i think ivve fucked up

Your name is ERIDAN AMPORA and you're pretty sure EVERYTHING has gone somehow HORRIBLY WRONG.

[idealistreverse]

Razbliuto

— caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC] at ??-?? —

— cuttlefishCuller [CC] is an idle troll! —

CA: fef its me

CA: i mean obvviously its fuckin me

CA: i hope youre out there somewwhere like i guess evveryone else is an i mean i really fuckin hope youre okay

CA: an happy

CA: are you wwith sol you probably fuckin are i mean

CA: i dont knoww wwhat i fuckin mean fef god damn he wwould fuckin keep you safe so maybe im hopin you are wwith him i dont knoww i don’t knoww

CA: im just so fuckin sorry an i didnt mean it fef i really didnt i fuckin swwear i nevver wwanted to hurt you i wwas just so mad an alone an all i fuckin wwanted

CA: all i fuckin wwanted wwasnt fuckin wworth it an its all my fault i fucked up so fuckin hard 

CA: fuckin betrayin you wwhen youre the only one wwhos evver fuckin meant fuckin anythin

CA: i hope youre not fuckin out there because this wworld is like fuckin hell its full a shit

CA: you deservve better than wwhatevver the fuck alternia has turned into

CA: im goin fuckin crazy fef i shouldnt evven be talkin to you im just goin to fuckin go

— caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC] —

[convivialcasualty-deactivated20]

— cuttlefishCuller [CC] is no longer an idle troll! —

— cuttlefishCuller [CC] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] —

— cuttlefishCuller [CC] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] —

[idealistreverse]

When Eridan does see the flashing window, his heart almost stops. It's Feferi, it's Feferi, it's Feferi. He can't even look at it for a few minutes, fighting off a sick dizzy feeling that might be triumph or elation except that it makes him want to throw up, too. Because it's Feferi, but Eridan killed her and holy fuckin shit what is she going to say?

But he can't actually keep himself from looking, and he isn't any less sick or excited or worried when it's a blank window, just her opening a conversation and then closing it. But she's alive again and she opened a conversation and Eridan doesn't want to let that get away.

— caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC] —

CA:  fef?

[milesofragesnake-deactivated201]

==> Karkat: Message Eridan.

[milesofragesnake-deactivated201]

Karkat rubbed his palms into his eyes again, snarling out several choice expletives beneath his breath. Rummaging noises drifted into the common block from down the hall, which meant someone was waking up (in the daytime, who the hell was awake in the daytime), and quite frankly Karkat did not have time for that right now. Kanaya’s window was flashing, the sole bright spot in his otherwise rapidly darkening existence, and dear god he was tired. He was tired, he needed to sleep, he needed Eridan to stop complaining and bringing up old grudges right now when what he really needed was to get here, and he could bitch all he wanted once he was. 

It wasn’t like he didn’t care about the guy. He just… forgiving a murderer wasn’t all that easy. Sure, he was willing to at least try, maybe. They’d been friends before, and right now they had way, way bigger problems. Eridan was offering to help, anyway; that was definitely a big change, a positive one, and even if he wasn’t sure about the intentions Karkat appreciated the effort. He pushed himself up with another low curse and a long-suffering sigh. Fine. Alright. This’d be fine. No going back on it now. Karkat snatched up his handheld, tapping out a quick response with his thumb. 

Read More

[idealistreverse]

CA: yeah right busy real fuckin busy CA: is busy wwhat wwere callin in noww i missed the fuckin memo on that

Eridan scowls at his computer screen while he waits for Karkat to get back. He will have to bring some shit along with him, it seems. What a fucking bother, and not even a thank you for asking or anything.  Not that Eridan really expected any gratitude: he never got any before the game, so it seemed just as unlikely that he’d get any now. It’s partially self serving anyway, he’s just doing them the favor of confirming that he’s going to share with them. The worthless thankless assholes.

Except that of course Eridan doesn’t mean that, especially not about Karkat.

He reaches for the middle drawer of his desk, and opens it to revel a great deal of blank modus cards. He never added them to his sylladex because it slowed down the fucking grab time if you have too many cards and that seemed like a severe disadvantage during gameplay. But now he adds them all, with the understanding that Karkat is going to look not because he’s unsure of what they need, but probably because they need so much he can’t remember it all.

