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As I begin to heal

I learn that my past is not my enemy. I must love my experiences for they formed me to be who I am today. The uncomfortable must become comfortable through reflection and embodiment, that what happened, happened and I accept this. I call this “FORGIVENESS”.

As I begin to heal

I realize that my growth is altered for the good. And that sometimes in a place of good, there are people, who I once surrounded myself with, that will not accept the better version of me. That misery does love misery and does nothing but chain you down. I must learn to break the chains and love a new environment that only brings me joy and support. I call this “BOUNDARIES”.

As I begin to heal

I become in tune with my mind. I learn the power that stems from thoughts and the importance of feeding oneself positivity. Dark thoughts are rooted from a place of learned behavior. I must unlearn to learn how to become a healthier, beautiful me. I call this “SELF-LOVE”.

As I begin to heal

I must not be so intense. I must transfer the feelings of pain and anguish into understanding and love. Self infliction is replaced with being gentle with myself. I am constantly letting go of the past to live in the moment. As in this very moment holds more purpose and opportunity therefore, I must continue to cherish the time I have today. I call this “FREEDOM”.

As I begin to heal

my actions are not as of before. Fear is substituted for acceptance. I cannot continue to run from unwanted emotions. I must fully express them to be able to work through them. This is the only way to form healthy habits. Suppressing negativity only breeds isolation and increases depression. Every new step must be celebrated with light and love. I call this “GATES OF HAPPINESS”.

As I begin to heal

I learn that I am not my trauma. The trauma is only a part of me, I carry it as baggage. As baggage, I learn that it is so heavy that it has made me strong. Now, I am okay with the hardships I’ve been through. I accept it was never my fault. It was all out of my control. Now, I can control what I let happen to me. I live and continue to experience. I use my past as a tool to inspire and help others. I call this “EVOLVING”.

As I begin to heal

I notice the small things of nature. I let go of the small things that don’t matter. I breathe in air and realize I am alive. I am not burrowed in a grave. I’m planted in dirt, but I am blossoming because of the sun. I feel light. I am light. I’m growing and thriving. I call this “LIFE”.

(a poem written from a journey of healing from sexual PTSD, trauma, depression & anxiety)

As I Begin// ajsl

Grounded to the earth

Mother Nature calls

Love is nothing but a waterfall

Waterfall trickling down

Water meshes, mixes, and changes

Sky is blue

Pure of different hues

Happiness in the air

Like a beautiful au pair

The light shines warmth

It feels bright, comforted, and loved.

All of nature’s beauty

Given from the one above.

Oh how much beauty there is

In a world full of what ifs

In the creek of day

What gentle words to say

To a love like spring fields

That need light to shine through

A bird’s song in the morning

My heart keeps churning and churning

To remove the midst in my heart

Creating a bond where we won’t be apart

Hear my mating song to you

My heart is crying out long over due

Bring us together like the sun and moon

Sometime in the sunlight at noon

Whispers of wind everywhere

Forever like the feeling of air

beauty of nature’s love// ajsl

I’m stuck in a flash back of time,

Where every time stood still

Familiar situations and emotions

As if I came from the past

Here I am in the future

3 years ago

The pain is the same

The tears aren’t different

Life is revolving in the same manner

Different people, new memories

Growth is inevitable

Trauma is as well

How can you escape

Coping mechanisms equates hiding

Yet also inhibits new habits

My mind hurts

Or is my brain doing too much

It’s uncontrollably spinning

To renew the mind is to be reborn

What’s fantasy to reality

That must be done through living

Unstable // ajsl

2/24 letting go of my emotions

Im feeling overwhelmed

Like a teapot that’s ready to pour

Boiling, steaming, and aggressive

I’m feeling sad

Like the clouds on a gloomy night

Covering its stars and dimming its light

I’m feeling angry

Like a bee that’s been disturbed

Buzzing and ready to sting

I’m feeling lost

Like waves on a shore bringing in sand

Muddled, covered, and misplaced.

