:):

24 F

[idealspawn]

i dont want to have a body

[idealspawn]

there is this certain entitlement that men are socialized to have that i envy so much. this entitlement, its beautiful in a sense but it turns sour the moment it is exclusive to men. up until now i had been blessed with knowing bad men only to the same extent that there is bad in women. i wasnt able to relate to feminist literature, although i have always been a feminist. neither did i understand my friends who kept talking about this certain condescending behaviour that only men have. like that 'man is fact', if you know what i mean. when i was in london i went to the regent's park. i saw these young boys playing football, probably around 10 years old. i just stood there and started crying as i watched them. its this grief that i wasnt socialized like a boy. its not about being a boy but about the socio-cultural aspect of it. individually i actually feel that in my family i was sort of raised like a boy. that caused other problems with my femininity but that is beside the point. what i am trying to get at is that it doesnt matter how my family taught me to be if the collective world still is unlike it. in the greater scheme i still dont have the same freedom. the social fact is man. when i was watching those boys play there was just something about the way they moved and yelled so freely. how even as a 10 year old boy they just somehow had the confidence to take up room in the world and feel the entitlement to put their foot down. with my boyfriend now i suddenly see in him everything that all this feminist literature and my friends have been talking about. i remember my friend telling me how almost all men assume she is wrong or doesnt know things. i truly had not ever felt that up until i met my boyfriend. for me in the immediate life i lived girls were always the smart ones and ive felt nothing but deep respect for it, especially coming from guys. it was refreshing at first for someone to challenge me a bit - not taking everything i say for granted. but slowly i realized that it wasnt what i thought it was. his core base-level belief about me was that i dont know anything. mind you im older than him and been in university for 5 years, always been a stellar student. there could not be any real reason for him to think about me in this way. its hard to explain why i think it is a man-thing not just a him-thing. but it is a certain feeling that when i try to reason with it in any way i keep thinking 'my brain feels broken', just like a crashed computer programme. like just a completely different world that i dont and cant ever have access to. its also ties to this specific sense in which my needs overall just de facto matter less. as if it wasnt even a question that my way of organizing my life and values are universally less important. that the man is a fact and its just always the woman that has to do the work to be heard. but men are always heard. the difference isnt about the content but the form. to take an easy example its not that in a relationship the woman just always wants to be closer and the guy more avoidant. for me it is the other way around. but still i need to work harder to make myself heard because the way he organizes his life is fact. im barely worth considering. he doesnt even take the time to ask questions about why i value something. what i pay attention to is wrong and what he does is right, universally. when he asks about my day he never asks what was something that moved me to figure out what is important to me. he only asks about the things he finds important. thus even in conversation all my experiences are organized by his values. could be just him however this is the first time i relate to all the other women in my life who have talked about this same exact experience.

[idealspawn]

i keep forgetting the gentleness of being and the grace of life. i keep avoiding grief by either holding onto false hope and expectations that dont fit with the reality or by convincing myself and lying to myself that i never even wanted or need or consider important the lost thing. i surpress my true needs with just new and new guys that keep suffocating me and drifting me away from the life i want to live - a graceful and a meaningful one. i have taken a break from my boyfriend to work on my bachelor's thesis and also due to catching glimpses of sincerity and gentleness in others that made me reconsider my life with him. moments that reminded me of who i actually am and how i actually yearn to live my life - gracefully and hopefully with optimism and care. there are so many moments that have passed me by and time i have wasted without noticing so many meaningful moments in life to honour due to being with him. my head has been filled with silence and peace and only moments of warmth and humanness. moments you cant put a finger on. moments ive felt taken care of and seen. moments ive felt like i am under the wing of some protective mentors that also pay attention to the same things i do. but also moments where i feel so competent and independent and thus confident. my boyfriend just kept making cracks in my self-esteem for no reason and i did not notice how bad it was before. i forgot how beautiful life can be and that there are people like me out there. there is grace and the world is not against me like my dad always wrongly teaches me. well not perhaps wrongly - in a wrong scope. in business world, surely. but not elsewhere. ive seen it and ive felt it. i have started keeping a written diary of sentiments after a long time. its a sentiment diary. and i feel alive again. and my bachelors thesis is going.. well.. somewhere. i am slowly learning to ask for help yet be capable on my own. i feel like i am growing and it is such a nice warm feeling like sun on your face. it is like a feeling that you just think ''i need to follow this, whatever this is''. walking in the only patch of sun.

