To be honest, Tory didn’t realize it was Orion’s birthday until he heard a student mentioning it in the hallways. He usually wasn’t that observant, caught up with Quidditch game plans and focused entirely on what the students were doing to listen to idle chatter. But he couldn’t help himself when Orion’s name was mentioned. It happened now and again, and he often had to refrain from punching someone. It was the thought that he needed to stay on as a professor to provide his boy with comfort at night that stopped him every single time. It would not do to confront, but the laps that the student will get for bad-mouthing Orion was not always purely coincidence.
"Yeah it’s like his birthday or something… that freak… no plans… probably going to cry or something tonight." Tory winced and tried to take a deep breath. He usually didn’t get angry so quickly, but he never hesitated to defend the people he cared about. It must be the Gryffindor in him, if he was to be catching up with this Hogwarts lingo. Tory turned to raise an eyebrow at the student. "Mr. Wilson. I see that you are using my precious class time for chit chat. Three laps around the field, no broom." He smirked, turning around to face an inquisitive Madame Hooch. "You’re getting tougher. Good. You’re going to need it once I retire." "Really? Giving up on me so soon golden oldie?" Tory teased, smirking as she only rolled her eyes at his insubordination.
The rest of the class went by smoothly. Before heading back up to the castle, he wrote a note to Orion by owl. “Come to my room at 6pm- Professor Lewis.” Not too obvious, and definitely will not interpreted the wrong way. He had an idea to make it really special for the boy and he couldn’t wait to set things up.
Not that birthdays weren't Orion's favorite, he just disliked days, in general. Birthdays were days like others to him, he just got to change the number of his age. It was just a number. What could it mean but that the years passed? It was just a day... Or well, that's what he liked to pretend. It mattered to him more than he'd let it appear, but he didn't really want anyone to be able to use it against him. They already had enough things. To be fair, he didn't like spending his birthday away from his family. And this year, to make it even better, Tim had to be sick. Of course. He'd probably end up reading poetry somewhere, or looking at the stars. On his own.
A day like another maybe, but he couldn't seem to be able to make his mind work correctly, his thoughts somehow always going back to the man who shared his bed more often than not. He tried to find something to do later, maybe. A book he'd like to read. Even to be impatient to see the presents he'd get when getting home. He was thinking of it, of course, and so much more. But these were small things, and Tory was always there, stupid, loved pattern of thoughts about his eyes and his smile. He tried to work but his brain wouldn't leave him alone. At three PM and seven minutes, he'd be seventeen. His relationship with Tory wouldn't be that illegal anymore. They made it. The most risky time. It was over. And as usual, his answers in class were exactly the ones the teachers waited for, but he wasn't really listening. Humming random songs instead. No, this day definitely wouldn't be too bad, not if he could see Tory and tell him.
When getting back to the Gryffindor's tower, he found a owl waiting at the window of the first year's dorms. Wasn't really a thing that happened often, yet he still opened. Surprisingly, the note was for him. He sat down on Tim's bed to read, recognizing the familar handwriting, a soft smile on his face. Nothing suspicious to someon who wouldn't know, but he'd see him today. His Tory. Even if he never really thought of telling him this day was his birthday. In quite a stupid gesture, he held the piece of paper against his heart. Definitely, while the day had been pretty normal, even on the bad side, with Tim still at the infirmary, the evening would be nice. And he'd smile, as usual when he could be with Tory. Oh, he would tell him tonight, that now it was more okay. It was one reason less to worry.
And at five thirty he was ready. Same clothes, same smile that wouldn't leave him, not when he thought this much about the man who made his brain melt, and heart flutter. He stayed outside, at the door though. An half hour too early. That was almost as stupid as smiling for a note with no meaning. Holding it like a child. But after all, he had nothing else to do but to be happy about the things he had, and loved, and maybe take some time to enjoy them. And who had more than that? He liked this feeling, false naiveté that came to him when he thought of love. Of what it could mean. And that maybe, these were the few hints. The way he thought of this man.
"I like when you talk. You drift off into these tangents. It’s very… captivating." Tory laughed, brushing a hand through Orion’s hair. "I would like that. Just listening. I know I’m quiet, but I am listening." He smiled, tilting his head as he watched Orion’s expression as he thought. He wondered what these feelings were, those thoughts that made his eyes sparkled just a little bit brighter. Tory was genuinely interested in Orion’s past. He had always grown up without his parents, only the memory of them. He wondered what it was like to have two people, even though they weren’t biologically connected, that took care of him. "I get that. That’s really amazing. Your parents must be great people." He smiled, kissing Orion lightly on the cheek and nuzzling closer to him. He was getting sleepier, so he yawned, resting his head on the boy’s shoulder, tilting up to get a better look at him. "I think it’s great… to have people love you for who you are and take care of you. And a little brother that watches out for you too." He smiled at the confession of not leaving. It soothed Tory’s nerves somewhat, but his lingering doubts still existed. They all have made promises before, but it wasn’t later that truth finally showed. "Don’t say things you can’t go through with, Orion." He smiled vaguely, leaning his body weight onto him. He wondered what their age difference would do. They were in such different stages of life. Tory was ready to settle down, just waiting for the right person to do it with. But Orion was still young. He could go out and find new people, experiment and try it out. He should be allowed to make mistakes before settling with a man like him. But these thoughts were for later. They had only started kissing. Should they be counted as seeing each other? He wasn’t quite sure, but he knew that they were getting closer to that stage. He was slightly nervous at that thought. So many rules against it. He would hate it if he got fired for this. He didn’t mean to not follow the rules. He was quite sure that he wouldn’t, but then Orion decided to make things more difficult. He was angry at his disposition, but not for liking and taking the boy in.
