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Luna

The night seemed so dark yet so much light. Like a giant white ball of flame, it shone. Though its light was not its own. Borrowed from another, it radiated light, yet illuminated so little; a visible darkness. She outshines the stars that usually decorate the black sky with her. But tonight, the sky is hers and hers only. A pale black dance floor. I see her splendor in reverse, as I rest my head on my arm that dangles over the side of the tiny boat. My index finger dips in the black mirror that is the still sea as my chubby thumb tries to run off without anywhere to go; reluctant to join the others.

"There's a photo hanging up for when I'm feeling down so I can still see your smile, I miss everything about it

-Mat Kerekes

"Wasn't convinced that I'd ever really come around, 'cause it's funny how life goes, you know? Like there's just shit that I don't need anyone to know. Like this girl out there, somewhere, I don't know, but I wonder all the time if she ever misses the snow. And all these thoughts I can't push out of my mind, like these visions of a 100 twisted ways I might die. The view from there was kinda nice, action was kinda slow. Again, these are things I don't need anyone to know"

- Oso Oso

Lie to me, like you used to Tell me everything is how it should be Lie to me, did you have to? ‘Cause in the end it never matters what I think

And I can barely tell the sky from the shoreline And I can see myself reflected in your eyes

And this was all a dream And it’s coming back to me A portrait in grey scale A perfect betrayal

And I can’t even breathe With this weighing on my chest You knew me at my best Now I can’t even stand on my own

I recently came across this song and it hit close to home. It’s bittersweet when you find a song that understands how shitty you feel both lyrically and musically.

The song starts off acoustic and doesn’t hold back by making claims as to why the relationship could have fallen apart. Another vocalist joins in as the lyrics seem to start to build up to something. As the tone in the vocalist’s voice becomes more desperate to keep spilling out his emotions, the rest of the band joins in with drums and a low but heavily distorted bass that come in like an explosion. The bass reminds me very much of 90′s punk even though the rest of the instruments are not following the same style or vibe. As if the bass were a bitter heavy emotion lingering in the background of vibe of the song.

When I was younger I focused a lot on the bass as I felt it told a deeper story. Now, an adult and much older, I still tend to do the same thing when listening to music.

She looked so long for someone who would stay and when she found him, she knew not what to do, so she left.

Scene to be Seen

Live has been difficult and confusing to say they least. These past couple of weeks have been revealing things about myself to myself. While this might seem like a good thing, it has left me with more questions that answers. I feel as though I am two people stuck together trying walk in opposite directions. It makes it difficult to think and almost impossible to make decisions.

The more I hang out with my close group of friends, the more I’m starting to realize that I don’t feel like that person anymore. I don’t want to be that person people have expected me to be. While some might be thrown off by the changes I hope to make, I should add that what they expect of me is a negative person. Because they see me as a one dimensional person, they get thrown off by my jokes or humor because they feel I’m being mean or weird and don’t make the connection that I’m trying to be funny. At first I thought that maybe my sense of humor had dried out, but some have the habit of repeating what I just said and it kills. So I realized it’s more of how people see me rather than what I’m saying.

I became bitter, resentful, angry, a shut-in. I’m no longer this person, but this is what people see. I feel that no matter how much I change around them, this is what they will see and expect. Perhaps I need a new scene.

Quarantine III

What a time to be alive. As someone who actually finds history exciting, I am excited that we are living such a historically significant moment that could change the way society interacts. The rest of me? Well, the rest of me is doing the best it can to be okay so I can start rebuilding when things become safer. I don’t want to end this on a sad note so I suppose I’ll start with the bad and end with what is going well.

My girlfriend broke up with me. It came hard and fast like a spartan kick to the chest. I won’t get into her personal life so I’ll just say she has not handled the fear of the pandemic well at all and thought it would be best to take a break so she can handle herself during this time. While I understand, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. Luckily, my mental health has vastly improved this past year and I’m taking it much better than expected. While I am deeply saddened, I don’t feel depressed, which is a huge advantage to bouncing back from the break up. Still, while I might act normal when I am around people or even most of my time in private, I still am sad.

This is technically a “break” so there is a chance to save what we had. In her words, “Everything is going so well until this whole thing started.” I hope she can find her peace and that we can fix this when it’s safe to be out and about again. People have told me to use this time to learn how to be okay with being alone. The thing is, I’m fine being alone. I’m happy spending time with myself. That’s not it. I simply miss her, as a girlfriend, being in my life. She didn’t fill a void, she wasn’t a missing puzzle piece, she was an addition that amplified what was already good and helped ease what was wrong. I don’t need to be with her, I want to be with her, which I feel is healthier.

