blue

nothing

[iambluexxx]

Unsaid thoughts.

Babe, guess what? It’s already 10 months since the first time we went out. Until now I’m still stuck in this “situationship”. Babe, tell me, should I stay? Should I keep on fighting?

For the past few months, I’ve learned and experienced a lot. The pain, and everything. Babe, I  was ready to take all the risk for you. But knowing that you’re not, how?

[iambluexxx]

It’s about the CULTURE

So, quick story time.

I had a crush with a co-worker of mine. He’s an Indian one, but a very serious guy. So as I’ve said I had a crush on him which started last March 2022, when he attended my birthday lunch. He didn’t know anything. Fast forward to his Birthday which I prepared everything. Gave him a bracelet with his name on it, an explosion box which explains everything together with his photos. We even ended up going to the mall to change the size of the shoes. I messed up with shoe size. lol! 

After we started hanging out, going to park, beach, waited for the sun to rise, eat ‘garbage’ lol he knows what it means, hehe. he even gave me flowers which those petals were in the frame cause I wanted to keep them. He gave me butterflies but little did I know it will end up to be like this.

I thought expressing my feelings would be easy for me. But it wasn’t, so last Saturday, we had the same Dentist Appointment. After he drop me home, so I started crying when I entered the house. Me being so clingy started missing him. Then I messaged him, at first I was having my second thought. Like how will he respond? But I did.

The next day, Sunday, Nov 13th. I finally got the answer. He can’t and won’t take the risk even if he feel the same way. Because his parents wish for him is to be with someone of their choice. So I had to let go. It will not be easy, But I’ll be strong.

I thought culture doesn’t matter when it comes to love, but it really was. 

[iambluexxx]

2nd Birthday in Heaven

-- Today is my Grandma’s 2nd Birthday in Heaven,

Letting go is really hard, I don’t know where to start. I miss her everyday. If only God will give us a chance and bring her back into this world. So that we could hug her, even just for once. It sucks knowing that you’ll go back home but your not complete anymore.

I miss your face, you waiting for your bread at our gate back home to be delivered. Us, eating in a fast food chain. Go to supermarket together when you received your pension. Riding a jeepney, or maybe getting a “Buko Juice” before we go home. We miss our bonding together, you always ask us to go to church every Saturday. Oh how I miss those moments with you. Wish I could turn back the time with you, but I hope you are happy in there with God, the Angels and your family. I miss you so much and always remember that I love you, always and forever. I’ll make you proud.

[iambluexxx]

2021

Another year, A new beginning.

Sitting here in front of my study table, listening to Bruno Mars’ “It Will Rain”. Tears started to fall in my face, thinking how can I survive this anxiety. My mental health is not okay, no one is with me, I can’t talk to anyone. I know they have their own lives, but sometimes they just don’t really care about me. I was struggling in pain, and don’t know what to do. If only my pillows and blanket could talk as they see me suffer. 

I wanna talk to my parents, specially my mom, but she always tells me “later” she doesn’t really care about me, my feelings, everything. She never believe in me, I hope someday she’ll realize what I feel. 

Being a freshman in college, I suffer a lot. As I’ve said my mental health is not cooperating. Is there any way to escape this pain? I felt like I don’t know anything, I hope my teachers in CACC understand what I feel. It hurts me whenever I don’t pass even if I did everything. It sucks.

-- I hope you guys know what I feel, what is happening to me. This is really serious, I wanna get better, but my anxiety is literally killing me.

[iambluexxx]

Pandemic thinking continuation.

I lost her, I lost one of the best Grandma in the entire universe. Only if she knew how much I love her, how much I adore her sense of humor. She was one of a kind, sacrifice her own happiness just to look after us. Gave us everything we need, took the responsibility to be able to take care of us 3. She didn't even think about herself, she was our savior. Although our parents are with us, they always help us. They always buy us milks and diapers. Since my parents can't afford to get that for us that time, or it's really hard as a young parents that's why I understand them.

Dearest Grandma,

I always message you via messenger hoping you could read it, hoping you will response and hoping that I be able to see you via video call. But I know it's impossible that's why I just kept messaging you no matter what, asking how's your day in heaven. Telling you my problems, crying, telling you how much you mean to me. You are my world and my strength. I miss your voice, I miss everything about you. If you only knew how much I miss you. I miss you so bad. Comeback please 😭 you will always be my angel, my strength. Guide us, your family, loves you. Say hi for me to your co-angels up there! I will never forget you, never. You have me, until my very last breath in this world. You have my heart. YOU ARE THE BEST GRANDMA!!! 😭 YOU ARE MY LOVE!!!! 😭 I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!! 😭 PLEASE COME BACK 😭 WE NEED YOU!!! 😭

[iambluexxx]

Pandemic Thinking...

As a 20 year old, this pandemic taught me many things. I learn, I suffer...but did I survive?

During pandemic, I never thought nor expect that I'll be suffering, once again, depression. For me it's kinda a mini-one. My partner broke up with me, which is kinda sad. But the biggest thing that I needed to face or I needed to be strong. When the time I lost my Grandma. She passed away last 05/11/20. Which is 3 months ago. The pain is still here. I was in abroad and she's in the other side of the world. (Another country) It was the worst night of my life seeing her lifeless via videocall. I was crying the whole night, I didn't slept whispering to my self that I need my Grandma. I need her! I badly want to be with her! Not this time please! Lord I want my Grandma back. I kept saying that I want her back, but then she never came back. I know this is the will of God. I gain an Angel. But I misses my Grandma so much. After she died I kept messaging her on messenger, wishing that she would response. From the day that she died until now, I wouldn't stop crying...

To be continued.

[iambluexxx]

I quit

I was suffering from depression.

My parents do not even care about me.

How come, what's wrong?

Ma, Pa, I was about to kill my self

Because of this kind of stupidness

I just wanna end up my life cause it's so fucking annoying

I'm done guys

Been done trying

I just want to die

[iambluexxx]

How?

I don't know why do I feel this way. Do I deserve this? I hope my parents can understand what I really feel. I'm losing my self, I'm losing everything. I want to be happy but I don't know how? I'm not strong, I don't know what to do.

How? How can I be happy? How? How can I motivate my self? I'm started to shake, crying in pain. Asking my self, what happen to me?

There is this one time I kept asking my self? Why do people around me are like bubbles that can't stay longer? I'm really sad, depress.

I kept stopping my self on too much thinking. Overthink is my enemy, no one can understand me. I'm such a mess!

Wanna have peace, wanna rest... in peace...