One thing about me is that I will always watch your recommendations. You could have recommended something to me eons ago, and I would still remember. I may not watch it right away, but whenever I come across it again, maybe by chance, I always think of you.
It's funny how my procrastination outlasted our friendship. 😜 I wouldn't say we aren't friends anymore. Just... drifted apart, and it's okay!
I finally watched that movie you once talked about in full enthusiasm. I can see why you liked it so much; you always loved American agencies. No shade, okay, maybe a bit keke. You even went ahead and got yourself a government job. I wonder if this is still your favorite movie. Are you getting to live your childhood dream every day at work?
I have changed a lot in the past few years, and I'm sure you have, too! We haven't updated each other on our lives in so long. In this upcoming year, I hope to grow a lot as a person. So many of your recommendations left that I still need to check out, mostly wuxia stuff, and other friends' suggestions, too. I'm so grateful that I still have them as memories, even if I don't talk to everyone anymore.
I started a new job earlier this year. Spend most of my days rotting away in a cubicle with a manager who constantly monitors what I do. I know that if I stick with it for a year or two and then transfer elsewhere, I could go a lot further, but at what cost?
The job is considered respectable, but why don't I feel valued here... All I do is prepare and analyze cases for someone higher up to finalize. I feel useless. No one is particularly invested in my development, and I'm not creating anything of value or seeing immediate impact of my work.
Maybe I'll hop again.
I don't really want to go through the job search struggle again. Anyone who was there with me during that time knows how much I hated having to sell myself to "employers" (yuck). So, I should be content with what I have. And yet, I can't help but miss the conditions I had at my previous job where I could watch movies or dramas when things were slow. Here, I just clock in, clock out, and crash as soon as I get home. What do I even do these days?
---
And things have been scary for my family, too. Just when I got this job and thought maybe we could finally take it easy with the mortgage, my mom's workplace shut down. I told her to stay positive and keep looking, but I knew damn well how hard it would be for a 50-something woman like her to find another job in this society with so much ageism and discrimination towards elders who don't speak English.
Thankfully, she did quickly find a new job through an agent. It's not ideal, since they will be taking a cut of her paychecks for an x amount of months, but we have to take what we can get right now.
I want my family to thrive together soon.
---
An old friend from middle school (Quan!! Didn't know you were still liked by people!!) reached out to me on Facebook last week. We hadn't spoken in 10 years. She asked me if I'd be down to go to a Lady Gaga concert with her in Singapore. I was deeply touched that she even thought of me after all this time but had to politely decline. I am in no position to be traveling to a different country right now.
Or perhaps I was scared to show her that I'm not the same Quan she knew back then. Would she even enjoy our time in Singapore if I went?
---
We had a little getaway to Norcal last weekend! Got to see some relatives we hadn’t seen in so long, and it was also a way to ease my mom’s stress about her job search (the trip was planned shortly before she got the job). It’s crazy how much I’ve changed as a person since the last time I was in San Jose. Back then, I stuck with people all the time like a helpless tourist. Now, I can actually drive around and explore the town on my own. ^o^ I’m really liking this version of me who's more used to taking up space. Comfort really does come with age, heh.
(Photo taken on the way to Capitola Beach. I was mesmerized by this particular trestle bridge!)
晁瑞, không biết sao lúc nào tui cũng bồi hồi khi đến San Jose haha. Tui cứ nhớ mãi ông trách tui sao không gặp ông, dù lúc đó cách nhau có 1 block đường. Dĩ nhiên là tui muốn gặp ông chứ. Nhưng lúc đó tui không muốn thân hơn. Đến giờ tui thấy đó vẫn là quyết định đúng đắn.
Buồn cười ở chỗ tui có họ hàng sống ở San Jose, từng có quyết định muốn chuyển tới đây sống, nhưng trong đầu tui lúc nào cũng nghĩ "đây là thành phố 晁瑞 sống".
---
My autistic cousin has been learning to say my name. :') It's been a long journey; we had mostly abandoned teaching her complex words. Getting her to express her needs, like "hungry" or "water" is a higher priority. Yesterday was the first time I heard her say my name. It was a special moment that I will remember forever.
I hope she will let us know her thoughts and feelings one day.
Trần Thu Hà - Phía Ngày Nắng Tắt (The Sunset Side of the Day) (2002)
"Phía Ngày Nắng Tắt" was released on Trần Thu Hà's third studio album, titled Nhật Thực. The lyrics were based on a poem by Vi Thuỳ Linh.
The lines "Em đã thả đi bao nỗi buồn, buộc bằng tóc rụng. Tóc đã rụng mùa mùa nhiều rồi, mà chưa thấy nắng lên," haunted me many nights, so I decided to translate the whole song.
Lyrics:
Phía ngày nắng tắt
Nỗi buồn nhiều như gió
Em ước được thả lên trời
Như bóng bay...
Where the daylight has faded
My sorrows rage like the wind
I wish to be cast into the sky
Like a balloon...
Đã nhiều rồi tìm anh
Em không nhớ đã tìm gặp anh
Biết bao lần rồi?
Một mình vỡ oà
Chiều vàng lắt lay
Many times, I've looked for you
I can't recall how many times
I've looked for your face
Alone, I burst into tears
The golden afternoon falters
Khi anh đẩy em bằng mắt
Trăng vừa tròn mười chín!
Em đã thả đi bao nỗi buồn
Buộc bằng tóc rụng
Tóc đã rụng mùa mùa nhiều rồi
Mà chưa thấy nắng lên
When you pushed me away with your eyes
The moon had just turned nineteen!
I've cast my sorrows
Tied with strands of fallen hair
My hair has thinned, season after season
Yet, the daylight hasn't returned
Em oà vỡ
Những nỗi đau chèn nhau
Em lầm lũi đến trước cổng nhà anh
Nhặt xác nỗi buồn còn tươi nguyên
Đốt lên thành lửa ném lên trời
Đốt lên thành lửa ném lên trời
I burst into tears
Pains mount on each other
I trudge up to your gate
Pick up the remains of my sadness—they're still fresh
Set them on fire, cast them into the sky
Set them on fire, cast them into the sky