Tory smiled again, kissing his lips to make sure the comment sunk in. He was sure of it. The compliment. It was the truth after all. It was not like Tory to lie or say some false thing to gain favour from a partner. Tory was always truthful, never seeing the purpose of lying to gain what you need. He smiled, glad that Orion took the compliment nicely. He was sometimes too forceful, maybe scaring away someone because of what he thought of them straight away. He traced a hand down Orion’s arm, lightly and softly, revealing in the touch. If he were to ever go to a psychologist, the doctor would probably tell him that his cravings for touch stemmed from the fact that he was never often touched as a kid. He frowned when Orion started choking up, something dark flitting across his face. Tory did not like the look on the boy. He didn’t want to ever see that sort of expression again. He placed a gentle hand on Orion’s cheek, his thumb brushing across the soft skin there, trying to reassure him that he was okay. “You should tell someone about it. I mean… Well, I am a teacher. Do you want me to take it up to them. You shouldn’t have to feel scared. Not in your own dorm.” Tory gulped sadly, kissing the tears away. “Shhh… It’s okay. I’m here. I got you.” He whispered, hugging Orion tightly in his arms, letting his head be tucked under his chin. He wondered what the fuck the boys did to make him so scared. He was angry, but most of all worried about the poor boy. “It’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it now. But you need to tell me, okay? I’ll try to find a way to help you. They shouldn’t make you feel this way.” He brushed his hand through Orion’s curls soothingly. “Please don’t cry.” He was always at a lost on how to deal with a situation like this. He often thought that sadness had no use in the world, and all he wanted to do was make sure people were happy. All the time. It scared him and troubled him whenever someone was in utter tragedy. He could not see the beauty in that.
"Really?" Tory did not know whether to take that well or not. But he decided not to push, and just laid comfortably next to Orion. Tory scoffed at the dig at his ego, raising an eyebrow. He laughed at the book Orion picked up. "Hey. I like them because they are bad. And some of them aren’t even that bad, okay? It’s a really captivating story. I wanted to spy when I was little." He laughed, reaching over and plucking the book out of Orion’s hands. "It was great. All the bravado and heroic acts. I wanted to be James Bond. All that cool stuff, have women. And then I realized it wasn’t really Pussy Galore I was in love with, but James Bond himself." Tory laughed, shrugging as he placed the book back onto the pile. "You can show me all the better things, but I would still like trashy stuff. Hey, no one can be perfect. And I like my flaw." Tory smiled, kissing Orion briefly.
Captivating. A word he'd heard sometimes about himself. A word that usually made him feel like some kind of lab rat. Observed. There, though, in the light of everything else, it just felt like a word. Some kind of compliment. Like he was worth some kind of attention. And Tory did give him this attention, listening. Touching. A touch that troubled Orion, making him shiver, feeling weak at the knees. Melting. Orion just leaned against him, relaxed. Leaned into these simple touches that made him feel complete. "They are..." Oh, his voice was just a whisper. Sleep was coming. For once, he felt like welcoming it with open arms. With a smile. Maybe in this man's arms he'd finally be able to dream without nightmares getting in the way. And definitely, at this very moment, he didn't want to think about his parents. Or really, anyone who wasn't Tory. He ran a hand through his hair softly, eyes closed. Not thinking of anything. Or thinking of so many he just gave up on keeping track. He never really knew, when his mind was so full of writing sometimes the ink ended up as white as the paper. And thoughts vanished as they appeared. Words, memories and senses. Fading into one. Fading into him. And somehow, these words he heard made him feel like he was burning. "Why would you even say that? I wouldn't lie. Not to you." He shook his up, cupping Tory's cheek to press a heated kiss to his lips. Not caring about his thoughts anymore, as they left his lips. "Is it because I'm too young? I'm not. I'm... Immature. Pretty stupid sometimes. I don't think before doing things or... Or really have the time to. This is not going to change that I can keep a promise. I wouldn't make it if I couldn't, putain." Languages mixing up, words becoming others. "Fais-moi confiance-Fuck-Trust me. Sorry. I just-I can do it. I'm not leaving you. I won't. I don't need anything but you. Better I don't want it. It's dangerous and thrilling but it's not about that... It's about how I feel and I don't get it but I just-You make my mind go blank. You make me feel like... Everything is possible when I'm always so damn pessimistic. And I know this won't stop... It can't, not if you keep looking at me like this. I don't want or need more. Or less. I don't need to try out something else or someone else - That sounds sick anyways -. You make me feel perfect. You. I don't care about what you think about this or yourself. But just trust me. Theory is enough to experiment. Theory tells me one thing. I won't leave you because I... I don't know why you make me feel like this but you do. Because I trust you. Because I just-You. You're fucking-I feel it. I feel you. And I feel that this is true. This will work. I won't leave. I'll hold onto you and these feelings. And when I say always and forever... Fuck, this is abstract as hell. A word, a notion. But... I believe it, and it's true. It's true. So trust me Tory. Always and forever..." His mind was on fire, smoke had to be there too after all. Tears reflecting into his eyes. He just wished Tory could trust him with this one thing. But his voice went softer. "It makes sense when I'm in your arms."
