therapy had me all fucked up today. i cried more in this session than all 3 years of sessions combined. itās not like it was a bad session, it was just emotional.
we spoke about what 15 year old me would think 30 year old me, and that evolved into discussing how growing up in survival mode still effects my adult life. despite not needing that mind-set anymore and how unconducive it is, it still lingers in most of my self-talk.
so when i realized that my cynicism, especially when it comes to āhoping for the best,ā is a fear-based survival technique due to years of having to deal with the worst possible outcomes in most situations, i just kinda lost it.
i try, and think i often succeed, at being an optimistic person. i am a cheerleader for those around me, and i often focus on the good for those in my life, enthusiastically and uninhibitedly. everyone i care about deserves all the things they want, and i truly believe that.
but when it comes to myself, i tend not to behave the same way. i often think iāve been lucky to be where i am and have the things i have, instead of feeling deserving. and when i want something, like a promotion, i purposely keep myself from getting gassed up and feeling excited or deserving of it. i would rather be pleasantly surprised if it works out in my favor versus let down when it doesnāt.
it made me sad to think of 15 year old me seeing me stable and content and joyful, surrounded by great people... but still believing that optimism is luxury and i still canāt afford it, even at 30.
idk man. therapy is awesome but today sucked a whole bag of dicks.
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