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I just had the strangest dream

I was house sitting for d and col

but it was a different house

I first was at the beach at night and then was watching someones beach cam while I was sitting there and I noticed that I could see the northern lights in the video so I looked over and there was this massive flash of light then I could see it again

after that I was somewhere with rach and a guy and other people and rachs guy was catching really shitty waves was super hectic and we were all impressed

then rach yohannas and I were at this house and Anna was pregnant or had just had a baby and rach was asking how long it was til your boobs started to firm up and look normal size again after breastfeeding and I said it depends when you start weaning your kid off and that maggie breastfeed her kids til they were like 3 or and so then maggie all of a sudden was in the dream and was BF lenny and there were cameras all over the house which is the house I was house sitting so it's weird because she got this phone call from someone in the gov or something they told her why are people over you need to tell them to go outside so we can talk to you and they like had control of her front door. and lights at her house and everything so we went upstairs and I dont think she knew I heard and then there was this huge puzzle of what looked like the wavey rocks in AZ and I said it was nice then all of a sudden I was house sitting alone in the future. and it was the same house but D called me and said it looks like there is something maybe a cement cinder block blocking the view of one of the cameras can I go move it now and I was in the middle of getting ready and so i did start to go downstairs and i heard the kitchen sink turn on and got so scared so I ran down fast and up on the counter I saw this ting creature. it was like a mini human but looked weird as fuck and was kind of gross he hoped down and was trying to run away but I grabbed him and started mashing him into the ground just swinging him over and over he was only maybe like a little of a foot tall and then I remembered something was in the over so I took it out took a photo of him and put him in the over then I woke up

so fucking weird. I got chills when I wrote about the little man. idk what any of this means but I definitely need to talk to maggie.

dec 21st 2020

it's happened twice or maybe 3 times now where I've had this very clear voice in my head say something so definitely.

1st was on the way to freo to the sofar sounds gig and we were driving past some nice condos and I heard I want to have a boyfriend

second was in Natasha's sauna and I heard you do not grow playing inside your comfort zones

third was just now on the beach watching couples all around and I heard someday i will do this with somebody but today I'm happy to be alone.

I came to Australia wanting to grow and I think I have but in a very different way than I imagined. I have grown more comfortable relaxing and not chasing after something constantly

I have become comfortable in my skin when its plump or firm

I have grown more calm and able to quiet my mind almost on command.

theres plenty of other ways. less dependent on my phone a stronger reader and better friend always surprising myself with the advice I give.

I am growing. but not linearly and not into anyone other than who I'm meant to be

dec3rd 2020

I had such a vivid dream last night I'm not sure where they combine but I was taking a bath and there was a little kid with me maybe sammy maybe cohen and then we saw a rat and it got in the bath with us so I had to get us both out but obviously it was stressful and I think my sisters were there Janelle and gabbie... and so we tried to cover the rat with a towel but he ended up grabbing onto me and I had to pull his little claws off me then I wanted to take a shower because I was in rat water and the shower was so small. then i remember feeling like it felt small cause I was fat but not like huge just a little bigger then idk there was another dream I was at school and went into class.. a teacher that I really liked and they liked me back and I just set my stuff down and went back into the hallway ezzy stayed in class and when I was in the hallway I saw anita so I went to talk to her but then I also saw troy so I was hugging and kissing on him and then the bell rang and we were all still out there chatting and so then my teacher came out and saw me an was like you just come in whenever you're ready and I was like ugh but I liked the teacher so I went in but I didnt say bye to troy I just stomped off and I remember thinking hes going to be upset about this. then when I was in class we were given this little blurb and meant to make a little project out of food that represented what the blurb said but it couldnt be something that was super basic idk anyway mine had to do with the beach I think and then we all were outside it was very strange

nov9 2020

two dreams

second one I was with janelle and ezzy Anna few other friends and we were staying somewhere and had snuck out and we're going to drive to so the goonies hike and I got left behind with the second group. I had a chat with mrs hamulack about this.young boy who was being a dick and then I came back they were there and then I'm not sure where I went but then they left without me. and I was so mad and it was too far to walk. but I waited outside and then i called janelle she was with the other group in the first car and was like dood they left me wtf and she was like yea when I called ezzy they were at the grocery store and basically I told her this was over and that her and her friends needed to go home for bailing and then she was even more mad when they left me. it was so strange. but I felt really uncomfortable on my own in the dark waiting..

