✨🍄Averie🍄✨ @idyllicsunrise - Tumblr Blog

Shattered dreams

I don't even know where to start.

The last few months to a year have just been getting over one hurdle after another. It was like this immense demise that I just had to keep adjusting to at every corner. Now, I'm finally in a good place but I'm still mad at the people that had a lot to do with it. like white hot anger that just hasn't simmered down but I can't be bothered to force it to.

THEn. Then I found mr sexy. UGH He's lip bite hot. Like heart skips and dumbify hot. to me anyways. and I haven't felt that way in such a long time. It was like a high. It was so nice to just have that to brighten my day for a few weeks.

Well tonight I found out he has a girlfriend. Are you fricking kidding me!

Just when I thought he was trying to convey a mutual feeling. He even called her lover in his post. Like I can't help but feel mad and heartbroken and sad and disappointed. It's not like it was going to go anywhere. but still, those little moments and fantasies in my head have to die now.

It was so fun. because I felt seen. Not even by him per se. Just to myself. This little crush made me feel cute and seen for a minute. Something to look forward to. Even just to see him in the hallway or at work.

Now, I'm stuck with feelings I know are never going anywhere but straight to the trash where they belong. This is why I don't do crushes. The fall is always so devastating.

Which is another pattern I keep noticing. Its always crushes and what ifs but never a full blown fling or relationship. Never anything to run home and tell the girls about.

I guess I'm just also completely devastated that there's still absolutely no romance on the table for me. not even a crumb.

It feels like being told to your face over and over again that the party I want to go to is not inviting new guests. That this cool exclusive club that keeps a body guard at the door is specifically to tell me I’m not allowed to enter. Ever.

At a certain point, I just started thinking its me. It has to be me. That's the common denominator. Then I just full on push myself into my own personal glorified pity party.

I'm gonna buy myself a box of wine and perhaps cry into my computer again tomorrow night. But even that gets boring after a while.

Yelling and cursing into the night when you know no one else is there to help you process the emotions. Even then, where do we go from there?

I just wish something romantic would happen to me for once. A calm, beautiful but amazing fling or romance filled with tension and almost unspoken words. Nights of just walking and looking into each others eyes as we talk about nonsense until we fall asleep.

Someone to make me laugh, and make me feel beautiful again. Being single is nice but I have nothing to compare it to. It's the only mode of my existence I've ever known. It's fucking bullshit to hear other people say that single life is the best cause I can do what I want whenever I want.

Well what if I want to be able to check in with someone about what I'm doing (to an extent) and what if I want someone I can come to at the end of my days and rant and discuss things with.... This is such a WHEN IS IT MY TURN!?!?! type of post but whatever. It's my blog.

But you know what? I’m going to be okay. There are some good things about being single, but having a romantic partner and to be part of a couple… well, I think it would be nice to experience.

Hm. I always come back to this argument (with myself). There are just times when I cant escape the thought of wanting someone to love me and cherish me. Its insufferable because no matter what I do, that feeling never goes away. And then I just see couples everywhere and it doesn’t help the hopeless feeling I have. I cant just positive think my way out of it or pretend to be patient. I don’t want to wait anymore.

- yours truly,

Insane psycho/hopeless romantic

Hangover blues

ugh. Oh MY GOD!!!!

I have such brain fog today! I never knew a hangover could last this long. I hate myself for over doing it. To be fair on myself I haven't overdone it like this in a couple years now. Which was when I decided that doing myself in like that never works out. I used to stay out until the sun came up and most of the time I would cry. like I did this last time.

Ugh. I am so mad at myself. there is always this checklist of things you don't talk about and I managed to talk about every single one of them. on the bright side it was to people I don't care about. but idk why I do that. Especially when I'm hungover. I just let those imaginary opinions get to me.

What I am so so so grateful for tho is never having to be in the situation where I drink with coworkers again. I don't have to be so scared to go to work because I won't be seeing any of my coworkers out on the weekend.