On the brighter side, I moved into my new house. The people who worked on it left it filthy and it’s going to take a while (a WHILE) to clean. My kitchen was the first thing I set up, naturally, and I’m currently sleeping in what will eventually be my gaming room. The room that will eventually be my bedroom still needs to be cleaned and have a few details worked out before I move the bed in there. I’m buying some furniture in the next coming weeks because the house looks abandoned if you’re not looking at the kitchen and the room I’m sleeping in.

I’ve been working on a side project. I ordered a dehydrator, mint and red Rooibos tea leaves, and started working on something I’ve been wanting to work on for a while now, making my own tea. I’m looking to order other leaves to make blends and try out different options. I’ve already dehydrated raspberries, strawberries, Mandarin segments, Granny Smith apple, oranges and limes. I currently have cherries, mango, Mandarin and ginger dehydrating.

I’ve put myself on a schedule from the time I wake until the evening. I’m unfortunately one of those people who have a hard time getting motivated to do everyday things. As a result, I can be painfully unproductive at times. My solution was to create a schedule for myself where I balance chores to do around the house with hobbies I have ignored over time like guitar, doodling, photography, listening to music with nothing else going on. I also give myself little breaks throughout the day to smooth it out.

Aside from the break up, things really are not that bad. I miss being able to go out when I wanted to, I miss cooking professionally, I miss going out for a drink, I miss my relationship. But, I have my own place again, I have my projects to keep me busy and content, my relationship with my family is great right now, my relationship with my friends is also healthier, my mental health is in a much better place than it was a year ago and light years ahead of where I was two years ago, and I have good physical health. Things will be okay.

Quarantine II

“How are you handling all of it?” They ask. Usually respond with, “I’m actually not doing too bad, you know?” Which is not really a lie. On the outside I’m taking this like a champ and am more cheerful and upbeat than before this all happened. On the inside however, half the time, I feel like I’m living through a nightmare. It’s hard to hold back the tears sometimes. I try not to think about how my life somewhat collapsed. Restaurant closed, restaurant industry collapses, I’m separated from my family and my girlfriend, money running out, bills to pay, girlfriend problems due to separation, it’s a bit heavy, really.

Though I said it last time, and I stand by it still, that I’m trying not to get too hung up on the things that are going on wrong because most of those things are completely out of my control. I can’t force someone to give me a job with hours, I can’t legally make money from not working, I can’t be with my girlfriend or family or make the restaurant industry come back. Even if I could, those last 3 would be very irresponsible at this time. But all of it, what’s happening in my personal life as well as what’s happening in both of the countries I live in, all of it is out of my control. Handling that fact can go one of 2 ways.

One could worry and be scared about what’s happening in hospitals, people irresponsibly ignoring health codes in this dire time, the possibility of losing your job, the number of infected people going up, the death toll going up, those are all valid reason for someone to be scared or worried but it also does nothing to solve those problems.

Another way to deal with it is actually to do nothing. Yes, all these horrible things are happening. Worrying about it and giving in to fear does absolutely nothing to solve these problems. Now you’re terrified and paranoid while those problems still exist. Being caught up in issues outside of your control will only stress and depress you, you’ll lose sleep, your defenses weaken and now you’re more vulnerable.

Doing nothing doesn’t mean pay no attention to what’s happening. You should be care and cautions. Stay inside, not go out unless you have to, stay away from groups if you do happen to leave your home, eat as well as you can, wash your hands. There’s not much more you can do to deal with this. If you’re following all those things, you really needn’t worry much as there are very few ways or possibilities for you to actually fall ill with the virus.

I know that saying “just don’t think about it”, which is pretty much what I said, is easier said than done but in all honesty, while your anxiety, depression and worry are valid, they do nothing to better this situation. They will in fact do you more harm. As someone who suffers from anxiety and depression, it’s not easy but it is possible. Stay safe, stay home.

