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The Barbie Theory Part 1 of 2: Timeline

The way I see it, there are five eras in the Barbie movies: Ancient, Historical, Present, Near Future, and Postmodern. Strung together they make up the timeline of the Barbie universe, from its inception to its death.

Ancient

In the beginning there were fairies, but they were not meant to last.

The first beings to rule the earth in this universe were not humans, but fairies. They lived alongside mermaids, enjoying magic of all sorts. There were many different kinds of fairies: rainbow, butterfly, crystal, to name a few. They were hardly at peace with each other, there are plenty of instances where people try to unjustly usurp power such as in Fairytopia, or provoke war with neighboring factions such as in Mariposa and the Fairy Princess. Certain kinds also had natural predators (Mariposa) and they were extremely dependant on the natural environment (Fairytopia: Mermaidia). Their societies were fragile.

By the time we get to the historical era titles, fairies are mostly gone, or at least hidden. Where did the humans come from?

They’re wingless fairies like Elina. While Elina scored some wings by the end of her first film, not every fairy is going to get that lucky. Some of these people grew bitter at being rejected by fairy society and chose to form a place of their own. Somewhere where they could live their lives free of ridicule.

They learned to build tools to compensate for their lack of magic. Their technology got better, yet their resent for their magical cousins remained. This conflict eventually escalated into a war. Perhaps this was already happening during the events of Mariposa, with Henna conspiring to decimate the Butterfly Fairy populations by removing their primary protection from the Skeezites. Laverna could have agreed to use the water poison to massacre the mermaids in Mermaidia. The wingless end up winning this war, and the fairies go into hiding, practically extinct.

Historical

Old wars forgotten, magic makes its way back to the world

We fast forward to the middle ages and magic is still fairly abundant, albeit hidden. In this era we see two instances where humans are let back into the realm of magic: Swan Lake and Diamond Castle. Interestingly enough, both of these take place during the middle ages (based on clothing styles of the peasants (Barbie’s looks are pretty anachronistic) and the architecture) which is the earliest of all the “historical” movies.

In Swan Lake Odette stumbles upon a hidden forest where she discovers she’s the only one who can defeat an ancient evil. She succeeds and marries into royalty.

In Diamond Castle the Diamond Wives are sent on a quest to stop another ancient evil, and in return are given flowers that grow diamonds. By the end they become close with the kingdom’s heirs.

You’ll notice that from here on out, magic is strongly associated with royalty. These two royal families that have knowledge of magic will come to shape the course of history until the end of time.

I personally think that the 12 dancing princesses are related to Odette because of both their magics’ emphasis on hidden realms. Annaliese is also in this line, her mother’s name is Genevieve and the timing works.

Present

Magic still thrives in the dark

It’s unsurprising that Barbie is the next person to be brought into the world of magic. In Thumbelina, Fashion Fairytale and A Fairy Secret Barbie gets a glimpse of the hidden world. Away from humans, and away from each other, fairies have evolved.

One very noticeable thing is that two out of the three types of fairies we see in this era are wingless. Perhaps it wasn’t a random mutation but instead the natural progression of their evolution. By now we know there’s got to be some outside force pushing everything along, making sure the plots tie up neat and that the right people are chosen for the right thing. It’s hardly a stretch to say this force is influencing how fairies evolve.

In Thumbelina we learn that Barbie is aware of the Twillerbees, a race of wingless fairies with the ability to influence how plants grow. These seem the most unchanged from the fairies of Fairytopia. They even seem to have regressed a bit, their powers aren’t as strong and their society is far less complex. This is likely a result of them deliberately avoiding the human world. They know nothing about it so they have nothing to emulate.

Contrast that with the Flairies and the Fairy Illuminati, who not only are aware of humanity, but actively try to influence the course of its history. The Flairies do it in a minor way, they just want to influence fashion. The Fairy Illuminati on the other hand? They keep tabs on all major government leaders and celebrities. Perhaps they want to be on top again.

Near Future

Magic is a privilege for the 1%

In Barbie’s era the world might have seemed like ours politically, but it was not. In this universe there were no political revolutions, at least none that succeeded. Monarchy remained the standard system of government, likely with the help of some ancient artifacts and winged friends. Now in the not so distant future (relative to our day) we see how society has been shaped by this crucial change.