The list starts to come in, and it’s all depressingly general. Eridan writes it down anyway, though, so that he won’t have to keep his computer on while he goes to get everything.

CA: alright alright ivve fuckin got it CA: food wwe can fuckin keep an shit to clean up your fuckin landdwweller oinkbeaststy CA: an medical supplies wwell i knoww i havve those CA: im just going to take evverythin wwe might need wwith me on the wwhole medical side a things im sure even if no one needs it noww someone wwill fuckin need it later CA: but about the fuckin wweapons

The weapons. Eridan casts a glance to the corner. His cape is piled and shoved into a little ball, the wands in splinters around it, and the strife specibi card is snapped in half on top. They were powerful weapons, but Eridan  couldn’t’ stand to even look at them after what they did to Feferi. After what he did to her using them. They’re evil, bad news, and the power and solace they promised in heated whispers was fakey fakey fake hoofbeast shit that Eridan totally didn’t want for the price he fucking paid.

Maybe the wands would increase his chances of getting to Karkat and everyone else in one piece, but that doesn’t matter. No regrets about the wand, except for ever using it in the first place.

CA: i only havve the fuckin crosshairs noww CA: i mean an some other guns but CA: im not evven equipped wwith the wand kind strife specibus just thought you should fuckin knoww its goddamn gone CA: fefs CA: wwell a course shes fuckin alivve CA: im not sure about fuckin teamin up wwith her but wwhatevver im sure i wwill make it to you pretty fuckin okay CA:  savve your wworryin for the chumps wwho actually need it CA: goddamn CA: see you later -- caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] –

Feferi. After he ends the conversation, Eridan stares at his computer for a long time, instead of just getting up to get everything together like he thought he would. Just staring, because Feferi is alive – killing her didn’t stick – and assuming they both get to the hive Karkat is camped out at alright, Eridan will even see her again. Soon, maybe.

Feferi.

It takes Eridan awhile to notice the new flashing window on Trollian. 

[milesofragesnake-deactivated201]

==> Karkat: Message Eridan.

[milesofragesnake-deactivated201]

Karkat slid himself off of the couch very carefully, landing with a muffled thud and a few muttered obscenities. Eridan was going to be enough of a handful without all the blood rushing to his head, he figured, and just to make everything a thousand times more fucking wonderful, the agitation leftover from his thoroughly failed conversation with Terezi was hot in his bloodpusher and threatening to overwhelm him. It was ridiculously tempting to let that out on Eridan, because he was a prime target for that kind of thing with his relentless bitching and utter lack of social graces, and for a minute or two Karkat was even considering letting out that molten shitstream of fury onto him because he fucking deserved it.

But his heart went a little funny and some horrendously stupid part of him thought maybe he means it, and that was enough to stay his hand. In fact, that was enough to get him to use that hand to rub his face instead, over the bruises and the sleepless bags underneath his eyes, and just groan with frustration instead.

CG: IF BY ‘LIKE THAT’ YOU MEAN WAY PAST THE BOUNDS OF KIND OF WEIRD VALLEY AND STRAIGHT UP WHAT THE FUCK CREEK WITHOUT EVEN HALF OF A PADDLE, THEN YES, THAT’S PRETTY MUCH EXACTLY WHAT EVERYTHING IS LIKE AND I’M NOT SURPRISED THE OCEAN IS, TOO.

CG: BUT CALM DOWN A SEC, OK?

CG: I CAN’T REALLY BLAME YOU FOR NOT BEING SURE IF YOU’RE SANE RIGHT NOW, I DON’T REALLY THINK ANYONE IS

CG: BUT YOU’RE COHERENT AND SO FAR AS I CAN TELL YOU AREN’T TALKING TO YOURSELF OR LOOKING TO MURDER ANYONE AND THAT IS A SERIOUS STEP UP FROM WHAT I’M USED TO THESE DAYS.

CG: WE CAN TALK ABOUT WHAT WENT DOWN IN THE VEIL LATER, ALRIGHT?