Quarantine I

I think it goes without saying that this has not been an easy time. Staying in is very necessary, but it is taking a toll on people’s mental health. That being said, people still need to stay indoors. I lose track of days, there’s only so many times you can play the same board games. I still can not get through a game of Monopoly without thinking, “I don’t care about this anymore”. And I love Monopoly! All the property is bough, hotels maxed and no one wants to sell or trade property so everyone holds on to what they have and...ah, who gives a fuck? See? I have actually been handling this lock down pretty well, if I’m being completely honest, because “me” last year would have cracked and had a breakdown. Me from two years ago? I don’t even want to think about it. Most days I’m cheerful and optimistic (as cheerful and optimistic as an introvert can be) but of course I have my bad days. Still, I normally just bounce back a while later or at worst a day later. I had an alright day and though I don’t feel crappy I think it would be healthy to at least get somethings out.

I haven’t seen Viridiana in about a month. Though I’m handling the situation just fine most of the time, I miss her a lot. We do communicate all the time. But being shut in an apartment everyday, sometimes your head plays cruel games. If she’s not feeling very talkative one day, my head goes to, “Is she angry? Did I say something? Did I forget something? Am I annoying her? Is the distance getting to her? What if she’s getting sick of me? What if she wants to break up? What if after all of this she thinks you’re kind lame and breaks up with you?” I million miles an hour and it likes to race in the bad part of town. All those questions have the same answer: very unlikely, she’s probably stressed from everything that’s happening, stressed from work (yes, she still has a job) and just doesn’t feel like talking. It’s my fault I freak out sometimes, something that I’ve thankfully gotten much better at.

I honestly want to write more but it’s almost 2:30am and I should get some rest.

Acid Raindrops

I took a bit of acid a couple of hours ago. I thought I would write. I want to try and draw in a bit. I guess I wanted to write because I’ve never documented anything while I was on acid or shrooms. Not like I do them all the time because I don’t. This is only the third time I do acid. I’ve done shrooms once and still believe it to be far superior to this. The feeling on shrooms was much more beautiful though if I’m being fair to an inanimate object, I ate more shrooms that time than the acid I took a little while ago. A part of me thinks it was very wise to have only taken half because this is pretty strong. Another part of me, probably not the smartest part of my mind, thinks I bitched out and that I should have eaten the whole thing. I still firmly believe I went with the best choice as there are other people home. Very much asleep but also very much home. I’m listening to Death Cab for Cutie because I realized it had been years since I listened to them. I mean really sat down and listened to them. I find myself not really listening to much of anything or anyone anymore and I wonder why that is. I used to lose myself in music much like one would in a high. I could just listen to music and wonder. My mind would sink so deeply into the tracks and listen to every single sound. Every breath between lyrics, every drum beat. I loved listening to fingers sliding on guitar strings. I suppose I still do, which is my point, I guess: when did I stop listening? I’ve been trying to train my mind to go back to that. To listen instead of wanting to actively react to things or a person talking. It’s so hard to keep my thoughts in order at the moment. Not like weed though. Weed makes me feel stupid. After a second or so I completely forget what I was thinking. This is different. A million thoughts firing at once and I want to talk about it all at once. I feel like I could talk for hours. It feels nice. It feels nice to feel this optimistic It’s been about an hour since I wrote the last paragraph. I started doing other things, I’m currently talking to my cousin while typing this at the same time. I want to type my thoughts out a bit but I’m beginning to think that it might get boring as I’m not sure if my mind is winding down. I don’t think it is because it would be WAY too soon for it to start wearing off. I think my mind just might be wanting to think of other things. It’s been about 30 minutes since the last paragraph. I have put a folded piece of paper on the pin of a pen. I don’t know if that’s what it’s really called. Anyway, it looks like an airplane. I started to twirl the pen and let the paper tap my finger tips. I kept twirling and letting the paper hit my finger tips, all my finger tips on one hand with no speed or particular motion in mind. Random, I suppose. It created different sounds, different patterns, it felt and sounded different every time yet it was all the same action and I enjoyed it all the same. Same pen, same paper, same finger tips, same motion, same action, yet it felt different every time. Perhaps that is how I experience her love for me. That I simply let to let it be. Her love is very noticeable but perhaps it is my expectations of her love “having” to be a certain way always that keeps me from seeing her love in the moment. Sometimes harder, sometimes softer, sometimes quicker, sometimes slower, but always there. Perhaps it is something to think about in my journey to silence my mind in order to listen better instead of reacting. I’m going to try something I’ve never tried before and don’t know if I’ll be able to do: sleep. I’ll end this here and create another post in case I can’t sleep. I hope I can because it would be nice to sleep and I’m also curious about the experience. We. Shall. See.