I also think this whole hangover situation is just me, reliving the same lesson I know how to get out of again. you know? Like now I'm just in this, I gotta start focusing on myself mentality to get myself where I need to be mentally but I'm basically already there. so where is there left to go, when you know you are where you need to be but your body needs catching up after completely just draining the battery? I just keep going.

you gotta keep going because you can't stay in the cave. that's where the energy draining is coming from. it may be comfortable but it's never going to get you where you want to be. for me, I have to go to work and I have to move on and get going to the next stop. sure, I embarrassed myself a little bit but who doesn't? Drunk me isn't real, sober me. The things I talked about well, it's just cause I have nothing else I want to talk about. its like every interesting thing about me gets pushed back into the invisible corners of my brain and the only thing left to talk about are the things I don't or shouldn't talk about in my real sober life. I get preachy. and selfish. and not funny. it's like I'm gone and replaced by someone I don't know. which is weird. cause of how often you hear about how the drunk you says things that sober you wants to say. but I've already said this stuff. I've already decided it doesn't do anything for me anymore. So why?

I think it's boredom. wanting to talk about something. needing something but not knowing how to get there, so there's this short cut of super personal and sad shit that gets pushed out my mouth like vomit. It shouldn't even bother me that it's coming out to people who don't know me. won't talk to me the next day. Also, I'm not the only one who does that.

anyways, now that the weekend is over and I kind of have to force myself to function as an ordinary adult. I guess I can just blame it on being Monday, so I don't have to explain myself. as far as my coworkers know, I'm just really really tired today.

you know when you've decided to just stand in the rain. Let it hit your skin and soak your clothes. To just breathe in the petrichor. Like really breathe it in. You close your eyes.. face the sky and truly embrace the way the drops of rain feel slipping down your face, and how it feels hitting the surface of your skin while you think about how much fun it is to stop caring about the little things for just a few moments? that's how life feels right now. For five years, I stayed put somewhere that felt like a prison of my own design. I began to show blatant disregard for a job that wasn't fulfilling without even thinking about the repercussions. I hated that job so much that it became all I could think about. Leaving felt like another nightmare in itself. I was so scared about what would be out there without this job that I forgot that it was literally just a job. not my life.

But now, now I want to embrace the rain that's coming. Let it stick to me and cleanse me of the stresses that have now come to pass.

I don't know when It started. I can't pin point or track down when it happened and continued to happen until I found myself in a place where I have lost my way back to it.

I don't really even know if I ever had it.

everyone has the same 24 hours in a day, but mine slip away and it gets me so angry even as I see it happening. I want to have the gym routine, the meal preparation, the weight loss, the having of life on a track that feels so smooth.

I find it so hard to find a time to get the things done in a day. What I think is flawed about this whole way of thinking is that I think that I can wake up tomorrow, and have it all together if I just set myself up for it today. Maybe that is true for someone who has more energy than I do.

What I'm talking about is real life changes that don't happen in a day. Maybe its picking up a chore here and there and gradually adding more into it as I can see fit but I just want to have everything and the time to myself to write and read and walk with my dog and do the laundry and go to the gym and make supper and lunch and breakfast and be able to just be lazy and truly let myself be lazy.

I did more today than I thought I would. I knew I would do the dishes. I didn't think I was gonna tick off something on my mental to do list too.

I want to have it on paper. like sit down and figure out how I want to achieve this stuff. I kind of miss old school journaling when I would just sit down and write until I can't anymore. Until my fingers are cramped and misshaped in a way that is moulded to the pen I'm holding. Where every word matters so you don't end up with a ripped or messy page.

So, that's my next step. doing journalling on the page instead of somewhere I can't access the internet or just ramble until I just can't make sense anymore.

not that I won't ever. It's just, idk. There's something more profound and self identifying about taking a paper to pen and just practicing the written word.

Loud - Olivia Dean

I keep thinking about this relationship that happened. I don't miss him and I don't hate him either. I just feel a lot of compassion for that period in my life. it echos in my mind. especially when I hear this song. Lyrics like:

"Even now, I don't know when you let go, Or when it slipped away"

"And you weren't allowed. To come around and throw my heart about. To turn me on just to turn me down. And everything's unspoken now. I'm out, the silence is so loud"

"'cause we went straight to lovers, so we can't even talk as friends"

" I understand if you changed your mind about me, but all you had to do was say"

there really is nothing left to learn about it. there's nothing profound or hidden that I could have possibly seen while threading through every instance and interaction. This song, explains it exactly as it went. There was so much silence that it sometimes felt loud. The silence was the only thing I was given when he was mad.

