My Thoughts

Just a bunch of things I've written to get the thoughts out of my mind

[icantthinkofaname799]

Is This Normal?

He's pulling away

He's pulling away

He's pulling away

What does it mean?

He is tired of me?

He is uncomfortable because of me?

He thinks I'm uncomfortable?

He thinks I want distance ?

I'm forcing him into acting in a way he doesn't want to?

I've tried to make him notice I'm upset

I want him to realize and ask me what's wrong

But for what

Just so things can continue how they already are

Me fighting a losing battle with my own mind

God I'm a coward

Why can't I just let him know how I'm feeling?

It'll make me feel better

But I'm scared that he'll think I'm crazy

We aren't dating so I have no right to feel like this

It's not normal

I'm not normal

These emotions aren't normal

My insane jealousy isn't normal

Or is it normal?

Do other people feel this way as well?

Or am I crazy?

(Originally created on November 4th, 2022)

[icantthinkofaname799]

Expressing my feelings about him

I’ll start with the good things about this.

He makes me flustered

He can be bold sometimes and shy other times which is really cute to me

He is by far the best person I've liked because of his kindness even though he won’t admit that sometimes

He always wears the things I've given him

He always does what I suggest which is crazy because most people just hear what I say and don’t try out the things I recommend

He makes me feel overwhelmed with different emotions all the time

It is just a question of what emotion it will be that day

I've been flustered, shy, horny, and doubtful so far but there is no telling what other emotions he will bring out of me later on.

But this is where I get confused and start overthinking this situation.

In the beginning, he would reciprocate everything I did but ever since the events that occurred Monday, he has seemed distant and moves away slightly when I’m near him as if he is trying to gain distance.

He makes me think that he doesn’t really like me like that sometimes because he told me that he liked me but wasn’t ready for a relationship, but shortly before we really got to know each other, he had asked out another girl and she rejected him.

It makes me wonder if I’m just not good enough to date him or if he just said he liked me because maybe he felt sorry for me or maybe he just said yes because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings.

Sometimes I don’t even know why I try so hard because I’m not even allowed to date but I can’t just stop because I've already gone too far.

He is everything my stepdad doesn’t like because he is a POC and is “nerdy” which stepdad would call a “loser” but I think it’s really cute when he goes on long discussions and tangents about the video games he likes.

It’s always like this when I crush on someone

I overthink everything and it ends up being my downfall of a potentially great relationship

I overthink to the point where I end up distancing myself from that person and it ruins everything because then they think I’ve lost interest but it’s the opposite and I always convince myself that they have gotten tired of me and they want nothing to do with me anymore

I am always my own enemy when it comes to these things In the end, I always give up

(Originally created on November 4th, 2022)

[icantthinkofaname799]

Another

There is another one

But I don't get the sick-to-my-stomach butterflies

I feel calm

And happy, not anxious

I don't feel nervous around him

I feel as if we've known each other for a longer time than we actually have

I wanna say he is different but who am I to say

I mean I've never had good judgment before

Something always went wrong with the others

I hope this doesn't turn out the same way

He is so sweet and smart

He waits for me so we can leave class together

He holds the door open for me

He says hi to me every time he sees me and goodbye every time we depart

God I hope I'm not wrong about you

I'm gonna take my time this go around

I have all year to get to know him better

And I refuse to have things go wrong because I rushed into things

This time will be different

I'm swearing it to myself

(Originally made on September 8th, 2022)

[icantthinkofaname799]

What Is Wrong With Me?!

I'm out of energy all the time

I listen to music and watch Youtube because it is my outlet and lets me be distracted

I've tried to explain how I feel to my parents but it's hard to explain something you can't describe

Idk what it is

I cry sometimes for no reason even when nothing bad has happened to me

I blast music all the time because it makes me feel at ease and helps me with the constant thought running through my mind

Some of the lyrics in songs I listen to sometimes make me feel heard and like it's the only thing I can relate to

But my parents don't know that so they think I'm just being disrespectful

I also do it to ignore them sometimes because at some point I can't even look at them without being angry. Mostly my stepdad because he makes me feel miserable

He always has something negative to say about me or anything I do

He makes me feel like I'm nothing sometimes

I become overdramatic when I tell stories sometimes because I want people to feel sorry for me and I want a reaction from people

I want what I don't get from my parents, in strangers and friends

Sympathy and Comfort

My problems have always been ignored by my family almost my whole life because there was always something more "important" going on

I was never heard by them

They always said "not now" or "you'll get over it"

But it's been years now and whatever this feeling is, I haven't gotten over it

When will I be over it?

