Requested by @yhisada “Hi! I don’t know if you are still accepting requests for fics but, I really love The Rose specifically Woosung and I will be eternally in debt with you if you write some fluff with him.”
A/N: I hope you like this! Sorry this took so long to write. College has been pretty hectic lately and i haven’t had the energy (or the time) to write.
warnings: crying, breakups, pet names (bun and bubs), very brief mentions of violence, she/her pronouns used, guest appearances by channie and jisung, no smut- just some kissing :)
an: it’s finally here! this is what won the poll and i’m so excited about it. i wanted to post it sooner, but it’s the longest thing ive written in a while and it took some time lol i hope you like it :) happy valentine’s day. you are loved ♡
you waited outside on the curb for him to pick you up. it was just starting to get dark and you could see the sun setting behind the buildings. the concrete was cold on your bare legs, your dress only coming to mid thigh. but you couldn’t stand anymore, your feet throbbing from your shoes. you stared down and the pavement, pushing a pebble around with your finger as you sniffled. you had mostly stopped crying once changbin said he was on his way. your heart was still shattered, but somehow, knowing that he was coming made you feel better. though you were sure you still looked crazy to anyone who may be passing by. if you thought about it too much, how stupid you look and feel, a fresh wave of tears fills your waterline. so you try to think about something else.
you try, and you fail.
all you can think about is his stupid smile. how he made you feel so loved. so.. important. until he invited you to dinner tonight, only to dump you before you had even finished your salad. your eyes welled up again.
“fuck..” you said to yourself, voice watery. you threw the pebble, watched it skitter across the street as a car pulled up and parked a few feet from you. you recognized that car.
the door opened and changbin got out, rushing to your side. “are you okay?” he was crouching next to you, holding you at arms length, assessing you for injuries like you told him you were in a car crash or something. “look at me.” he put his fingers under you chin and turned your face up to him. “oh.. y/n..” his heart broke when he saw your tear stained cheeks, your red puffy eyes and running mascara. he did his best to wipe your tears with his fingers. “what happened?”
you were so relieved to see him. he was the person who was closest to you, the one you would trust with anything. that’s why he was your first thought when you needed someone to come save you. but as comforted as you were by his presence, getting dumped still really hurt. and the tears returned with his question. they spilled down your cheeks and over his fingertips. “he..” you hiccuped. “he dum-dumped me.” you struggled to get the words out, changbins sweet face and thick frame glasses blurring through your watery eyes.
he was suddenly filled with rage. how dare he dump you and then leave you stranded and crying? heartbroken and no way to get home? he wanted to track him down and give him a few swings for treating you this way.
he would never treat you this way
that thought had been crossing his mind recently. every time you found some new loser to date only to be left heartbroken a few weeks later. though, this asshole had lasted the longest, managing to stay around for six or so months. and changbin wanted to beat some sense into him. or just punch him until he felt better. but, you needed him right now. so he pushed aside the thoughts of violence, the thoughts of sticking up for you, the thoughts of treating you the way you deserved to be treated. he pushed all of those thoughts deep down and helped you up off the curb. you stood on shaky legs and he noticed that your feet were bare, your shoes discarded on the sidewalk.
he sighed at your recklessness. he looked at you, and then your shoes on the ground. “my feet hurt..” you said, your voice still broken.
“prince bin?” he asked, though it was more of a statement than a question. he bent over and grabbed your shoes, handing them to you. and then he scooped you up. one of his arms behind your shoulders and one of them under your legs, he carried you in his arms and placed you down into the passenger seat of his car, careful not to hit your head. he was used to doing this, though he hadn’t done it in a while. you liked to go out with your friends occasionally, have some drinks, and changbin would always come and scoop you up when you were too wasted to walk to the car. you drunkenly called him a prince one evening, (though he thought you probably meant knight) and the title kind of stuck. he thought ‘prince’ was an apt title, considering the way he held you was technically called a princess carry.
but as changbin started the engine and pulled from the curb, he thought it was more like a.. bridal carry. and that made him smile.
about a month had passed since that night and not much had changed. you still went on random dates, with random guys, just searching for the one who would make you feel special. the one who would treat you like you were the most important thing in the world. that’s all you wanted. you just wanted to feel loved. to have silly little inside jokes, and hold hands, and have fake arguments about who loves who more. but so far all you’ve found are assholes and idiots. sometimes both at the same time.
