Ok so…
You may have noticed over the past few months…and especially in the past few weeks, that I’ve posted a few sort of...rambles about feeling awful and inferior and such. If not, I’ve probably deleted them because I feel cringe and don’t want people to worry about me, sorry. I do want to emphasize, I am…doing ok, more or less. Some days are better than others, but it’s fine. But I’ll be real, depression isn’t fun. I keep doing my best, but it is what it is. There’s also a definite mental deficiency going on with me as well, a tism or whatnot, and honestly…I feel really bad that it may have hurt people here.
As much as I enjoy cardiophile stuff, I also kinda use this place as a coping mechanism. A distraction from the worries and anxieties outside, when things are too overwhelming and I just want to…hide. This is a happy place…mostly. I feel happy interacting with friends.
I think some of my difficulties and anxieties have bothered people here. I’ve said I can be an intense person…it’s not just through cardiophile means. I am also sometimes very much wanting to talk to my friends here, maybe sometimes…clingy. And then sometimes, I might just weird people out with the cardiophile thoughts too. And I feel so incredibly guilty about that…I can name quite a few people that I’ve accidentally hurt, that I can’t reach out to anymore that I just wish I could reach out to again. To say I’m sorry. To have them hear me and understand me. To tell them that I just hope they are doing well. Letting go of people is…impossible. It sucks. Most people get over it. I really just…don’t. I long to make up for past mistakes. I want to make up and say sorry…I just can’t help that. To those that I have hurt, bothered, bugged, been clingy to, been difficult or too intense with, to anyone I have messed up with…I’m so sorry from the bottom of my heart. I don’t and never mean any harm and just want to be good :(
Honestly, there’s people here (not naming anyone) that I was really friends with for a while before I became…too clingy. And I still feel so guilty, even though I was told I was forgiven for it later…honestly it feels like life isn’t forgiving me. I see them here happy with others, seeing them enjoying heart stuff with others, seeing it all posted here, while I just feel…really inferior. Blocking it wouldn't do any good either...It's like, I don’t deserve to reach out, like they are better off without me, because they are. Like I’m not good enough to be loved. As if I don't deserve to even talk to them, but still…as much as I care, I am just too inferior to even say anything to them anymore. And lately over the past month it's been eating at me. That I can’t make them happy anymore. Even if I was forgiven.
In the end, my only intention here is to make friends, and to really just kinda…vibe out with people that have the same interest as me. While I do lean to more female heart stuff lately, it does kinda ebb and flow with everyone. Quite honestly, in real life I’m not sure how much into this I would be, I never tried stething or checking pulses or…anything with anyone else for real. And to be honest, most of my enjoyment talking to others about heart stuff comes from their enjoyment. I try to put the other’s happiness above mine always, really in any aspect of life. Here especially.
It’s hard having a heart sometimes. But mine’s going to keep beating. I just hope that I can be good to people here…and that I can reconnect and repent for whatever I caused. I hope I can be friends with others and friends with those I’ve lost…whoever sees this, I miss you, and I still care about you. I just want to be friends. Nothing more. I don’t want my quirks and needs to hurt anyone…I’m not perfect. Nowhere close. I just want to be good. I just want to be loved...I just want to feel like I'm not going to mess up and hurt anyone. I just want old friends back that I know I'm going to feel guilty about forever...