Odd thing to admit. Yet it was true. He shivered, as he felt Tory's hand on his arm. These touches. Why must these make him feel so good. So safe. Orion simply leaned in, burying his face in Tory's neck. No, he wouldn't cry. Not for happiness, not for sadness. He was stronger than this, stronger than tears. His mind was fire. Fire burnt, fire lit up the passion of smiles, made kisses burn against another's skin. Fire would never be calm. Fire could only die if it let water too close. Tears. Tears shouldn't be shed anymore. He wouldn't let it happen. "It was a year ago..." Tory asked. He couldn't lie. Or avoid the question. Didn't he promise he'd never do that to him, oh, just a few seconds ago? "Elliot... One of the guys in my year... Told me he loved me. It was stupid, after... Five years ignoring me unless he needed something, or someone to make fun of. But I wanted to fit in. Said I did too. Convinced myself I did too... I have no idea what love it but... I did it anyways. To be normal. Normal people do feel such things, right?" His voice was... Normal. As simple as possible. He said it like it didn't matter. No, truly, he wouldn't let any of this break him. "He told me I had to prove I loved him back. Had to have sex with him. I said no. But he convinced me. I just wanted to fit in so, I did." Tears. The fire would be no more. Strange paradox. He just wanted to disappear. And they fell, even if he fought them. Even if he tried his best to talk like none of this matter. To act like none of this mattered. It did. It would always matter. "The day after, his friends laughed. Just a bet... I was the bet, the joke... And I..." There was no words anymore. Mind blank. Eyes staring at nothing. Fingers digging into the skin of Tory's arm, and he didn't even notice. Just held onto him. Held until he didn't feel his fingers anymore, until his knuckles went white. He didn't even panic. No. The word just fell like it was blank. Would always be. Except for this one man on his side. Only thing he held onto. Only one who knew it all.
Orion shook his head slightly. Eyes closed, wrapping his arms around Tory. Still trying to find a point of reference. Lost. "You're a wizard? Isn't that better than being a spy?" He bit his lower lip slightly, grabbing the other man's hand to play with his fingers softly. "Pussy Galore was a lesbian anyways... But... Nevermind, that's cute..." Childhood dreams. Of course they were. Why did it feel like they came from another life? So long ago... Orion could barely remember his. "I won't change that... I-I even find your love for these adorable and this is really worrying me." He smiled softly against his lips, kissing him softly, oh, just another time. "I've always liked good books... But what's good in a book... I mean, the best part... It's not the words. It's the way it takes you away. It's just feeling like... Like you're part of it and understand another world. Or ours a bit better." He looked down, feeling awkward. No, definitely, he sounded stupid. "Sorry. I make no sense..." Orion said with a soft smile. Books were many stars in the constellation that composed his life. "I just... Really love books. And words... Do you read poetry sometimes?"
"Yeah? I’ll like that. Promise me you’ll explain the parts to me. I get a bit lost. I mean it’s hard to follow a singing plot." Tory laughed, rubbing the back of his neck. He wasn’t that smart or special, not like Orion. He was painfully boring. That’s what all his partners left him for, not exciting enough. He was fun on the field, but after that, he was just normal. He hated it sometimes, and couldn’t see why people wanted to be normal. There was nothing great about it. He smiled at the genetic comment, nodding. “Yeah. Exactly! Must be someone in your heritage. Sorry for asking, but do you ever get… I dunno. Interested?" He wondered if he was stepping on some sort of line, and quickly backtracked, “Sorry. That was a bit personal." He chuckled, shaking his head. “You don’t have to answer that." He paused at what Orion had said, wrinkling his eyebrows. Was he that easy to read? Probably only to the boy. He was all smiles and laughs. That kind of happiness was easy to fake, easy to fool. But someone once said that those who smiled the brightest hurt the most. Must be true. He nodded slowly, agreeing. “Yeah. I’ll keep that in mind. But don’t worry about me okay? I’m fine. If not, I’ll be." He laughed, “Yeah. You’re here. Fuck. You’re here. That’s… good enough. Better than I imagined. Just don’t… leave so soon. Kay? Getting used to you." He licked his lips, shaking off the residual feelings. He never liked to talk about these kind of things, never wanted to think about it either. It always made him want to hurt all over, and he hated that. He never paused to think about his actions, because he knew it would haunt him. The ignorant was happy, and Tory would try anything to make himself laugh and be happy.
"You’re not an idiot. Far from it. You’re fucking brilliant. And I’m going to keep reminding you that. Every single time." Tory smiled, kissing the boy again to affirm his belief. He really was. He was enchanted by the way Orion would seem to be lost in his own world, thinking and mind whirling. He would try to figure out what Orion was trying to figure out, that was practically an art in itself. The way words tumbled out, free and untarnished. It was something beautiful. He smiled, placing his hand on the boy’s cheek, brushing his thumb across his bottom lip. “I don’t care. I really don’t. I’ll wait." Tory nodded. It was true. He was always the one who waited. It got him into a lot of trouble, but he was always glad to do it. It wasn’t always worth it. He knew that, but he couldn’t help but do it all over again. He was never one to learn from the lessons. “Why? Do they…? Why do you not sleep there?" He was genuinely concerned, both as a teacher and as a friend or something more than a friend. It troubled him that no one genuinely saw who this amazing boy was. “I will. Promise you. Tomorrow night, the next night after, whatever. I will." He smiled genuinely, kissing Orion once. “It’s not much. But… I mean… I hope it’s enough."
He rolled off of Orion before his weight would crush him. Smiling as they were face to face, lying side by side, “I don’t know. I wish I had an answer for it." He barely whispered back. “Don’t freak out. Just going to get comfortable." Tory chuckled, kissing Orion once before pulling back. He unbuckled his belt, taking off his trousers, and throwing them down onto the floor. Not feeling self conscious at all, he snuggled back to place in his boxers. “Feel free to do the same. Swear I won’t take advantage of you." He winked, couldn’t quite wipe the smirk off his face.
