Hi I am a bi oriented aroace and agender muslim and im come from Nigeria but I'm in UK for my studies...in light of ramadan I need some help...I mostly come from a interfaith family with my dad being muslim and my mum being Christian meaning I never got to essentially explore Islam outside what was in my country...the kind in which more focuses on the rules and rituals of doing it right in the community
And this has made me to feel not safe in islam especially in nigeria where being even vaguely hint of queer will get you killed or imprisoned and from a personal level for me if I don't get married to a man or not at all...I will be sent to a conversion therapy or at best set up for a arranged marriage
Along with suspected mental illness due to me suffering plus the killing of the imam and...other killings from people in Islam...I feel like I don't belong or want to be in islam
I have already got some books but...I still feel trapped because I'm still under my parents and I ha e to obey them otherwise my chance of even leaving will be squandered and I'll be back to a country that I will have to spend the rest of my days in alone and scared and this haunts me
It's already second half of ramadan and I still don't feel like I belong even with all the resources I have read and the books I have and I feel that even with all that I'm reading will it be worth it...I'm not from here in the UK
Do you have any advice for this situation that I'm in and how can I finally reconcile my identity in a way I can feel sage and away from my parents
Ramadan is a time for spiritual reflection and can unearth a lot of fear and uncertainty. With everything going on, your mental health suffering is highly understandable-- remind yourself that it's normal to be effected by world news, take a breath, and find ways to ground yourself
I don't know your full situation, but I can deeply understand your struggle. As a student, I often felt really powerless and confused because I didn't have full agency of my life. I feel like your stress with world news, uni, family, religion, and honestly the strain of Ramadan are making it hard to see a solution. I will tell you now as someone who has survived to 35, there is never a singular solution. I don't say this to scare you, but to prepare you and to arm you with knowledge.
Reconciling your identity is a personal journey that can take place any time of your life. Being safe and away from your parents is a journey about practicalities and agency (which is hard to achieve as a student). I am not saying they are not tied, but I think it can help to try to separate the pieces of both where you can.
There is a lot of dialogue, especially among white queer people, about "being authentic and being open and coming out of the closet," but the truth is it's just much harder for us. Queer, people of color, Muslim-- it's harder. If you need to stay closeted, or quiet, about your queerness in order to survive, there's no shame in that
I honestly think for your safety, you should focus on finding a footing in your life and slowly work towards independence.
Not to give you another book to read, but the memoir "Hijab Butch Blues," by Lamya H follows the author, a South Asian lesbian who ends up studying in the USA, and her journey with her faith, identity, and family, who they are largely still closeted to
And lastly, you don't need permission from anyone but yourself, but if you need encouragement, just remember "there is no compulsion in religion," if you don't feel like a Muslim, then don't. It's ok if you need to practice it culturally for your safety, but Allah, or God, or whatever you end up believing in, will understand and encourage the path that is true to you
Best of luck, we are here for you