A note played at the wrong time creates discord. The instruments stop blending and the music becomes a mess. It disrupts the harmony of the melodies and rhythms that could have serenaded your ears.
In most cases, it’s not about what you do or how you do it, but rather when you do it. “It’s not a matter of time, it’s just a matter of timing,” sings Motion City Soundtrack. It’s easy to decide on your next move, but you could easily ruin your plans if you do it at the wrong time.
After all, actions could lead to permanent consequences.
This marks the start of a waiting game. You bide your time for that perfect moment where you have full confidence in your move. You make sure that the next notes you play harmonize with those in the previous measures.
Then again, one can only wait so long. One should only wait so long. Opportunities are rare and not everyone gets second or third chances.
So, listen to the music and feel every note in your veins. Only those who hum and dance along can predict the song’s next crescendos and decrescendos.
Only those who keep their eyes open see.
Only those who act at the right time win.
Let them run wild.
Your memories, your thoughts, your in-betweens.
Let them crash, smash, and thrash.
Let them create a void amidst the chaos.
Exhume every sliver of your soul,
All the anger, the pain, the in-betweens.
Expel them all, spit them out.
Pluck them away from your very existence.
Leave no trace of what happened.
Embrace indifference in every memory.
Purge the allure of nostalgia.
Let the chaos pass, let the void consume all.
Start over. Make something out of nothing.
Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.
I never thought I'd feel such intense feelings in six weeks.
In unrelated news, happy 2,500th post to my old blog!
Before this experience, I was against falling head over heels over someone. That's for good reason, because I believe it's insane to do so. Until one person made me eat my own words.
I guess there really are times when all the emotions get out of control. If he were to explain it, some neuroscience-related discussion would ensue. Which would've made the topic more memorable. But since I'm no pre-med student, all I can do is write a hodgepodge of sappy, hippie shit.
For six weeks, I was in heaven. It was matchless. The best time of my life so far. All the descriptions I could come up with would always seem like it came from a Hollywood chick flick. But really, I have no other way to phrase it.
It's just that I met this person who changed my perspective on everything I know. Prior to this experience, I gave up on the idea of finding a match. I'm fine on my own, at least that's what I told myself.
For a long time, I was best buds with solitude. Then there came this person who's perfect in every way. The change was too drastic, it felt like the whole world flipped upside down.
Everything just clicked into place. Our personalities matched perfectly, as far as I can tell. There's the common interest in music, with which our differences in genre preference never mattered. There's the inherent love for solitude. And there's the common interest in each other, at least that's what registered in my head.
The next thing I know we were chatting non-stop. The messages would come flying, even if I were working on a long article and if he were in class.
Later on, we decided to meet. Who knew it would turn out to be perfect? We were only together for six hours or so, but it was magical. Never in my life had I experienced something like that, which kept me coming back for more.
The messages continued. At one point, it seemed our connection was the only thing that mattered. At one point, that "seemed" got removed in that sentence. Bliss doesn't even come close in describing what I felt.
He was all I ever wanted; heck, he's even more than what I wanted. From the way I see it (yes, up until now), the whole thing was perfect. For six weeks, that is.
But as Motion City Soundtrack puts it, "all good things eventually end and get washed down the drain."
Suddenly, he disappeared. Right after almost spending one full night with him. Right after I had the best experience in my life so far.
Some time later, he told me to remove myself from his life, to forget about him.
It was utter devastation. Hah, I'm even still devastated as I type this. All that perfection, gone in an instant. I never thought I'd feel as pulverized as I do right now. I never thought he'd burn our bridge, because there really was nothing wrong between us in that six-week period.
Unfortunately, I can't promise to keep his request. Removing myself from his life is easy, painfully so. But forgetting him is asking for the impossible.
And besides, I have already promised myself something about this matter. Never in my entire life have I broken a promise I made to myself.
Hi, self. You haven't been in a very good shape lately. It sucks, but that's the way the universe is. You, however, need to get your shit together.
First off, lessen your inherent selfishness. We both know your ego is such an important factor in your life. But, there are crucial times when you have to put your ego aside for a while. Sometimes, it becomes a choice between your ego or the other person or thing involved. Stop pushing away people for once.
That said, don't fear other people's reactions when you show your vulnerability. You're not a rock. You're not as heartless as you think you are. It's okay to let other people see you take a hit, fall down, and suffer from the pain of either what hit you or how you fell. Your pride's too high. It won't hurt to take it down a notch or two.
Accept the fact that you need other people. We both know you love solitude. You love working alone; and, as much as possible, you'd like it to stay that way. It is, however, inevitable that you need other people. You have your friends. Trust them and don't push them away. You've lost enough friends for crying out loud.