"Hm. It'd be great to snuggle you while watching and things like this... And of course! I'll explain anything you'd like me to... And probably more. I mean, if you get me started about musicals you can't really expect me to shut up about it after... It's just-Yeah, it's a huge deal to me." He chuckled softly, giving Tory's lips a quick peck. How stupidly happy he sounded. How much he loved it. Feeling like he could talk freely without feeling too annoying. Feeling like someone was actually caring about what he had to say and why he was saying it. Someone was listening and he wasn't being annoying. Caring. Orion only blushed as he heard the next question, shaking his head. He didn't really talked about his origins often, or even got the chance to. Not really a thing he'd think of talking about anyways. Not that he was ashamed of it, he just didn't consider this to be a part of him. His parents were the people who raised him, not anyone else. Yet it was a concept little people seemed to grasp. That he didn't care, simply. He had origins. The ones of his parents. Not the ones of his blood. "I want to answer, it's okay..." He shrugged slightly, looking into Tory's eyes for a few seconds. "You can ask me anything I don't mind but... No. I mean... If one day my biological parents came and ask if they can meet me I wouldn't say no but... I know where I come from. I love my family, and... They wanted me. Maybe we don't have the same blood and all but... My parents raised me, and wanted me and gave me everything they could. I don't need other parents or grandparents. I have enough of these already..." Another thing many people found odd sometimes. But he didn't really care. They could judge him, it could hurt, this was a thing he wouldn't regret. Tory laughed again. Tory smiled again. And between these smiles, Orion could read him like an open book. Trying to be happy sometimes was difficult. But he'd be there for him, just like the other man was there for him. It'd work maybe. They'd smile. They'd laugh. They'd make it work and they'd simply be happy, even if it took time. Even if they had to hide at first. Orion wanted to forget all the bad things, and make Tory forget his. Bad things of the past. The bad is often what we know, what we went through. Not in the future. At least that's what Orion wanted to believe. "Don't worry about that. I don't plan on leaving soon... To be honest, I don't plan on leaving at all. I want... I want to be fine with you as long as possible. Forever, maybe." Forever and someday. Abstract words he wanted to make sound real. Abstract words he couldn't help but feel like these were what he always longed for. Something to have and keep and more to hope for. Yes. Abstract sounded nice this time.
Orion blushed. Orion kissed back. He was lost, maybe. Oh, just a bit, wondering how someone could think that after all these years where he simply felt alone. Where the only nice words came from the same few people he, after all, had a hard time believing. Wasn't family supposed to be biased after all? But they felt true. And he felt as brilliant as a star shining in the night sky. Maybe a thousand of these. And his soul lit up a smile on his face. Honest, and full. Everything he felt put in a simple gesture, everything he felt and wanted to show Tory, as he pulled him closer to kiss him again, lovingly before whispering a simple "Thank you" against his lips. The simplest work could work the best sometimes, when no word really worked. No words expressed everything well. Then you just use the simple ones, and let your body talk for himself as you relax, and smile. Can't stop smiling. Feel like you just swallowed the sun. And Orion felt exactly like this at this very moment. A thank you for accepting him as he was and not minding his words, often unwanted, but who couldn't be avoided, just like thoughts that couldn't really be stopped in their way to his lips. Thank you for waiting, waiting for the old thoughts to vanish and for Orion to be ready, simply, fully. Just ready for more. Maybe it happened once but he hadn't been ready before. This time, he just wanted to take his time. And he trusted Tory. And he knew, with these words that he would really wait, and not try to do anything for more, not if it was unwanted. And the longer he was willing to wait, the shorter he'd have to, the shorter it'd take for Orion to finish to fall, definitely, and want it himself. Odd thing, maybe, but true anyways. He closed his eyes though. Oh just for a second. As all the memories and the nights spent crying came back. These night where Tim had been the only thing calming him down. And while he would have wanted to say the truth, to say it all, his mind and heart refused to give him the words. And he refused to cry. Not again. Not tonight. He'd shed enough tears under these stars. He'd made too many pillows wet with them for these souvenirs. It was a year ago. It should be forgotten by now. But words were sometimes just a small pinch to a heart barely in one piece again. Fragile. "Do they what?" He bit his lip, feeling the tears invading his eyes again. Damning them. Daming the nightmares and these boys who ruined his chances for him to call his house a home. "Scare me?" And his voice broke suddenly. And he was a kid, weak, with his broken heart as you'd have a broken arm. "Yes. Yes they do... But..." But now is not the time. Now I just want you. "Don't let me think about it." A plea. A cry. A tear, or maybe two, rolling down his cheek. No, he wouldn't cry tonight. Not another time. He hated water. He hated tears and their salty taste. Especially these ones. He'd been crying with happiness. If only he could take out all of this water like this. Away from his body with smiles and strangled sobs that only meant thank you. That'd be perfect. But they always came back when it all felt too dark around him. When he just felt too lost.
And he wiped these tears away, as Tory moved. "I won't-I won't freak out. I'm probably the only person on this planet who doesn't like to sleep undressed." The tears wouldn't come back. The tears couldn't. He would fight them. No, they wouldn't ruin this night. He would be brave and swallow each and every single one of them. He'd talk, maybe, if Tory wanted to. If he asked. But he wouldn't cry. He would be a lion on his own if he had to, away from them all, but he'd be one anyways. He was brave. Carelessly brave. Only careless about himself. He rolled on the side, and while looking at Tory could have been a nice thing. One he wanted to do, he pretended to himself that no, it wasn't. Maybe not to look weird. Or amazed at how gorgeous this man could look. Oh, he still saw it. Watched when he wasn't really seen. And words once again weren't a thing he learnt how to fight, as he picked up one of the books on his nightstand. "Okay. You're an amazing guy, with a damn perfect arse, but I found your one flaw." He shook his head, showing him the cover of his book. "Seriously? Just reading the summary I can tell you... Everything that happens. These things are bad. And usually badly written. You need to read better things."