And I wish I didn’t have these emotions

I wish I didn’t have any pain

I’m suffering in silence

How can I have my voice heard

When expressing is just too much

To come out smoothly without anger or fuss

Repetition is key

I get it I do but what do you do

When you’re so far down in the blue

It’s hard to smile

Laughing is suppose to be a cure

Everything feels like a big old blur

Positivity is nowhere to be found

When I see myself being raped

How can I have it

Freedom is what I yearn

Life is what I want to enjoy

Is it all in my hands

In my mind there’s a battle

Of life or death

I choose life

But death is overwhelming

He wants me to join him

I want to turn him down

I keep spiraling

How can I teach myself balance

Is it meditation or mediation

I’m gonna have strength

I have it now

It must be acknowledged

Gentle is what I must be

I beat myself up too much

I must learn self love

// ajsl

It’s been such a long time since I’ve been open to creative flow. The person I am today is someone I am proud of. I’ve learned how to smile on my own. I can smile without masking any sort of pain. It’s not a facade. I have a full grasp of internal happiness. Everything else is external. I’ve learned that I will ALWAYS be okay. There’s no more reason to be sad. There’s no more being in a dark place. I am so excited for the growth that I have to come. I’ve learned how to deal with failures and turn them into learning lessons. I know how to breathe now. I feel free from all the pain I once endured. All that’s inside of me is the capability of growth. I can now look at the downside of things and see that it’s all temporary. From what’s temporarily ugly, will come beauty. Everyday my goal is to become slightly better than I was yesterday. I’ve improved in becoming a better me. I see the greatness in things, people, and my environment. I am basking in the existence of real love. My feelings have transformed from sustaining negativity to only exerting positivity. I can only ascend from here.

There’s these demons inside of me  they try to take away my happiness  I’ll be on top of the world  then they come and take me down  Down down down into a deep dark abyss I can’t find my way up,  I’m lost I can’t see,  I can’t feel  Tears fill my eyes  My body shuts down  Now I am uncomplacent I look in the mirror I see ugly  I am looking at garbage  unwanted and helpless Helpless like the night I was stuck in the dark But I was not alone I wish I was  For the demons grew in me  when he took over me me… unconscious  now in my conscious there is no peace  But an image of red  Red from wounds of pain and anger I’m screaming for help The demons won’t leave me alone // ajsl

See this is what people never saw They only saw the good part where you would shower me in “love”. You made me look like the bad guy when YOU were the one who broke me. I never thought a person could take advantage of their significant other like that. How can you lie to a point where I didn’t know what sorry even meant anymore. I hate that I can’t trust anyone so easily anymore. I hate that my heart feels like it got cut out and ran over. I hate that you did this to me. It’s inhumane. You’re too one sided and not open minded. How selfish and immature you are. I thought I learned to forgive you. But what you did cannot really be forgiven.

He’s trapped I’m trapped Our hearts so connected  Yet so far apart So close  But untouchable One is so free The other is restricted souls who find comfort within one another happiness that runs farther and farther a love blossoming  like a summer love in June when will I be in your arms soon // ajsl

I want to find love, but I’m scared of being hurt. Heartbreak is a nasty process, tiring too. Next person I love, I want to marry. I’ve been doing so good for myself. I’m still young, there’s so much to learn yada yada yada, clichés. I want love and I want serenity. I want all these dreams and goals I’ve made for myself to come true. And I want someone there to support me the whole way and I’ll support them the whole way with their aspirations. I WANT IT ALL. I want to learn how to maintain happiness, peace, love and relaxation.