I think looking back at it so often is just me, wishing I could go back and comfort that version of myself or see it all unfold again to just embrace those feelings again. to just feel that amazing sense of relief when it was really over and I was able to just scream and cry it out and absolutely get him out of my system. to be so absolutely broken that there was nowhere else to go but to face it and let it take hold of me. there's a sense of calm in it all. you know what's happening, and you know what to do with it. there was so so much uncertainty in that relationship that when I knew it was finally over... it was something concrete. I was finally able to sit with this feeling and name it as it is. Heartbreak and anguish. That was something he would never make me doubt. I was also just so so angry and being able to just let it out and get it off my chest... that was also freeing.

I think looking back, I am proud of how I handled it. No whining. No begging. just a clean cut and break and fall and finding solace in my own company again. figuring out how to get back to that place I was before or better yet, a place that was different but also familiar.

May 20

so yesterday was my birthday. it didn't feel like a special day or anything. I think that's what I wanted. Just to not have any expectations as to not be so disappointed when it never happened. it was just regular. There is a little bit of me that feels resigned to the fact that it's just never going to be special again. I've given up, essentially.

Now, I'm twenty eight. I started this blog when I was 21 or 22. that's a long time of bitching and complaining on a blog that no one ever reads, but that was the goal. To make a special little corner of the internet my own by spilling my thoughts and reflections so that it didn't weigh so heavily on my soul.

the thing with twenty eight, at least for me, is that everything is starting to feel permanent and I'm starting to realize that time is running out to fix my poor decisions or to even get started on this life I have envisioned for myself. When you're twenty, it's so easy to indulge on these things that make life feel fun for like five seconds because you have all this time in the world to be dumb and stupid. To get it out of your system before time runs out. Well I did that and I genuinely regret so much of it. Wasting my time just idling by and living in the moment did not prepare me for the rest of my life. Which I guess is okay, but now I just constantly feel like time is running out.

I don't want to waste more time by thinking about all of the things I could have done right because if I had seen it that way when I was younger, I would have done it. I think that's another thing I have to come to terms with. Acceptance and giving myself a little grace for living and learning even though at this point it feels too late. I want to spend the rest of my twenties building something. I want to build the version of me that I want to be in my thirties. ew.... my thirties. It's also laughable that I think that having your shit together is what your twenties are for.

I spent a lot of the past three or so years yearning and feeling envious towards a life I wanted and seeing others seemingly have that on the outside. The truth is, I don't know what those people deal with and I'm sure it's not all rainbows and butterflies.

Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of things I'm grateful to have. I have those moments where I'm just so glad to have what I have, but I also feel like I've outgrown this in such a small amount of time because I achieved it too late, and now I'm ready for the next thing.

When I was in the city over the weekend... ish... I went to this bar where college kids were in groups and laughing and having a good time. Observing it was just insightful. I mean here are these kids that know each other and want to spend time together and the only thing they might have in common are classes or mutual friends. Where I live, you are either related to people that know your friends, or you make friends you work with, or kids you met in high school. never friends you meet at the bar though, cause most of the time it's always people you went to school with that you intentionally lost touch with but when you're drunk you forget all about it and all of a sudden feel all of this warmth and empathy and excitement to tell that person what life is like for you now that you're grown. The thing is though, although it may feel more about getting connected again, it's still a very selfish motive when you think about it. I feel there is a lot of trauma and unresolved feelings that come out in bars because everyone knows everyone or you at least know someone that knows the someone you talk to at a bar and you just let the rumour mill come out while you're inebriated. it becomes embarrassing and then you pretend you don't see or know them in public. Sometimes you wish you had the balls to make a friendship. All of a sudden everyone is too shy for that or too socially awkward. but anyways, when I saw those groups in the pub, I felt as though I wanted to be in a place where I don't know every street and corner or who is related to who. I wanted to be the college kid in the groups and having a good time with random people that are now my best friends. Then I remind myself that I am older. I missed that time in my life because I was the girl in the bars letting the rumour mills come out to random people and making a fool of myself. allowing hangxiety to get to me every other weekend. Eating junk food and making it to my dead end job the next day. Going nowhere, and letting myself go absolutely nowhere. wanting more but never doing anything about it.

