I can't.

All the things my brain can't handle. var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-23962040-1']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })();

[icantjustno]

You just can't make this stuff up!

[icantjustno]

Elizabeth Banks posted today about the practical wisdom to impart to your children when they start college. This was the second comment. I'm sure she's trolling for University of Phoenix, but CAHMAN! If an employer is evaluating two candidates, one with an MBA from University of Phoenix and the other with an MBA from Harvard Business School, do you really think the first guy is preferred (all else being equal)?

[Click through for Banks' tips, because they're pretty genius.]

[icantjustno]

posted without comment

[icantjustno]

As a Tar Heel, I kind of love this.

“If there’s one thing I know, it’s desserts,” the former Duke center said. “You’ve seen the cupcake niche and the macaroon shops in areas like New York, but no one was doing cream puffs well.”

[icantjustno]

There is so much to "I can't!" over this. 

1. the title

2. sleuthing through Instagram

3. my favorite Andys

4. the final line of this article, which includes the phrase "keep your fingers and your penises crossed"

[icantjustno]

[icantjustno]

Ick - so gross. I know he's an Olympian and all, but I cannot get with that. Ew.

[icantjustno]

Lowell Turpin had suspected his live-in girlfriend of an affair, but he became particularly suspicious when he noticed a picture of a man he didn’t recognize on her Facebook page.

He ”angrily demanded to know who the male was,” according to an Anderson County (Tennessee) Sheriff’s Department incident report, then jerked her laptop away from her, smashed it into the wall, and punched her in the face.

The mystery man in question? Mitt Romney.

Turpin has been charged with domestic assault and is being held in Anderson County Jail.

[icantjustno]

[icantjustno]

Hapless Canadian student Vanessa Hodja posted this screenshot with the caption:

I ACCIDENTALLY SENT MY POTENTIAL FUTURE BOSS A PICTURE OF NIC CAGE RATHER THAN MY COVER LETTER+RESUME, WHICH WAS A ZIP FILE TITLED WITH A BUNCH OF NUMBERS LIKE THE JPG I ACCIDENTALLY ATTACHED OH MY GOD

[icantjustno]

This was written on the IMDB page for The Hobbit yesterday. It's gone now.

[surisburnbook-deactivated202412]

Nineteen months of pregnancy and all she has to show for it is a nine-pound, thirteen-ounce baby girl with the name of a middle-aged man.

Congratulations, Maxwell Drew Johnson, and good luck with the rest. At least you aren’t inside Jessica Simpson anymore. 

[icantjustno]

[icantjustno]

Elderly Americans rely on the United States Postal Service... I'll come home to my home here in Washington and there will be some mail there. A lot of it is what some people refer to as junk mail. But for the people that are sending that mail, it's very important. And, talking about seniors — Seniors LOVE to get junk mail. It's sometimes their only way of communicating or feeling they're part of the real world.

[icantjustno]

Someone's been hitting the go-go juice a little too hard. America's future, ladies and gents.

[mbyhoff-blog]

[ratsoff]

(via laughterkey.)

[icantjustno]

I wish you would tell the President he is ded

In September of 1896, the head of the Atlantic City Railroad in New Jersey received the following letter of complaint from an unhappy local named A. T. Harris. Little else is known. (Source: The Oxford Book of Letters; Image via Wikimedia.)

To the Superintendent Atlantic City Railroad Sept 1896 Dear sir, On the 15th yore trane that was going to Atlanta ran over mi bull at 30 mile post. He was in my Pastur You orter see him Yore ruddy trane took a peece of hyde outer his belly between his nable and his poker at least fute square and took his bag most off and he lost is seeds. I don’t believe hi is going to be any more use as a bull. I wish you would tell the President he is ded, for he is as good as ded ever since he was hit by yore trane. Yours respectfully A.T. Harris P.S.—Be sure and report him as ded as he has nothing left but his poker. He was a red bull but he stand around in these days looking dam blue.