CG: THIS IS NOT ME LETTING YOU OFF THE HOOK, DON’T GET THE WRONG IDEA. YOU ARE STILL FIRMLY LATCHED BY THE BACK OF YOUR STUPID SCARF TO THAT HOOK.

CG: BUT JUST… LATER, IT ISN’T AS IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW.

CG: AND I BELIEVE YOU

CG: THAT YOU AREN’T SPEWING OVERLY THEATRICAL WORDVOMIT, I MEAN.

CG: SO I’M GOING TO SEND YOU SOME COORDINATES AND YOU’RE GOING TO USE THEM AND GET YOUR SORRY CARCASS HERE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. IT ISN’T THAT BIG OF A PLANET, IT SHOULDN’T TAKE YOU TOO LONG.

He paused. Sollux wouldn’t appreciate having that guy in his hive, not even a little. But then… where else were they going to go that he would be welcome? Karkat couldn’t just say ‘oh, sorry, asshole, but my friends don’t like you’ and leave Eridan to die out there. And he would die. Eating glitchbeast meat was vile as it was, but he somehow doubted that even Eridan’s wands would cut through them quite as easily as he would expect, and then he’d either starve or die trying to feed himself. Bad ways to go, really.

CG: JUST BE CAREFUL. THE GLITCHBEASTS ARE ALMOST ALWAYS HUNGRY AND THOSE FUCKERS ARE NASTY.

CG: VRISKA’S THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN EVEN TAKE ONE DOWN ALONE

CG: TRY TO GROUP UP WITH ANYONE WHO MIGHT BE NEAR YOU BEFORE YOU HEAD OUT HERE.

Who would be near him, though? Feferi? Maybe Terezi, if her hive had gotten moved around like his had?  Neither of them would be willing to work with Eridan, he’d be willing to put a thousand Imperial beetles on it. Karkat rubbed his palm into one of his eyes again. Fuck. No use obsessing over it, though. 

— carcinoGeneticist [CG] transferred file TAKE THESE FRONDGOBBLER.~ath to caligulasAquarium [CA] —

CG: THERE. THOSE SHOULD GET YOU HERE.

CG: MOVE AS EARLY IN THE NIGHT AS YOU CAN AND

CG: JUST BE CAREFUL.

CG: YOU’LL BE ABLE TO HEAR THEM COMING.

[idealistreverse]

If Eridan weren’t so fucking terrified of spending the rest of his life, long or short, totally alone, he’d tell Karkat to forget about meeting up at all. As it is, no one is going to welcome him with open arms, not even Karkat, and there’s no use in hoping for anything else. In fact Eridan hopes that Karkat neglects to mention to anyone that Eridan is on his way.  He can easily imagine, half way there, getting trolled by Karkat: HEY THE OTHER HALFWITS SAID THEY’D JUST DRAW AND QUARTER YOU IF YOU SHOW UP, SO JUST GO BACK HOME AND HOPE YOU DON’T GET FUCKING EATEN. Eridan would still show up, of course, because dead is better than alone and he’s not willing to let them get away with escaping and leaving him here to kill himself if he can help it, but ideally Eridan – Eridan wants to get out with them.

He wants to see the ocean again, the proper ocean, and then never talk to anyone he played the games with ever again maybe, since that might cut down on the gnawing, grinding guilt. Guilt that sits in his stomach like acid, tearing away at him over and over, especially because as he glances up from the computer to distract himself from the bleakness of meeting up with anyone, even Karkat, his own voice starts ringing in his ears again and he catches a glimpse of lusus-white and he has to stare at the screen really fucking intently so that he doesn’t get caught up in the wavy posh lecture he knows he’s about to rehear.

Getting distracted during this conversation with Karkat would be a huge fucking mistake, anyway. He needs to get his information and leave before Karkat changes his mind or before he gets caught up in reliving everything he’s ever done in his hive. Maybe the sooner he leaves the sooner this will go away, because wherever Karkat and company are holed up, it couldn’t possibly be so goddamn fraught with memories as Eridan’s hive is. Still, though, given the bitchfest that’s probably going to be thrown when Eridan shows up, it’s a little ridiculous for Karkat to suggest he meet up with someone. ‘Ridiculous’ here being read as ‘totally fuckin bullshit drivel’.

