Vi / Dusa @idontknow-asktompls-blog - Tumblr Blog

particles / nothing but thieves

The best battle I’ve faced is being alone... lol I mean... really I realize how important it is to choose self over settling. This world has so much to offer and I’ve only seen a piece of it. I shouldn’t give that up for anyone ever. I don’t wanna change who I am or what I want from this world because some man or woman has entered my life. I shouldn’t have to change at all. I should be able to be myself unapologetically. I should be able to love. Travel. Mingle with other creators. Grow. I should be able to be free still. I should be able to have free will. I don’t want to share my world if it’s only gonna be polluted with judgement or constant fear of something new. Fuck being traditional. Shit doesn’t always have to be so same same.

Anyways.

I just want a bond in my life that feels real. That doesn’t feel draining. I want to feel like I’m missed. Wanted. And genuinely. I mean it’s cool I get vibes of interest in me by men all the time. I’ve gone on a couple of dates and I’ve spent some nights but. I just don’t feel wanted. I don’t feel missed. I don’t feel like my time is being enjoyed. Let alone am I being understood. Most people don’t even give me a week .. haha I’m so mixed up all the time this is my head

One day I’m feeling it feeling vibes next moment I’m realizing that’s all I’m gonna feel for that moment that time. It’s “great”

So in conclusion, being alone is dope.

My eyes tell more than everything.

I’m not meant for love. I’m meant to give it. Never to receive it without paying a price. Never allowing myself to be myself or hurt. Just always on everyone’s side.

I’ve been using this app to keep me in line with my purpose and spirituality. And it’s weird how things are changing in my life while I use this app. I barely use Instagram. Tbh I delete it from time to time to get a few days away before I post my captivating moments of my journey. And important messages I’ve learned But I don’t know... I honestly am not even trippin off none of that shit

I’m still learning self control. How to realize that there’s nothing in this world that you should be pushed by if it’s not going to make you happy in the long run. I still cry. Mother’s Day is still hard for me. My kid would be 4? I’ll be honest I want to remember but I made myself forget. I can’t remember a lot about anything recent but I would like to .. to really get closure. So I can find serenity in myself and not thru other people’s words. All I remember is “you’re doing the right thing for you” “sacrifice is hard, but later in life this will just be a memory” no really.. this is all I remember.

How the fuck did I get right back here ? (I never really left let’s be real) I never really left.. let’s be real. I still dream about you. I just don’t talk about you because I long to make things right the right way. I want things to be mutual and for just us. I messed up a lot by talking a lot and being a inconsiderate mean person. Because when I hurt I let everything that hurt me be my weapon to hurt others. I don’t know why I personally can’t get over you. I feel like I write about this more than I talk about it. How do you tell the people the one person that should have scared me away .. kept me going. Geez I’m crying because I like someone so much and I can’t do SHIT about it. Whew Chile, the audacity.

It was like a movie.. he stood in the window to greet me. And I , once seen it in a dream. As I lay here I wonder if any of this means anything. I wanted to hold him for so long. It felt like the world was looking out for me. Am I crazy? Does it matter anymore ?

I’ve become better at fighting off the black outs.

I know I’m not perfect but I guess I’m not good enough either. I wish everything with you worked out but .. nothing I ever want works .. even if I keep it quiet. Sorry.

I’ve masturbated 10 times yesterday , am I okay? Are you okay? Lmao

Haha my favorite part about all of this is the middle finger right to my face

I don’t wanna do this shit anymore bruh fuck life.

It’s apparent Nobody can talk to me but love to talk about me or at me.

I don’t think that all of this is coincidence it’s the universe fucking with me but bitch you better calm this shit down because I need to fucking rest.

Always horny with nobody to sex because I’m a mess :)

Couldn’t find anything to hurt myself so I’m posting this because can tell myself I’m garbage and this is exactly why I’m alone. Bye. Sorry to bother you.

I’m not afraid to die because I’ve already died.

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Vi / Dusa