I think I'm done being that. I don't want to do that anymore. Now that I'm twenty eight, it's time to become the person I want to be. I've got a new job, and a new passion for life that I feel I can use to achieve my goals. it's time to stop letting time slip by.

April 30 - Ten Years

idk if this is a sign right before I write this post, but I pressed shuffle on my quiet playlist and the first song that comes up is "I'm still here".

so its been ten years. I thought it would feel a lot more real. Something tangible. I feel as though I'm pushing really hard to feel some type of way about it because it's this huge thing. Ten years without my cousin. Do I wonder what life would be like if he were still here? sure, who doesn't?

Being at that walk yesterday for him and his friends that died with him... It just brought me back to that girl that was grieving alone pretty much. Grieving mostly in bars and trying to push it all away with alcohol and crying when I'm too drunk because it doesn't help me forget at all. it reminded me of how low I went because of this devastating loss that I couldn't fathom accepting. I thought that there was no way I could survive the first year so I did things that helped it go by faster, but it didn't allow me to feel things the right way.

I hated being there, and I still hate it every time I'm reminded of it.

however, it also reminds me of how far I've come since that. I know it's not about me. I literally lost a family member who used to make life a little more comfortable. He made my first year in high school less anxiety ridden because no matter how much I got bullied, at 11:20 on the dot I would walk up to his locker to talk about it with him. He was the cousin that didn't like the idea of me smoking but if someone was gonna buy me my first pack of cigarettes it was gonna be him.

I think I looked up to him because we were so close in age, and he was the cool guy. Everyone loved him. I was always just a shadow. Too scared to speak up for myself. I remember him making this status about how he was so unsure of what he wanted to do in life, and that life after high school is tough because you see all of your friends or school mates(?) doing all of these cool things and they looked so sure of what they wanted. At the time, I knew for sure I wanted to be a journalist. I didn't know how, and I didn't know when, but I did know that this was something I wanted. But now, now that I'm almost 28 waiting on an offer from a bank idk if I even truly want as a career choice. I get it. I genuinely get it. What do I do with my life? I seen all these kids I went to school with go off and do something great and I let myself get stuck. now I just know what that feeling is like. I just wish he was here to figure it out for himself, and who knows maybe he did have it figured out but he didn't get the chance to go and live the life he was envisioning.

I wish he had the change to figure it all out, and I wish I was able to see what that would look like for him.

All of my memories of him are shadowed with grief, and trying to relive them doesn't make things better. it just creates this craving to go back to a time that no one lives in anymore. All of my memories just feel empty and meaningless.

if he is still here, seeing me write this.... I miss you, and I wish you didn't die. I feel a lot more okay about it now but this day every year since then it's just been hard. So I just try not to think about it too much. I've never really put thought into guardian angels and how that all works out, but I would be really really lucky to have him as one.

Summer Bucket list

start Crochet

I want to have more hobbies, other than reading. I feel like this would be a productive thing to do and who knows, if I get good enough I could sell my things. I feel like I would do good at it and I also just feel like it would be a nice comforting past time thing to do while I watch tv or something and it's a nice distraction from an already dry asf phone

Write more

I wanna see if I could make a short story. I want to write and get lost in words again but whenever I come back to it I always feel so robotic and trying too hard to be descriptive. I don't know how to construct a scene without just relying on the description of movement or the environment. So I wanna work on that.

Save up money for a car!

I realize I will have to get my license to do this, but I feel like I could easily get it done. I wanna be able to just go for a coffee or cruise whenever I want. There is so much freedom when it comes to having a car.

Quit smoking

or at least cut down a lot. I can't save up money for a car if I'm smoking a pack every three days. that's so fucking expensive. I write this while thinking about my next smoke and honestly I sometimes wonder what would happen if I never picked it up in the first place...

lose weight

I gained a lot of weight this past year. but to be fair, I dealt with a lot of changes. I went through heartbreak that eventually overshadowed my trip to Vegas. I still can't look at the photos. I lost motivation to go to school so I basically just faked my way through the semester. I moved out of a place I wasn't ready to say goodbye to yet. I got a puppy and lost my job. I had no money and got so desperate I took a loan from a company that's been begging me for months to take money from them. Now I'm working a stupid minimum wage job that's literally so dead end and beneath me because no one wants to hire a student right now. the pressure of not having a job is making me seriously question this decision to go back to school. however, I'm so much closer to being done than I ever expected myself and giving up just isn't an option. The thought of giving up makes me feel guilty. but I digress, I want to lose weight this summer because I have full faith that I can do it.