  CA: ok kar im just goin to come right out an call you on obvviously bein too much of a goddamn optimist

CA: somethin wwhich let me make this clear i nevver thought i wwould actually be fuckin sayin about you but

CA: please take a fuckin moment to consider that no one wwould fuckin team up wwith me wwhen wwe wwere playin sgrub not a single goddamn fuckin person

CA: not evven fuckin you

CA: so im just goin to go out on a fuckin limb here an guess that no one else wwill evven wwant to fuckin talk to me

CA: let alone fuckin team up like some kind a feelgood fuckin wriggler special wwhere wwe all learn howw to get along in the end

CA: i mean yeah thats a touchin fuckin picture to paint i wwould wwhat provve my wworth wwith some kind a dramatic sacrifice an then evverythin wwould be great in the end yeah im sure that wwould make big fuckin money in the theaters

CA: but back in fuckin reality im goin to be makin this trip goddamn alone an wwe both knoww it so howw about wwe dont beat around the fuckin bush like wwere honestly lookin to spare my fuckin feelings

CA: i promise not to fuckin burst into tears like a grub an sob all ovver you demandin wwhy theyre bein so mean to me

CA:  ill get movvin as soon as fuckin possible

CA: but im not goin to evven bother lookin for someone to join up wwith

Eridan almost leaves then, mouse hovering over the X to close the conversation, but it occurs to him that with how large his hive is, and with everything still being intact, there might be another way he could possibly be helpful. Before the game Eridan never would have thought to ask, and if he had thought to do so wouldn’t have offered because it will be a huge fucking bother, if he offers to bring stuff along and then actually has to lug something all the way to bumfuck nowhere or what have you. But any way he can be useful ups his chances of survival.

CA: before i leave kar are you guys missin anythin wwhere you are that i should try an take wwith me if i havve it at my hivve

CA: since i assume im not fuckin goin to be comin back here on a goddamn wwhim after i get to you

CA: in fact let me just fuckin throw out that i wwont be fuckin comin back here evven if you do fuckin need somethin because its creepy an cold an im really startin to hate my hive wwhich i didn’t evven think wwas possible but there wwe fuckin are

And besides, if he’s going to be living with them how annoying would it be to get there and then be told that they need something that he could have just brought with him? Eridan never wants to return to his hive, at least not while he’s still seeing things. His lusus is gone and all of his spoils from FLARPing don’t mean fucking anything, and if Eridan has his way the first place he’ll go when they get out of this glitch shithole is a place he’s never been with no one who’s ever met him where he can sit around not thinking about what a terrible fucking friend he is.

So if he offers to bring shit now and then they need more things from his hive later, well, Eridan is just going to make them send someone else, and that troll can trash his hive as much as they want and no shits will be given. The last few weeks here have sucked shame orbs.

[milesofragesnake-deactivated201]

==> Karkat: Message Eridan.

[milesofragesnake-deactivated201]

Karkat found himself very grateful that Sollux and Equius never left their rooms as he dangled awkwardly from the couch, not quite on the floor but definitely no longer on it. Sitting back up wasn’t really an option anymore, but falling the rest of the way (since the couch had already done him the kind favor of ejecting him) would make a loud enough noise that someone would come looking. And of all the stupid things he’d managed to pass off as ‘on purpose,’ not even a freshly-hatched wriggler would believe that a nubby-horned troll lying on the floor beside the couch with one of his legs still half-hooked on one of the cushions, propped on his elbows for fear of his face smashing into the ground with an utter lack of grace and a handheld clutched desperately in his fingers, was the picture of fucking leadership.

So he just ground his teeth together instead, and that was satisfying in a completely impotent kind of way that would get him absolutely nowhere. This was not helping his already thoroughly soured mood, not one bit, and not a single fucking word from Eridan’s chat window was doing him much good either. Still, it was… a comfort, he guessed, to be irritated by something like Eridan being stupid, instead of by glitchbeasts trying to break down the walls or Terezi vanishing again.

He wished Eridan was a little less disgustingly pathetic about the whole thing, because it just made him not want to hurt him too badly and that had not been his intention.