“i think im going to take a break from dating.”
changbin rolled his eyes, grabbing the popcorn from the microwave and dumping it into a bowl. he returned back to where you were on the couch, drowning in a fuzzy blanket. “i’ve heard that one before.”
“no, bin, i’m serious this time. fuck all these guys.”
“you say that but you’ll swoon at the next cute guy that looks your way.” he laughed.
“i just want to find my person.” you said, a little defensive. “there’s nothing wrong with that.”
he immediately felt bad for his comment. he was just kidding. but he knew this was a sensitive topic for you right now. “i know, bubs. i didn’t mean anything. i’m just teasing.”
you let out a loud exhale. “i know, bin. i’m just frustrated with all of it. when will it be my turn? you know?”
he nodded. oh he knew too well. he often had the same thought. when would it be his turn? his turn to take you out. to kiss your cheek. to hold your hand. “you’ll find your person.” he said, looking down at the popcorn. you couldn’t see the sadness in his eyes in the darkly lit room, but you could pick up on his vibe.
“you’ll find your person too, you know.” you said, nudging his large bicep with your elbow. “i know you’ve been single for a long time, and your job is demanding, and it’s difficult with valentine’s day coming up-“
“gee thanks, y/n. you’re really making me feel better.”
you both giggled. “i mean it though!” you smiled. “you’ll find your person. i know it.”
and he smiled back at you, knowing in his heart he had already found his person. he had found you a long time ago. but you hadn’t found him yet.
he threw a piece of popcorn at you. it bounced off your cheek and landed somewhere in the blanket. “hey!” you giggled, reaching for the bowl. but he held it out of your reach. you struggled against him, trying to reach for some retaliation popcorn but it was no use.
“bubs, i don’t know why you’re throwing popcorn.” he teased, laughing. “we’re adults. let’s watch the movie.”
“you were throwing popcorn! not me!” giggling, you returned to your spot, pulling the blanket up around your middle. “i want some popcorn too.” you pouted, pressing play on the movie.
“ah.. see i don’t know if i can trust you not to throw it at me.” he grinned.
“you started it!”
“i don’t recall that.” he smirked. he grabbed a few pieces of popcorn and held them up to your mouth. “open.” he said.
and you didn’t know why, but you felt his words in your tummy. they grew wings and fluttered around, flushing your cheeks. you did as he asked and opened your mouth. he dropped the pieces in and smiled, before facing back toward the movie, shoveling popcorn into his own mouth.
what was that? you wondered. why did that fluster you? you had been best friends with changbin for as long as you can remember. but you don’t remember ever feeling.. flustered around him? of course, you knew he was attractive. the man was so incredibly handsome. there was no denying that. and he was funny and sweet. but you never allowed yourself to go there. never wanting to ruin the friendship you had built with him. but.. this was a new development. you tried to shove it down, tried to forget about it and enjoy your movie night. he held another handful of popcorn up to your lips, dropping them in. you chewed, happily. feeling content but also, warm. his body radiating heat. you scooted a little closer to him, as much as you dared, your knee touching his thigh.
he fed you some more popcorn as he tried not to hyperfixate on where your bodies were touching. he tried to relax, play it cool, but his heart was hammering.
you eventually fell asleep, as you always do during movies, your head falling against changbins shoulder. as the credits rolled he looked down at you, admiring you from this awkward angle. your long eyelashes tickled your cheeks. his hand found yours under the blanket, but he didn’t grab it. didn’t try to interlock your fingers. he just gently brushed his pinky against yours, enjoying the moment. but it didn’t last as long as he would have liked.
you made a confused noise as you stirred awake. you lifted your head from his shoulder, rubbing sleep out of your eyes. your hair was standing up, your cheeks puffy. “did i..” you yawned. “did i fall asleep?”
“you always fall asleep during movies.”
“sorry, bin. i was just so comfortable i guess.” you stretched your arms out in front of you, your lazy gaze looking over at him.
he started at you for a moment, before..