There are many smaller kingdoms, rather than few large countries. Heirs and wealthy children are sent away to learn how to govern effectively but they remain mostly ignorant of their subjects’ concerns (Princess Charm School, Princess & the Popstar). It is an unjust system and the people know, but there’s nothing they can do about it.

We see in Rock'n Royals that the royal families have managed to replicate certain magical objects: every royal child has a magic scepter. We also see this Princess Charm School with the magic crown. It’s possible humans did this, (after all, ingenuity is probably our most important trait) but I think it’s more likely that these were gifts from the fairies. They now operate as a shadow government, giving royalty magic weapons and tools in exchange for political influence.

In all the magic societies we see here, people are prospering. The conflict never comes from inequality or suffering from the masses, it comes from people trying to usurp the throne. LIterally every time. So while there is conflict amongst the ruling class of the magic people, their masses don’t suffer. But they do in the human world.

Postmodern

Eons later the universe tries make things right

There are only two titles here, and they couldn’t be more different: Magic of the Pegasus, and Starlight Adventure. I can see your confusion, “What is Pegasus doing here? It takes place sometime in… Well sometime around.. not the future!”. But it does take place in the future. There’s a reason no one can pinpoint the era it’s from.

Pegasus takes place in one of two timelines that diverged in between this era and the last. I like to think it came from an attempt to stop the ruling class from ever getting their hands on magic. The leaders of a class revolution stole some time-altering magical artifact from a royal family and used it to stop Odette and the Diamond Wives from succeeding. But time travel is messy, and they didn’t really do it right. Their version of Earth got cast into a sort of pocket dimension where time converged on itself and created a world with elements from many different points in history. That’s why nothing is consistent in the costuming and royalty doesn’t have magic. The magic people are still hidden, they just don’t have any windows to the human world.

But time travel really only works if you make a new timeline. That’s why Starlight exists. It’s the natural progression from where we left off. Eventually space travel gets big and people become mostly removed from magic. Human ingenuity reigns supreme again and technology booms. But the universe doesn’t last forever and heat death is imminent. So that force that’s been pushing everything along finally does what it intended to do from the beginning and wakes magic up again. It’s goal is to stop the universe from dying, and it knows magic can do that. So it made sure some magic people made their way across the universe and were in position to make things right when the time came. So Barbie saves the universe, for another era at least.

So the chronological order of the films is:

Barbie: Fairytopia

Barbie Fairytopia: Mermaidia

Barbie: Mariposa

Mariposa and the Fairy Princess

Barbie Fairytopia: Magic of the Rainbow

Barbie of Swan Lake

Barbie & the Diamond Castle

Barbie as Rapunzel

Barbie in the 12 Dancing Princesses

Barbie as the Princess and the Pauper

Barbie and the Three Musketeers

Barbie as the Island Princess

Barbie in the Nutcracker

Barbie in A Christmas Carol

The Barbie Diaries

Barbie: Spy Squad

Barbie: A Fashion Fairytale

Barbie: A Fairy Secret

Barbie: A Perfect Christmas

Barbie & Her Sisters in A Pony Tale

Barbie Presents: Thumbelina

Barbie: Video Game Hero

Barbie & Her Sisters in The Great Puppy Adventure

Barbie & Her Sisters in A Puppy Chase

Barbie: Dolphin Magic

Barbie in the Pink Shoes

Barbie in A Mermaid Tale

Barbie in A Mermaid Tale 2

Barbie: Princess Charm School

Barbie: The Princess & the Popstar

Barbie in Rock'n Royals

Barbie: The Pearl Princess

Barbie and the Secret Door

Barbie in Princess Power

Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus

Barbie: Star Light Adventure

#bruh thankyou

nyancrimew

reblog this rat until staff gets involved

#boop the snoot #rat #rats

chocoperrito

You should doodle a rat >_< !! /nf

-🌈

rat and rat soaring

idreaminpink

ahh these are some cute rats!! @chocoperrito

#rats #Rat rating 10/10

barbie-movie-reviews

The Barbie Theory Part 2 of 2: Barbie is God

Ah, fuck it here you guys go. This is easier than college application essays.

