Emilia Meyer

'If I could face them, if I could make amends with all my shadows, I'd bow my head and welcome them, But I feel it burning. Like when the winter wind stops my breathing'

[idfc-itsemilia]

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Oh...well hello??? Lmao idk if you’ll ever ever see this but as 2020 is drawing to a good needed close, I’ve been doing a heck of a lot of reflection on the mess that has been my entire life lmao

Something I’ve been particularly ruminating on is the time we spent in each other’s orbit. Something that I’d like to do before leaving a lot of shit in this year, is apologise. I realise now (clearer than I ever have) is that I was not necessarily the best partner nor the best friend. Sometimes I pushed too far over the boundaries of your comfort and I invaded some of your safe spaces because I was overwhelmed in joy and love - and I simply didn’t understand that your displays of affection were in contradiction to mine at the time. I tried way too hard to push what I thought our relationship should have been on to you at times, in ways that I should have known that you were not comfortable with. Like, when you had mentioned to me that the relationship wasn’t going to last, due to feelings you had regarding family and your own internal struggles - I should have acknowledged your struggle, had a proper discussion and agreed to do what was best for your mental health (regardless of what I ‘wanted’). Instead I panicked and rushed to save anything of the relationship I could, and tried to convince myself I could change your mind and make everything last, which was so incredibly selfish of me to try and do. I would have done anything to have held onto that relationship for as long as humanly possible, and that in itself is toxic. I shouldn’t have suffocated you and been so needy, clingy and desperate for that love. I had way too many insecurities at that time and I fully projected then onto you and our relationship instead of doing healthy things to cope with/eliminate them. I am so so sorry it all ended up like that. 

I also was a coward, and I fully own up to that. When I had questions or felt upset or didn’t understand your responses to certain situations, I would just either ignore it or gravely overcompensate and that is not how any form of friendship or relationship should be. I should have been more mature and come to you calmly with any questions or concerns, and I didn’t and I believe my behaviour here definitely contributed to a lot of toxicity in the relationship. 

I’m not going to pretend the burden of the toxicity was all on me though - I do understand (and I hope we’re on the same page here) that you contributed to things that happened between us as well. I should have brought up how those behaviours affected me though (which goes back to me being a coward) but I never have. Being yelled at for almost watching a movie you loved with my dad really hurt me and I cried for hours thinking up how much I messed up, I cried for weeks after ‘stupidly’ saying a concert was the best night of my life on social media, and I spent almost every night crying in my dorm room after you so casually announced you never wanted to speak to me again when I went home and I had never felt so alone in my entire life. It felt like shit, but I should have told you so during that time (maybe not as it was happening but you know what I mean lmao). It really affected me negatively for a long time - but I hope you know that now I fully forgive you and hold no genuine ill will towards you because that wouldn’t be healthy or right.

For a while this year my friends (who I no longer speak to because of some horrible shit that went down) convinced me that because you were an ex that did some shitty things, that I had to hate you and I was being way too compassionate. But, I mean, at the end of the day I still made that conscious decision to do that and I fully submerged myself in that behaviour of thinking, and publicly shared so - which I regret. Something I realise now though, is that while you did shitty things in the relationship, I was no saint either. I didn’t make things any better and I did just as much damage. You have told me you were struggling with some serious mental health issues at that time and I should never demonise or hate someone for how they behaved at their worst when I can tell that they are no longer that person and have made genuine strides to better themselves - like I can tell you have. 

Again, I am genuinely so so sorry for the pain and discomfort I put you through throughout the years. I hope you are in a much better place, surrounded by people you love and are happy. I hope 2020 didn’t treat you too badly and that you (and your family and friends) are staying healthy and safe.

Thank you for all the love we did share, the laughs we had and good memories we made, and thank you for being a rock in my life when nobody else was, you helped me through some of my darkest times and I’ll be forever grateful. You will always have a wee place in my heart.

- Julie (27/12/2020)

[idfc-itsemilia]

evemariem‌:

“Wow, Grace is going to be offended that you just called my bullshit-meter better than hers,” Eve laughed, thinking of how defensive Grace would get if she could hear what Emilia was saying. “I think I’m facing the wrath of God regardless, but by all means, protect yourself. I don’t think mom needs to be in the know about everything. As long as she knows I’m alright, okay? I know she worries, and I really am not worth losing sleep over.” She knew her moms were concerned about her whereabouts - she was bad at keeping in touch and often ended up in sketchy situations. 

“Oh, gross!” Eve cried, trying to get that mental image out her mind. Of course, she had provoked it, but that didn’t change the fact that it absolutely was not what she wanted to hear. She had always thought both of her moms were very pretty, but she wasn’t quite happy for the visual she was being provided. “I don’t vape because I think it’s cool. I just like it. I’m cool with or without it,” Eve said, sticking her tongue out. She waved it around her mom’s face. “Sure you don’t want to try?” She teased. “Okay, Thursday. Maybe we can go get sushi?” Eve was curious to see in Serenity. She knew it was still open, and wondered if it was the same as when her mom used to go. Many of the male patrons that came to her bar frequented Serenity, and often discussed the women there in words that made Eve’s skin crawl. “Okay. It’s a date.” In the front of the bar, the bell chimed - the first patron for the five o’clock rush was coming through the door. “I hope you got what you came here for, mom,” Eve said.