“you’re so cute.”
it just fell out of his mouth. and it wasn’t the worst thing he could have said. it wasn’t a full on love confession, but he definitely said it in a way that suggested he wanted to be more than friends. he internally chastised himself.
the butterflies returned to your tummy, still confusing you. you looked away, out of embarrassment, struggling with these new feelings you were having for your best friend. were they new feelings? or were you just now allowing yourself to feel what you had been feeling all along? you didn’t know.
changbin cleared his throat. “i should get going.” he said. “it’s late. i have practice in the morning and you need some sleep.”
you nodded sleepily, and stood to walk him out. you crossed your arms over you chest, suddenly cold without the blanket or his body heat. you dreaded crawling into your cold bed and the thought crossed your mind that it wouldn’t be so cold if changbin was there with you. you blinked hard, clearing the thought from your brain. at the door, he hugged you like always, mumbling a “g’night bubs.” into your hair.
you waved goodbye to him and latched the door shut behind him. your apartment felt dark and cold and lonely without him. and it made you sad. you pulled yourself in between your ice cold sheets and tried not to think about changbins arms wrapped around you.
“so you just like, dropped popcorn into her mouth?”
changbin nodded. “yeah and i’m surprised she couldn’t see my hand shaking.” he smiled then, remembering. “you should have seen her face though. she’s never blushed like that because of me.”
“so maybe it’s time to tell her..?” chan sing-songed while tickling changbins sides.
“what if it ruins everything, hyung?”
changbin lounged on the couch in the practice room, his sweat soaked shirt sticking to his body. he took a drink from his water bottle, swatting chan’s hands away, catching his breath.
“it’s time to finally do something.” chan said. “if it doesn’t work out, then you’ll know and can move on. instead of pining over her for the rest of your life, yeah?”
“i guess so.” changbin ran his hands through his hair. “im just so scared.”
“y/n is your best friend. even if she doesn’t feel the same way, she wouldn’t stop being your best friend. she’s not like that.”
changbin nodded. “you’re right. i just need to get on with it.”
he noticed jisung giggling over his phone in the corner and started to ask him what was so funny, but minho called practice back together before he could.
they both stood, chan patted changbin on the back. “you’re seo changbin. you’re spearB! you can do anything.”
it was the dreaded day. valentine’s day. you obviously didnt have a boyfriend to spend it with, and you didn’t really have friends to spend it with either. they all had their own relationships. all except for changbin. but with your budding new feelings, you were worried to spend it with him.
but none of that really mattered because you hadn’t heard from him? you had texted him this morning, right before you clocked in for work. and you checked it on your lunch break and there was nothing. and now it was time to head home and you were a little disappointed when you saw no notifications. but you tried not to let it get to you. he does have a very busy and demanding job. but you couldn’t help the thoughts creeping in that maybe he noticed your strange behavior last night. maybe he was worried you were attracted to him and he was pulling away. it made your stomach hurt to think about it.
but the whole way home you couldn’t help but think about it. by the end of your bus ride, you were physically ill. you had convinced yourself that you had ruined everything. that he didn’t want to be your friend anymore because he thought you were into him and that scared him. you had ruined an entire friendship spanning years and years because you couldn’t control yourself around his popcorn? you thought you may cry.
approaching your apartment, you noticed your welcome mat was crooked. the message said “welcome-ish” in swirling font and underneath that in parentheses said “depends on who you are and how long you plan to stay” though the print has faded over time. you kicked the mat back into place and slipped your key into the lock. clumsily opening the door, dragging your tired and depressed feet into the dark apartment. you toed off your shoes before flicking on the light.
and that’s when you saw him.
changbin stood in the middle of your living room, in a black button down shirt with matching black silk tie. his black slacks looking freshly pressed. his black dress shoes freshly shined. he was standing next to a table that he had set up, complete with two chairs, tablecloth, and lit candles. the entire ceiling was filled with red and pink heart shaped balloons, their curly strings cascading down. he held a small bundle of roses in his hands and he looked incredibly nervous. so handsome, but nervous.