Go to the Foo Fighters concert

I know this isn't technically summer, cause the concert is in September, but I've been waiting for so long to be able to see them live. I genuinely can't wait and the best part is I'm going with my dad. This will be our third concert together going to see some pretty good rock bands.

Finish a series or two

I want to watch new shows. Right now I'm starting Reign. I also want to finish the entire MCU timeline. Right now I have to watch the Daredevil show season 2 and then more Jessica Jones. they're not boring but also not interesting enough. I love Charlie Cox as Daredevil so that's what keeps me hoooked. ugh, he's SO sexy man FR.

I don't have an official number yet, but I would like to finish the rest of the Hades and Persephone series I have. which I upset myself with by looking up reviews for the series. I'm not upset at the fact that people don't like them. it's that I fell in LOVE with this series and all the reviews are RIGHT about it. Some say the plot is too shallow and others say it's all smut. ugh. it's so disappointing and I just got the rest of the series a couple weeks ago too. Anyways, I would like to read the rest of that, and then maybe reread some books. the series has eight books so at least eight to maybe ten books. I want to finally read 1984 but it's really hard. I want to get Tuesdays with Morrie too because I keep seeing it or hearing it idk.

and that's it... for now I might add more

So I watched Dracula last night. and I am SO disappointed in how it went. First of all, the guy who plays Dracula was very weird and kind of ugly.. but at the same time also very attractive to me. Idk it's definitely not how he looks, but there was something about him. I think it was like his mannerisms or like this whole devotion to one woman and the look in his eyes when he was finally reunited with her. The yearning he portrayed in the film was kind of hot. Like I woke up and I'm still thinking about it even thought the ending was dumb as fuck.

Also, I expected there to be a whole lot more of this process of getting Mina (Elizabeta) to fall back in love with Dracula. I wanted a whole part of the movie dedicated to him just being romantic and reciting poems and slowly getting to fall in love all over again as if its the first time (Although it would only feel like it at first for her).

but NO that's actually not how it goes. He just gives her this stupid music box that she used to play to get his attention and then he walks her home. Then when that stupid priest and doctor are there tending to her sick and half alive fiancé, they spill his beans and she runs to her room to then pick up the music box and magically instantly remember her husband from another life. Idk, it just felt so rushed and there was no way for me to actually feel like she was remembering her past life in such a short amount of time. Anyways, they run away just for them to be found and he lets the priest kill him so she could have a full and happy life without him. LIKE BFFR

Are you JOKING me right now. He did ALL of that waiting and pining after a dead woman who he was waiting to reincarnate JUST for him to make her remember then allows himself to be killed.

bubbarnes

✨ just a tiny gift for the holidays, i guess ✨

idyllicsunrise

😵‍💫🤤🤤

Picking at Scabs

I was thinking about hunter the other day. well, recently. It comes and goes honestly. Sometime I look back and really miss that connection with someone, true or not.

I had something to look forward to. Something that made me feel so stable and secure in my place in the world. I know that's a lot to put on something fragile but for those almost two years, I felt so elated and certain about feelings I never knew I was capable of feeling for a person.

Anyways. I always look back and wonder why it was so easy to just accept what it was and move on. Sure, it was never a smooth trail to the other side of things but I still got there in a surprisingly short amount of time.

Then, I remember how often he just got to disconnect from me whenever he was upset or mad. how this long distance thing wasn't as intimate as it could have been but it was at my pace and I thought he was okay with that too.

I remember the first time he broke it off and how distraught and upset I was. How much I wanted it back that instant and how much I forgot about how shitty it was to be in that relationship. How much I made myself believe he was the one for me and this guy who was always meant to make his way to me. But, he was never that guy and looking back, it was really starting to show. Maybe his facade was starting to fade and he couldn't do it anymore. Who knows.

I'm rereading my posts and that entire relationship unfolding through them had be thinking that a little part of me still wants it to be that way but for the most part, I have moved on. I blocked him on everything and I am never really tempted to unblock and stalk. Cause I know he's not even wasting a second thinking about me.