CG: FIRST, YOU ACTUALLY SHOWED UP IN ONE PIECE??

CG: THAT MAKES A WHOPPING MIRACULOUS ONE OUT OF TWELVE I GUESS

CG: SIGN ME UP FOR GAMZEE’S SHITTY CLOWN RELIGION, YOU’VE JUST MADE A BELIEVER OUT OF ME.

CG: EXCEPT DON’T BECAUSE THEY’RE COMPLETELY OUT OF THEIR NOODLE-FRONDED THINKPANS.

CG: SECOND, NO, STOP THAT OVERSENSITIVITY THING, THAT’S A REPUGNANT QUALITY AND NOW I JUST WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE JAW. WHAT DO YOU MEAN “YOU’VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT,” THAT IS MORBID AS FUCK.

CG: I’M NOT ACTUALLY GOING TO STRANGLE YOU, I CONSIDERED IT BUT IT WOULD BE IN CONFLICT WITH THE ENDEAVOR TO KEEP EVERYONE ALIVE RIGHT NOW, WHICH IS BY THE WAY NOT GOING AS WELL AS WE’D HOPED

CG: SO JUST QUIT DRIBBLING OUT OF YOUR SEEDFLAP AND LISTEN TO ME FOR ONCE IN YOUR MISERABLE LIFE.

Yeah, alright. He’d kind of missed the guy. The Eridan before he went batshit up the fucking belfry was… he was still a whiny douchebag, sure, but Karkat could understand why. His quadrants were screwed up. There was a moment or two of silence where he considered asking if he was still insane, but he clearly wasn’t; he also considered saying I thought you loved her but that conversation could wait, and bringing up Sollux would be an absolute wreck no matter how much he wanted to take a couple jabs at that scarf-necked douchebag just for his sake. 

CG: I’M NOT GOING TO SAY I’M NOT STILL RIDICULOUSLY PISSED AT YOU BUT THERE’S WAY MORE IMPORTANT SHIT TO DEAL WITH RIGHT NOW

CG: SO I’M GOING TO PRETEND THAT YOUR SELF-PITYING BULLSHIT IS THE EQUIVALENT OF A HEARTFELT APOLOGY AND MOVE ON FOR NOW.

CG: SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN DOING IF YOU’VE ACTUALLY BEEN AROUND FOR A WHILE? HAS IT NOT OCCURRED TO YOU TO GET OFF OF YOUR BONY HIPSTER ASS AND TRY TO CONTACT US???

CG: AND HEY WHILE WE’RE AT IT

CG: DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?

[idealistreverse]

It's incredibly hard not to latch on to Karkat's accusations of oversensitivity and being morbid. Eridan wants to pick a fight about it, or maybe just explain that he's being serious when he says he thought about it - that he's not trying to be dramatic, or crying for attention or something - but this isn't the right time or the right place. Karkat will either yell at him for being stupid, or tell him he should have done it, and Eridan doesn't want either. 

Every word Eridan types feels daring, brave, mostly because he never thought anyone would ever speak to him again. It's honestly great to know that Karkat isn't really planning on killing him - but it makes shit way more complicated. Karkat is still invested in keeping everyone alive, and that apparently includes Eridan. In an attempt to maybe stay on this list, and prove he's not a sack of shit, Eridan will have to be cooperative, which unfortunately probably means not leaving anything Karkat might need to know out of this conversation.

CA: im at my fuckin hive wwhere the fuck else wwould i be

CA: an wwhen i say all in one piece i guess i mean physically i mean im not missin my fuckin arms or anythin dont havve to type to you wwith my elbowws or some shit

CA: but im not sure im totally fuckin ok alright an thats wwhat ivve been busy wwith its sort a real fuckin distractin

CA: i wwas sorta figurin the rest a you hadnt fucked up badly enough to get fuckin dumped here an i wwas alone

CA: an if you wwere around i wwas pretty fuckin sure you wwouldnt wwant to fuckin hear from me so yeah it took me awwhile to get on my fuckin computer ok an i wwasnt expectin you to evven fuckin hint at me joinin up wwith you