[idealspawn]

i feel like my fucked up attachment style ruins my life. ive tried so hard to overcome it but i cant. i hate this so much. i caught feelings for this other guy whilst im in a relationship. im so perplexed because i hate the fact that i caught those feelings and i cant help but blame my attachment style for it. i feel like i keep trying to create my own private world in every relationship im in. to escape it. i keep finding things wrong and think everything else is better. but at the same time im so happy i caught those feelings. i havent been ever truly happy in my current relationship because i went into it accepting i wont ever have true feelings for anyone ever again after my last heartbreak. but i guess i was wrong. it still isnt as strong as last time but my heart actually beats faster and i admire the person. i feel warm. and i havent felt that in so long. but i dont think i can be in a functional relationship if i actually have feelings for someone because i already am crying and in a crisis over it. as soon as i actually like someone my attachment problems activate although ive worked so hard to be normal. i dont want to be like this. i dont want to hurt anyone either. i dont even know if these are real feelings. i wish i didnt feel like this. how would i know that this cycle wont start again with this new person again. how do i know if i should act on these feelings? i have so many other things to worry about too. my bachelor's thesis has not been going well at all.

[idealspawn]

my boyfriend was called for conscript service. he left 2 days ago. he can be on the phone for 5min a day. every second of the day i feel like killing myself. everything is falling apart. i feel unable to pick myself up. i am so lonely. i am unable to study and i am always late to my lectures and cry in lectures. i feel paralyzed to visit the church too. i dont know what to do. nothing seems to help. i want to get out of this city.

[idealspawn]

as i think im healed from my ed, im suddenly crying and abruptly hang up the phone on someone i love when they ask for details about my run : (

[idealspawn]

but please listen, so much is better too. like unimaginably better than it was even a year ago. i have so many people around me that i cherish and ive had lovely experiences and my relationship with my family is so much better. i dont have these anxiety attacks i used to or get too intense paranoia. i menstruate occasionally (tho i am deeply afraid i might be pregnant rn) and that is great because i was afraid i lost my period forever due to my ed. and i want to be a mother one day, so deeply. i feel weird about getting my period but its all in all great. ive managed to finish books which was the hardest thing for me for so long, to properly read. my skin is really really good even if i still sometimes break out then i dont even remotely have such problems w it as i used to. and feeling neutral is actually kind of nice most of the days. and even if i am in a relationship that was sour from the start from my end and now both ends, then at one point he truly showed me such patience and love that i didnt think id experience. or moreso allowed me to show vulnerability i didnt think id be able to show to anyone. i used to be so deeply insecure with my body that i thought anyone who saw me naked would break up with me right then and there. he is literally the only male that has not traumatized me s3xually. ive watched a lot of good anime and movies too that deeply touched me. im also very very brave because although yes i hurt myself with overeating, then i dont abuse alcohol or SH. ive also learned how to play the harmonica which is nice. i am so much more understanding and patient with people. also finding christianity for myself and devoting to it has helped me feel seen in insane ways (although i havent been too good of a christian lately..) i used to think my university grades would suffer due to church stuff but it only got better. all my grades i got were the highest grades this semester. and so much more. so much is actually good too. i swear. i used to think that life would end if i ate meat but i am alive. and so much more. i am alive is what is important.

[idealspawn]