“You have to have really lived in the bullshit to be an expert at detecting it. But don’t tell Grace I said that or she’ll take that as a challenge and try to live in a dive club for a week or something and that’s not something I’d recommend to anyone.” Emilia gave a small smile as she thought about how relieved Faith would be to know that their talk worked and that things would be finally moving forward. Another one of her little miracles coming true. “Hey I’m the one still living with her and married to her, I’ve got to protect myself! I’ll make sure she knows. I think even knowing we spoke today will take a lot of weight off her. We did good in the end kiddo.”

Emilia laughed loudly at Eve’s reaction to her disclosing Faith’s performance outfit. “You asked for it! I told you you wouldn’t want to hear it!” Hopefully now that Eve got how gross it was to hear about her moms like that, maybe the probing about the stripping would stop. Well, it was Eve, so probably not. “See that’s what an uncool person would say sooo...” Emilia grinned cheekily and then rapidly shook her head at the offer. “Sushi sounds absolutely delightful, I’m really really looking forward to it honey.” The woman smiled sincerely as she moved to stand once the ringing of the open door hit her ears. “I did, and I got way more than I had hoped for. I love you so much Evie, I’m so proud to be able to tell people you’re my daughter.” Emilia would have gone in for a hug but understood that boundaries probably were still up for now. “Remember, don’t drink on the job!” She sing-songed as she made a move to exit the bar.

[idfc-itsemilia]

evemariem‌:

Eve shrugged. “Whatever,” she mumbled. “I get it. Perfect family, talented kids and all that, I bet it feels good. Sorry I didn’t go to university and all that. I mean, my grades weren’t good enough, anyway…” she was rambling now, and had to stop herself before getting too into it. “Well. Are you going to tell mom about this little conversation? Maybe she can stop praying for me if you tell her I’m alright.”

“You guys are such prudes. I just want some photo evidence that my mother would ever go out in public wearing something that showed above the knee. Personally, I don’t buy it. She probably striped down to some Little House on the Prairie undergarment and called it a night,” Eve laughed, hoping she wasn’t overstepping. It was just hilarious, the visual of her Christian mother in a bar, dancing to sensual music. And a little disgusting too, the more she thought about it. Ugh. Eve shuddered. “I’d like to see you try and stop me from blackmailing you,” Eve said with an eyebrow raised. “You may have been cool thirty years ago, mother, but let me remind you that you have been tamed for far too long to be threatening to me. I’m in the prime of my life.” Eve brought her Juul to her lips and inhaled the vapour, puffing it out like a dragon would exhale fire. “Okay. We can have lunch. But I’d like for Peter to come, if he’s free.” Even though Eve and Peter were completely and utter opposites, Eve had always considered Peter her twin brother and his presence made her feel at ease. He always made situations less tense and less awkward. 

“Hey, we don’t care if you went to university or not, or if you didn’t have perfect grades. That’s not where some people’s strengths lie. Your mind is the sharpest out of anyone in the family. You can smell bullshit a mile away, can read a bitch like a book and hell, you’d be my one phone call if I got myself in shit.” Emilia didn’t care what her kids did with their lives as long as they were happy doing it. Eve had way more strength and social intelligence that most of her siblings and the older woman knew there was something special in that. Way too special to be wasted behind a bar. “I’ll tell her that we talked, and that you’d be willing to try and work things out. I won’t say what exactly was said or we’d both be feeling the wrath of God. But yeah, I’ll let her know that you, that we, are alright,” Emilia smiled.

Emilia laughed at her daughter’s inability to picture the wild stripper side of her other mother. She’d never understand what those times were like. “Oh trust me honey, she’d walk out on that stage in practically her underwear. She absolutely hated it, but hey, I didn’t.” Emilia let out an over-dramatic gasp at Eve’s assumption that she was no longer cool. “Um I’ll have you know I am most definitely still cool! Just cause you can do that viper thing doesn’t make you cooler! I’ll have you know I’ve been charged by the police seven times. Actually...I really shouldn’t promote that as cool, I’ll get a lecture off your mom.” The woman tried to waft the vapour away from her face. She didn’t get the kids appeal for that damn thing these days, what was wrong with a good old fashioned joint? “Of course Peter can come. Spending time with two of my kids at once? Well I just can’t say no to that. You pick the place and I’ll meet you there. How about Thursday? And if things go well I might show you around Serenity and tell you some more stories. Only if things go well.” From what Emilia knew, Jack had actually became manager of the place and she needed to go back to see how it had all changed. 

[idfc-itsemilia]

evemariem‌:

“Your failures make you human,” Eve said. “I’m not Andrew or Nate or Peter, mom. I don’t need two picture perfect role models to base my life around. I managed to fuck up my life with perfect role models, so obviously that didn’t help. I needed someone to say hey, we all fuck up sometimes.” She knew it was too late to be saying this, but she wanted to get it off her chest anyway. “Growing up in that house is so frustrating. No one ever seems to fuck up. It drove me crazy.” She sighed. “But we’re all adults now. Things are different.”

Eve threw her arms up in the air as surrender, a smile still plastered to her face. “Hey, the secret is safe with me. I just can’t believe it. Wow. Do you have pictures?” She asked excitedly. “Also, let’s be clear here. I am keeping this secret because this is some dope blackmail material for the future, should I ever need it.” She never actually intended to blackmail her mother, but it never hurt to have an emergency fall-back. “So…what. You want me to come for dinner tonight or something? Say I’m sorry, that I’m going to try harder? What’s the plan here, mother, since you seemed to have this mission all planned out?”