CA: wwhich i am totally dowwn wwith by the wway but

CA: i think i might be goin real fuckin crazy ovver here wwhich is a little fuckin wworryin you knoww thats a wwhole fuckin ocean a wworry right there

CA: an speakin a the ocean just as an aside its fucked up havve you seen it god damn is evverythin like that evverywwhere

Eridan wishes that this could be the time for a heartfelt apology to Karkat. It had really seemed like no one else would ever give a shit about Eridan's well-being again, and just because Karkat is really only doing it on principle doesn't really cheapen what it means to Eridan to have someone care what kind of shape he's in. Karkat was probably the only one who was ever going to give a shit again, and was frankly the only one left who really gave a shit before, and really deserved better than to have witnessed what he did. 

Leaving Feferi the words that he had had left Eridan feeling wrung out, though, and Eridan doesn't even know what to say to Karkat anyway. 'sorry i wwent fuckin crazy' would be a pile of bullshit, especially when Eridan is maybe still crazy anyway, and 'i didnt fuckin mean to hurt anyone' would be a lie, and a shitty one too, because Eridan still wants to rip Sollux's face off, a little. 

And as for 'i lovved her' -- that wasn't an excuse or an apology or even really an explanation. It was just true, and sad, and wrong.

There's no time to rehash what happened. If Karkat is willing to take Eridan saying he'd considered strangling himself as an apology - good. Eridan wishes he could make Karkat understand how serious that is, but Eridan doesn't have the words to describe how empty and lethargic and excruciating those first few days were, not without sounding hyperbolic. There was no way to be taken seriously about it, and Eridan would rather Karkat think he's not sorry enough to just spit out the right words than to try, use the wrong words, and face more accusations of melodrama. Eridan feels too shitty to face any more of that, it's too much an accusation of insincerity.

CA: anywway at my hivve on my island wwent through all a my fuckin books an im not sure wwhats actually gone wwrong wwith me still so thats wwhy i got online 

CA: but its not crazy like i wwas before 

[idealistreverse]

Razbliuto

-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC] at ??-?? --

-- cuttlefishCuller [CC] is an idle troll! --

CA: fef its me

CA: i mean obvviously its fuckin me

CA: i hope youre out there somewwhere like i guess evveryone else is an i mean i really fuckin hope youre okay

CA: an happy

CA: are you wwith sol you probably fuckin are i mean

CA: i dont knoww wwhat i fuckin mean fef god damn he wwould fuckin keep you safe so maybe im hopin you are wwith him i dont knoww i don't knoww

CA: im just so fuckin sorry an i didnt mean it fef i really didnt i fuckin swwear i nevver wwanted to hurt you i wwas just so mad an alone an all i fuckin wwanted

CA: all i fuckin wwanted wwasnt fuckin wworth it an its all my fault i fucked up so fuckin hard 

CA: fuckin betrayin you wwhen youre the only one wwhos evver fuckin meant fuckin anythin

CA: i hope youre not fuckin out there because this wworld is like fuckin hell its full a shit

CA: you deservve better than wwhatevver the fuck alternia has turned into

CA: im goin fuckin crazy fef i shouldnt evven be talkin to you im just goin to fuckin go

-- caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC] --

[milesofragesnake-deactivated201]

==> Karkat: Message Eridan.

And then it’s back to the waiting game. Terezi isn’t the most punctual girl he’d ever known in his life - in fact, she had a complete disregard for other people’s schedules, lives, or otherwise well-being, unless it served her or her justice fetish in some way shape or form. It was horrendously frustrating, though, especially when it left him with nothing to do except wallow in his failure and try to work out exactly how to tell her what she’d forgotten.

She’d forgotten a lot of things that he wasn’t looking forward to telling her again.

But for now he just had to get her to him, to this shitty excuse for a hive that wasn’t even big enough for two of them let alone the six that Terezi would make. So he would monitor his awful excuse for a handheld’s screen if he had to. He would watch Trollian like a majestic motherfucking bird, waiting to swoop in for the proverbial kill, where kill meant chat windows flashing. He had been for the last ten minutes, and he’d do it for at least another hour if that was what was necessary.