"That’s amazing. I’ve been to the West End only once. It was some sort of publicity function or something. It was great." Tory smiled, rubbing his thumb on the back of the boy’s hand. He wanted him to relax, to smile, and be happy. “Wow. And you and your brother still have magic? That’s pretty cool." If Tory was smarter he would have made a comment about genealogy, but he was a simple guy. He didn’t really mind where Orion was from, he just wanted to know because he wanted to understand him. “Let’s see." He smiled, thinking about what to tell Orion about his family. “I was raised on a farm. I had 5 siblings. I was the fourth one. Don’t know why, but everyone else was normal but I was the only special duckling. Only my father knows about this magic stuff. They’re very conservative and religious, so they don’t really understand. Haven’t seen them since I went to school, really." Tory shrugged. He was sad about it, but he had grown independently from these people. They were just a vague memory now, and he was sure that even his little sister was grown and had a family of her own. Maybe one day he would see them again, but he also knew that he had to tell them. It wasn’t like Tory to keep something about himself from others. He was always open and honest, no matter how much pain that caused him.
He smiled, nervously, ducking his head to kiss Orion again. He didn’t want to think about the repercussions of his actions. Not just yet. At least when there was a door separating his duty and his personal life, it made things seemed clearer. He twined his hand with the back of Orion’s shirt, tucking him closer. He just wanted him closer. Tory moved so that he was seated more comfortably, smiling at the boy on his lap. He wrapped his arms tight around his torso, arching up to the body heat. Kissing desperately, he placed his hands possessively against Orion’s back. Breaking to take a breath, Tory let him bury his face against his neck, humming at the pleasantness of it. He kissed the boy’s cheek, nodding. “Of course. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to." He smiled, “I definitely don’t want to take advantage of you. Well, maybe a little bit. But I’m not allowed." He chuckled, shaking his head at his own audacity. “Your dorm mates wouldn’t notice? I don’t want to spread any rumors, or cause any hoax. Not until you’re of age at least, or maybe out of school. I don’t want to get you expelled." He kissed Orion’s cheek again, the corner of his lips, then his jaw line. “Come on then. I’ll show you my room."
He picked Orion up bridal style, laughing at the shock. Being an athlete paid off, he carried the boy without breaking a sweat. Tory’s bedroom was simple, with touches of red and gold. The bed was modest, with a few muggle detective stories piled up on the bedside table. He deposited Orion on his bed, smiling at the sight, before crawling up and covering the boy with his own body.
"Oh, really? I'll take you there again then... One day." Dreams. Foolish, maybe, but already there. Thoughts of a someday, of a future that would come, maybe soon. Maybe when they'd be able to walk hand in hand without anyone bothering them about it. Without having to hide. Yes, someday sounded like a nice idea. Vague, maybe, but Orion could get used to it if vague could come true someday. He nodded slightly, almost lazily. Just staying in place, or trying to. It felt good being here after all, so why move? "Yeah. We do. It's weird right? I mean... I don't know. I don't know of any magical orphanage but well. We've got the magic gene. I don't know from where but it's cool." Orion closed his eyes, playing with Tory's fingers as he listened to him talk. It was odd. Not the story itself, after all, it happened, some muggles just couldn't understand. But the way Tory sounded. Like he didn't want to care but couldn't help it. Sad, too. Stupid sadness. Orion just wished he could erase it from the world. For himself, and for Tory. To never have to hear this glimpse of it, far behind his words. He didn't even want to try to think of what it would be to be in his shoes. Probably awful. He couldn't imagine. And then, comforting people had never been his forte. Maybe because he didn't really do it before. He just leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to his rugged cheek. "You're better than that. I... I'm here if you ever feel alone okay? I know how it feels... Maybe not as much as you but I'm here for you. And it's not just a cliché thing or something. Maybe we're going fast and it's odd but-but even if this doesn't work, but it will... I mean, I want it to... And I know I can't replace them, But I'm here." Getting lost in his words, in his thoughts again, he shook his head. Definitely, he'd never be good at this. "I don't want you to feel alone, even if you pretend it's okay and all. It sucks. I really like it better when you smile... But you don't have to pretend with me."
And here he smiled again. Maybe not exactly like before. Maybe not as happily, Orion could sense it, but it was still a smile. Already that. Already a promise for more, an idea for a better. The beginning of something that could work, simply. And they were close now. Bodies and hearts, and maybe his heart was beating too fast and maybe all of this was going too fast. Who cared? Orion was used to this feeling. The one of a word spinning around him, that his thoughts could follow but not always his heart. This time it was his heart that he couldn't understand. There was no word for this. No love, no confusion. Just a strange way to care for someone you're still discovering. Someone you want to know everything about yet still feel like every word they say is a part of you the moment they leave their lips. Someone you just want closer, even when it's not physically possible. Odd feeling truly. Then Orion was odd. So is the world we all live in. And he blushed, as Tory laughed. A chuckle he only wanted to kiss off, but he was maybe a bit too busy trying to keep himself together to do that. "It's not about being allowed or not-Oh, wait, it was a joke right? I'm sorry... I'm really bad at getting these. Ugh. I'm an idiot." He shook his head softly, squeezing Tory's hand tightly. "You could-I mean. You will. Someday... Just not now..." Someday. This someday again. And Orion knew it could be great this time. With him. But not now. Someday.