“I know, I wish we could have just had this conversation sooner rather than having us explode at each other like this,” Emilia sighed as she played with her 29 year sobriety chip in her hands. “I’m so sorry that you felt the way you did, that we created a household that made you feel that way. We should have been more of a realistic example as parents. I mean, hell I especially should have.” At the mention of all being adults, the older woman sighed as she looked at her daughter lovingly. “I can’t believe you’re all grown up. I feel like I missed it all. One day you could barely walk the next you were leaving home.”

Emilia rolled her eyes and held her hand out to signal Eve to stop. “First of all, even if we did have pictures, there’s no way in hell you’d see them. You’re our daughter. There are such things as boundaries you know?” There wasn’t actually much picture evidence of the Serenity past, especially no clear shots of Faith. Even the brunette’s wife never wanted to touch that box at the back of the wardrobe, but Emilia like to keep a hold of it, for sentimental value. At the mention of blackmail, Emilia raised a challenging eyebrow her daughter’s way. “I’d like to see you even try to blackmail my ass,” She warned with a laugh. “No, I don’t expect you to fall into that right away. I mean, your mother would love to have you there but only if you were ready. We can even start with us trying to patch things up first, maybe I could take you out for lunch sometimes? Then we can work up to your mother. I think she’d understand the hesitation. But, this is only if you want to. If you want me to walk right out this door and stop attempting to fix this, I’ll do that too. We’re keeping things on your terms now.” Emilia knew that Eve had to decide what happened next. The older woman couldn’t force her into situations and make decisions for her, not anymore - not that she ever really did.

[idfc-itsemilia]

evemariem‌:

“Wow…” Eve raised her lips in an approving downturn. “So, I’m expected to open up about my feelings when you were hiding all this information all along? Doesn’t seem fair to me,” she pointed out, but her voice was much more relaxed now. “I don’t know. I guess as long as I have some backup…” Eve glanced at her mother, “it’ll be okay. I’m kind of scared of her, you know,” she admitted, referring to Faith. “Maybe not of her, obviously, because I’ve seen her cry over killing a fly, but of doing wrong by her. When you disappoint her, it’s like letting down an angel. It horrifies me.” Part of the reason why she never stuck around. She hated being around her family, but she hated the looks they gave her even more. 

Eve nodded, listening to her mother, until something caught her ear. It took a second to process, but when it did click, it was something so monumental that it moved her from her perch on the stool to her feet. “What did you just say?” Eve gasped, spinning around, trying to process what had just happened. Serenity was the bar a few blocks away, she knew that, she knew it was where Jack worked - that much of the story she had. She also knew there were strippers there, just from other patrons telling her about it. And Emilia had just said that she used to watch Faith there. “Holy fuck. Fuck! This is too good. Why does no one tell me any of the cool shit about our family?” Eve choked out a laugh, her hands to her head in a true mind blowing moment. “Oh my fuck! Is that how you two met? And you turn up here all high and mighty on me? That is so funny now. Well…” Eve sat back down again and made eye contact with her mother. “Guess I’m only third in line of fucked up Meyers. I can’t believe I even failed at being the worst failure.”

Emilia raised up her hands in defence, “Hey, you also didn’t ask about my life so really it’s a two way street. I also guess, I didn’t want you to think I was a failure. Which is a bit funny since it was the ‘perfectness’ you actually seemed to hate. I should have known after all those tantrums as a kid that you wouldn’t of cared about the kind of person I was. But in the house I wasn’t just about to whip out my criminal record for some family reading,  there never seemed to be a right time to bring it all up.” The older woman shrugged and thought back to all those years where she could have mentioned this all to Eve earlier. Would it have saved their family sooner? Or was this really all inevitable? “I know what you mean. When you hurt someone like her, it hurts you just as much. But I know there is nothing she’d love more in this world than for you and her to talk. To actually talk, and at least try. You know she’d be thrilled to see you at least want this, to want the family and to want her.” Emilia had been witness to the countless times Faith had spilled tears over their daughter and all she wanted was for it to stop. For it all to stop.

When Emilia noticed that Eve picked up on her slipped up, she freaked out. This was not supposed to happen and she started to wave her arms frantically to get the girl to stop. “No Eve n- please don’t say a word to your mom about this. I shouldn’t have said anything oh my god I’m about to get kicked out fuck I can see the divorce papers coming shit I’m about to get angry Faith fuck just take me out now.” The woman smacked both her hands onto her face and let out a loud, frustrated sigh. “Please just keep this between us two. Your mom...it’s her biggest shame. She beat herself up for it every day for years and is so worried about you kids thinking about her like...that. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, well I think it was... Just your mom would like that to stay hidden so please Eve, don’t.” The older woman finally removed her hands from her face and gave her daughter a smile. “See? Your moms aren’t as squeaky clean as you thought. I think it’s safe to say you belong to the family more than anyone.”

[idfc-itsemilia]

evemariem‌:

Eve cracked her knuckles, forcing herself to repress a smile. “You should swear more often. They’re just words you, know.” It was sort of fun, in a way, to hear one of her moms let loose - even if was at her own expense. “It’s just…” Eve hated talking about her feelings. Despised it, in fact. This was getting dangerously close to uncharted territory. “It isn’t so much…you…” she started, pacing behind the bar nervously. “It’s her,” she whispered, referring to Faith. “I’m never going to say grace before we eat, I’m never going to go to church, I’m not going to stop vaping - fuck, I have a devil tattooed on my shoulder,” she lifted her shirt to display the small animated devil face. She had thought she was clever when she got that. Now, it seemed childish. “I just…can’t see her loving me like all the others,” Eve finally admitted.