Which was good, because it meant when caligulasAquarium is no longer an idle chum showed in the lower right corner of his screen, he was properly able to flip his shit. The couch, he was absolutely certain, had literally expelled him from it in his shock and confusing mess of rage and concern. He supposed those feelings were pretty much a constant thing right now anyway, but holy fuck, how was he supposed to react to this? Eridan had killed Feferi. He’d tried to kill Sollux, too, Karkat saw it. It had literally been right in front of him and he remembered it sometimes when he slept, and that was one of the worse dreams. He would have called them friends once, too.

He wasn’t sure why he was opening a window to talk to him, but so he was.

— carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] —

CG: DUDE WHAT THE FUCK WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN

CG: PUTTING ASIDE THE FACT THAT I STILL KIND OF WANT TO TAKE YOUR SHITTY SCARF AND STRANGLE YOU WITH IT

CG: I GUESS FIRST AND FOREMOST, I SHOULD BE ASKING IF YOU’RE OK

CG: I MEAN DO YOU HAVE ALL OF YOUR LIMBS ATTACHED, AND ARE YOU MISSING ANYTHING YOU’RE POSITIVE WAS THERE BEFORE YOU

CG: YOU KNOW

CG: WE’VE HAD SOME STONE COLD FUCKING RIDICULOUS PROBLEMS WITH PEOPLE MISSING THINGS.

CG: WELL MOSTLY IT WAS JUST SOLLUX AND HIS EYES BUT WHATEVER THAT ISN’T THE POINT

CG: HAVE YOU JUST BEEN MASSAGING YOUR BULGE TO THE FECULENT SOUNDS OF YOUR OWN SELF-PITY THIS WHOLE TIME? OR DID YOU JUST NOW RESPAWN 

CG: BECAUSE IF YOU’VE SERIOUSLY JUST BEEN SITTING AROUND LIKE A USELESS GRUB, I SWEAR TO GOD AS SOON AS YOU SHOW UP I AM GOING TO BEAT THE TAINTCHAFING SHIT OUT OF YOU.

[idealistreverse]

The fact that Feferi isn't online consumes Eridan's attention. He does spare a thought for the others, enough to feel downtrodden but not surprised that they're all out there, somewhere, and no one had come to check on him or left him any messages while he was offline. cuttlefishCuller sits in the center of Eridan's mind, and he's left her a dozen messages before he can't take staring at the space where her responses should be anymore and has to close the window.

Being trolled scares the shit out of Eridan. He's been focused on Feferi and her being offline and how fucking shitty he feels, so everything else sort of fades into the background. The tone that his computer sounds when Karkat's text pops up almost makes him fall off of his chair.

Still, Karkat's gray text is almost actually a welcome sight. Better than Vriska, or Sollux. Not as good as Feferi, but Eridan has missed Karkat - Karkat always knows what to do, and it's a good sign that Karkat is willing to speak to him. Even if what he has to say is less than totally encouraging. At least he's somewhat concerned over the state of Eridan's limbs. That actually makes Eridan kind of happy to know. Also knowing that something about Sollux's eyes is fucked up is pleasing, too, but Eridan doesn't intend on mentioning that.

CA: yeah thanks for your touchin god damn concern kar im tearin up ovver here from your tender fuckin words

CA: all a my limbs are just fuckin fine evverythin is attached just fuckin perfectly 

CA: i havvent been bein fuckin useless an also fuck you i havve been around for awwhile not that its any a your god damn business wwhere i havve been but for your fuckin information ivve spent my time real goddamn usefully an you can suck my free hangin shame orbs if you wwant to argue about it more

Maybe the worst part about Karkat's vitriol is how right he is. Eridan wants to just let it pass, and never think about how angry Karkat is with him and how angry everyone else will be. He's been pretending that the game was a bad dream - or at least the end of it was - but if it was, it was obviously real enough for Karkat to remember to. That must, after all, be what Karkat is referring too when he says he wants to strangle Eridan. Frankly, Eridan wasn't sure why Karkat was talking about him showing up. No one was going to invite him.

The truth is, no matter how much Eridan wants to avoid the topic, he can't actually let Karkat saying he'd like to strangle him go by without comment. It makes him feel incredibly shitty, just thinking about it, because he misses Karkat almost as much as he misses Feferi, but he has to say something about it.