Some opening remarks:

So, if you still have a functioning brain you might recall last November when I posted the first part of The Barbie Theory, which claimed that all Barbie movies take place in the same universe and do in fact have a consistent timeline. I am aware that it has been seven months, but I'm sure you guys have heard that time isn't real so the delay really doesn't matter. This post is going to be about 60% more unhinged than my usual writing style but bear with me, I've got a point.

Theory time baybee:

Have any of you guys ever played a Zelda game? I've only actually played one (BotW), but from my understanding of the series as a whole, there isn't really a concrete timeline linking them all together. The stories don't feed into each other. Instead, each game features a new incarnation of Link and Zelda (and also Gannon/dorf? not totally sure about him). They're all reincarnated and have similar roles in each time, Link saves the world, Zelda does some magic, die repeat ad infinitum.

The cyclical hero is a surprisingly common trope in fiction (AtLA, She-Ra, The New Testament, etc) and it's one that I love a lot. The fundamental constant of these universes is that there are two or more forces in a constant struggle against each other. In my Zelda example: Link, Zelda, and Gannon/dorf represent the three parts of the Triforce (courage, wisdom, and power respectively) which are pretty important forces in-universe. The universe manifests the progress of these concepts and ideologies by creating the Hero/es to oppose one of them. I've wondered for a while why I like these stories so much. Maybe it's my inner need to cling to constants in this chaotic and unforgiving universe, maybe I like the angst and reality of knowing that evil doesn't end when you kill it, maybe it's just a flavorful enough variation of The Chosen One that I can pretend it's high brow literature. Regardless, it's a good one.

Anyway, you've probably guessed by now that I think Barbie is a cyclical hero.

"But barbie-movie-reviews!" you say, "Aren't all the movies meant to be movies in-universe and Barbie just acts in all of them?". I hear you young reader, and I am aware of this. I watched Fashion Fairytale on repeat when I was seven, just like the rest of you. But I must ask you to trust me on this, I will explain in all due time.

In the BCU, the struggle looks like a pretty cut-and-dry "good vs. evil", but I think it's a bit more complicated than that. If you recall my timeline, the cycle starts with Fairytopia. The world is full of magic, and the first non-magical beings are appearing. The Barbie is one of them, and she helps to placate anti-magic sentiment amongst the fey long enough for more non-magic beings to appear, who would eventually become the humans and drive the fey into hiding. As the eras pass, The Barbie of each story almost always has a role in guiding magic or preserving it in some way. Finally, we get to the split end of time (if you haven't read part one you're confused I know) and her roles are to 1) stop evil from usurping the throne in the fey world, which would crumble the meager civilization they'd preserved (Magic of the Pegasus), and 2) Stop the "big rip" end-of-the-universe scenario by re-introducing magic (or dark energy if we want to use proper astronomy terms) (Star Light Adventure).

The Barbies' job is ultimately to make sure the universe ends with magic still in it and to do that, every event in the universe had to progress the way it did. Each era had its own cosmic significance. If this is true, this means whatever is scattering Barbie across the universe has to have some ultimate knowledge of time. I think whatever this force is doesn't experience time the way we do so any point in time could be the end or the beginning for it.

This is relevant I promise.

So okay, each Barbie is an incarnation of the same being. Yes, this means she interacts with herself sometimes, yes this means she's given birth to herself (Queen Genevive of Princess and the Pauper being the same Princess Genevive from 12 Dancing Princesses is a hill I'm prepared to die on), and the reason for It All is to guide magic to where it's supposed to be. Great. So why the fuck do we have in-universe movies about them all?

Detour that will eventually loop around into an answer to the previous question time!

Let's discuss Barbie Prime (Henceforth abbreviated as Barbie*). Recall this era of the barbie theory:

The one that deals with Barbie* herself. In these movies her name is Barbie and they take place in some variation of Nowadays. Obviously, they are all about the same person. Let's break down her story.

Barbie* was the child of neglectful parents. She had three sisters, but no way to take care of them on her own. As a normal teenager living in Wisconsin, she didn't have a source of income beyond a minimum-wage after-school job. Things were bad.

