Inside a Juju Goddess's mind

Hey.

[hushedgoddess]

At some point

I need to keep true to whatever I advise people

At some point ... I need to let you go.

[hushedgoddess]

i crave the escape that was promised to me

i miss the security your presence brought

i loved how i can be with you, and i’m home

i loved you. when i thought i could never love anyone. i loved you the most... when i can’t even begin to imagine how to love myself.

here i am.. a year later...

still wishing that my love was enough to make you stay.

[hushedgoddess]

Forwarding Address

I search for a face

I search for a soul

Not as damaged as yours, but just as vibrant

Not as beautiful as your despair, but just as poignant

My love, I fail to look

My love, I fail to try

As I put my efforts forward, my soul drags me down

As I will myself to start, my heart turns away

I do not long for praise

Nor do I long for a stranger’s embrace

I long for sense of acceptance

I long for sense of belonging

I long for the home I found in your arms

My love, this journey without you has been too long

My love, I wonder if I can ever truly come back home

- Cris Eal

[hushedgoddess]

A Year Later

Looking back at my posts... I felt free. After all that hurt, I didn’t know I can ever get out of that fog. It is so painful to read all the words I typed in, knowing the fact that I was probably sobbing like crazy during that time.

This inspires me more to improve myself. A year without you, my love, I achieved the following:

1) Went to Singapore with one of my bestest friends

2) Transferred to a university

3) Became closer to my friends, knowing who the real ones were

4) Saw a new side to my mother, making me love her more

5) (SUPER RECENT) Pledged to TRY and STAY in a Gluten free and Dairy free diet

6) Drove to LA and SD 3 times for 2017

7) Booked myself to 5 More concerts this year (2018)

8) Moved on

These do not look much, and people do this everyday. It is, however, a big deal for me. I lost myself when I loved you, and I was dooming myself for life. 

True to Swifty wisdom, this was proven true:

“...when I was drowning, that’s when I can finally breathe. And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean.”

[hushedgoddess]

Wtf really..

Why crash with pettiness at the end of a coffee filled day... Must I feel so alone now 🙄😞

[hushedgoddess]

I remember loving you. But honey.. The sad part about us is.. I don't remember being loved.

[hushedgoddess]

in this sea of faces..

My happy place is still the thought of me in your arms.

Because I still hang on to a happy thought you once told...

"At the end of the day...we have each other"

[hushedgoddess]

On days like this

I miss you. But then again.. On days like this... all you could ever offer was "I'm sorry" No actions. Forever just those words.

[hushedgoddess]

Unsent #1

Hey you, I passed all my stuff today! I'm finally transferring. I just wanted to share... Also.. I miss you. I hope you're well. Fanime is near... are you excited ? Anyway. I hope you have a good time. It's almost your birthday... you deserve to have fun 😊 Okay. Talk to you later. Bye.

[hushedgoddess]

Rant 10

Hi

I'm starting to be okay now.i don't feel like hurling anymore. But please .. I don't want to see you. I pray that I won't see you. I pray that our paths won't cross.

I'm okay. I don't hope anymore. But I feel like.. deep inside me...

I still will say yes if you show up one day.. and ask me "let's go somewhere ?"

I wish you happiness. I wish you love .

So long my love.

I love you. Very much. Goodnight.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

Cutting people out of my life does not mean I hate them. It simply means I respect me.

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[hushedgoddess]

Rant 9

Hi honey I miss you. What should we eat tomorrow ? What do you want to do tomorrow ? How have you been ? How's school? I miss you.

[hushedgoddess]

Rant 8

Honey.. I miss you. This whole week I was okay.. then Thursday came. Tomorrow is Friday... Saturday is supposed to be datenight again. But you're no longer there. You don't even text me You don't even care Honey... I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I love you still. If you knock on my door and tell me "let's go somewhere" I'll never let go. I miss you. I'm okay now.. but I miss you. I miss the you I know ...

[stephaniecheryl]

Tomorrow, I will take on all of these things. I will be unstoppable.

[ironingthepages]

bookstores + bad habits

[hushedgoddess]

Rant #7

I'm trapped between missing you and me starting to hate you. You never did anything for me. I did everything. With what effort I gave .. you have the nerve to tell me I don't make you happy the same way anymore ? The fuck? You saw your father in LA and you decided you wanted the same lax life ?! You can't have that with me. I am a doer. When I say I love you... I also have this urge in me to show you just how much. When I said that I wanted us to "grow"... I did everything in my power to push you in a way that won't come off as nagging . But after all that.. still wasn't enough ? Fuck you. I hate that I miss you. I miss you. And I hate how you don't even fucking care. Go find someone who's like you. Let me see if you feel loved with someone who only says it and not show it.

[hushedgoddess]

Rant #6

Hi honey..

I miss you. How was exam? I know you did well. And if not , it’s still okay. You did what you can.

I love you. Drive safe my love.