“changbin..?” you quietly asked, stepping further into the apartment.
he cleared his throat. “uh.. hey bun.”
he brought one of his hands up to his ear, tugging on his earlobe. a nervous tick of his that he’s had the entire time you’ve known him.
you waited, staring, unsure of what to say or what was even going on and honestly, all you could think about was how handsome he looked and how you looked awful. your work clothes stained and dirty, your hair a matted mess on top of your head.
“i think i probably have some explaining to do.” he said. “well, i have a confession to make i guess.”
your heart started beating irregularly in your chest. was this what people meant when they say their heart ‘skipped a beat’?
you walked closer to him, noticing now the smell in your apartment. it smelled good. your stomach rumbled.
“these are for you..” he held the roses out and you took them from him. they really were beautiful. they were pink and smelled like spring time.
you started to thank him but he cut you off. “i just.. i need to get this out first before i chicken out.” he said.
“my apartment is filled with heart shaped balloons, bin. i think it’s too late to change your mind now.” you joked. he chuckled, your teasing seemingly making him feel a little bit better.
“i guess you’re right.” he smiled. “i.. like you.” he reached out and delicately took the flowers from you, placing them on the table. and then he took your hands in his and looked into your eyes. his hands were sweaty and shaking slightly, so you gave them a reassuring squeeze. “no, like isn’t the right word.” he paused, thinking. “i want to use the word love, but i don’t want to scare you.” his eyes softened. “but bun.. that’s what it feels like. and i’ve felt this way for so long now. i don’t think i can stand to see you cry over another idiot guy who doesn’t deserve you. who doesn’t treat you right. i’ve been silent because i didn’t want to ruin what we have. you’re my best friend in the whole world and i would never want to jeopardize that.” he swallowed and took a deep breath. “but, i love you bubs.” he exhaled, feeling relieved at finally saying it out loud to you. “i want to be the one to take you out. to hold your hand, and to cuddle you at night. i know i can treat you the way that you deserve to be treated. if.. if you’ll have me.”
“bin..” you reached up and grabbed his face between your palms. “i wish you would have told me sooner. maybe.. maybe if you would have said something before, it wouldn’t have taken me so long to realize that.. i love you too.” you smiled.
his face absolutely lit up. his eyes went wide and his smile grew large. “really?” he asked, feeling like he was dreaming. like he needed to make sure he heard you correctly. you nodded, tears welling up in your eyes. “say it again.” he said.
“i love you, bin.”
he grabbed you around your waist and lifted you off the ground, spinning you in a soft circle. “again!” he giggled.
“i love you!” you giggled back.
he sat you on your feet and looked into your eyes again. he tucked your hair behind your ear and stroked your cheek with his thumb. “you have no idea how long i’ve been waiting to hear that. but..” he tilted his head back and forth, thinking. his lips in a smirk. “i love you more.”
you stuck your fork in the pasta, bringing it to your mouth. “i thought you only cooked for sustenance. wait, does this spaghetti have protein powder in it?”
he stuck his tongue out at you from across the small table. “very funny. just try it. i wanted to try cooking for you. i need to know if i should never do it again.”
you took a bite, chewing slowly. it was actually really good. “binnie, this is delicious.”
his shoulders relaxed and he took a bite of his own. “wow, it’s not terrible.” he said, chuckling. “i didn’t know i could do that.”
you ate your meal and sipped on some wine and talked about your day, just like normal. turns out, he hadn’t been answering your texts because he had been here setting all of this up. he used the spare key that you kept under your mat to let himself in. he said it took forever to blow up all the balloons and he was worried you would come home to find him passed out on the floor, surrounded by half filled balloons. only then did he discover that they only floated if they were filled with helium. so then he had to figure that out. and it took him even longer to cook the pasta, really working hard to make sure it was right. and he used your shower to wash up (if you thought about that for too long it made you squirmy) and he put on his nice clothes. then he says he waited in ‘a state of panic’ for you to finally come home.
“i can’t believe you did all of this for me.” you said, leaning back in your chair, sipping your wine.
“i wanted you to know how special you are to me.” he stood up and grabbed your plate, taking them both to the sink. he rolled up the sleeves of his button up, exposing his muscular forearms. you weren’t sure if it was the wine, but you had plenty of thoughts about those forearms. he began washing the dishes, the sound of running water filling the apartment. you finished your wine and brought it to the sink, sitting it on the counter next to the dirty cutlery. you looked at him, admiring his appearance. he really filled out his shirt nicely. it was spread tightly against his broad chest, the buttons barely hanging on.