im in a terrible relationship and i think it is making it worse but i have this need to prove to myself that for once someone wont fucking abandon me. the brain learns from experience. no theory will convince me of this. but im miserable. we havent seen for like a week or so because he is on a trip with his family and ive been feeling such relief. i talked to my one friend at this birthday party for like 7hours straight. isolated from everybody. that was nice, i needed it a lot. and i keep wondering if life would be different with him. i am disgusted how relationship obsessed i am. because i dont even have feelings for him like t h a t. ive just always kind of liked him. like a microcrush. but he is not the guy i ''dated'' last spring-summer with whom we started talking again and became friends this fall but he got his first girlfriend in december-ish and i fell depressed. then we got more distant. only saw occasionally in lectures. now he graduated and i wont be seeing him around university. the city is emptier without him and i am worried there is noone left to remind me how life could look like for me. remind me of me. i texted him a few days ago asking to catch up. he has not answered. he said prior that he is working a lot and i feel so pathetic that i have fallen behind him. i should be thinking of my bachelor's paper or internship too. i feel like a human child and i hate myself for it. but i long to be seen and loved and to laugh again. and it has taken me over. ive been reading a lot and that way i feel seen but it does not do it. i think maybe i want to be in my horrible relationship in a way to not fall behind this guy. like in growth as a human. maturing. ive lost many years due to changing universities and mental illness and i sort of feel like he is the only tangible way i still have access to how a normal life trajectory should look like at my age because he is my age. and he is normal. and he is a lot like me. different and better but a lot like me. this is kind of fucked up.

[idealspawn]

come to think of it, i dont think i remember when i last laughed from the bottom of my heart. ok that is a lie. i do but these are these extremely short-lived moments. i dont remember when i last had laughter systematically incorporated into my daily life. i wonder whether it is something i can change or its just that i fucked my brain up with w33d when i was younger (havent smoked it in like 2 years now) and that it is something that is determined for me now. i actually have been OK and i know i used to have extremely low lows at the cost of those high highs which was not really nice either. im all in all a nicer, kinder person now. i go to church now, i got confirmed and baptized. but i feel apathy or just kind of extremely neutral feelings towards everything in my life. with occasional sad breakdowns. my best friend told me ive become so cautious all the time, like in a bad way. im reading 'la vie devant soi' by romain gary right now and they mentioned of apathy being the worst incurable curse a child could get because it leaves them behind in life, or something like that. then i also listened to this psychology video today that said that if we dont keep putting ourselves into situations that call forth deep emotions (good or bad) then our brain like .. idk stays behind, less developed, more likely to be at risk for dementia. and as a child makes for the development of lesser brain capacity. like is less adaptable. and maybe that is me. i try not to be like that and objectively i try to put myself into uncomfortable situations a lot recently but i dont think i feel it in my body. like it doesnt really do anything. i flew a plane for the first time a few months ago, once alone, once together w my bf. i went swimming alone at night in a foreign place to induce fear, to shake something in me (i cant swim). i went to a classical music festival alone in a foreign city. i hiked alone there. i had penetrative s3x for the first time. i also let a fucking college professor SA me just to feel something. all of these things i feared but after didnt really do much for me. maybe for a fleeting moment and even then it just did not matter to me. i dont think i had many emotions regarding any of that. i feel like nothing matters. everything in my life is so lowercase. and truly i remember dreaming of this once. like that i wished everything was just.. neutral and normal. that i have a n o r m a l life. but i have been compensating this lack of passion with food and i have gained weight and i havent been vegan for like 3 months now? i think. i was vegan from the start of 2021 until 2025. that is insane. and partly i think it is great that my relationship with food has healed too that i do not care as much about it anymore. but i feel like a part of it is unhealthy too. this dependence - i think healing would mean stopping thinking about food but now i still do think about it, i just dont deprive myself of it. im tired. so tired. i feel like ive let myself go. i looked at an old video of me on a call with my then best friend and i remembered how i used to always laugh with her. i want to be in control of my life and take matters into my own hands and be brave and happy and change myself and not this negative deterministic slob. i see how my friend with whom i had a thing with last year is just so healthy and happy and i keep comparing myself to him and i never compare. i feel cursed somehow. my real life name is translated into something to do with suffering. maybe that is it. ive let my world become so small and i promise im working so hard to not let it be so. but it just is. i need love. and i need hope. and i need change. i dont want to be the victim of myself :( i try not to do this kind of self-reflection often because the moment i start to think of it i become so pessimistic and my head starts to ache. i just try to constantly move. move somewhere and do something. i disgust myself. and i hate that i am saying this now too, that i disgust myself. i dont want to be that kind of a person who thinks or says that about themselves.