first dream

I was meant to be teaching yoga at this school like reoccurring and I was good friends with the director and there was a couple of other guys involved not sure who they were exactly but I was going through the main office back to mine and one of guys followed me sitting on a rolly chair and said hey we have a problem and I was like oh no what's that and then he grabbed my left side and squeezed really hard and was like you're annoying me. and I was crying and couldnt hardly breathe and was about to pass out and then finally I woke up but I could still feel the pain in my side in real life. weird.

oct 30th 2020

Another dream about troy soooo vivid and real. I was working at this restaurant and it felt like he was working there too or was just there and people knew who he was and this other guy I worked with kept trying to flirt with me but troy was always coming up and kissing me and holding me from behind. Then it was almost as if the dream never stopped. I was at some event with gabbie but I knew troy would be there and when we walked in I could see him sitting with Keith urban or something hahah and then I got really drunk and went to talk to troy and he was being really weird and drunk but not like himself and he said they were all leaving to go downstairs to check out what Keith urban was doing or some shit and so I tried ti find my sister but I couldnt and I didnt have my phone so finally when I got down stairs everyone was leaving and this massive group of guys was following me so I ask for help from the police or security and they took me this secret route out but they were saying to each other to make sure no one was there because some of the guys know the route. and then when I got there I ran into troy again and he took me. later I was in aus and it was as if troy had work to do here. but when he was free he was able to hang out with me and so I was really hoping we could get in some beach time and it was night and I was swimming with someone and they were asking about the water and then all of a sudden a ton of people my friends I think came up on boats and were chanting my name telling me I needed to learn to surf. and that this was some of the best surfing in the world then I remember needing to blow my nose and it wouldnt stop running.

29th of October 2020

I had the most vivid dream with troy last night and we were communicating on the phone and something was said about a ring and he had a friend at a jewelry store and strangely fast the ring was given to me and then we met at his house and I said I dont need a ring to be yours or something I just want to be together.. then we had a shower and I remember feeling safe and him telling me that all my things were still at his house but i had this uncomfortable feeling because I never told him about seeing Vince and i felt like i was lying so then i did try to tell him and he got angry but not so much so that he didnt want to see me.. he just wanted to ask my friend how long it was going on and stuff like that. it was weird but I'm so happy I got to see him in this dream and feel the way I felt when I was around him.

october 27 2020

woke up camping in kalbarri with kate but initially had no idea where I was...

I feel so out of touch and disassociated with who i am..

I had a weird dream where I was at home with a guy not sure who.. and we were going to have sex but I was touching myself i think anyway someone i knew from school was watching me through the window and then they tried to break into my house and then he sang this weird song about watching me and publicly humiliated me to the entire school and rach stopped being my friend and I felt so sad and angry... and the teachers all knew and couldn't do anything. it was so strange but so vivid and real.. I also had a dream that I was driving brogan and myself to work and then there was a lot of police and I got pulled over for not wearing a seat belt... I was friends with the cop and he had a crush on me but I was getting in trouble for driving high and there was so much weed in my car and I wasn't going to get much second year visa it was so bad and I remember the cop saying it was too good for his career to let me off. he needed this case. I was devastated that I was going to have to leave aus.

I need to be honest with myself and the people close to me but I feel like I could lose them because i lied.