“bun, you’re staring.” he smirked.
“sorry. you just look.. so good.” you confessed. “plus, i can openly stare now without fear of making you uncomfortable. it’s not.. making you uncomfortable, is it?” you pulled your eyes away from his biceps and looked up to his eyes. he was smiling, the tips of his ears a light pink.
“i don’t mind if you look. want me to take the shirt off and flex?”
your jaw fell open, your core pulsed. “don’t tease about that.”
he turned the water off and dried his hands with the towel. he walked over and touched your cheek again, cupping it in his palm. his eyes were darker now, and his thumb grazed across your bottom lip. “i’m not teasing.” he said, his voice low.
you thought your knees may give out. you grabbed his arms, steadying yourself. you had never seen this side of him before. had never seen him flirt and be so.. sexy. he leaned down, his nose brushing against yours, your erratic breath mingling with his. he waited.
“binnie..” you exhaled. “kiss me.”
he slowly brought his lips to yours, placing a delicate kiss on your lips. it started off slow and sweet but soon became a little more heated when he slipped his tongue into your mouth. you brought your hands up around his neck, tangling them in his hair. he kissed down your jaw and to your neck, licking and nibbling at the soft skin there. you threw your head back, panting. “bin.. let’s go to my room?” you phrased it as a question because you didn’t want him to feel pressured. after all, he had only confessed his feelings for you an hour ago. you didn’t want him to feel like things were moving too fast.
but he immediately bent down and scooped you up in his arms. “prince bin.” he mumbled against your lips, carrying you through your apartment and to your bed.
and you smiled into the kiss, your heart so full you thought it may burst. if you thought about it too hard you were sure that you would start crying. because you knew.. you had found your person. and he had been here all along.
Ateez with a low-maintenance partner who loves physical affection
Requested? Yes!
Request: ’Hiiii you've done so many SVT ones that I would love to see for ATEEZ so I'll just list a couple and feel free to do whatever you want! Thank you!!-have a partner that's is low maintenance but loves physical affection/touch’
A/N: I would LOVE to write for other groups!! Please feel free to send in other requests besides seventeen. I love them dearly, but I’ve written over 100 reactions/drabbles/mtls for them.
A/N #2: I feel like there are a lot of different takes on what low maintenance or high maintenance is. You could define that however you want, but low-maintenance to me implies that you’re independent and take care of your own stuff, may not always care for the frills, and might even be a little bit tomboyish.
You’d be smothered either way - Yunho, San
I think they just thrive on physical affection themselves, so they might not even realize that you thrive on it just as much. They genuinely might think you’re just playing along most of the time. The type of moments that would make it click is if you straight up ask for affection when he’s busy with something else. He could never deny you and really likes that you don’t mind how clingy he can be.
Would worry that your affection means something is wrong - Hongjoong, Yeosang
When you ask for affection seemingly out of the blue, he’s immediately concerned that something may be wrong. He won’t really believe you when you just say you missed him, asking a few more questions. Do you feel okay? Are you upset? Does he need to fight anyone? He’ll eventually relax and enjoy your physical affection when you assure him you just like being close to him.
Might give you a bit of a hard time about it - Wooyoung, Jongho
He’ll sort of smirk and chuckle when you start to cling to him. You’ll get comments like, ‘someone’s clingy today’, ‘are you trying to crawl into my skin?’, and ‘are you trying to smother me?’ However, the moment you act like you might pull away, he’s clinging onto you too. He loves it and he’ll tell you so. He just can’t pass up the chance to rile you up since you don’t always act like this.
Totally melts if you ask for or give affection - Seonghwa, Mingi
He just turns to mush when you initiate physical affection. He’s not bothered by the fact that you might not always do it, but when you do, he’s going to stop everything to match your energy. He’d never say or do anything that might lead you to believe that he doesn’t like it. He might be shy sometimes about initiating it himself, but he’ll always encourage you to seek the comfort that you want or need.