Eve stared at the inviting open hands on the bar, but she didn’t feel like they were quite at that level yet. Instead, she sat again, much calmer. As she listened to her mother talk, it was dawning on her just how similar they were. She couldn’t believe she had never noticed it before. So she wasn’t a black sheep, after all - she was one of two. But that didn’t change the fact that her mother had been “saved” so to speak, and Eve didn’t plan on going that far. At the end of the day, her mother had overcome an obstacle and came out inspirational on the other side, making her just like the rest of her family. She sighed. “I get it, I do. And I appreciate it…I do.” This time, she meant it. “But - and no offence - I don’t want to end up with a life like yours, tiptoeing around swear words and alcohol like you live in a convent. I want to drink, I’m twenty three years old! I want to go to parties and have some actual fun. Just because you were a lame drunk doesn’t mean I will be - sorry,” she added hastily. “What about just on the weekends? And Thursdays? And special occasions, obviously.” Overcome with emotion from the conversation, Eve couldn’t quite the words out that she really wanted to say. So she went with a Meyer favourite. Instead of saying it, Eve signed I love you to her mother. Then she signed I’m sorry. And then, finally, she spoke out loud. “I probably won’t stop being an asshole because of this, by the way. That is ingrained. In fact,” she cracked a small smile, “maybe you could it’s genetic.”

Emilia let out a small chuckle, “Oh I do, don’t tell your mom. I don’t swear around the family or her ever, out of respect. But around my friends, at work? There’s just some things you can’t let go off. I don’t get in fights anymore, so sometimes I just need to really let out a good ‘fuck you’. You can keep swearing as much as you want too, just maybe chill around mom. She’d faint if she heard some of the things we have been saying to each other.” It almost gave her a laugh, to picture the look of horror on her wife’s face at the two’s choice of swear words. She would definitely be in the dog house for it. “Listen if there’s one thing I know about your mother it’s that forgiveness is her middle name, actually it’s Anne but still. You don’t even want to know the shit I’ve done and said around her after we first met. You know I used to mock her religion? I laughed about the idea of God to her face, so hard that it made her run from me and cry. Yet when I came to apologise for making her upset, she forgave me right there on the spot, and she did quite a few times after it. I really took a while to learn my lesson. I don’t suggest doing the same thing but you have to know she holds nothing against you.” Emilia was brought back to that night at the restaurant where her sharp words caused her then friend to flee away and it still crushes her heart just like it did that day. “Yes, right now and for a little while it’ll be rocky. You won’t find yourselves on an even playing field right away. But if you guys talk and figure out boundaries and learn about each other outside of religion. Cause trust me, you mom is so much more than that. I think you’ll find way more other avenues to bond through - and you’ve got me right beside you as you both figure that out.” Emilia knew getting a close bond between Eve and Faith was going to take a lot of time, a lot of healing and a lot of patience, but she could see the wave of potential in trying, even if Eve couldn’t.

When Eve declined to take her hands, Emilia settled for fidgeting with her fingers instead - a nervous habit she never let go off. “I don’t expect you to follow my path. You’re still young, of course you should go out and have fun and have a life. I just don’t want you to close yourself off from people, from love...from me.” Emilia let out a loud laugh at Eve calling her a lame drunk. “No no, don’t apologise I was such a lame drunk. I went to Serenity every night and sat in a dark corner watching your mo- watching women dance. I wasn’t exactly aboard the fun train.” Emilia had hoped to God that Eve didn’t hear her almost slip-up. Faith wouldn’t so forgiving then. “Just don’t drink on the job missy. That’s the biggest warning sign. And if you ever feel it spiralling out of control, you call me right away? Not after a week long bender where you wake up on Liberty Island with no shoes and a baby goat in your arms. Not that...that is from personal experience or anything.” The woman awkwardly coughed as her cheeks heated up. “Hey!” Emilia gasped and lightly punched Eve in the arm. “Nah I wouldn’t expected you to stop that. I may have to hand over the title of best insults over to you, I think you have me beat.”

[idfc-itsemilia]

evemariem‌:

Eve was fuming, standing up now out out of anger. “Yeah? And does mom know you’re here, swearing and screaming at your daughter? I bet she’d love that. Just like she would love it if I went up to her and said ‘hey mom, you know the big man upstairs? Not super into that.’ Oh, I bet she’d take that really well.” Her voice was calm but still tinged in cruelness. “How can I not make a big scene? How can I not? I see the way mom looks at me, like I’ve crushed her soul easier than stepping on a grape. I see the way you look at me, the way you’re looking at me now, like you’ve created a monster. At least the people here don’t know what an outcast I am.”

Eve knew she had gone too far. The comment about drinking had overstepped a boundary, and she knew it, knew it has her heart sank to her stomach and down to her toes. She had been named after the first woman, and for the first time she felt like it - she felt like the only goddamn fool alive on this earth. If only Peter were here, he was excellent at patching stuff up. But he wasn’t. It was just Eve, and her stupid fucking mouth, which had gotten her this far. “Mom,” she spoke cautiously, her hands shaking. “I didn’t - I didn’t mean it like that.” The tears pooling out of her mother’s eyes was the twist of the knife in her heart. She was sure this was not the first time she had made one of her mothers cry, but this was the first time she was present to see it. “I know you guys try, I know. But I just don’t belong with you guys. I don’t feel like one of the Meyer kids, I feel like the one that accidentally got switched out for the wrong baby. Can’t you understand that?”