The last time he ended it was so unbelievable that maybe that's what made me really just walk away and be done with it.

Maybe there is a lot of factors that go into and maybe it wasn't solely dependent on one thing or decision he made on his end or that I made on my end.

I do remember just feeling like I was never enough and that no matter how much I wanted it, I wasn't what he wanted. I am very proud of myself for just accepting it right away instead of keeping him around and making it harder on myself like I did the first time.

writing this, I still feel hurt that I got treated that way and just how unfair it was to myself to let someone treat me that way. How much the right person wouldn't dream of doing it to me. There is so much mixed emotions about how I feel about it now and I know it was for the better that we parted ways but it was this huge thing that happened and it was pretty much to only huge thing to happen in my love life in like my entire adult life. So yeah, I carry some huge feelings about it but day after day they will get smaller. I'll stop looking back and wondering what if or wishing I had all of it still.

Right now, obviously, those feelings are pretty huge and it feels like I'm picking at scabs just to feel something. Anything.

I just want to be wanted again.

I never know what to write about anymore, and I know the whole thing about it is to write until you find something to write about.

but I always end up in circles around what it is I would like to write.

I think I just start thinking too much or not enough and write just the most mundane and atrocious boring monologue about the stresses of my life.

Idk if it's like a depression or something that I'm in right now but whenever I'm alone I just start to feel this huge wave of what feels like midlife or existential crisis.

Like, last night I had a dream that - and I'm scared It'll come true by writing this but - I had a dream about my grandmother dying without me even saying goodbye. Even worse, It was while we were fighting. I started crying in my sleep and it was just the worst possible feeling in the world. I guess this has nothing to do with my existential crisis but It was something that really spooked me. I do think about it a lot about how everyone I know and love will die someday and that includes me. That kind of thinking just makes you wonder what can you possibly do to make sure that that eventual disaster or heartbreak is less hurtful or life threatening. I wish I could just.. and I fear I've said this before, but I wish I could just bottle up everything I love and always keep it beside me for the rest of my life so I never have to endure life without them. I think that's one of my top fears. Going through it alone, without the people or familiar warmth that I've so delicately wrapped myself around for my entire life. Like, one day I will move out of this town, away from everything I've ever known and I will have to figure out life without these crutches that I've clung myself to so that life doesn't feel so scary.

what I've realized is, that those things that makes life seem so scary are also things that make it so much more fulfilling. those mistakes and regrets and possibly doubtful decisions and fears are worth facing because in the end I get to say those experiences made me feel less like a hollow shell of a person just floating around in this nothingness I've set up for myself thus far.

Nothing is certain, nothing is forever. However, I just kind of wish that I could hold on to it or store it somewhere safe for the days that life feels more scary than I can handle. In ten years from now, when I have his successful career and hopefully a good group of friends and my sister around me... I hope I make it a life worth living. A life that I could look back and wish I could tell this version of me that life was scary, but those scary decisions lead me to lead this beautiful life that I've been envisioning since I was a little girl.

I'm going to be 28 this year. being 38 in ten years is a scary thought. I've never been one to harp on about age or even think about it too long because thinking about how old I am doesn't really do anything for me. It doesn't change my mood or make me think any certain way about anything in my life. I just am here in the present and sometimes it's good and sometimes it's bad. Living in the present has, for me up until this point, brought me into this type of living that I was so desperate to get away from. Instead of building and thinking productively I thought about what Hair color I wanted that month or what expensive types of shampoo and conditioner should I try this month and never touch again, or smoking my life away either with cigarettes or weed. I also was too busy thinking about going to the bars and meeting boys who weren't even giving me five second glances. I was so worried about what people here were doing that I wasn't even concerned in the slightest about what I would be doing in the next five years. Being in the present has only really kept me anchored. I spent the present imagining a life that I wanted without actually making the progress to get there. Here I am, ten years later with almost nothing to show for it. No experiences, no fulfilling place in my life.

Maybe its a universal experience for students and maybe this is something that just happens when it feels as though you're not progressing towards anything but just... in sort of limbo between here and the next stage in life.