I believe we’ve pinpointed the source of his hot air.
Donald Trump is the arch-nemesis of liberty.
Woops, sorry about that D, looks as though I cut off your freedom of choice over your reproductive decisions
OK - I can’t keep up with the demand, and I’m running out of jokes and pins, so let’s skip to the good stuff. The inevitable conclusion where he’s just absolutely covered in pins.
This Donald is sure not having a Super Tuesday! :)
~~ Stretch goals ~~
800 notes - attacked by vicious alligator
1,500 notes - confronted with flagrant multiculturalism
Well when I went to bed, this post was at around 900 notes, but suffice it to say I think many of us were hungry for Trump defiling action. Your heroic efforts made it possible for us to reach all of our stretch goals… and then some.
Stretch goal 2: Confronted with flagrant multiculturalism
Oh no!! A more nuanced perspective!!
Stretch goal 3: Sent directly back to hell
It’s been a while since he stepped foot on his own turf. No need, as he’s already polling well there.
And finally, a very special stretch goal received in the askbox:
Y’all are starting to catch on that I have a lot of random stuff lying around, including, thankfully for this scenario, a dinosaur that eats people. We pulled Donald back from hell, now lightly toasted and ready for this last challenge.
The Donald thinks he’s “tough.” The bull t-rex hesitates, because the word he wants to use is “gamey.”
Thank you all for making the American dream come true. What an adventure we all embarked on together.
I can’t speak for other social media webbed sites but I really enjoy how tumblr seems to just completely spin a wheel on whatever media is hot right now. Like yeah sometimes it’s a new show that’s big and actively coming out but also sometimes there will be a solid month where half my dash is Columbo memes. Defy authority. Get really into an book from the 1800s. Watch shows that haven’t aired in 40 years. Celebrate the anniversary of the Boston Molasses Flood. Become unmarketable
Requested? Yes!
Request: ‘ateez members being vulnerable with their partner’
Hongjoong
Ah, the burden of being a leader. I’m sure he feels like he has to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders sometimes. Members or management might ask how he’s doing, and he’ll probably always say, “I’m good!” But if you ask after a long day, he might finally let his overwhelm show. Be gentle, because he really just needs to vent sometimes. When he’s done venting, he’ll just want to lay in bed and let you hold him.
Seonghwa
As the oldest, he’s used to taking care of everyone else’s needs. I feel he’d probably not easily accept others taking care of him though. So he might be a little resistant when you do things to make his life easier, insisting that he’s thankful but you really don’t need to do anything for him. But if you catch him on a particularly bad day, he might just fold and let you take care of something for him. Like if he comes home from a brutal practice and you put a warm meal in front of him, he might become a little emotional. Please keep insisting on doing these things so he’ll get used to it.
Yunho
He’s a mood maker of the group, which is great! Except that he always has to be in a good mood or everyone suffers. So, I can picture that he might become frustrated with something and have to stifle that reaction to keep the peace. He’ll probably stifle that reaction around you as well out of habit. But when he crawls into bed late at night and you ask how his day was sweetly, he might explode. You should let him, gently rubbing his back while he lets it all out. Even if you don’t have any advice for him, the fact that you listen makes him feel lighter.
Yeosang
This one might be a little unique, but I think there’s something particularly vulnerable about letting someone know that you’re upset with them. It could be something small, but those little things accumulate over time and become overwhelming. You notice that he might not be happy with little things you do - he reorganizes the dishwasher after you’ve loaded it, or he refolds his clothes that you just folding. Small stuff that he bites his tongue about to keep the peace. When you ask him to tell you about those little things so you can fix them, he hesitates. But he’ll eventually come to you and say, “Can you please do it this way next time?” He might need some reassurance that you aren’t mad that he asked, but progress is progress.
San
I have a hunch that he’s probably pretty vulnerable with a partner to begin with. Where I think an issue might come in is when he feels like him being vulnerable with you all the time is a burden. He doesn’t like to come home and unload all of his stresses onto you, especially when you might have also had a hard day. You’ll have to be pretty direct that it’s okay to be vulnerable with you because he also creates a safe space for you to be vulnerable.