Emilia sighed, as she thought of what Faith would think of the both of them. “Mom knows I’m here trying to get her daughter back, and apparently swearing and screaming is the only thing that you’ll respond to, I’m sure she’d understand that. But if you had just talked to me about it, I could have defended you, I could have helped you out.” Emilia thought she had failed as a mother. Her own daughter wouldn’t come to her with her problems and chose to turn to the one path she feared the most. It wasn’t that she’d created a monster, it’s that she created herself. “Your mom is just upset, not just about God, but because she thinks you’ve rejected every ounce of love she gave you. She wants her baby home, but not like this. Eve, you’re not a monster. I’m just so scared for you because I know exactly where this life will keep leading you and the thought of it getting worse for you is my nightmare.” The older woman got lucky, she met Faith and everything changed, her whole life was brought out the darkness. She was worried Eve would never get that blessing, that she wouldn’t escape the tracks quick enough before the train smacked her full force.

After taking a moment to calm herself down, Emilia wiped away her tears and sat back on her stool, and held her hands out for Eve to take - not that she expected the girl to reciprocate. “Oh baby, you have the most Meyer in you out of any of the other kids. From the day you were born, even though your technically your other mom’s biologically, all I could see was myself in you. We are both stubborn as hell, and it pisses your mom off so much,” Emilia giggled as the adorable huff Faith would give the unmoving Meyer women. “You have a wall guarding your emotions about twenty feet tall, and let me tell you, at your age? Mine could definitely have matched yours in stature. You think you’re a disappointment who will never live up to anyone else in the family? Honey, that’s like looking in a mirror. After your grandparents passed, all I could think about was how it should have been me because I would never be as kind, as successful, as brilliant as they could have been. The longer I stayed in that dark place, the more I thought I wasn’t worth the dirt on somebody’s shoe. Yes, your mom did come and save me from that life and helped me become the boring cleaner version of myself, but that darkness is still there, it will always be there.” The woman looked down at the floor in shame. She knew that the place it all spawned from would never disappear, hell her outburst at the bar said so. It was how she chose to deal with it, every day. “I’m your mother, you could work as a bartender your whole life and as long as you were happy, I would be so proud of you - because that’s my kid right there, that’s a part of me. She doesn’t need a fancy job, lots of money, or a big house. She could curse at everyone walking down the street and have her whole body covered in tattoos and I would still show that little girl off because look! My kid is happy and healthy and she knows who she is! I love you so much Evie. I’m sorry if I never showed you that enough sooner.” Emilia gave her daughter a loving smile before giving a pointed look to the glass on the table. “But this alcohol thing, we need to shut that down. You may not be a full-blown alcoholic yet but that shit creeps up on you. And honestly I need a sober partner sometimes that’s not your mother. I love her but I need variety!” The brunette let out a light-hearted chuckle.

[idfc-itsemilia]

evemariem‌:

Eve’s mouth was left agape as her mother spoke. “Who are you?” She asked with disbelief in her voice, not quite sure what to make of the stories she was hearing. Could it be that she really didn’t know her own mother at all? She had always assumed her mother had something of a history, just from the way Faith and Emilia had spoken in the past, but she hadn’t pictured whatever this is. Her mother, a raging alcoholic - literally - best friends with a bartender who named a drink after her? Her head spun. Not that it mattered, because Eve knew she wasn’t an alcoholic. Just because she liked to drink didn’t mean she couldn’t stop at any time.

The expletives spewing from Emilia’s mouth almost knocked Eve backwards. She had heard her siblings swear before and get berated, but neither of her mothers ever swore - Eve used to find their use of ‘oh fudge’ pathetically hilarious growing up. “I can mock whatever the hell I want!” Eve’s voice raised to match her mother’s. “I’m a part of this family, just like you, and I don’t want to spend my evening cross stitching and singing kumbaya with a bunch of bible thumpers. God may have given you all something to be happy about, but I didn’t get shit, okay? He must of skipped me when blessing all of you,” she practically spat, her bitterness evident. “And look what you’ve become,” Eve said, her voice venomous. “A spineless mother of six who can’t stand that one of her daughters might not be good enough to put on display at Sunday mass. Maybe you should have stayed on the booze, it would have made you more interesting,” she shot back, pretending that the comments about not feeling anything didn’t feel like a slap in the face.

Emilia laughed loudly in her daughters face at the mention of family. “Oh really, you’re a part of this family? You don’t fucking act like it. You act like all we did your whole life was lock you in a cage and fed you shit for dinner! You could have done anything with your life and we would be proud of you! Hell, I’m still fucking proud of you even though you’ve become the carbon copy of me thirty years ago. I must say, never will be as good as the original.” Emilia knew it was wrong to be getting in such a vicious spat with her kid, Faith would scold her a million times over but honestly, it may be the only way to get through to Eve. “You know if you didn’t want to do any of the Jesus shit, you could have talked to me and said ‘hey mom I don’t think religion is for me’ and I would have talked to your mother to get you away from it all. But you had to make it a big scene because how could you not.”

As soon as Emilia registered the comments from Eve about her drinking, it felt like the biggest punch to the gut and for a moment her hand twitched towards the girl’s drink on the counter, her mind telling her to down the rest. Her face betrayed her and showed how crushed she felt. “Wow. Way to make an alcoholic want to relapse. Good job kid.” Emilia almost screamed in frustration and in a flush of anger, took an empty stool and threw it across the room. She took a deep breath before turning back to face her daughter again. “What part of my alcoholism would be interesting to you? Is it the part that made me jump on a mans back and tried to literally claw his eyes out? Or how about the part that made me trash my apartment because I couldn’t get the screams of your grandparents dying out my head? Ooh or maybe it was the part where I puke all over myself but don’t clean it up for two days cause I’m too fucked to care? That’s a good one, what fun memories! I don’t know what you fucking want from me Eve? I try to be a good mom and give you attention, I’m a piece of shit. I don’t give you enough attention, I’m a piece of shit. Can we do no right for you?!” Emilia was shaking like crazy with tears flooding her cheeks by the time she had finished her rant, which she fulled believed she blacked out during.