[idealspawn]

i also have this reoccurring fear that everyone is still in love w their ex. u know... people have lives before you. and all the new ppl u do meet.. u enter like a new narrative. and i know for sure i have zero feelings for anyone in my past. but ive been proven many times that most guys literally dont ever get over their past loves. and ive delusionally from fragments he has mentioned, figured that he isnt over his past love and that they are still in contact. and that stops me from texting him too. how the fuck do i stop these narratives in my head. these only come when we go no contact for more than like a day. more like when he goes no contact for more than a day... because its unusual for him. i sometimes reply in 24-48h but since i know that i WILL respond, it doesnt make me overthink. but when he goes silent...

[idealspawn]

i am secure for the most part but when i ACTUALLY catch feelings for someone and for someone who is irregular in their communication, my fearful-avoidant tendencies get so activated. and i dont want to be this disgusting conglomeration of my past experiences. i keep telling myself these "secure" things that he is just busy (which he is too) but it simply doesnt convince me because since his attachment style is slightly skewed, i figure maybe his actions actually do represent something i did not something he has going on. like im fine... i guess.... ive cried a lot these past 4 days because our last convo left off on a weird note and he hasnt picked up a convo since. i dont want to be this sensitive. but i really do like him as a person. well as much as i know him so far... this fucks me up even more because i know i like him for himself and his personality not anything that he can "give" me because ive already checked that list and im secure and a whole enough in that sense. i just really like him.. and i dont have many friends... so it feels bigger... i dont know... he said he didnt want to put all his cards on the table immediately but id be okay with doing that.... idk. its fucked that for so long i promised myself not to get attached to anyone with anything else than a secure attachment style but all his other sides weigh this out so much that apparently i still can get attached... i dont know if i should wait for him to text me or text him myself... what if he doesnt want to hear from me and thats why he hasnt texted me.... not bc this is some kind of a test... im alone and drunk btw :// i really dont want to get into that pattern again either.... this will only make things worse.

[idealspawn]

this is all too familiar. and ive been so sad... like sad as in i dont feel real. because this triggers some weird stuff in me again. this on and off thing. and i dont know what to do. i want to give him space but at the same time i really like talking to him but i dont want to give in and be dependent on him for my sanity. im afraid of becoming too close too fast. i am not afraid of being close but scaring him off because he is scared of closeness. like i KNOW he likes me and that this weird patterning is due to his past experiences, he has talked about it briefly. but i dont know how to approach it since we only know so little and i dont want to scare him off or barge in and become like a helicopter mom in our (for now) friendship. but i feel like i should say something. i dont really have any friends to talk abt this to either.... but then again even if i know he likes me there is this small part of me that anxiously figures maybe i said something and now he is completely filled with utter hate towards me (not true, ive had this thought many times and been proven wrong). and then im trying to prepare myself for what if this actually will lead nowhere. because i have no idea how i would get over him. because this is the first time in so long that i genuinely like someone. like so much that i deleted tinder, like so much that i rejected some other guy that was kinda nice and a girl i actually used to like.. even when i dont know for sure that this will even go anywhere.

[idealspawn]

i recently broke my like 10-11? month sobriety streak (with one exception but that doesnt count because i drank like one half glass of wine on new years due to peer pressure lol). um. i dont know how i am doing. the school year is over and ive been taking it really hard because ive lost a lot of my friends this year. Ive made quite a few new ones too but.. you know.. they arent really all that solid so i still am very much alone. i like being alone. but in the summer it gets a bit too much. i barely see anybody. during school i at least bond w ppl in seminars or talk to the professors. i met a boy too.... one that doesnt treat me like a means to an end... he came to talk to me after our lecture and we just kept talking... i had noticed him prior too... all the people ive had flings up until now have just wanted me for my body or cultural or social capital. it really fucks with me. i always at first appreciate it but then it all boils down to not my humour or personality or me as a person but something i can offer. ive been really fucked in the head bc of that recently. but about that guy.. i dont think ive actually liked someone like this since like 2020-2021(2022ish too?) when i fell in love with my best friend. but we know only a little and i think we both have some slightly weird attachment patterning... its obvious we are interested in eachother and like actually as people but our communication is like... weird on both ends. like he is slightly distrusting or just the both of us with our irregular gaps inbetween texts. and i know i am the one who started it. but in my head i just reacted to his weird behaviour but i think it was sth i made up inside my head... he pointed it out as something that is unusual to him. and now i think he is "punishing" me for it. or maybe he truly is THAT busy because that is very real too. idk.