I overthink everything I do because I always got yelled at for every little mistake I made

So, I overanalyze everything to make sure I won't get in trouble for it

They always say I don't talk to family enough and I'm always in my room

But when I do talk to family, it always turns into an argument or turns into them just making fun of me, and sometimes they don't realize that even if they are joking, it hurts

But I play it off like I don't care but cry when I'm alone

Why does none of my family seem to care?

Why do they always tell me it's something everyone goes through and that I'll get over it, instead of telling me it's gonna be okay and that they will be there for me?

Why do I feel like I don't want to do anything all the time but lay in bed and sleep?

What is wrong with me???????

(Originally made on April 10th, 2022)

[icantthinkofaname799]

Dear, Parents

Thank you

Thank you for showing me how to be the complete opposite of you when I'm a parent

How to accept my child for who they are

How to praise them instead of focusing on every mistake they have made

How to let them be free

How to let them express themselves however they want

How to not ruin their self-confidence

How not to be over barring

How to be there for them when they need me

How to listen to what they have to say

How to give them privacy when they ask for it

How to let them experiment with people

How to be supportive

How to love

(Originally made on April 10th, 2022)

[icantthinkofaname799]

Good Enough

Am I pretty enough? Am I skinny enough? Am I better than her? Am I good enough?

Everything a girl says when she like a guy Everything a girl says when she dates a guy Everything a girl says when she sees another girl

Why do we have to feel like this? Why is it, that we have to make being pretty a competition? Why is being good enough so important? Why can't we be pretty in our own way?

No, we can't We have to be a stereotype We have t be skinny We have to be blonde We have to have big butts but not big hips We have to have clear skin We have to have big boobs We have to be big in all the right places but small in every other place

We have to watch out for guys in public Because we could get raped or assaulted We have to be on guard our whole lives

All because men think that they are able to do what they want, to who they want, and when they want

Those are the real monsters of the world Not Zombies Not Vampires Or Wolves Or any other made-up creature But men.

(Originally made on February 25th, 2022)

[icantthinkofaname799]

FUCK YOU!!!!

I hate you My life was easier before you came into my life I hate that I can't quit you Whenever I say I'm gonna ignore you, you pull me back in Why can't you just leave my life already FUCK I can't stand this back and forth anymore Why does it have to be so complicated Ugh I just wanna look at you and scream I wanna tell you how you have fucked up my life How I was happier and more stable with you not around I'm a fucking mess because of you and you don't even know it Or you do but you just don't care Or was this your plan all along? To fuck with me I have never been this fucking torn about someone I fucking hate you but I can't hate you at the same time It's so confusing!!!!!!!!!!!

(Originally made on March 9th, 2022)

[icantthinkofaname799]

I Can't

I say I'm over the feelings I say I'm through So why when I walk down the hallway, do I still look for you? I know you're not over her I can't blame you But, tell me the truth so that I can move on

You tell me you're over her, but I can see it when she's near I want to be over this feeling I want to move on I want to be happy for you

I CAN'T I can't just let this go I can't lose this feeling I can't be happy for you when I'm not happy myself

But, do I really want to lose it all with you?

(Originally made on February 25th, 2022)

[icantthinkofaname799]

Him

Every time I think of him, I get butterflies They are so strong that I sometimes feel like puking Sometimes I can't eat because of the butterflies.

Idk what it is about him But he makes me feel things I've never He is sweet He is interesting He is shy He calls me pretty He is NOT single

But his girlfriend doesn't deserve him She has cheated on him many times But yet he still stays with her He says he is stupid for doing so Then why do you stay?

(Originally created on February 10th, 2022)