I will never say that I was perfect. I know all of my flaws and insecurities. I have admitted them endlessly to you. I should’ve left you alone, and I’m sorry I never did. I was so hell bent on trying to fix our relationship that I didn’t see I was only pushing you further away.
It’s true. I did get mad at you for things I should not have gotten mad at you about. Those were my insecurities being projected onto you, and I shouldn’t have. I didn’t know how to stop arguing. I never felt you ever understood or I never felt like I could convey it the way I needed to especially when I never got the response I wanted from you. The more I tried to explain it to you, the more it sounded like I was just going in circles and trying to upset you. I knew all of that. And still I did that to you, right until the very end and even after.
I truly am sorry for the way that this ended. I never wanted our story to end. But it had to because that was no way to love each other. It began to feel like we would thrive in the good times, but waited for the next fight, until we started resenting each other for them. I wish I was strong enough to have left first. I wish I had more self-respect and to have not let it get that bad. I was convinced that it was love and I would never find a love like yours.
Though thinking about it now, I don’t think you ever really loved me. I think you loved the thought of me and all the things I gave you.
I gave you everything. I gave you all that I had and all that I was. I was giving you all the things that I wanted to receive and how to be treated. Whether that was asking you everyday what you wanted for lunch, getting hotel rooms just to spend time with you, to always listening to all your trauma from your ex, and offering ways to help you and your kids. After all that I did, I had to beg for the bare minimum. Begged you to hold me at night, begged you to be more affectionate, begged you to act like you cared about me when I was crying or sick, begged you to make a post of our anniversary, and always begged you to give me better kisses. But these were the things that you had suddenly stopped doing after 5 months of the relationship.
I was not treated like a girlfriend. I was treated like I was being used and received breadcrumbs of affection and called it love. You said you told CC her boyfriend was a keeper because he gave her flowers, but you NEVER gave me flowers. I guess I should’ve taken that a hint.
You would always point out all the money you spent on me. I had to hear from someone that you complained about the money you spent on our anniversary date. A date that meant so much to me. A date that I ended up having to beg for too. I never asked you to take me to fancy restaurants or buy me fancy things. But you always made it seem like I was the one spending your money. I used my car. I bought my own gas most of the time. I would pay for weekend dinners from time to time, but I admit I would be selfish and not offer to pay for them most of the time only because of getting lunch for most of the week. But you’d ask why I never got water instead of coke every single time.
That was something you’d always say you were “joking” about, and no matter how many times I told you I didn’t like that joke, you still made them. So maybe they really weren’t jokes to you. Rather than fight with you every single time about that, I let it slide, just like most of the things you’d say to me.
You would say the meanest things to me just because you were angry or because I wouldn’t let go of an argument, but most of the time that I kept arguing with you, you would say something rude and disrespectful and to defend myself I’d keep arguing. For that your #1 line was I found something to be mad at because you were mad, not because all the shit you told me. Somehow every single argument was my fault. You’d turn everything onto me, every single time. You’d always say you apologized, but a “but” always followed. I never called you names or said hurtful things to you. I only ever pointed out how you made me feel and how you would treat me. I admit. I never knew how to leave an argument alone, and that part I will admit played a big part of why we didn’t work.
I ended up resenting you for never letting me speak my mind or talk back to you and give you the same energy you’d give me. Every time I started to point out everything that you did or said, you’d NEVER want to hear it. You’d always cut me off, hang up, leave, or threaten to break up. But for the sake of keeping what I thought was love, I backed down and apologized every single time. I know I had a part in this big disaster of a relationship.
But what I will not accept is that I was the only reason why it got to this point. I let you walk all over me. I let you make comments about the way I ate, the way I acted, the way I talked. As if everything I ever did was a joke, disrespectful, or as if I had the worst table etiquette.
I let you break me down and that it was always your way or the highway. I walked on more eggshells than you did with me. To sum up all of my reasons for getting mad at you, I only called you out on the shift in the energy you had towards me. Whether it was being short with me, answering the phone weird, talking to other people more than you wanted to talk to me. Thinking back on it now, I wish I was more secure to not have looked at small details like that.
That is another insecurity I will acknowledge. I know my emotions get the best of me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt anger the way I felt with you. It made me do things I never thought I’d do. It turned me into someone I never wanted you to see. I always had impulse control issues, but not in the way I had with you. That is something I will admit that I am going to change for myself.
As for the eggshells I had to walk on. I could never talk back to you, I could never disagree with you because you’d think I was defending something you were mad at, I could never ask you what was wrong. You’d get mad at me for skipping songs, not looking at you every time you talked to me, not getting you the drink or pizza you wanted and was called selfish for it. You’d point out my quirks and treated them like they were flaws, like they were the worst part about me. Looking back on things, every time I hung out with my friends, you’d give a cold shoulder, and I’d always have to make sure you weren’t mad, but subconsciously that’s why I stopped hanging out with them, and just disguised it as being madly in love.
Not everything was bad. You once treated me like you loved me. I laughed more than ever when I was with you. You always opened the door for me, and never let me walk on the side closest to the road. I loved you for the father that you were. I loved you for the kids that you were raising. You always stood up for me even when I wasn’t around. You always made sure I got home. You always included me in your life. You always made me feel safe and like you wouldn’t let anything hurt me.
I will never say that I had nothing to do with the way that things ended. I will say that this is not how I ever imagined that this relationship would’ve went, and this is a love I never want to feel again. I let you take pieces of me every time I apologized, and I told myself that every single time. For the sake of keeping my best friend and saving myself from the worst heartbreak, I let everything happen the way it did. I’m sorry for all the ways I broke you down. I’m sorry for all the eggshells you had to walk on. I’m sorry for all the money you spent on me. I’m sorry for not being secure enough with myself to: 1. treat you the way that I did and 2. for not respecting myself enough to let you treat me the way that you did. For a year, we held each other back. Both too stubborn to be the one to give up on a fight, on a relationship that soon began serving no purpose other than, at least for me, teaching us what not to allow in what was supposed to be a loving, caring, building relationship.
I loved you in a way that I didn’t want to let go of. I never have to worry if I didn’t fight for you enough, because I fought through it all. It took a lot of reflection to see where things were never going to work and where things were not worth fighting for. For that I thank you for all of the good times and good things about you. For letting me be me, for loving me the only way you could, for letting me be a part of your journey. For the lessons I learned in the disrespect I called love.
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