Another soft shake of the head. At least he could answer this question. "No one will notice. I mean. Tim will. I haven't slept in my dorm since last year... Usually I just stay in the common room, the sofa is pretty comfy or... Or I just sneak in the second years' dorm with him... I-Yeah. No, no one will notice..." Lips against his skin. Lovely feeling. New. Still so new. All the caring in every gesture, maybe. But still everything he had been starving for for so long. "No... No one will." Repeated words with a soft sigh, as his eyes closed. Soon after, he could feel himself being pulled from the couch. Into these arms he never wanted to leave. He held onto him, losing himself in his eyes, not even caring about what could be around. He didn't really care about the room, or the bed he was now laying on. This man was all he cared for at this very moment, and he only wished for it to stay forever this way, as he wrapped his arms around Tory's neck to pull him down for another kiss. This was new. Still so new. But maybe new could be good too. If new was like this it had to be good. "I don't know why people fear the unknown when it can feel so perfect." Another thought that left his lips as a whisper, from lips to others. Careless thoughts traded against kisses and new feelings. Against security, and a someday that seemed to make sense, for once.
Orion smiled. It wasn't usual, someone actually taking the time to talk to him. Definitely pretty nice. He put his book down, looking up at the girl. "Uhm. Nope, but thank you? I mean... I'm not lost. I just... Read in random places sometimes. Sorry if it seems unusual and all... Didn't mean to bother you."
Morning had never truly been Orion's thing. Nights would always be worse. Nights filled with nightmares and tears he refused to cry. Or tried to. Nights would always be his calvary, or so he thought. His life was no romance novel after all, the nightmares wouldn't stop just because he was happy, truly, the moment he fell asleep? And the smile on his face vanished when the images came back, each as vivid as ever.
Words, smells and sounds. As if it never stopped. As if Orion would never find a way to forget them. And feelings. Feelings maybe the worst of it all. As long as the souvenirs would be there, the nightmares would follow, hiding in the shadows of his thoughts, of his minds. They'd always come back at night, with a smirk like theirs.
These smirks always. An image that had haunted him for almost a year now. They'd never get, these boys, how much they hurt him. How much these smiles did. How much at the moment he got, truly got what they meant, he just wanted to scream. But he didn't cry at this moment. He kept that for later. Elliot was with them. Ellot laughed too. Elliot smiled too. Even if Orion could read regret, deep behind his pupils. No tears, but regrets. No sadness, but maybe an apology he wouldn't mutter, too scared to be laughed at too. You can't always be brave. And he smiled. And he laughed. And Orion broke.
He was still a pariah. Wouldn't belong in his own house. Never truly be part of this constellation.
The night before everything seemed well. Rushed, when the new boyfriend refused a kiss to Orion if he wouldn't give more. Do more. Everything he wasn't ready to give him. Not now. Not yet. But it took him an hour to give up, to accept, ignoring the tears blurring his stare. It wouldn't be special. Not really. And he still didn't want it but if he had to do it for Elliot not to break up with him, not to hate him, he would. To maybe keep feeling like someday he'd have a chance to belong. Illusion, as he didn't. Not really. These arms were a mirage, and this castle never felt like a home so far. He would do it. And belong in his arms, if it wasn't in this school, in this world. Even if the feelings were faked, pure product of his imagination. And so they did, tears rolling down Orion's cheeks.
And so they did.
But the feelings of almost, of maybe... It vanished in the morning. It vanished, with a few words and these smirks. And these laughs.
"It was all a bet"
Orion cried. Maybe he had a better reason this time. Wishing he was simply normal, even if it meant less smart, less talented. Just normal, like any other. Maybe then he wouldn't be this lost, drowning in his tears. Maybe then he would have someone to dry them. Maybe then he wouldn't have to force an eleven year old to catch him as he fell because he was the only one he accepted to trust anymore. The only one he knew how to trust.
And Timothy was her with the laughs and the words. Timothy who only grew up too fast because of him. Because he needed him, like a lost man would need the stars to know the direction.
It was all here. All mixed up in his tears. Every night, in every nightmare.
At least tonight Tim wouldn't have to put the shattered pieces of his heart back together. To be woken up in the middle of the night by stangled sobs.
Orion dried these tears by himself. Trying to forget it all. Focusing simply on the moonlight, and how perfect the man next to him looked as he slept. Peaceful. Dreaming. Tory. Angel that seemed to have only fallen on Earth to put him back on his feet. Maybe he would leave once he was done, letting him break again. Orion couldn't help being scared, deep inside. He just wouldn't let it show, or admit it in front of him. Tory seemed so worried already. Scared enough for a hundred of men. Orion could persuade him they wouldn't get caught. He could persuade himself too. But he couldn't just say it'd all be perfect. He couldn't know. And that's what scared him. Not being caught. Not what people would think. Just losing him, the day he'd see how weird he was, fully abnormal. Different.
He would push these worries away anyways, refusing to let these mix up with his fears, with his nightmares. He just had to focus on the way he felt here, as close to the man as he could, holding tightly onto him. Simple feeling of security. Unknown feeling of belonging. Belonging. Never once before he felt truly at home in this castle. Something that wouldn't be faked. Yet, at this very moment, burying his face against Tory's neck, he did. And he knew he'd be brave enough to chase the nightmares away.
Because this wasn't a bet.
Didn't feel like one.
It could only be real this time.
He didn't have to fake anything after all. Not now. Not tonight. Not with him.
This time things where just this way, and nothing would change it.
No matter his tears, mirages trying to hide what would be worth it.
"Yeah. But I think everyone will go for Quidditch if they are trying to get into my room." Tory laughed, giving a boyish shrug. He really needed a better password, but this wasn’t the time to think about it. “Huh. I never heard that before." He regarded the strange phenomenon. He still wished to figure Orion out, trying to understand where the boy was coming from and how to understand him better. But he was still an enigma. And Tory wished to continue to try to unravel the mystery. “Do they not like magic? Or just… like muggle stuff better? I can understand that. God. I kind of miss the internet." He laughed, smiling again. He wished that his parents could be more understanding of magic. But his mother doesn’t even know. She just thought that Tory went away to special boarding school and then got too snotty and snooty to come back to visit their ‘hick town’, which isn’t true at all. He had once called his father, trying to get back in touch. But his father had declined his visit, saying that they were busy with some harvest stuff this year. It had been the excuse year after year, and finally Tory got the hint. His family didn’t want know about the magic, and they probably won’t. He understood that, a part of him, but he couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like if he actually had a family. He had grown up without parental guidance, relying on the teachers to care for him, but it wasn’t the same. He shook his thoughts away, not the time to think about his family right now. But whenever someone brought it up, his mind drifted. He smiled, kissing Orion quickly.
