yeah ill integrate that into my belief system

hannah | 27 | lg(b)tqa+

[goldensunset]

i’m really sorry about my behavior. you see, growing up, my family- *remembers blaming all my problems on other people is really annoying and unhealthy* i mean. i am responsible for all the evils of this world and i bear sins like the sky bears the stars

[professorpuck]

are you aware you are facing numerous allegations of various heinous crimes

[flowergirlmiwa]

reblog if you want a lesbian in her mid thirties to boss you around and take you clothes shopping

[flowergirlmiwa]

[starlingheart]

a Very Important Purchase

[starlingheart]

Mice! With occupations!

[edenfenixblogs]

Reading this with a German accent increases enjoyment by 80%.

[purlturtle]

E werri importent pürrchess. Meiss!! Uuiss okjupeischons!

(sorry, haven't figured out how to sound record and post to Tumblr, but this is the next best thing!)

[hungwy]

whats ur fav fruit?

Not a good time for this. I'm in the hut

[runwaytxt]

ain't no way god told noah to put two bisexual white boys in their thirties who do improv on that boat

[thesweetiepienovels]

“Sorry that was TMI” “Sorry that was a lot” “Sorry, I know I talk about it a lot” Have you ever thought that maybe it’s a privilege to be the person who gets to listen to you? Have you ever thought I’ve never once thought you were too much? Have you ever thought it actually makes my entire week just to know you still had a thought in your mind and wanted to share it to me, specifically? Have you ever thought that maybe you’re not too much to me, you’re not even just “enough”, you’re just you and that’s the only everything I’ve ever wanted from you?

[mynowherenothing]

[ceruleanheaven]

one day i will crack my back in a way that will solve all my life problems

[foodandfriends]

1 beer in and i start telling people to surrender

[smokingrozanov]

T shirt that says “I ❤️ getting laid” & then on the back it says “to REST” with a photo of a coffin + the name & phone number for a local cemetery. Please follow for more advertising ideas

[pwhl-mybeloved]

[riotboyeli]

FUNNIEST notification to ever get

[segamascott]

[soppingwetratboy]

Being told what to do is great because then you know what to do

[warcrimesimulator]

[waknatious]

[motziedapul]

Not enough people are understanding the funniest part of this. Everyone's making colour theory jokes but the dad is colour blind. The most common colour blindness is red green colour blindness. It's the one where red and green look relatively the same shade of brown.

Everyone's talking about the blood carpet. Dad is seeing a carpet absolutely blasted with shit.

[mpregeminem]

jesse don't touch that that's the growth potion i've been synthesi-no jesse DON'T

[mpregeminem]

yo mr white you're all tiny and shit now

[mpregeminem]