From the very start, we established that we were going into this with neither one of us wanting a relationship. What we had in the beginning was thrilling and carefree. We couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. Sexual or not. It was so easy with you. We got comfortable with each other so quickly. And before I knew it, I was falling and hard. Our first talk in regards to it was you disregarding my feelings and telling me to get over it. That was the first and should’ve only been red flag that we needed to end, but no. I shook it off because I had hope. Regardless of you telling me to give up, I knew I couldn’t. It’s funny looking back to the first night, I wanted to be in your world because I knew you could easily fit in mine. And you did. I let you in my life. Almost every aspect of it. Things came naturally with us. But as time passed, you distanced yourself. Those jokes and childlike plays started to decline. And then it reached to the point to where I was begging for us to be “normal” again. Every time I became moody or way into my head, you wanted me to be “normal”. I swear, I still don’t know what that means. Eventually, as time went on more and more red flags showed up. Despite all of the downs, I was so ready for a high, regardless of how short. However, I new I couldn’t keep up with this toxic relationship. Every feeling I had, every upset there was, you didn’t care. You had no emotions and you were so adamant about it. Yet, I still don’t know why I look back to our good memories and think otherwise. Even though we stopped having sex midway through our relationship, because “you weren’t in the mood,” I always blamed myself. Feeling like I wasn’t good enough. Feeling like there was someone else in your life. Yeah, we weren’t exclusive, but I couldn’t give you up. Despite everything, you were and maybe still are important to me. You were the first I let in my life. But now I know what I’m capable of doing. I know I can let people in my life and love them unconditionally. While you didn’t want me. I know someone else will. You never fully answered any of my questions. It was always a “I’ll try” because you never took anything I said seriously. Even though I still wake up missing you, I know I can deserve better and I know someone deserves me. It sucks we didn’t work out, but thank you for opening my eyes. You not wanting me, was the beginning of me wanting myself. I will be okay. I will be happy. I will find someone who loves me back. I never believed this would have broken my heart, but I’m picking up the pieces knowing I’m worth something/someone better.
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