Mingi
Sometimes, certain things are hard to say. So he often doesn’t say them. You’ll find a page or two of notebook paper with some of those little vulnerable thoughts written down. At first, you thought he left it out accidentally and you apologized for reading his private thoughts. He insisted he left it out for you, and it’s a regular habit now. It lets you know when he needs a little bit of extra love, even if he’s uncomfortable directly asking for it.
Wooyoung
This man is so confident 99.9% of the time. But in those .1% times, he might turn to you and ask some crazy vulnerable questions. ‘Am I attractive?’ ‘Is this hair color bad?’ ‘Do you love me?’ ‘Why do you stay with me?’ It just might break your heart to hear it, but answer kindly. May also need some physical comfort when he’s feeling like this, so baby him for a bit until he’s back to his usual confident self.
Jongho
He strikes me as someone who is not as physically affectionate as others. Not that he hates it, it’s just that he likes to show his love in other ways. But you’ll know something is up when he comes home and all but collapses on top of you. It’s so unlike him that you’ll ask if he’s okay. Will not admit that he needs the physical affection to soothe whatever he’s dealing with, but you rubbing his back and running a hand through his hair will make him forget whatever he was feeling bad about.
The silver fork he was holding in his left hand fell onto the marble floor, crashing the silence caused by your announcement. Jackson was visibly irritated, big frowns on his face.
“You… what? Why?”
For days you had been practicing this moment, imagining how you would explain your reasons and set him free. And even though you went over this moment hundreds of times, you were not prepared for the gravel pit of anxiety in your stomach. You didn’t do this because you didn’t want him, no. Your feelings were as strong as ever, but Jackson never opened up, he never let you take a look behind his porcelain façade. You decided to no longer waste your time with someone that only portrayed his good sides.
“I don’t feel like knowing you, Jackson. You only show me your good sides, you never share your problems with me. I just…”, you stumbled to find the right words.
“Say it, y/n”, he urged you with a serious tone.
“I feel like I’m dating a fake.”
Ouch, the pit grew bigger.
Jackson hid his face behind his hands, shielding himself from you. You didn’t think it would affect him that much, but his silent sobs gave him away.
“I’m sorry, Jackson.”
It didn’t take long for him to change into his real self, which you finally saw for the first time after months of dating. His eyes, always sparkly but never serene, turned dead, drained from life and love. You silently gasped, surprised to see the abyss behind the veil.
Jackson broke out in laughter as he wiped away his tears.
“Dating a fake, huh?”
Tears started to form in your eyes, seeing him like that broke your heart.
“What do you want to know, y/n? How broken I really am? You think you’re going to love that?”, he spat sarcastically.
You couldn’t answer, you didn’t dare to. Jackson took another sip of his drink, grimacing in pain.
“Shall we talk about my crippling depression, then? You want to know what that’s like? To lie awake every night wondering if this is the life I want, the one that I deserve? Shall we talk about the accompanying anxiety which is clouding my mind 24/7? Am I doing enough? Am I true to myself? Is this really who I am? Shall we talk about my sweaty hands and rapid heartbeat? Me wondering if I’m about to drop dead any minute? Is that it?”
He paused and observed you, not understanding the reason behind your tears.
“Or shall we talk about my health problems? Did you notice how badly I’m griding my teeth? Should I tell you that my jaw is tense as fuck and my teeth are overly sensitive? That drinking and eating anything but warm liquor is making me wince in pain? You think I’m this skinny because I’m on a diet? No, y/n, far from it. Should I tell you how frustrated I am because I have tried literally anything, and no one can help me? You wanna know what that’s like? To be helpless in your own body? To be betrayed by your own fucking body?”
Your eyes wandered to the glass in his hands, finally understanding why he was always drinking so much. Jackson started pacing through the room while bearing his darkest secrets.
“Or shall we talk about the people I’m seeing for help? Because I’ve seen them all, y/n. I searched through whole fucking Asia, and everybody is saying the same shit. It’s all in your head, Jackson. Do you know how fucked up that is? Neither antidepressants nor the shit for my teeth is helping me and you wanna know why? Because apparently, it’s in my head. My body is hurting because my soul is hurting. Isn’t that hilarious?”
Jackson spilled some of his liquor, trying to make a point.
