Mood 🚬☕️
6 december 2023
Today I woke up with a slight lingering anxiety. After spending the night dreaming about work and everything that needs to get done I woke up almost more exhausted than rejuvinated. The idea of going back in a few days stresses me out, but I need to set that aside for the time being. Instead I should focus on taking it one day at a time and 'trusting the process'.
In the evening I went to the Christmas market with my colleague. I had originally invited him for glögg last week but he was not able to come over so he wanted to take a rain check and planned for today instead. I'm not entirely sure what I feel toward him. When he first started at the school, after I had hired him, I saw him as just that...a colleague. Still, we grew closer over time and eventually he was invited to my birthday party and we have a lot of chats both in person at work and texting.
However, today he mentioned another guy that was at my birthday party. He assumed this guy was gay but after I told him twice that he is not, he quickly realized that the guy and I had had a thing. I told him I did not want to talk about it, but he kept probing a little more. We landed on the notion that the guy had ghosted me and that was that.
Then he brought up another colleague of ours who I have a complicated history with. He said that this colleague seemed friendly to which I responded, "He is, but he is difficult to get to know." Of course he started to probe more there as well. I let him know that the colleague of ours had come over to mine once to hangout, only to leave me a message of "we'll never be more than friends" a week later.
The last thing I wanted to do was discuss my garbage truck of a dating life with my colleague as I am unsure what my feelings toward him are. I do not want him to think of me as a player or someone who just jumps from guy to guy. Although at this rate that is kind of what it feels like. Still, when leaving the Christmas market we walked with one of his friends since they were going to a dinner together. He told her to go to the dinner and that he would walk me to the bus which was very sweet of him. The bus ended up coming later so I walked him back to the dinner and continued home by foot.
All these feelings and honestly the entire shit show of a year this has been led me to walk to the grocery store and pick up some Vogue cigarettes and lighters. I smoked one on my way home and will probably grab another now before bed. I am not a smoker, but when I feel like rock bottom is greeting me with an open door I just need a puff or two.