He opened his eyes as he finished, smiling nervously at the boy. It was something private that he did in his spare time, to ground himself and remind himself of his childhood. It was a good way to express himself. Although he constantly said that Quidditch was an art, music seemed more intimate. It was something he could control by himself, whereas he needed to rely on others for the sport. He bit his bottom lip at the boy’s face, not knowing whether the tears were a good thing or a bad thing. He smiled at the hand against his cheek, leaning into the touch and nuzzling the palm there. He planted a kiss on the hand, before moving closer and kissing his wrist, and kissing his cheek. He cared about Orion a lot, something that would have scared me long ago. But it seemed that the boy shared the same passion and fire he had, and Tory was infamous for jumping into things too quickly. But it did not matter. Not really. As long as they had a prolonged moment like this. Tory kissed Orion again, placing the guitar careless on the floor, eyes never leaving the boy’s. It was a long time since Tory had felt wanted as well, and this seemed to be the perfect way to make his way back into comforting arms.
Orion didn't think he'd ever get used to this feeling. Freedom, pure freedom, as he was in Tory's arms. Freed from his thoughts and the boundaries he set to himself over the years. Free to feel instead of thinking too much. Free to listen to what he wanted and loved and not what he thought would be right. Free to leave the mask behind, and to only laugh when he really wanted. Not to care about what his thoughts could tell him. To be normal maybe, at some point, in a long time. And he shook his head and laughed. Not because he thought it was the right thing to do, but because he wanted it. And hell, most of the times when he tried to do what he thought would be right, training on his own since no one seemed to want to do it too, talking to someone about something he loved when they only seemed to talk about school or themselves. But now wasn't the time for this. Maybe to explain a few things. To let go. And to show Tory how much he cared. How much this meant to him. "Yep. The internet is a cool thing." He grabbed one of his hands to play with the man's fingers softly, resting his head against his shoulder. "My mother's an actress. In the West End. And my dad an ingeneer. They just liked the muggle life better... But we still use magic and all... It's just... Different I guess." Orion closed his eyes, calm for once. "And for the blood stuff, I've been adopted. So, there's that." Oh, sure, he didn't talk about it often. Some people guessed. Most of them didn't know. Orion didn't like to talk about it. He had parents and a brother. Blood didn't really matter to him. But people always seemed to find a way to make it matter, and he hated that more than anything. He didn't want to care, simply.
Every move, every kiss, every touch seemed so intimate at this very moment. It was odd, but the farthest from unpleasant. Orion just wasn't used to it. Stars didn't touch often after all, and when they did, they crashed and exploded. Fell through the galaxy, just like Orion could feel himself falling for Tory. And he wouldn't do anything to stop this. Letting their lips brush and only doing his best to get closer, always closer. Not doing anything to stop the tears. They would stop at some point, and he wouldn't notice it, just like the moment they started. It was odd to feel this happy, and to realize. Realize everything beautiful in life. Only opening his eyes, finally, because of Tory. And the other thing he knew, at this very moment, was that he never wanted to let go of this feeling. To leave these arms. And he kissed back, kissed him again, and again, before settling back on his lap again, draping his legs above Tory's and burying his face in his neck only to breathe in his scent, eyes closed. Definitely, he would never want to leave here. "Can I stay with you tonight please?" His voice was just a whisper between his last tears. Just a smile after the storm. "I don't know what's going on... Or anything... And it's not to have sex or things like this I just... I want to stay with you. If you don't mind. Your arms seem like the safest place I've ever found... And I don't want to leave... Not ever." A soft sigh and another smile as he squeezed his lover's hand tightly. Definitely, this was the kind of feeling you could sing or write poems about. The kind of feeling you'd risk everything for.
I am not jealous
of what came before me.
Come with a man
on your shoulders,
come with a hundred men in your hair,
come with a thousand men between your breasts and your feet,
come like a river
full of drowned men
which flows down to the wild sea,
to the eternal surf, to Time!
Bring them all
to where I am waiting for you;
we shall always be alone,
we shall always be you and I
alone on earth,
to start our life!