[idealspawn]

also, yesterday i did an interview about nonreligious practices and thoughts. it is a very poorly researched field. the focus has largely been on negation, what nonreligious people dont believe but not what they do believe instead. it really opened my eyes. i love seeing patterns and analysing ideas. also my friend made me a candle fully from scratch... it smells so good:) he shaped it into a cat and it has glass marbles in it so when i burn it (i will not burn it... its too beautiful) i will get like an extra gift :DD aaah. ive just allowed playful energy into my life again too. i tend to turn too serious sometimes. i am fully sober still and i love it but sometimes i look back on the time i used to smoke weed all the time and tbh i should probably incorporate some sides of myself from that time into my reality now too, just without the smoking part.. because although i condemn it (in my personal choices), the cons outweigh the pros for me now, there is a lot i can learn about myself from that time too and that i should focus on now too. im in a good place right now. such a good place. i love creating. and i dont seem to yearn for romantic love anymore either. im open but ive had a problem with being single ever so often. life feels like bakhtin's carnival.

[idealspawn]

hey..... i must say. this has been the best week of my life. and im filled with utter joy. ive had like a.. rebirth? every once in a while i feel like im born again. the transition is really emotional but they are moreso growing pains than destructive pains. im suddenly surrounded by so many great people and possibilities and i finally feel like life is rewarding me, treating me the way i should be treated. in a way im reluctant to owe it to "faith" and see myself as a passive subject rather than an active agent in this but in a way i think i am powerless in some factors regarding this change. next month its my debut in like a culture (?) newspaper! at least they said they are very interested in my analysis but i havent heard back yet about the second version i sent them. i wrote my favourite poem ive ever written. and ive seen so many movies recently that have served as this transitional border. like as this extremely active sphere of both "death" but also birth. like metaphorically. ive been so vulnerable and i love it. ive cried my eyes out like i havent in such a long time and done like... meta analyses about my underlying beliefs to bring change and new energy into my life. you see.. i get really stuck on like.. nominal labels. at first they describe me but it tends to go unnoticed when it no longer fits or serves me and im only living a certain way just because of this nominal structure. but all these nominal structures are made for us. not that we are made to fit them. ive re-evaluated things now.. also out of nowhere people have been reaching out to me. maybe it truly does show up in my energy when im more open. like that it attracts other open, honest, vulnerable people. ive met so many new people and truly felt seen. this is a big thing for me. for the longest time ive struggled to enjoy time with people because ive struggled to find people who i share some kinds of values. i like diverse people but for example people who are open to explore communication on an emotional and relational level rather than only informational. thats important to me. ive been more confident in sharing my opinions too:) and participating in class and in life. going to places where i know id feel a bit uncomfortable and end up surprised. going to places alone is massive for me. it opens me up to new people and experiences because i simply dont have a choice to close myself off with friends im already close with. a woman came to talk to me after a lecture. she said she had been watching how i take notes in class (i write really fast.. i tend to transcribe literally everything the professor says). she said she has studied palaeography and asked to see my notes to analyse my handwriting :) she said its very unusual for people to still write in cursive if they write with the pen very much pointed upwards, however i manage to do so :D. it really made me want to also just reach out to people... like whenever and for whatever reason. and ive noticed people actually like talking to you when youre authentic and awkward. ive restricted my communication with people SO MUCH only due to the fact that i feel like i might not be insanely flawless in my self-expression. the nature too. the season is such that i see birth and death all around me. and its very refreshing. i like seeing change and being reminded of it constantly. it feels liberating. its a season that many people dislike in my country but im in love. i love people. i love physical touch. i love eye contact. i love emotions. i love ideas. i love agency in breaking boundaries. i love feeling seen and important and useful. i love authenticity and vulnerability.