I've thought about giving up so much this year, but only because I lost my job and I have no source of income after April. I feel like that's the biggest source of this depression. I don't know what I'm going to do. What skills do I even have? maybe it is a good thing that I switch jobs anyways... maybe they did me a favour. I absolutely hated working there and it made me feel so stupid. Like actually made me feel stupid because although this place is like a higher established customer service location, there really is not much to it. I never wanted to move upwards towards anything because I Thought it was pointless. Working there felt like the same boring bullshit day in a day out. Maybe at my next job, I will maybe feel like I'm doing something productive.

this felt nice to get out.

h-0-error

I’ve been revisiting my Bucky obsession… what can I say…

(miss the old Marvel ngl)

Prompt: Name something you know will change your life but can't bring yourself to do.

First off, there are a lot of things I could do to change my life. So let me list them: - Get my driver's licence

I feel like I could do this, and even if I keep failing I could probably do it until I get it right. I just hate tests and I hate failing. Driving with an official driving instructor gives me so much anxiety that I do the wrong things when I know how to do them. I panic and I am scared I will crash into something or I'll do something so embarrassing in the middle of an intersection or just shut down. It's a silly fear. I know it's a silly fear that I do eventually have to get over. When I'm not driving in this test, I feel like it's so easy and I could do it easily and cross that off my bucket list. This could change my life because then I'm not stuck at home and I could potentially get invited to more trips to the city and I could eventually save up for my own car and get away from this dumb stupid town that I've voluntarily tied myself down to for the past ten years. Doing this one thing could potentially save me from yearning for this life that I'm so desperate to live. I just can't seem to get myself to stop feeling this fear of mine.

Quit smoking

yes, I could potentially quit smoking and it would do wonders for my health and my motivation to live, but it's those small moments that bring me back in every time. Waiting for an hour and just getting to go outside or sit in my living room and watch tik toks and smoke. To have that feeling in the back of my throat and the sensation of toxins filling my lungs that just reel me in. Also, after big tests or long classes, or long shifts, or even a hot coffee first thing in the morning. those instances just scream for a nice cigarette to go along with it like a deluxe combo of sorts. I could go to the gym and not feel so winded or do something without having to reward myself a cigarette afterwards to ease these uneasy things I have to do to be a better person. This is also one of those things that could help me live the life I desperately want to live because the person I envision is not a smoker, and has money to do things that smoking cigarettes prevents me from doing. I've also done it for so long that it's this habit that I don't know what life looks like without. I want to quit smoking because I fear death and that obviously brings me much much closer to it. It's like asking to die whenever I pull one out of the pack and light it. Yet, I can't seem to stop.

getting intimate with literally anybody.

I was thinking about this last week. I don't know what it is. It's like my veins feel constricted and my muscles tighten and my heart can't seem to catch a break and I can't breathe. I want to run away as fast as I can until nobody can see me and the one thing I think that can fix it is not hating my body the way it is currently. Then the only way to stop hating it is to lose weight which is another whole can of worms I just finished deleting so there's that. I also think I just think too much. instead of just being in the moment I start thinking of how the other person looks performing such acts and how that looks combined with myself performing such acts I just get too freaked out and I just want to back out. there's like this double consciousness of myself and my... love life. on the one hand, I really really just want to be passionate and have this really hot and intense moment with someone that would allow me to feel this insane high that I couldn't do alone, and on the other hand I think it's also very gross and icky and terrifying. I always compare it to hitting a wall when it comes to this. I can't just fully submerge because my body physically won't let me and I know that getting it over with one time might lead to me getting it right a bunch of other times but I can't get over this feeling about the first time with anyone. I don't want it to be this gross thing that I can't ever look back at and even laugh about because it was that terrible of an experience. I've waited this long also, so why would I just throw it all away just for the sake of getting it over with? I don't know what that version of me looks like yet. I want to but not desperately enough apparently. Life is just so much easier when I don't have to but it's also so terribly lonely and agonizing to make myself wait for. I keep thinking that I'll eventually run into somebody that would make me want to push past the wall and just jump and I thought I did last year, but I guess he just couldn't lie about wanting to wait with me anymore.

So, yeah. There's the three things at this moment that I feel would change my life but I can't bring myself to do.

Dream dream, go away

I have a certain type of feeling about last nights dream, I'm not surprised at its ending but I'm also feeling that tinge of hope like something exciting within my love life might actually come true. Except I know it won't and I know because at the end I was neither surprised nor too upset. Considering who it was about I also feel relief.