9.22.18

today's the autumnal equinox where theres both equal parts daylight and nighttime. I decided to go outside and smoke a bowl in my mom's backyard this morning and move my body. I ended up doing this strange meditation where I laid completely flat and closed my eyes and tried to not think about anything it judge anything going on just to observe the situation. it was incredibly freeing to not feel any certain way but to just notice everything around me without seeing it. I did this for a while had to bring myself back a lot but I was able to find this quiet place where I could allow my body to bring up whatever it felt like. at one point I swore I could hear a piano. and maybe even the beginning of a song that seemed so familiar yet so far out of reach. I then tried to shift my perspective to seeing with my eyes closed and there was so many colors and so much movement. I saw fishes and then a fork and knive I'm not where these came from. I remember through out this meditation I needed to bring my legs closer together and I asked myself to allow love into my life. to really be open to receiving it from those around me. I remember acknowledging my brain running wild with negativity and telling myself I need to work at finding that observer state more often. I'd like to stop putting my life on display and live in the moment more. i need to take a break from social media again but I'm going to do it differently this time. I'm going to keep my accs for communication but I'm going to stop posting. I want to create a tangible instagram in a way. where I print photos and add the quotes or words that in feeling and making into a little book of sorts. I feel like this will help me get better at being creative and release any pain I'm feeling. I know this is a.step towards healing and a scary one. I am terrified to live my life for just me. like it somehow wont be enough. I'm going to try. I feel like my first test happened tonight. seeing gabby on Michelle's insta story. I must let go of my feelings towards her and know that they were misdirected because of Andrew. allow yourself to forgive and let go. during my meditation i kept reminding myself that my ego doesn't get to push me around and I can do what I need without a time restraint. i had to have faith that the universe would protect me from any crawlies and that helped me fully relax. i remember a time I didn't know how to quiet my mind. it's pure magic to know I've taught myself and to feel it which feels like nothing but everything all at once.

9.16.18

recently I had a dream where you got really mad at me while we were on vacation and your family was there with us and I was trying to walk away before I started crying and you were chasing after me. I remember walking past a couple of guys and one had pulled me onto his lap and you got so mad like I chose to do it. so I pushed him away and I kept walking you were yelling something I just felt so helpless. that feeling hasn't left me. In fact I'm not sure if I let it ruin my date or not. I tried to not think about you while I was with kyle but that's always easier said than done.

9.4.18

I had a dream that I was with you last night. im not sure of many details only that when I see you in my dreams my real body can feel you and when I wake up I remember how much I miss you and I wish it was real. no one said this would be easy to let someone go whos very real and alive. you're not so far anymore and maybe that's why I feel so much. I saw gabby and Stephen the other night at brothers that also probably encouraged this dream. perspective shift. fuck this! I don't need to miss you anymore. I don't want to feel empty and if I let go of you then I'll no longer need to fill the void you left inside. but does that keep me from imagining your hands against me... crippling and comforting.. never.

6.13.18

lately I can't keep you off my mind. everytime I'm with someone else somehow something they do reminds me of you. my heart hurts. I haven't ached for you in so long. I wish I could just move on. but I want to tell you so many things. like how I was thinking about when we went to water world and the first time we went to culvers and the way your hand fits in mine and riding in your jeep up wadsworth after the first time you kissed me. I have a flashback of you nearly everywhere I go and it hurts to know that this was my choice to be here without you even if it was the right thing to do.

5.23.18

today I was up early since I stayed at Trevors and he had work. I got home and started getting ready to lay out. the phone rang and I listened in on the call and heard about how you were moving from the halfway house to be on your own or something. I guess I thought you had been out for a while now but it sorta stung to hear your name. my dad was the one taking the call... then he came.to talk to me and I told him I didn't want to hear about it. he'd been drinking. a little later he came back outside and just started making small talk. then we started talking about his parents and birds and how they remind him of them and now I have a grey and red little bird to remember my dad by. it's funny he thinks I would forget a day like this.