Until she got an idea. It was a story about a girl, a nutcracker, and a fantasy world hidden in a mousehole. She wrote it down movie script style because that was how it came to her. But as the story flowed from her fingers to the keyboard, it was less like she was creating it and more like... she was remembering it. When it was finished she sold it to a movie studio in LA on the pretext that she would star in it. This shouldn't have worked, but the stars aligned in her favor, she'd soon realize they always would when the time was right. At 15 she was old enough to be emancipated from her parents. With proof of substantial income and some help from the stars she managed to gain the custody of her sisters too, and they were off to LA.

Time passed and Barbie* wrote script after script, every time she needed something new she would find some memory of a story hidden in the back of her mind like a forgotten dream. Eventually, she'd fall out with the director of one of her films and fight her way to directing her own movies. She made them a bit softer after this, she didn't really like the real world knowing too much about what it was like in those worlds she used to be a part of.

She struggled to parent her sisters, but she found time to take them on vacation and she made sure they went back home often enough, despite the bad memories.

The magic in her mind would seep into her own world too. She discovered several fae realms, populated by both winged and wingless varieties. She felt a bit saner writing these stories down, and much more genuine acting in them. As she grew older, her own adventures became more mundane: chasing puppies around Hawaii and running after the perfect horse in the hills of Switzerland. But just when she'd start to doubt herself too much she'd get sucked into a videogame or rescue a mermaid. Seeing Isla transform the same way she-, no, Merliah, had in her memories somehow made them feel more real.

Eventually, she'd write them all down and bring them all to life. She felt an overwhelming sense of peace seeing them exist concretely.

Okay fanfiction over, here's the point:

Barbie* was some sort of conduit for all the other Barbies scattered across time. It was her job to record her own history.

So that's it. That's how I contextualized the movies when I did the reviews. If you like it, great! If you don't, great! Tell me why.

This whole thing is kinda dumb but that's why we're here, to do dumb things and die happy about them.

Anyway if you guys want me to rewrite The Secret Door as the queer coming-of-age psychological horror film it was meant to be, let me know and I'll get around to it sometime before I finish my first degree.

So in short, reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, and the moon is a planet. Bye!

#again this is great

junkfoodcinemas

Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022) dir. Daniel Kwan, Daniel Scheinert

intricatecakes

if u are reading this i am pouring positive vibes on u from a lil watering can

idreaminpink

thankyou

hisnameislinguine

the best rat i ever saw

idreaminpink

i miss him :(

simpsons-latino

420stuffs

This is Money Marge. Reblog for a miracle of finances to come to you

💰💵

partywithponies

Headcanon that in the new good future where Marty McFly never has his accident, he does become a famous musician, while still going on time travel adventures with Doc, and then when the internet comes along, people on forums and message boards start discovering and posting photos of people in the past who look eerily like famous rock star Marty McFly, and as time goes on, “Marty McFly is a time traveller” becomes one of the biggest and most long running memes on the internet.

When Doc finds out he freaks out and panicks and makes blog posts (because of COURSE Doc runs a blog) talking about how UTTERLY RIDICULOUS the idea of a time travelling rock star is, which the internet finds hilarious and only makes the meme spread more.

Marty meanwhile thinks the whole thing is the funniest thing ever and is just wheezing at every new forum or jokey article about it, and directly addresses the meme in interviews, bringing up this “crazy conspiracy” that people have, until eventually he can just say things like “well of course I am a time traveller” or “oh you like my hat? Thank you I got it in the 1910s”, and people just crack up, and Marty cracks up too because no-one realises that he’s not even lying.

partywithponies

When Marty starts doing this Doc’s blog posts get even more annoyed and passive aggressive, saying things like “even if time travel WAS possible, a SENSIBLE time traveller would KEEP OUT OF THE PUBLIC EYE and not just TELL EVERYONE LIVE ON TV”

Eventually a secondary meme starts up where people start joking “Doctor Emmett Brown is a time traveller himself and that’s why he’s so worked up about it” and Doc very nearly just deletes his blog and throws his computer in a skip.

U ever just gay... Cause mood