I can't really remember how it started. I remember being somewhere talking to...I'll just call him R, who happens to be someone from a long long time ago, who was there trying to catch up with me like he was doing the last time I saw him... almost two years ago now.

He had that same look in his eyes.. friendly while also bordering adoration. His head was shaved, which is probably how it was the last time I saw him too. I remember him asking me to be his date for this event of some kind that I had brought up, and honestly I knew he was gonna be a no show so I said yes without any hopes that he would. R, was never one to call mine although he made it seem like he wanted to for maybe a second or two. But that feeling was fleeting even though I felt it would always come back and forcing it might just help that. I don't regret it because now I have less expectations out of someone I like or am crushing on and I have more of a grasp on what it's like to actually be pursued instead of chasing enough to only get a fraction of that experience. So, like I was saying, in this dream, R was flakey so I treated him as such.

And sure enough, come time or this event, I had dressed up in this white silk or satin dress with a fifties or sixties type of hairdo with the matching feather boa (I feel like my memory is making this up but whatever.) and he doesn't show up. Of course I was a little bummed, I had dressed up and looked really good and I was finally going to get this revenge of not giving a fuck if he showed up or not but then he didn't. was I watching for his car to pull up? Slightly, but I never led on that I was waiting for him. I just kept going. Like I kept going after he decided to disappear and end things that weren't even ever really "things"

I thing I did enjoy the part where I pretended not to care, because I didn't care at least 90% and that's a lot more than I could say about 19 year old me who clung to every word and glance he gave me.

Plus, he gives me major anxiety now which I don't even know where that stems from but it felt good to just put my foot down on something that didn't even really need his recognition.

static

That's what life feels like right now.

Like you never know when the noisy static from the tv is going to end or turn back to the regularly scheduled programming, you kind of just wait. Or turn the tv off.

I have nothing really anchoring me to any certain place and time passing either feels really jarring or not moving at all.

The only thing I'm really doing is a poor attempt at succeeding in school. I'm tired almost all the time. I have no hobbies I'm pouring myself into and it's all because I'm so addicted to my phone.

I wish I could just stop time just to scroll on my phone until I absolutely wish to stop but even then I don't really see that happening.

I can tell I'm gaining weight which is kind of making me depressed. None of my clothes fit like I want them to so I'm stuck just wearing sweats and oversized shirts literally all the time.

I've lost the motivation to be that person I'm idolizing in my head. I don't see her anymore. I keep telling myself that maybe that person just isn't where I'm supposed to go but that literally doesn't make sense because for the past five or six years that's all I've wanted to be.

I think most of it comes from me not being where I wanted to be when I was nineteen.

I still want to go there.

I want to be this person who lives in the city and has a group chat with friends who I go out with two or three times a week. I want a career! I want to have a good job with a good car and apartment that decorated how I see it in instagram reels or exactly like the pictures on my Pinterest board.

I want to be skinny with designer clothes and an independence that's not fragile or in danger of being taken away from a man.

I could daydream forever about that perfect life. It could be realistic too, if I wasn't so lazy and fat and stuck in this stupid town.

I want to be a person. I want to feel like an adult. be my own person with stuff going on.

I guess it did crush my self esteem. I can't remember when's the last time I genuinely felt beautiful. I've just been ignoring it. packed it all up in a box and pushed it to the back of my mind. Now I can't seem to find it anymore. I know that feeling won't be gone forever. I was just thinking about being in his car, and him just being so enamoured with me, like everything I did or said he wanted more of. The second thought process was wondering why. Or how could someone ever even pretend to feel that way about me? Sometimes I wonder what he would think of me now. Which doesn't last long, cause I'm immediately reminded that he was the one who chose to leave. My thought process after it happened was to focus on me and forget finding someone new again for a long time. I didn't know I was also putting away that part that cared about making myself feel good. not for men, but for me. I really let myself go after I chose myself.

I've been feeling weird lately. Like I've hit a new version of rock bottom but I haven't been able to put my finger on how to fix it.

I don't have a job right now, and it's fine cause I'm in school but a large part of me is scared because I always have a backup plan. This time I don't. All I hope is I find another job before I really start to feel the effects of having no money.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

✨🍄Averie🍄✨