At first the connection was great, but it changed. I always had to be the one to FaceTime, call or text him. I felt I had to do it all. I appreciated the miles he drove for me. But for some odd reason whenever we were apart he would act petty towards me and I would never hear from him unless I contacted him first. For example, I wanted to spend my birthday with him. He didn’t come down. I understood because it was close to Christmas but he said he would come down the next week. Nowhere to be found. I know I could’ve visited him instead, I should’ve done the same effort. I guess whenever he drove out here it just showed me that he really still liked me. Since I really have no other way of seeing it. I’ve been going out to the club and I guess that really bothers him. But I don’t see what’s bad with dancing and having a couple of drinks. I go out so I can celebrate my life, because if I was just home, I’d be thinking of my life and just be sad for no reason. I might go out on Friday, but the rest of the days I’m doing something creative. But I’m doing way better. I used to depend on him for my happiness. But he’s helped me see how great it is to be independent instead. Him being away from me has shown me how it would be if I was with him and how I can be on my own. He’s just in a search of love. And is hoping that he can love me for me but really he can’t. My personality is too much for him and I can’t do anything about it. I want him to find another girl that he will be satisfied with. There’s days where I just really want to call him and see how he’s doing but for once I just wanted him to call. I used to get so so excited when I’d get his FaceTime calls but not anymore. He made me laugh and he was always there for me when I needed someone to listen. But luckily it never happened, I would’ve been a damn fool once again. He’s shown me how it feels to be in a man’s place and how they constantly have to put in work and it’s their “responsibility” as set by society to constantly check in on us.

Am I in search of a nonexistent love with a man who doesn’t want love?  Or he does but he doesn’t want the love I offer to give.  He doesn’t want the girl I am. He wants a past girl and is trying to see her in me. But I am me. I cannot change for you. // ajsl

I made it to 2018. 2017 was a really bad year for me, I turned 21 but other than that I fell off. When it hit midnight I cried because I was happy I made it. & I know it’s just going to get better from here. Experiencing the feeling of being so so darn close to taking my life a few months ago has really made me reflect on what I’ve gone through as a child till now. When I was a kid, I experienced pain no child should ever feel. I made it out once so I’ll make it out again. But I’ve been doing so much better. There’s no need for therapy and soon there will be no need for pills. I hope everything goes uphill for me from here. I know it will because I will make it. I have so much goals this year. Kick ass in school, get an internship, volunteer, make shmonneeeey & all other boss things. I’ve also realized how bad I yearned for love that I almost got sucked into another where I knew I wasn’t being treated right but still continued. No more will I let that happen. I know it’s cliché, but I’m learning to acknowledge my self-worth and how to love myself more. But 2018 will be better: for ME. Can’t wait to see what this year holds. Here’s to becoming the stronger, better version of myself & to living my best life possible.

I think we’re two broken souls trying to find comfort within another. To endlessly keep this spark going but the flame is dying out. My biggest mistake was showing you my weaknesses, because I am not weak. I am just in a rut at the moment and I’m finding my way out. I am strong as hell, and for a second I almost forgot I was.

Healing is when  you stop waiting for the name  to pop up on your screen when you stop looking at their social media when you stop asking others about them healing is being able to talk to him/ her being able to forgive all the pain  forgiving all the mistakes and accepting what happened healing is moving on healing is becoming a stronger you the process // ajsl

love is a tiring cycle open your heart and soul  hoping the other person will accept is it rejection or acceptance  determination of whether  it’s real love or lust are there connections  or too many differences are there smiles or constant tears to feel safe or to feel scared can you see the love in their eyes is there hate or regret the blossoming of two versus the downfall over time they stay in love  or they get tired and leave happy hearts or broken hearts  but the cycle either keeps going  or it starts again efforts through love // ajsl

Eyes that said I miss you Words spoke differently Body language of I’m sorry Hugs that said I need you Smiles that said I’m happy for you Short breaths of I wish I was there for you Tears that said I still haven’t learned to forgive Head nods of “I understand”

Last glimpse of rekindling sadness // ajsl

The feeling of happiness from the moment you wake up to the moment you fall asleep is great. I hope everyday can be like this. Time to make art

#gif

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