CA: also ivve thought about it an im pretty sure my scarf wwouldnt be substantial enough to actually fuckin strangle me wwith i mean not if you wwere actually aimin to do more than annoy me an fuck up the fine knittin that wwent into it

CA: but wwe could find some fuckin rope or somethin if youre god damn set on stranglin me

CA: you should ask ter about it shes good at that noose shit right

[idealistreverse]

Eridan: Log on to Trollian

The computer taunts Eridan.

It is perfectly fine, seemingly untouched from the gameplay. It sits on Eridan’s desk, humming quietly like it’s trying to entice him. Just logging on once wouldn’t be too bad, Eridan thinks to himself, but he doesn’t approach the computer. He’s huddled against one of his bookcases, surrounded by reading material. Most of the books he has read are historical texts, sometimes even legitimate primary texts, like journals. There are a handful of classic romantic tales: Rommeo and Juleet, Pity and Prejudice, that sort of thing. The romances and the histories are left on the shelves, because they won’t have the answers that he needs.

 The books that surround him are volumes of text he never thought he would read, that he purchased just because they look cool and old and stately. Eridan is looking for information. Eridan thinks he is probably (maybe) (mostly likely) going crazy, because he is seeing things.

Like if he suddenly wants his lusus, really, really bad, there would be a flicker in the corner of his eye, a flash of white. And a sound, too, like something metal being dragged across concrete or the scrape of cutlery on a plate. An awful sound that would smoothly, with no perceivable transition, become the braying of his lusus, comforting and familiar. Eridan always forgets himself, finding himself scowling at his lusus, who should be dead, shouting, “No, that’s fuckin’ ridiculous! A course I’m goin’ to fuckin’ be wwith Fef forevver, wwhy’re you doubtin’ me? I don’t get any fuckin’ credit around here not god damn evver an you fuckin’ raised me, don’t you think you did a good fuckin’ job? Wwhat the hell does ‘don’t count your turtles before they reach the ocean’ evven fuckin mean? Me an Fef are made for each other! Wwe’re nevver goin’ to be apart, I’ll fuckin’ make sure a it!”

It’s an old argument with his lusus, from the morning after Feferi and Eridan confessed pale feelings for each other and became moirails. The scene has this sickening undertone of bitter disappointment to it – Eridan can never decide if he’s watching the scene happen or if he’s acting it out. On one hand he couldn’t possibly say anything but what he has said before, and he can’t second guess that his lusus is in front of him. On the other hand, he also knows that Feferi is dead, that his lusus is dead, and Feferi broke up with him. That’s out of order – it’s always jumbled when he’s in the middle of seeing things – but that’s not the fucking point. The point is that it’s true at the same time, when he’s shouting at his lusus, that his lusus is both alive and dead. Simultaneously, Feferi is both his forever and gone.

Eridan is looking for information, but he hasn’t found it. He’s been through every book on his shelves that might possibly tell him why this keeps happening. The scene with the lusus isn’t the fucking only one or  the worst one, and Eridan still doesn’t have any answers. So his computer taunts him. Someone could be online, able to answer his questions. On the other hand, he hasn’t seen anyone except himself since he got here. There are at least two ways that signing on could fuck him over: 

No one is online. No one else is even alive and Eridan is going to be alone and crazy here forever in some kind of hallowed out parody of Alternia. He killed Fef and he’s being punished and no one else was awful enough to get stuck here with him.

Everyone is online and they all still have their memories of the game, like Eridan does. Feferi is out there somewhere and Sollux and Karkat and no one has come looking for him because they all know what he did and none of them want to speak to him anymore and Eridan is going to be alone and crazy here forever.

Regrettably the third option is to stay here anyway and never find out either way and still be alone and crazy forever. Probably crazy, anyway. Most likely. So Eridan unfolds himself from the floor, stiffly, and approaches the computer. He wiggles the mouse, mashes the keys, waking it up with trepidation. There isn’t even any way to prepare for the worst here. Eridan can’t even begin to decide which scenario would actually be the worst… he just knows that his curiosity is killing him, and that he has to know either way.

The computer lights up, Trollian begins writing, and Eridan logs in.