I can't have sex

[icanthavesex]

I’ve been off tumblr for years and just found this blog again and realize I never updated that I made it. Lost my virginity.

I think I stopped posting when I hit rock bottom.

I had a total mealtdown. Was diagnosed with panic syndrome on top of depression and anxiety. I was on medication for a couple of years.

During this time I started a relationship with a guy who had ghosted me a year before after I had confessed my vaginismus. This time around he was way better. When I was ready we started sex therapy together and then one day we had sex.

I actually had to ask him, like, did we just had sex? He was offended for a moment because I didn’t notice it, but I was like, I was waiting for pain, and it never came.

We were together for 4 years, and had a pretty healthy sex life. Only problem is that his libido was to high and mine is not. It was great to be able to have sex, but I went 26 years without it so it’s literally no big deal for me like, I value other aspects of a relationship way higher but other than that we never stopped having sex.

Sometimes I would have to ask him to start slowly and carefully because the fear never really went away, or something it would hurt and I would ask to stop.

Anyway, we broke up earlier this year but I don’t know. I feel like I needed to hit rock bottom, fix other aspects of my life and mental health and the right partner.

[rubyetc]

SOON

[icanthavesex]

I'm getting tired of all these tears attacks that happen out of nowhere and I can't control I'm so tired. So afraif. So done.

[icanthavesex]

Depression and anxiety and mental health in general us expensive af ya'll

[icanthavesex]

If I've learned something this year is that the only thing boys want/need are blow jobs. Give them a blow job and they will do anything for you. Take away their food and shelter but give them a blow job and they will be happy. Either this is true or I've met only assholes this past year.

[icanthavesex]

I recently went to an urgent care clinic and this happened. Also, a very hot male nurse was on the room :/

Doctor:Did you get a pregnancy test last time you were here

Me: No, but it's fine.

Doctor: We'll get you one today then.

Me:Seriously, there's no need.

Doctor: I still want to do it.

Me: Seriously there's no way!

Doctor: Oh... you're not sexually active?

Me: No

Doctor: Since when?!

Me: SINCE FOREVER WOMAN!

Doctor: Oh.... Ooooohhhh.... uhm.... ok....

[icanthavesex]

Single again.

[icanthavesex]

When you can feel it's over but you don't know for sure.

[icanthavesex]

I think I need medication to deal with my depression and anxiety. That thought just makes me anxious tbh.

[vaginismusandsexuality]

I was talking to this chick at work. She said she was mad half the weekend because her last patient on Friday wasn’t happy about being pregnant. I replied that sometimes being pregnant is not a good thing. She is all like “Yeah, I guess...

[vaginismusandsexuality]

I would bet her not being married was a huge factor sadly. Many people still think bring raised by a single parent is the worst thing ever.

[icanthavesex]

That's so true tho. She's not married yet but the father is around (also my roommate lol) but I've gone with her to the hospital a couple times and they ALWAYS ask for the father's name even tho they KNOW she's married (she's a miss, not mrs. that should be enough clue for a start). Like it's a fact there will always be a man involve, or SHOULD be.

[vaginismusandsexuality]

I was talking to this chick at work. She said she was mad half the weekend because her last patient on Friday wasn’t happy about being pregnant. I replied that sometimes being pregnant is not a good thing. She is all like “Yeah, I guess if its medical.” I tell her...

[vaginismusandsexuality]

Maybe they assumed she was at the hospital that it was more of an emergency situation? *shrugs

[icanthavesex]

Nah, she went there for her results, she wasn't feeling well so she went to the hospital to know for sure, they told her she was pregnant and offer to get the abortion right there and then :/ she's not married, but that shouldn't be enough.

Maybe that's their new strategy?, She never wanted kids before and she did thought about an abortion but the fact that they were so adamant on the it made it impossible for her to consider it.

[vaginismusandsexuality]

I was talking to this chick at work. She said she was mad half the weekend because her last patient on Friday wasn’t happy about being pregnant. I replied that sometimes being pregnant is not a good thing. She is all like “Yeah, I guess if its medical.” I tell her basic 101 shit like how it could be financial or just not the right time. But she replies “But its a baby!” My bullshit meter went through the roof at that point. I decided to lay out my can of personal worms and told her how the idea of being pregnant is my honest to god phobia. She replies “Oh, just give the baby to me.” and I’m like, no, its not about the birthing its about how the idea of something inside of me that I have no control over scares me shitless and if I did not have access to an abortion I would harm myself at the least. All she could do was reply about how she just loved being pregnant, the idea of life inside her was thriling.

