Tech Support Rulez

When you dial up support for your broken shit, I'm the sap that has to talk to you. And yes, I put you on mute to talk smack about you.

[pinktintedmonocle]

For the prompt 'Tech Support' - @allvalley100

 “OK”, said Daniel.  “I think you’ve got a virus.”

Johnny frowned.  “Hey, I get checked out at the clinic every few years or so, I’m pretty sure I’m clean-”

“A computer virus, Johnny.  I know I’m going to regret asking this, but have you been watching porn?”

“There’s porn on the Internet?  I know there’s some pics of hot babes, but-”

“So what have you been looking at?”

“Facebook, YouTube, trivia about Bloodsport, how dinosaurs built the pyramids-”

“Right.  And you’ve never installed antivirus software?”

Johnny looked blank.

Daniel sighed wearily.  It was going to be a very long day.

[joeblolove]

[everythingstarstuff]

[ouroboros1781]

[badnomad]

Spiritual tech support?

[smart-n-sassy]

[technightmares]

When that same user that’s called every week this month calls AGAIN and asks “What’s my password again?”

[icanhaztechsupport]

And again and again and...

[icanhaztechsupport]

I’m a victim of some promiscuous clicking.

Customer’s first words to me

[icanhaztechsupport]

the browser is not the problem...

notes from a level one rep:

“Using IE. Told learner to open up notepad, copy/paste and then transfer to the courseroom. Learner cannot find Notepad. Told learner to try another web browser.“

[icanhaztechsupport]

they’re on both sides of the call

notes from a fellow rep:

“page not loading once firefox was not downloaded” 

...so they’re using IE...and never installing Firefox may be the culprit..?

[icanhaztechsupport]

If you are on the phone with tech support or IT and find yourself asking what to do next at every step, please stop. Use your brain. After you type in an address, fucking click enter or go or whatever you click to go to a goddamn address when you don't have somebody on the line with you. Don't let that phone call turn you into a mindless idiot.

[icanhaztechsupport]

Digital hoarders are the worst.  All the website data stored on your computer is not "yours" and is not doing you any good.  More often than not, those files will actually make your online experience more problematic.  When we ask you to delete these files, we aren't trying to steal anything from you.  It's not like we're taking your car or your daughter.  Most of it will be back on your computer in the next couple hours anyway.  Just relax, and let Tech Support do it's job.  

[treedance]

Delete Yourself From Web Services With JustDelete.me

JustDelete.me is a directory that allows you to permanently remove yourself from different web services such as Facebook, PayPal, Amazon, etc. 

Why can’t you just go to the listed sites on your own and delete yourself that way, you ask? It’s not that easy. 

A lot of sites have dark patterns — interfaces created to trick users into agreeing to terms they otherwise wouldn’t — and JustDelete.me is designed to work around those patterns.

For example, Facebook’s Account Settings menu only offers people the option to deactivate their accounts, so many think that it’s not possible to completely delete themselves from the site; the “Delete Account” button can only be found if you hunt it down. With JustDelete.me, you can click the Facebook link and be taken directly to the “Delete Account” page without all the hassle.

JustDelete.me even color codes web services by how difficult it is to delete yourself from each site, with green being the easiest, and black being impossible. (Good luck deleting yourself from Craigslist.) 

Image: Screenshot of JustDelete.me

[icanhaztechsupport]

Can you do what a ten year old girl can?

[icanhaztechsupport]

Long Silence

When there's a long pause after you take the time to explain every nuance and detail of whatever it is that you're calling in for, then there's a despondent muttering on the other end of the line...I need you to know it's not because I don't care. It's because I'm not listening. Your story is boring and I'm playing Angry Birds.

[icanhaztechsupport]

What's that? You're using your age as an excuse? For EVERYthing? Really? "I don't know what I'm doing with this router! I'm 70!" "Look, I'm in my fifties, I didn't grow up with these things (computers) like YOU all." "My parents are in their sixties, they don't know about these things." Hey! Reality check time. You don't know about these because you're ignorant, not because you are over a certain limit. Personal computers have been around for over two decades. You've been ignoring them this whole time, maybe because you think they're a fad or you could be intimidated by them. Who knows. But they've been there and you haven't, and you have had ample opportunity to learn about them.

[icanhaztechsupport]

I have never been so thoroughly convinced that a machine is capable of hate as I am right now. Fuck you, Canon printer. Fuck you very much.