the Eurovision AU the fandom probably did not need
Have we had a Eurovision AU for Middle Earth yet? Well, imagine:
Dwarves and elves always give each other 0 points. Usually dwarves give other dwarves 12 points. Sometimes the elves vote for men.
Rohan has horses on the stage. Real horses.
Nobody wants to vote for Mordor, but they always have great stage shows (burning eyes. nine guys on fell beasts. errupting volcanos) and Sauron has a really good singing voice.
The elves usually compete with long ballads about starlight, the past, and lands beyond the sea. They never win. Except for year the Mirkwood wine squad competes.
They do however have amazing glittery gowns and sequins.
Nobody is entirely certain what the geographical or political conditions for participation actually are. Also, the Orocarni are really far away, but they regularly participate.
Hobbits always sing about food. They are still constantly misunderstood. Still, singing about their love for big, firm tubers usually goes better than singing about cute farm animals.
Gandalf is on no one’s team, but he is always around to provide fireworks.
The men of Bree usually compete with drinking songs. One time they accidentally won with a creepy tune about the Barrow Downs, but that scared everybody.
The dead of the mountains, the Barrow Downs, and the Emyn Muil are not allowed to compete. Not because they’re dead, but because being dead gives them the advantage of having far more practice time than everybody else.
Gondor’s entries are often outright political. Their competing titles included “A shadow rises in the East”, “Who needs a King?” and “I see it all”. Despite Mordor’s protests they have not yet gotten disqualified.
The Ents, however, did get disqualified after their entry took more then a day to perform. They keep insisting that was only the first verse.
Everybody hopes the Valinor elves will never win, since nobody is quite sure how to get there (to say nothing of getting back).
Nori’s “Rivers of Gold” wins at some point
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