The Art of “No”
I’ve always had a problem, saying no to people. I am one of those people that find fulfillment and happiness in helping others. I know some people will say that you need to be content with only yourself, that if all of your friends decided to say fuck you and never talk to you again that you should be fine. I think this is bullshit we as humans are social animals we need interaction with each other. In fact I learned of the experiment that King Frederick of Germany did a long time ago and how he put babies in the care of nurses and were not allowed to speak to them as well as interact with them in some ways and all the babies died. Of course, this is not to say that we should only depend on others for our happiness because that is also wrong. In essence, we need to strike a balance.
I, in my never ending goal of helping others, would help others to the point where I would become irritated and resentful. I realized that in order to help others and myself in the most effective way possible was to strike a balance. If I make plans with myself for something really important to me, unless it is a life or death situation I will not change them for anyone. I am important as well. I may not think too highly of myself, but I would be doing myself a disservice to not uphold my value of every living thing having value. How can I say everyone’s life has importance and then turn around and not think so of my own. Me keeping plans with myself and completing them makes me insanely happy. Me being someone that sucks to be around would be terrible because my family depends on me to be the one who is able to listen, hang out, and give good advice. This may be bothersome to some, but I like that my role is simple and one that I genuinely enjoy. I have to be at my best so I can in turn help others be at their best and this is exactly what I consider myself to find fulfillment and happiness in. The only difference is I discovered a more effective way to do so.
Also, stop bending over backwards for people that are not willing to do the same for me and this was one of the most liberating things I have ever done. Gone were the feelings of resentment because I was no longer making myself unhappy in order to make someone else happy. I also realized it was my fault to a certain extent. If you find a bag that continuously produces money, all normal humans will continuously take it no matter what they end up doing with it. Eventually it will become second nature and you’ll stop noticing it. Same way with doing favors, people will stop noticing that they are asking you for favors constantly. Then they get upset when you abruptly stop and this throws off the dynamic that you let happen for so long. If they value you in a way that you want to be valued they will realize their mistake and adjust, if not then they need to be let go. By them not valuing you, they in turn don’t bring value to your life, so there is no point in keeping it around.
If you learn to say no which is an extremely hard task, also learn to be unwilling to compromise this standard that you have set for yourself for anyone. It goes without saying that if something is life or death or occasional by ask means help. Also, know that you will fuck up at times and that is totally cool because in the end the gratification will be immense.