[idfc-itsemilia]

evemariem‌:

Eve pounded back the last of her jack and coke, the empty cup clanging against the counter as she slammed it down. “What do you know about bartending skills?” She grumbled, still unimpressed that her mom had even shown up. Thankfully there was no one else around, or else she probably wouldn’t even entertain the idea. “Oh yeah, Jack. You and mom talked about him before, that dude that Nate is named after. Must be some bartender to warrant a kid’s name. And Emrage?”

When her mother pulled out the chip, Eve almost choked on her own saliva. Somehow, she had not been expecting that. “Oh, amazing. Just amazing. Not only has my mother raised a brood of poor orphan Christian children, she’s one of those inspirational I-found-Jesus ex-alcoholics, too. God, can this family get any more Brady Bunch? I’m tried of being the only one with no accomplishments here.” She exhaled loudly, placing her face in her hands for just a moment of frustration. “If you came here to lecture me, the door is behind you. I’m not interested.”

Emilia almost cringed at the loud clang of glass against the counter. Guess literal aggressive drinking was a family trait. The amount of herself the older woman saw in her daughter was getting scary. “Hey I’ll have you know I got a couple of lessons or two, I could wipe the floor with you.” Emilia tried to lighten the mood and gave a light chuckle. “He’s a hell of a guy. Got me through a lot of rough nights and saved my ass from the cops more than once. That’s why it’s called Emrage, I had a tendancy to um...fly off the handles I guess you could say.” The thought made Emilia visibly squirm as she remembered all the fights she got into at Serenity, where Jack would literally have to pull her off the poor guys. 

As soon as Eve started to raise her voice and mocked her other mother’s beliefs, Emilia couldn’t hold her tongue anymore. “Okay missy don’t you fucking start this shit with me, you hear me? Don’t you dare mock your mothers religion like that. I may not be all down with it either but I support her and our family because it made her the kindest person I have ever met and that kind person pulled me out of my shit hell hole.” Emilia gave a bitter laugh at the mention of being the only one with no accomplishments. “Oh save me the pity party Eve. You think I wasn’t that exact same person at your age thinking I was doing nothing with my life? Turns out you really are my daughter. It’s like looking through a fucking time machine. Let me guess, you drink your ass off on the clock, go back to your filthy apartment, sleep until it’s time to drink again and wish more than anything that you couldn’t feel a goddamn thing anymore? Am I hitting the right area?” Emilia raised an eyebrow at her daughter and tried desperately to stop her shaking hands and cracking voice.

[idfc-itsemilia]

evemariem‌:

Eve enjoyed dirty places. Maybe it was because the house she had grown up in was so pristine in every way, or maybe it was because Eve felt that she fit in more with misfits and outcasts, but there was something about sticky bars and musty alleys that appealed to her. In the bar she worked at, the afternoons were the worst - slow, warm, no one to entertain her. Eve sighed, already itching for five o’clock to come so the bar would start to fill up. In her pocket, her phone buzzed, and she glanced down to check the text. It was from Peter. Hey, just wanted to let you know I think mom is on her way over there. She was asking about your shifts earlier. Be nice, okay? 

Eve pressed her lips together at the message, annoyed at both her mother for invading her space and her brother for being so goddamn perfect. There wasn’t a soul at the bar, so there was nothing better to do than wipe down the bottles and restock, the most mundane tasks in the world. Eve sighed and pushed back her hair with a tattooed arm, now suddenly on edge with the warning of her mother approaching. It had to be Emilia - Eve couldn’t picture Faith even nearing a bar. 

When she finally noticed her mother approaching, it took everything in Eve not to roll her eyes. She loved her mom, both of her mothers, even if it was deep down. But she hated what they had done to her, how they had forced her to be a part of a pristine family picture when she didn’t want any part of it. “I’m living the dream,” Eve said snippily, extending her arms out to show off her environment as if it were a natural wonder. “Well, as you can see, it’s really picked up. In fact, we just got our first patron in two hours. Except for that guy,” Eve gestured to the homeless man who slept in the corner during the daytime. “To what do I owe this pleasure?” She kicked over a stool and poured herself a jack and coke, lifting it up in salute to Emilia before taking a swig. “Care to join me for a drink, mother?” Eve asked, sarcasm dripping from her tone. She had never seen either of her mothers drink anything remotely alcoholic, and she doubted they would start now. 

Emilia really had to bite her tongue whenever her daughter gave her that sharp tone. It riled up her argumentative nature but it’d be wrong to yell at her kid. Faith would be so disappointed if raised her voice in her old ways. She settled on a good old fashioned eye roll and a sigh instead. “Ah I see you need to work on your bartending skills to get the crowd rolling in at this hour, I know a guy who could teach you a trick or two. Do you know that drink The Emrage? My buddy Jack Townsend came up with that, named it after me you know.” Emilia almost cracked a smile as she pictured her old friend Jack back behind the bar. At the mention of a drink, the woman almost choked. She really should have mentioned the alcoholic thing a long time ago. Quickly, Emilia whipped out her AA chip from her pocket, it was getting close to 30 years sober. “I’d be ruining a lot of hard work if I took up on that offer, hon.” Emilia sighed as she bounded her leg anxiously. “That’s actually partly why I came by. I think it’s time I talk to you about some things...about me. Things I’m not proud of. But out of all the kids, you’re the most likely to get it and the one that needs to hear it.”

