[icanreed]

First fire of the season; such a relief from the bitter winter. Thawing my bones and warming my inards. Love by my side; and flames ablaze. I'm ready to spend this season amazed. #bonfire #springiscoming #minipoetry (at Dearborn Heights, Michigan) https://www.instagram.com/p/CbL0egctBZswff_KAiJzBEZZ4-WHXFAathA7h00/?utm_medium=tumblr

[icanreed]

I don't bring enough to the table when I'm good to be worth what I bring to the table when I'm doing bad.

[icanreed]

[icanreed]

Up late again

To battle this war

Considering small comforts

That I haven't tried before

Lots of people watch tv to find slumber

But that's never the way I go under

When I spend all day dragging around creaking bones

Struggling to stay awake

Yearning for this bed I'm now in

But my mind stays up late again

Tears from hard yawns as I read bedtime books

Now I'm troubled by recounting years of regretted words and looks

When all I've begged for today was sleep

Sleep now eludes me

No breathing or reading will suffice

I reach for diphenhydramine another time

I wonder what my therapist would say if I could afford to see her

I wonder what a friend would say if I had one to be here

Kept awake by every single sore spot, tingle or itch

Bipolar depression can be a fickle son of a bitch 

[icanreed]

Maybe they know

You're liquidating 

For a reason that

I dont understand 

We were hand in hand

And my heart is on the line too

It scares me now

Lounging in your presence 

Terrified of absorbing your essence 

Everyone loves my energy

But you devour it out of me

You pad me up then I start to atrophy

Writhe in agony

For how things used to be

But they never will again

I don't want this for my life

I've grown old for it already

Tethered tied and still unsteady

This isn't a life where I feel like I've won

This isn't the mom that I want for my son

Maybe I know

Exactly what I should do

Maybe it's time 

that I grow away from you

Perhaps all this fight 

is just fear of change

Perhaps I know 

I'm at the edge of my range

Maybe I'm tired and empty

Maybe I know

[icanreed]

I was born under a waxing gibbous moon

When earth was traveling through Sagittarius 

Less than an hour opposite noon

For what seems most days to be

no good goddamn reason

Under a Californian sun that doesn't match the season 

Which I've grown to know 

Maybe I was meant to live under constant sun

Maybe I was meant to grow

But instead I was just the next step

In the life of a woman 

who was going through the motions

Instead of growing up

I drowned in her commotion 

Everytime my son sheds tears I see

from the height of my mood swing

I'm reminded I'm not where I should be mentally

And for that Im sorry

All my effort seems to evaporate

And I revert back to my rotten core

There is no elevation for me

I didn't fall far enough away from the tree

[icanreed]

I am a hurricane 

I will tear into your life

Build you up with energy

But never destroy you

I will rip open your heart

And teach the meat to beat the way life intended it to

"Say it like you mean it, do you trust me now?"

Take my hand and we will not walk

We will sprint until we are beyond winded

Gasping for oxygen

Those around you 

Who do not know I have entered you

Will remark on how you've come out of your shell 

I will be your scaffolding 

And your detonation 

I will support you and then blow you away

Right to who you're supposed to be

Even if that means

You aren't with me

[icanreed]

You think you've been hurting all this time

While I've been protecting you

You forget every ounce I've carried while you rested

Every single tear of yours I wiped away

While all of mine were detested

Your raised voice

Self-loathing in words/self-righteous in tone

Yet somehow I'm the one

Who has always lost/who is always lost

My empathy has dissipated into the atmosphere

Likewise will my desire to hold you safe and dear

You've pushed me too far across the line

You've thrown me away for the last time