Words spilling from my insides, consuming every crack thats been battered into and out of my soul. Hot fingertips like molten lava is the element of choice. Fire, the ultimate destroyer, sometimes my mind resembles fire for all it wishes for is disaster and destruction. Carefully chosen words escape my lips as if rehearsed a hundred times. At a time I thought love would be the water to my forest fire, but I only know now that it consumes me more than that fire. The needs and support others struggle to reach for, I give myself for them when knowingly they would never do the same. Under appreciated, taken for granted, messed around, used, are some phrases I would use for where I am. Lost within the roots of my mind, drowning in what feels like a never-ending cycle of happy sad, black white, yes and no. Its like a spiral that never stops spiralling and sucks you in, washes the good thoughts from you and spits you back out, till you’re happy and content again and it repeats. I find comfort in the silence for thats when I do not have to talk, I do not have to pretend, I do not have to assume and accept lies, I do not have to accept anything less than I damn deserve, but I will anyway. Ill roll over and lay down like a dog, as if my needs and wants are not important in any sense of the kindness. Your love is not high and mighty and your love will never save me no matter how hard you’re never going to try. Only I can save myself, from myself, from you and from everyone else. You look at me with hurt expression but darling you’re the reason the pain is there to begin with. You think you’re a prodigy and that everything you do is correct but you’re wrong. Maybe Im wrong, maybe the waves that crash upon the cold slab stones are not as significant as you, but I doubt it. Trees will grow taller than us, mountains will see more light and more stars than we could ever hope to witness. The fish will swim farther than we could ever dream. Flowers will grow, bloom, diminish then grow once more, for that is the cycle of life. You cannot have life without death and maybe thats what we are so afraid of? The prospect of giving life and watching it all be taken away, through physical, mental or material. I am not afraid to die, I am afraid that ill never live again.
Like a whale that drags his belly at the bottom of the ocean, I only some times come up for air. Scratching at the seams of my human being, scratches show face when its cold, old wounds that once covered my entirety are just a distant memory. The only thing I cannot seem to forget is the cold rush of nothingness, for I always felt too much, it brought me back to a place where it felt safe, yet it was the most unsafe I have ever been, literally. I often find myself arguing with my thoughts, over which is wrong and which is right, but both are neither, for they are just thoughts. Thoughts of the skies, of future embraces and grassy blades brushing past my ankles, thoughts of darkness and light at once, of reaching the highest peak mentally and physically exhausting all energies. I am often told I am the creator of my life, and that everything I do, say and think is within my control. Sometimes I beg to differ…often I am out-withh the control of my own boundaries, which is when I cause upset and pain, to myself and to others. Not physical and not intentional, but pain nonetheless. The eyes of the receiver kill me, in places I never thought I could die, but thats the beauty of it right? There will always be a place inside, where you’ll hurt like you’ve never hurt before? I don’t know how or when or who or why but if only we could love without fear of pain and abandonment and loneliness and creative strike. I know that you feel compassion towards my life, but I do not want that from you. I want pure love and affection, crazy happy fun sexy love, the kind of love that fills your soul every room you walk in to. The kind of love that makes your fingertips numb and your lips go blue. The kind of love that never leaves, and never wants to. The kind of love that people talk about in books, where everything was easy and nothing hurt. But can you have love without hurt? Thats like life without death.
andulkaphoto
ellievsbear
titsay
baratheonpilled
romaincrisis