Basket Full of Berries

I don’t feel well today and am worried that I’ll fall ill this week. Normally it’s no biggie because I have plenty of sick hours; however, this is my last week at this restaurant and don’t want to look like the guy that just wants to slack off or not show up. I’m not that kind of person. While my life, on a grand scale, is great, there are things I am trying to work out. My anxiety is not as bad but my social anxiety still bothers me and prevents me from leaving my house sometimes on my days off. My depression still sneaks up on me from time to time, though I should note that these problems are not nearly as bad as they used to be. Be that as it may, those are still problems that need to be addressed. The last thing I want is for them to gang up on me like some sort of silent assault and completely level everything I’ve worked so hard for with an emotional breakdown. I have been better about catching myself and calming myself down when I feel myself getting worked up or when I’m being verbally aggressive towards myself. It feels weird to give myself a pat on the back for not self-destructing when I feel emotionally weak but I suppose it is something to feel glad about. In two weeks I will have started a new job and I’ll be living in my new house. I seems so surreal to have things working out this way. Maybe I’ve been feeling cranky because it all happening so fast and it’s a bit overwhelming. Because It really is, if I’m being honest. Not that it’s a bad thing, I just rarely have all these good things happening at once with a promising future still ahead. I really should seek professional help for my depression and anxiety. Baby steps, I suppose. Easy does it. P.S. The title, if it seems confusing or nonsensical, is a reference to old entries I used to write here. Very old.

Weary Eyes

I write this with little motivation. I write this with little care, though I hope to do it enough to care once more. I’ve been putting off doing stuff like this over and over again; writing, starting a new book, the doodles, the afternoon walks on my days off, making it to social outings on time or at all. At some point I lost myself. I’m not sure where or when but all the things I loved so much became not only unimportant but a chore. It’s became tough to enjoy music. I used to lose myself in a song, a lyric, a chord, a beat. I forgot how to listen to it all, if that makes any sense. My mind wanders and seems to gravitate towards bad thoughts, even when listening to music, which used to be my escape. I need to seek professional help once more as I used to wonder why but have a strong suspicion anxiety is to blame. While my depression has mostly faded, though it will never fully go away, my anxiety has gone from a whisper to a deafening scream.

I have flooded my life is distractions and completely ignored that which made me. I have ignored outlets that used to bare parts of my soul that needed to breathe and started to suffocate them in unhealthy anti-social behavior that somehow excludes even myself.

I’ve started taking steps to regain that last piece I need to feel myself again. That piece that will help me flip that last switch. That piece that will help me rekindle my soul. I need it more than ever as my life has started to come together. Work, friendships, my relationship, a new house, everything is going so well but it feels as though I’m seeing it through a TV screen rather than actually living it.

I write this in order to flex this muscle again. Maybe it will become normal to write again; I’m hoping, anyway. I can’t write like I used to right now as I’ve spent too much time not writing, not reading new books, not listening to the world and the universe, but rather just the insignificant ranting of an angry voice in my head. I write this so that maybe, just maybe, if I write enough, it will silence that angry little voice and words like these, words of optimism and hope, will be louder. I write this to start something anew.

There is no need to say good-bye to those who won’t miss you

strongbowdarkfruit

i get so affectionate when i’m sleepy it’s disgusting

thegamefreaks

Metal Slug

Art by Gerardo Mdz

iamthejavafox

Childhood memories of running to the NEOGEO machine with a pocket full of coins

Things don’t always happen the way you think. It’s been oddly comforting to see things fall into place instead of apart. Last year I felt I was trapped in a civil war I wouldn’t win. Internal conflicts that felt too grand to grasp and yet here I stand. I think back and try to think of people to thank: Diego and Felipe, who were in fact terrible emotional support but I can’t deny that they were there to distract me from thoughts that would have driven me into a grave. Elsa, who gave great advice and has the sweetest voice and radiant energy that almost makes her glow. Drew and DJ who gave me a kitchen to help me cut, burn and work my problems away; kept them at bay at least. I wish I could thank my family and say they were the emotional crutch I needed when I felt my weakest. Though family isn’t always around like you might think. I love my mother and sister with all my heart but I can’t forget the shrugs, cold shoulders or rapid change of topic when I spoke my woes. It felt so cruel, inhuman even, to see someone made by and from you drowning and simply turn away. I try to remember if it was always this way but my memory of such things isn’t as clear as I would like. Like looking at a photograph of a photograph of a photograph and trying to make out what the first one was. Perhaps it’s something I did to myself in order to cope.

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