Tory laughed at the declaration of his full name. “Yeah. My parents were… They were kind of religious… and very American." He ran a hand through his hair, eyes glancing at a photograph on the fireplace before returning his eyes to the boy curled up on his side. “I’ll change it soon. But I thought making Quidditch a password might be even more obvious." He grinned mischievously, making him look so much younger than he actually was. His eyes lit up, and there actually seemed to be a twinkle. Tory licked at Orion’s lips, tasting him. He couldn’t really describe it with words the feeling of it all, because he was never good with words anyway. But all he knew was that gut feeling he relied on so much. “Thanks. I mean, everything has its place so it’s not that bad." He smiled against Orion’s lips, still unwilling to let go. If he was more of a poetic man, he would have described this connection. But at last, he couldn’t express himself through words, so he simply did it through action. He gripped the back of Orion’s neck gently but firmly, pulling him for another long kiss. God, he could just keep kissing this boy right here. “That’s a great way of looking at it." And Orion was so smart too; he had a feeling he was incredibly out of his depth here. “So are you… halfblood? Or do you just know a lot about us?" He smiled, tucking a strand of Orion’s hair back behind his ear. He wasn’t going to judge, but he was simply curious. “Musicals, huh? Don’t know much about it. But yeah, I agree with you. It’s a good way to express yourself, I think. Sometimes words just… I’m just not good with them." He laughed, running a hand through his own messed up blond curls. With a nod, Tory went up to fetch his guitar. The song he wanted to play was already at the forefront of his month. His hands were steady as he started strumming, his voice soft and clear as he started the verse. His accent was slightly more pronounced, a grin stuck on his face. His voice started getting stronger at the chorus, "Wanna wrap you up wanna kiss your lips, I want to make you feel wanted. I wanna call you mine, wanna hold your hand forever, and never let you forget it. Yeah I, want to make you feel wanted." He grinned a cheeky smile at Orion, giving him a slight wink. "I wanna show you what I see tonight." And then Tory closed his eyes, as though he was lost in his own little world. The music carried, and although he wasn’t a very technically good singer, his voice was low and powerful. "I want to make you feel better, better than your fairytales, better than your best dreams. You’re more than everything I need. All I ever wanted. All I ever wanted." He looked at Orion after the bridge, the fleeting joking tone gone. "And never let you forget. Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted. Baby, I want to make you feel- wanted. You’ll always be… wanted."
"It probably would... But sometimes things are so obvious people won't even notice them. Like when some spend hours looking for glasses on their nose, things like this." Tory's smile at this moment couldn't be described. A hundred words went through Orion's mind, but none really seemed to fit. He looked so young at this moment, and the only thing Orion could manage to do was to lean closer, smile wider and kiss him once again. Making it soft. Making it last. It almost seemed too much. Too real. Too perfect. After all these nights holding onto a little brother like he was the only thing he had, losing himself in books, words and constellations. It couldn't just be true. It couldn't just feel this easy. Yet it was here. Yet it was true, he could feel it. Dreams weren't this real. Just shots of emotions, images and sensations. This was all of it, at the same time. This was true and he would never have been able to imagine it. Not this password, not the mess, not the sparkle deep inside Tory's eyes. His Tory. And he let go, his eyes burning with all these thoughts, all these words, too many to be said. And he let go, just in time to let himself be pulled into this kiss. It felt as true as everything else. It was real, and it meant something. It wasn't just two mouths crashing against each other. Everything was gentle, passionate. The smallest move seemed to make the world go round. And every dream, every hope Orion had could be put into this kiss. It was everything he wanted and needed. Everything he dreamed of. He had it right there, at this very moment. And it felt oh so good. Oh so real.
He shook his head slightly at the question, before shrugging. Complicated question, in fact, when you knew nothing about your blood. When you wanted blood to mean nothing. But he answered as he could. "I have no idea about the blood... But both of my parents are wizards. They just kind of... Gave up on it to live in the muggle world." He shook his head. "It's pretty weird, but well, not that interesting" But it was time for something else. He chased these thoughts away to curl into a ball, listening closely. Every word, every note. Orion didn't want to lose any of it. Any star in this perfect constellation. It would have been anyone else, he probably would have cringed at every little technical problem. But at this moment he didn't care. He just couldn't. Not when he felt everything inside him melting and tears running down his cheeks. For once in his life, he felt truly happy without having to wonder why. Relaxed. He felt so many things he couldn't explain, and didn't want to explain. Everything seemed to give him a break. And he smiled like he never did before, between the tears. These words may not have been written for him, they felt real. Sung like this, all of this. He couldn't help it. Feeling it too. Hearing every word and feel like they've been there only for them. Only to chase the nightmares away, and all the bad memories. It had started with smiles and winks. A jokes. But in the end, no joke could mean this much. And he pushed the guitar away when Tory finished, cupping his cheek to kiss him deeply, lovingly. Trying to put everything he had in it. Everything this made him feel. All the pain it took away and all the joy it brought. And he smiled. He smiled like he couldn't help it. He cried as well. Not getting it. Not caring at all. And for once in his life, Orion Rostand's brain didn't find the words to explain how he felt, even to himself.
Well, it still sounds pretty stupid. And I knew it was a saying, I'm not completely stupid, but... Sayings are, or most of them. Or just completely fucking absurd. They make things weirder than they should be.
"Here’s an idea. I’ll give you a photograph of one of my dragons, and you take the Knight Bus to Hogsmeade. Sneak back into Hogwarts through the gates, show your brother the picture, and I’ll pretend this never happened and carry on with my life. Deal?"
"Your dragons? Like, there's more than one? Isn't it dangerous? I mean, of course it is, they are. I'm not stupid, I read about these, but won't they start reproducing and making even more ferocious dragon babies if you keep them all in one place or something? That could be dangerous, if you don't keep track of the new ones and they fly away to set fire to things. Not cool at all. And I don't really like the Knight Bus. I'm pretty sure it doesn't even go farther than Hogsmeade anyways, with the charms to protect the school and all. I think I'll just... I don't know, wait for the instructor to get where I disappeared. And wait to see a dragon because that'd seriously be cool. But I can't say no to the picture!"
She rolled her eyes, taking the boy’s arm and leading him away from the reserve. “Perhaps you should go get a job in dragon care and maybe you can come back when you’ve got enough experience not to get your arm bitten off, aye?"
"Yeah, no. Singing and Quidditch are my thing. I just wanted a picture or... Something to show my little brother. I don't know, I've just seen the thing. I still have no idea why the hell I ended up here. And judging by your accent we're in Ireland. No idea how to go back. Damn. But yeah, I appeared here and I have no idea how to go back to Hogwarts, but while I'm here a picture of dragons wouldn't be too bad, because Tim loves these and that'd be fun to show him or to see these or something. Ireland is kind of boring, if you forget about the music, but dragons are pretty cool!"
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