[idfc-itsemilia]

Emilia never thought she’d be back in a place like this again. It wasn’t Serenity but turns out all bars really do have the same potent stench to them. It used to bring her comfort but now it just makes her skin crawl and her stomach twist. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic they say - and that gut urge for a drink still presented itself in the woman’s mind. Thankfully Eve couldn’t see her as soon as she walked in. It gave Emilia a good moment to give her daughter a once over. Where had she gone wrong? If there was one thing the brunette wanted more than anything it was for none of her kids to go down the spiralling path of destruction she had what felt like a lifetime ago. Her heart ached for her little girl, if only she knew the true horrors her own mother had went through maybe they’d have met in the middle a long time ago. But Emilia doesn’t like to talk about her past much, even now. Everything before Faith was dark and mouldy and falling apart. She did some really awful things that don’t reflect the woman she is now. She doesn’t even swear in front of her family at all now! 

It didn’t take more than a few seconds for Eve to finally notice Emilia in the doorway. Emilia cautiously took a seat at the empty bar and gave her the softest smile - it had been a long time but she still knew how dead these places were at 3pm on a Tuesday. “Evie, I thought I’d find you in here. How are you doing? What’s the crowd like in this place?” Emilia knew better than to start a conversation with someone like Eve, someone like her, getting personal. You have to start casual.

[idfc-itsemilia]

faithtaylorr:

“That’s a horrible motto,” Faith said, frowning. Even if it was a joke, she didn’t find it a very funny one. She didn’t like alcohol, and had made that clear, but she knew it wasn’t really any of her business what Emilia did with her body, so she bit her tongue. “You’re silly,” Faith laughed, pushing Emilia jokingly away with her hands. In reality, she was scared. Emilia had so few issues with being affectionate in public, and Faith still felt like the earth was rumbling under her feet whenever they so much as brushed hands. She had no desire to flirt in this bar, where she was being paid to walk around half naked. “Back to work for me,” she declared, standing up. “Enjoy your drink!”

“And it’s a horrible habit, I know.” Emilia wasn’t sure when she had gotten into the excessive drinking but now she was in too deep and didn’t know which way to swim. She knew that if she didn’t try to kick it soon, it would do irreparable damage and that was not something she wanted to deal with. Right now it was hard to do anything, but maybe she’d find a way.  Emilia pouted when Faith announced her departure, but she knew the girl was still on the clock and had work duties to attend to. “Okay, I’ll see you later, yeah? Maybe I’ll get you one of your fancy drinks just before you finish to congratulate you on another night done.”

[idfc-itsemilia]

faithtaylorr:

Faith didn’t know much about drinking, but she had an idea the four dollar drink of rum and coke she had just purchased was far from sophisticated. “I think you mean it’s for drunks,” Faith said, and eyebrow raised. “Because you would have to be intoxicated to get passed the smell of that.” Faith stiffened at the contact but reminded herself to relax. This was her life now, and people knew. So if Emilia wanted to put her arm around her shoulder, that was okay. She hoped one day she wouldn’t have to remind herself to go through all that thinking before she felt okay. “I will,” Faith said, but it was a lie. If anyone gave her trouble, Faith would suffer through it like she always did. She had no desire to drag Emilia into anything. “Geez, you’re needy,” Faith teased, leaning in to give Emilia a kiss. “And that was a lie. Your lips aren’t cold at all.”

Emilia shrugged at the comment and continued to pour the liquid down her throat until it was all done. “Can’t argue there. I am one of those drunks, I won’t deny. My motto is if you drink it often enough, you can trick yourself into thinking it taste much better than it actually does.” At this point, she was pretty sure her throat was so burned up from the alcohol that none of it had a true taste anymore. She let out a satisfied hum when Faith gave her a kiss. It was almost as addictive as the alcohol. Except they are sweet and soft, not bitter and fiery which gives them an edge. “I’m needy for you.” Emilia smiled cheekily. “And my lips were cold before you instantly warmed them up. I can’t help it, it’s nature babe.”

[idfc-itsemilia]

faithtaylorr:

Faith smiled, happy she had actually managed to fool Emilia. “Come on, if I was actually going to drink alcohol, why would I order something that looks like…well, really old medicine?” Faith wrinkled her nose. “Smells like it, too.” She leaned back, satisfied with herself. “I added a bonus ingredient,” she winked. “Just a sprinkle of love.” Faith’s mother used to say that whenever she made Faith an iced tea. Here you go, Faith. Sprinkled with love, so it tastes even better. “Oh, hasn’t been so bad. A couple of questionable touching, but that’s to be expected. No need to scope anything out,” she added in a rush, wanting to avoid a confrontation if at all possible. “All good.” It wasn’t all good, of course – it never was – but she truly wanted Emilia to think she was perfectly fine with everything. “How are you tonight?”

Emilia pretended to take offence and scoffed at Faith. “Um, excuse me? I happen to love the taste of old medicine thank you very much! It’s for us more sophisticated drinkers.” She stuck out her tongue playfully and took another sip of her drink. “You are absolutely too cute.” The brunette looked at the girl with a fond smile and draped her arm around her. Faith always said the most adorable things which made her heart warm with happiness. It was definitely something she would have laughed at and mocked before. Now, it made her laugh with light joy. “Well, you let me know if anyone is giving you trouble, okay?” Emilia would do anything to protect the girl next to her. Without stooping to violence of course. She was trying to be better. “I’m alright. I’m just glad I got a moment alone with you. But you know, my lips are just really cold and I think I need some help.” Emilia pouted. The buzz of her drinks was getting to her which added to her flirty nature.