[idealspawn]

throughout my journey on growing as a person somehow the only thing i still havent managed to resolve or find the deepest true cause for is my insecurity regarding my intelligence. every single evidence from outside authorities is screaming in praise and approval of my level of knowledge yet i am filled with such anxiety. i dont know how to not let my high standards lower my self-confidence. i think its good that i do have high standards too in a way but not the anxious perfectionism that comes with it. ive thought maybe im unsure about my competence because i feel like i dont belong. in university since ive had an unconventional route, i sort of lack like a group of coursemates (ive changed universities and now im in like an exchange programme so i havent had and dont have the same curriculum as anyone). so i dont know what i should know and what i shouldnt. like what prior knowledge others have. i dont know where i place in the context. i dont know what is stupid to bring up and what isnt. google also told me that maybe its like the dunning-kruger effect where the more you know the more you become painfully aware of how little you know. i guess thats true. i also in general am like programmed to seek for irregularities (i study philosophy and have a background of doing a lot of things requiring close analysis and pattern recognition) so maybe thats why i only see whats wrong in my work or opinions even if that actually forms a small portion regarding the whole. usually my professors dont even pick up on those things i think are massive logical fallacies and am afraid will fail. i literally only get praise and they are so so so credible too, its not that i get approval from people who dont know any better. i dont know. i have all these explanations in my head but not one of those hits the nail on the head. ive gathered that what relieves my anxiety regarding.. well anything.. is just acknowledgeing it. like cracking the code as to whats the underlying deeper cause that projects itself in this belief, insecurity. but i cant seem to ever get it. i wonder is this too small of a problem to go to a psychologist. right now its not too bad but i actually get like weird intense uncontrollable nervous anxiety twitches and breakdowns from the pure thought of how little i know and what others think of me. im most afraid that they think that i think im smart when in reality im so painfully aware that im speaking on matters i feel i dont have proper knowledge of (yet i must because its an assignment). though i think its pretty apparent that im insecure, at least during presentations or speaking in seminars because of the way i speak (hesitantly). i know that to wait until i truly know sth before i speak is a lost cause. you cant ever fully know anything. and its like. so what if im wrong. nothing happens if im wrong but im so terrified of it. i guess ive tied my intelligence to my identity quite a bit but i dont know if that is it either. i guess you could say i should care less abt what other ppl think but in other areas im so confident and sure of myself i dont know why this is manifest only here. i know im actually quite capable at least compared to some people and there are periods where i do get my feedback on an essay or task and i feel really sure of myself but its a very very small slice of the time. i know comparison isnt proper but its also so necessary and inevitable in my field of study, i cant seem to avoid it. ive genuinely resorted to paying a lot of attention to my looks and makeup that makes me look cute and kind in order to hopefully cause the halo effect that when im silent or say something stupid i get the benefit of the doubt.......... its stupid. but im that afraid :/ of coming across narrow-minded.

[idealspawn]

i dont understand why does everyone i love keep going back to people who have hurt them and see no problem with it. how they just accept being treated like shit and love them more for it. there are so many people who are going to love them and love them already who have no intention of hurting them whatsoever yet that is not enough. not only do they tolerate that hurt but they justify that behaviour? how dont they see that their mind is so massively distorted by putting the one that hurt them on such a high pedestal and only blaming themselves for everything? im sure that everyone has low points and hurting one another at one point in relationships is going to be inevitable to a degree but to PRAISE them for HURTING you intentionally.. i think its reasonable to forgive and reconnect but not to think that one deserved that kind of abuse in the first place... i too have love for people who have hurt me in the past and sometimes people grow so we do reconnect as two more mature people years later but that only comes after acknowledgeing the fact that neither of us was necessarily "right" in that situation. such thing as absolute black and white right or wrong doesnt exist in i'd say most cases. and i also dont seem to understand why does this keep happening to me that im in a very close relation to someone and they keep choosing the one that hurts them SO MUCH over me. that just isnt fair to them or me. the issue isnt necessarily that they dont choose ME but someone who treats them with respect. i just have a personal hurt with it too. ive worked so hard on myself and continue to do so and am so good at conflict situations and i havent lost my temper around people i love for such a long long long loong time now. i am SO careful to make sure i am loving and present and understanding and patient and somehow that still is less of a love than someone screaming at them. even if they did do something wrong i think rarely unless in extreme situations one should resort to aggression. i keep trying to show them and tell them that they shouldnt accept such treatment but it just hasnt changed anything. this has happened to me with multiple people in a row. im so tired of this. im tired of my friends not recognizing their own value. and im tired of not being valued. im tired that its not valued how much work and intention i put behind healthy relationships. im sure they had their reasons for being abusive but that doesnt excuse shit. i have more than enough ways how life has fucked me up but i choose not to hurt others because of it.