnât going to like or doesnât consider normal, so thereâs always something to be catching flack for. It leads to a lot of awkward situations in my experience (and believe me, do I have some of that).
I have this little daydream where I start this blog and I get all insightful and inspirational and people read my blurbs and theyâre like, âHey, thatâs me! I do that thing too!â Because a) maybe theyâll feel better about themselves, and b) I wonât be hanging out here in the weird corner all by myself. But probably, Iâll end up just creating a space for myself where I make fun of all the things that have made me uncomfortable, and thatâs okay too. Because letâs be honest: humaning is hard.