[idfc-itsemilia]

faithtaylorr:

Faith was obedient, and this was perhaps her downfall when it came to this job. Men would put their greasy hands all over her, toss her around like a doll, order her to do things for them, and she never did anything but do them. The only thing she ever stood fast on was drinking – no thank you, I don’t drink – but that was about the extent of that. She knew it was wrong. She knew Emilia was watching her every move, probably disgusted and angry. It was strange now that she had Emilia. Before her, all of this felt gross, but at least she didn’t feel judged by anyone but the lord. Now, it was a constant worry. Was Emilia watching? What was she thinking? Finally she managed to break away and went up to the bar to get a jack and coke to bring back to Emilia. She placed the glass on the sticky table and slid into the booth. “Break time,” she announced, pretending to pick up the glass. She brought it to her lips, but put it back down before the alcohol actually got to her. “Just kidding. Its for you.”

Emilia felt a smile stretch across her face as she watched Faith walked over to her with a drink in hand. When the girl went to drink it, her mouth flung open as she thought the girl was actually about to have a taste of alcohol. When it was revealed to be a joke, she narrowed her eyes playfully and nudged her. “I was about to start freaking out there, you trickster! But thanks for the drink.” She gratefully took the glass and took a sip of the delicious alcohol. “Ah, beautiful! Just what I needed. Tastes better when it comes from you,” She winked. “How are the old pervs treating you tonight? Nobody crossing the line or being too filthy? If they are, I can have a word with them.” If any of the men tried to go too far with her girlfriend, she would make sure they knew never to do that again. Of course, she wouldn’t resolve to her normal violence as Faith wouldn’t approve, she’d just give them a stern talking to.

[idfc-itsemilia]

faithtaylorr:

A couple of the other girls teased Faith playfully as she finished up getting ready, picking up on the obvious relationship. “Didn’t really think dark, brooding, and alcoholic was your type, Venus,” one girl said. Faith, who was not a woman that believed in scary looks, made an exception here to glare at the other dancer. She walked out on stage as announced and glanced out in the crowd. It was a fine gathering for a Thursday, more people than usual mingled in with the regulars. Just as the music started, Faith caught Emilia’s eye. She wanted to smile, but strippers were never supposed to smile, so instead she winked and began to dance. Like always it was an experience of mixed emotions. Disgust at herself, of course, but over time she had come to enjoy dancing in a way. She was good at it, and the people liked her. The men showed it in disgusting ways, but it was obvious she had an effect. Once she was down to her strappy lingerie getup, a man in the front slapped a fifty dollar bill onto her thigh. Faith clutched it in her hand the rest of the dance like a tether to life itself. Finally, it was over, and she glided off the stage and back into her schoolgirl fetish outfit. Now time for the hard part – being out on the floor with the guests. She wanted to run to Emilia, but couldn’t. She had more work to do.

When the performance had started, Emilia felt herself melt at the wink that was sent her way. It was a small gesture, but as it came from her girlfriend - who was doing drool inducing moves - it caused a bigger reaction. When it was over, she cheered and clapped her hands, earning a couple of laughs from the customers, which were shut up by one deadly glare their way. She wished she could have her girlfriend all to herself for the rest of the night now, but she knew Faith had a job to do. This was her place of work after all. As she watched Faith do her duties, Emilia couldn’t stop herself from scoffing at how ridiculous the men were. It was as if they had never seen a woman before and their dicks were about to explode from contact. They were all dirtbags and a disgust for them had certainly grown for them over the years. A few more beers later and Emilia was desperately missing contact with her girlfriend. A couple of the other dancers had tried to entertain her but she wasn’t interested. Her eyes never left the blonde she was enamoured with.

[idfc-itsemilia]

faithtaylorr:

“Don’t call my stripper outfits gorgeous.” Faith balked at the compliment. “They’re trashy!” She hated dressing like this and hated the thought that her girlfriend thought she was gorgeous in such revealing getups, but she supposed they were made with sex appeal in mind. “I, uh…well…” she thought about it. “You can tell him,” she decided finally, a little unsure but unable to come with a reason why not. Everyone would find out, anyway. At the kiss, Faith felt herself get a little self conscious, but she twisted her hands in her lap and resolved herself to silence. She wasn’t used to the PDA and in the back of her mind, she was feeling that someone was going to think it was wrong. “Yeah, I’m up next.” She stood and gave Emilia a quick hug. “See ya after.”

Emilia held her hands up in surrender as Faith spoke. “I was just admiring how you look, that’s all. Plus, you’re talking to me, the girl who is in here drinking every night. I think I embody trashy.” She wasn’t the most put together person in the world and she knew that. “I’ll be cheering you on while you’re up there. I think I’m your number one fan,” She winked. One Faith gave her a hug, Emilia went to the bar to pick up a couple of beers before she went to her booth for the night. When she was collecting them, she decided to spill the beans to Jack. “You asked why I was happy? Well, I’m a settled down girl with a girlfriend. Who would have thought?” When the brunette turned to walk away, she laughed loudly at the audible gasp she could hear from Jacks mouth. He yelled to her, “Who?” ,and all Emilia did in return was turn to him and nodded her head towards the stage where her girlfriend had just appeared. She then got herself settled in her booth and was ready to pay close attention to the next performance.