4.18.18

there's so many thoughts running through my head. how do I become a productive person again? how do I stop craving meaningless affection? how do I find enough self control to create better habits? where do I find the piece that's missing? I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go right now but I'm confident that the universe has a plan. I have to put all of myself into this faith and see where it takes me. I am worthy of an amazing life here and wealth that comes without discontentment. I deserve to feel the self love I felt in Utah and maybe it's time I distinguish ego from love. There has to be something I'm missing. Maybe I'm just looking for excuses. Maybe I just need to start doing whatever it is I need to to feel like I'm the person I want to be. but I'm not sure where to start. I need a job in golden but I also need to be down here making money I need to decide on 3 days that I teach right now and let the rest go.

I wish I could get Connor off my mind. The more I think about him the more i want to save him and I know that sounds so crazy but it's a thouught. there's so many lessons I can learn from him just having spent so little time with him. it's interesting the way things worked out. I still have yet to see the purpose or intention but I will stay patient. life is so strange and I hope soon everything starts to fall into place again. please keep me strong enough to resist the urge to find safety with andrew. I need to seriously let that go.

4.6.18

I am so horny I want to cry. I just want to get laid and I know if I wait it will be even better but I'm literally about to start whining like I just wanna get off and there's no one to help me. fuck. I truly truly hope I can fuck Connor next weekend. I know I'll cum and his face is deadly. mmm. god I need to not think about him. he makes it worse. fuck.

4.4.18

I had a dream about you last night. The details.have already left me but the feeling of seeing you again has not. In the dream I knew you were upstairs at this party asleep so I went up there... I knew I shouldn't have in my dream but I really wanted to lay with you so I did anyway. When I got to your room you were asleep so I sat on the floor and drank. Trying to decide if I risk waking you up by getting in bed or if I just leave you be. Suddenly you rolled over and asked what I was doing then I didn't know what to say and got up and I don't remember the rest. I just know I desperately wanted to lay with you but I didn't know if you felt the same. I still feel like that now. only I know I have to stay away. it's been 4 months since I saw you last. 4 months since I decided enough was enough. but god that doesn't make it easier. I miss you the most. I wish I didn't have to miss you. I wish there was a way for us. Oh well. guess I'll see you in my dreams. hope you're doing better than well. I love you still.

4.2.18

I heard this song the other day and I listened to it because the cover of their album has my favorite flower in it. The song killed me with every word sung. It is a perfect description of the fantasy I pretended to live with you. I wish I could listen to this song with you. I wish it would change something I wish it would make a difference. I miss the fuck out of you. but u have yo stop running backwards. especially now that I'm home...

you're one of the few things I'm sure of..

well at least i thought you were..

come closer come closer I want you to unravel me..

damn this song brought me to tears because it's so spot on.

3.6.18

today was long, I felt insecure a little because i am breaking out and have a 3rd eye. I tried to take good care of it tonight hopefully it clears up before Saturday. before work I spent time posting on Instagram and trying to motivate to work out. I did not workout but I did try to push myself at work. I got 1 signup which was good and we got out on time. I went and saw black panther with Zach and we ran into Alana. the movie was amazing I can't wait to see it again. I'm feeling sad about not teaching Yoga but everything works out the way it does for a reason. I need to somehow get out of work next tues we'll see what happens. maybe I can work the morning shift or come in later on tues. guess it will work out the way it's supposed to. I was really missing Andrew at the movies tonight. which sucks but I need to stay focused on moving past that and into my next chapter. I'm grateful for the last 11 months and everything I've learned and become. I never thought I was capable of so much and now I know I'm limitless. everything is within reach if you put your mind to it. so I'm putting my mind to easing my mom's workload getting the duplex ready. I'm putting my mind to staying strong and focused at work. I'm putting my mind to winning those real tix. I'm putting my mind to resolution at yoga and scheduling at kb. I'm putting my mind to healing my skin and my belly. healing my mind and my soul. tomrrow I commit to lunch with Alana chilling with Mattie a movie with Ella and cleaning and packing downtown. I will workout on Thursday and pack more stuff. Friday morning I will clean up the bathroom a bit and do laundry then I will get ready for fri night and sat! sun I will finish packing and only leave out work clothes and bathroom things. please let me enjoy the next week and allow time to move slow and allow me to see everyone I need to 1 more time.

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