These people never seem to think outside of there own world.

[icanthavesex]

But then there's the other side. When my roommate found out she was pregnant at the hospital they were like, if you want, right now, we can get rid of it. Right now, it takes like 20 minutes, let's go. They weren't like, here's an option, think about it. She did thought about it and decided to keep it. 

[vaginismusawareness-deactivated]

What Led to My Vaginismus

I have many thoughts about what led to me having vaginismus. They may not all have actually caused it, but I think it’s useful to add them to the vaginismus discussion.

1.) My mom used to tell me sex was only fun for men. She said they would always want it so it was an unavoidable and necessary evil so I’d have to do it someday. But she said it was not fun for women and that women rarely want to have sex. 2.) I was exposed to porn at about age 12. I had my own computer in my room totally unsupervised. This led to many online searches for different things. I chatted on AIM with many inappropriate men as well — predators for sure. I saw way too many abusive porn flicks. 3.) I had never explored my vagina and related areas before I tried putting in a tampon, so the thought of putting something in a place I didn’t understand was super scary to me. 4.) American sex education is worthless and I only learned that I should be terrified of my period. One of the men health teachers also said about a reproductive diagram of the vagina/uterus/etc: “Female anatomy looks like a moose.” 5.) I was sexually assaulted three times once I already had vaginismus; I believe this worsened it.

[icanthavesex]

What caused my vaginismus is something that hunts me. Every reason I can think of or been told about I can easily rule out by logic (not that I'm right, maybe I'm not). For example, my mom thinks that me witnessing the terrible relationship my parents had when I was growing up (they're much better now) could make me reject affection, but I did a loving and healthy relationship for 4 years so I don't think so. I read a lot about people and the things that might caused them vaginismus but I could never related. Until now. Your number 2 in the list, that's totally me too. Now I feel this could actually had something with it. I can't say for sure, but I can totally relate.

[plannedparenthood]

Cliteracy by sophiawallace

[icanthavesex]

I'm going to a sex therapist today for the first time ever. I don't know what to expect.

[icanthavesex]

There are a lot of posts on tumblr about wanting to do things but laying in bed instead and for the most part I liked them and reblog them and all, but sometimes I think that most of those people reblogging, tagging gpoy and stuff don't know what it's really like? It takes me forever to get up, getting a shower can be so hard, and I don't know, i feel like sometimes this thing I battle with so much every day it's reduced to a simple joke.

[vaginismusandsexuality]

I was on a different website when I brought up vaginismus. Two different people mentioned that their symptoms lessened or went away when they changed or went off birth control. One of them even mentioned vaginismus wad a listed side effect for their meds. I asked them...

[vaginismusandsexuality]

Vaginismus and Birth Control

Vaginismusawareness: I took Lutera birth control and highly suspect it worsened my vaginismus. I was able to cure my vaginismus only after I stopped taking that pill.

INTERESTING.

The person from the other forum reported taking generic form of Apri, her doctor even told her it was a symptom that 1% of users reported.

To me this implies that vaginismus could also be caused by certain hormone combinations; maybe possibly that someone could naturally make said combo of hormones that could be causing the muscular reaction. If this is the case then people could be prescribed another medication to counter the natural hormone production and remove the cause. Which means people who, maybe like me, who have not been able to respond to any form of treatment are naturally making these hormone patterns that make this happen.

OMG I wish I was a fucking doctor so I could do a medical trial on this. I NEED MORE INFORMATION THIS IS FUCKING AMAZING INFORMATION. THIS REMOVES THE STIGMA THAT YOU NEED A PSYCHOLOGICAL CAUSE FOR VAGINISMUS, THAT YOU CAN JUST FUCKING HAVE IT BECAUSE YOUR BODY DOES A THING AND ITS NOT SOME MYSTERY TO WHY YOU HAVE IT IT CAN BE CORRECTED OMGOGMOGOMGOMGOMMOGGMOMGOMOGOMG

[icanthavesex]

I had a million tests done to rule out hormonal issues and guess what? every hormone in my body is in fine, every single one of them. I was praying so much to something hormonal to be wrong so I could just take the hormone and fix it but noup :/