I can't believe this draft of mine from three years back still resonates with me. Maybe I didn't really change, after all.
And I will run until I'm locked in your embrace
I will hold on to promises unsaid
If you could see what I'd give
Just to be with you again
I cannot stress enough how much this song resonates with me right now. For the first time in a very long time, I'm dead serious in saying I'm willing to give up a lot of things just to rebuild a burned bridge.
I need a break from all forms of human interaction. I've been dealing with a lot of hellos and handshakes the past five days. FIVE DAYS!!! Where is my solitude?
What is there in a pause? A temporary flat line in the world of ever-moving frequencies. A moment wherein you feel the irony of being deaf from the quietest noise we know. A fleeting instance when time seems to slow down to a hundredth of its usual pace.
The worst part is you have no idea what that means, when it will stop, and why it’s there. It’s just… there, like a dozen cameras monitoring every movement you make and a hundred tiny animals gnawing on your legs. A perpetual observer haunting you, staring at your very soul.
What does silence mean? Does it follow the usual belief that it is affirmation, or is it supposed to be a negative statement? Perhaps it is life’s take on a stop sign, something you should heed unless you want to crash, burn, and fade away. Or maybe it is simply what it is; maybe I’m just being too stubborn as usual to interpret things as they appear. After all the worry inside my head, maybe the silence means just one thing – nothing.
In some far-flung region of my consciousness, there is this tiny fragment of sanity holding on to a minuscule sliver of hope. Who knows what difference that could make? Maybe we all live just so the universe can break us at one point, sometimes through the silence that reverberates in its nothingness.
And so I sulk, as I always have, until something or someone tunes out the silence once again.
All the time, people look for heaven.
That place where they are at ease,
Where the only emotion is bliss.
Some see it in their dreams,
Some see it in their beliefs.
Little do they know,
Heaven is to be in your arms,
Inches away from the perfection
That is your face.
I'm at this point where I'm not sure what drives me to trudge through each day. I've reached the point where I have to convince myself that I'm doing the right thing, just so my whole spirit wouldn't crash and burn.
Uncertainty
The bleakness and uncertainty of the future frightens the hell out of me. What would I accomplish by next year? Where would I be by then? What would define my existence in the future? These questions (and a gajillion others more) plague my head each night. Sadly, they all remain unanswered.
I like control, especially when it's my life on the line. But humans can only go so far in controlling their lives. Too bad. It would've been awesome to see where exactly you'd be with every decision you make.
Hah, this sounds like a typical Millennial rant. I'm here thinking I'm destined to be someone special in this world, only to find out I'm just another cog in a machine.
Pressure
Uncertainly isn't the only thing that's keeping my brain busy before getting any sleep. There's also this pressure that keeps bugging me.
It sucks being the firstborn in a Filipino family. It's like your hardwired to assume all responsibility over your family. When they need something, you have this duty to try your best to provide it.
To be honest, there is some sense of fulfillment in helping my parents and my sister. But this slightly fuels my FOMO. If I commit to this until my sister gets her fine arts degree, I would have sacrificed four years I cannot take back, right? I'm not rushing things with this mindset, am I?
Although my parents don't exactly pressure me into helping them (my mother did say I have my own life to live), I can see the things they expect from me. And it's not like I could stomach giving them the cold shoulder when I know there's a problem in the house.
The pressure fuels my thoughts of running away. I'd quit my job, find a place to call home in Baguio, and live there for good. It's not as easy as it sounds, though. *sigh*
Burnout
Lastly, there's my negative outlook toward the path I'm currently treading.
I'm dead tired with what I do for a living. It's a cycle of writing things that matter to no one but the owners of websites we cater to. When someone asks me what I do for a living, I usually tell them I write for the Web. Now, I feel like I just pollute the Internet with crap - day in, day out.
Look, it's not like my job is horrible; it's just that I've outgrown it (been doing it since 2009, y'all!). There's no any sense of fulfillment, there's no any sense of growth.
Maybe this is my kind of quarter-life crisis. Maybe this isn't even close to what quarter-life crisis is. Or maybe I just don't know what I'm talking about.
In other news, I'm back on Tumblr after 2+ years (still probably won't be here regularly, though). Not that anyone cares. :P
Look at that, I don't post for 2+ years and I greet everyone with a lengthy rant. Good job, self.
BIG NEWS! Clarifying earlier “news” reports: we are releasing “True Romance”, our first single from the new album, digitally worldwide on April 17th on Epitaph Records/The Boombox Generation. Stay tuned for more details!