“Or let’s not forget about my love life, y/n. You wanna know what that’s like? You wanna know how much energy it took to portray myself as normal? I wanted you to think of me as strong and healthy and full of life but now you’re breaking up with me because that was, what, fake? I did all of this so you would never realize how broken, fragile, and weak I am. But I guess that wasn’t the right way to go about it either.”
Another layer of sadness washed over his face, tinting his brown eyes in even deeper despair. Jackson took a seat on the couch and hid behind his hands again, wondering why he told you all of this if you were already over him.
He flinched in surprise as he felt your arms around him, hugging him tightly. For once he just gave in and hugged you back, crying silently in your embrace.
“Thank you for telling me, Jacky”, you whispered sweetly into his ear. “This is exactly what I wanted.”
He looked at you surprised, so you explained yourself.
“I fell in love with you because you were a real one. Standing in your truth and being true to who you are. That’s how I have always perceived you, anyways. But then when we started dating, and I never got to know that side of yours. You were too perfect, in a way. And I don’t want perfect. I want real, Jacky.”
His thumb brushed along your cheek, tracing down to your jaw.
“How could you possibly want that?”, his hoarse voice croaked.
You chuckled in response.
“I’m not perfect, Jackson. And I don’t want to be. Don’t you think I get depressed from time to time? We can cry together then. And yes, the thing with your teeth sucks. But I will love you even if you get new ones. And besides that, my teeth don’t hurt but my head does. Often, I get insufferable migraines and have to lie in a pitch-black room, I flinch at light like Dracula himself. Do you think I like that? No, but we all have something. You make it sound like you have to be perfect to be loved. But you don’t.”
The newfound spark in his eyes was noticeable, if only for a quick moment.
“I agree with the people you’ve been seeing, though. Your soul is hurting, Jackson. And that’s okay.”
You grabbed his hand and squeezed it lightly, looking at him hopeful.
“You don’t have to heal on your own though. I’d like to help… if you let me?”
23:37 - “is this… bang chan… coming to bed before midnight?!” you gasped.
your boyfriend chuckled, rolling his eyes slightly, “yes. shut up. changbin and jisung needed to focus on something with the producing tonight so i’m… free?”
you giggled, watching as he, clad in plaid pyjama bottoms, no shirt and a towel draped over his hair, came and sat on the side of the bed. you crawled out of your duvet cocoon, sitting behind chan’s broad body and beginning to use the towel to dry his hair.
“you should use a t-shirt,” you commented, thinking out loud as you dried the curly locks as softly as you could. “or a softer towel.”
“its okay,” chan shrugged, “i’m gonna straighten it anyway, no point taking care of it.”
“chan,” you said in a stern voice.
“what?!” he laughed, taking the towel out your hands and moving so he was sat against the wall, pulling you to straddle his lap.
“i love your curly hair,” you said, cupping his face, “i want you to be proud of it.”
he shrugged, smiling shyly, “i know you do, but i just—”
“no buts, chan,” you said, getting up to get a brush, and some of the curly hair products that had gone long disregarded by your boyfriend. “why not? maybe you’ll like it once you actually take care of it.”
chan just sighed, shutting his eyes and relaxing into the feeling of you playing with his hair.
“you don’t need to do all of this,” he said, “really. i’ll just go back to not doing it when i’m by myself.”
“well i guess you always need me around then, hmm?” you smiled, your eyes trained on his hair as his eyes watched your face, “you need someone to take care of you.”
chan sighed, shutting up and allowing you to finish dealing with his hair before you cuddled into his side. he pressed a kiss to your head as you fell into silence.
“thank you for taking care of me. i know its not easy.”
you hummed, kissing the hand that was slung around your shoulders, “it would be easier if you stop being stubborn. my beautiful boy.”
chan opened his mouth to protest before you looked up, given him a stern look. he bit back a laugh, allowing your point to stand.
the two of you shifted into a more comfortable sleeping position; face to face, chan’s arm loosely slung around your waist, your leg hooked over his hip. his hand stroked your back gently, your hands balled into fists resting against his strong chest.
“sleep now,” he whispered, kissing your closed eyelids, “it’s late.”
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