chaos and i? we're lovers

SIDEBLOG FOR ELI THOMPSON. OOC ONLY

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billion 😞's

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you're safe and i've got you here with me and i'm so incredibly happy. i could have the worst day and it'd still be the best birthday i've ever had

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yeah it's still bad sometimes

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oh...

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i could never ask that of you, though

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here's an idea how about we don't ever go back? how about i move you out here and we start our lives in this place that i thought i hated but turns out i can't live without?

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hey when will i stop fucking crying over everything !!

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hey soft girl i missed saying silly stuff to you without feeling so tense and wrong

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i still love you with every bit of me and that isn't changing no matter the ups or downs and i really hope you do know

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i'm sorry about all the silence. i'm sorry because i just feel worlds apart from you. i don't matter right now but it's just really hard to be there when i've apparently forgotten how to best comfort you. i just feel like i can't get it right and nothing i do could possibly make you feel okay

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physically incapable of feeling anything alike peace these days. not even with you beside me. there's just a war raging on inside me and all around me and i don't know what to do about any of it.

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i will not rest easy until you're six feet under, wasting away. i promise.

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my father was right when in one of his infamous tirades he said that all i do is take and take and take until i essentially devour everything in my path. it's because in my core i am made of greed and selfishness and i am nothing beyond that. i am nothing.

everything that happened to her was my fault. karma could sense the nature of my actions and she abandoned her long list of duties so she could personally spit on my face. i left her alone and didn't say where i was going. i turned off my phone so she couldn't reach me out of a stupid fear that if at any point in the night my screen lit up and i saw her name i'd feel guilty. i truly removed myself almost entirely from her out of my inability to cope with the shit in my head and she paid the price for my stupidity. true to my streak, because this is what loving me means. loving me means you've set yourself up to be a casualty in the destruction that i've designed myself stupid choice by bloody stupid choice.

it tears me up knowing with almost complete certainty that if i had been there... he wouldn't have laid a finger on her. if i'd been there our baby would still be alive.

fuck's sake, we were gonna have a baby. and now they're gone. along with any sense of safety piper might've found with me, i'm sure. because i turned my back on her, willingly. i abandoned her and failed to do the one thing i swore i would do.

she's finally asleep after the absolute inferno of a day we had today and all i can think about is how hopeless and scared she must've felt --how she must still feel. my god, i genuinely have never hated myself as much as i do right now knowing that i could've protected her this time and i didn't.

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bloody fucking hell

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i don't even remember if i said it wouldn't make a difference. i didn't want you to feel useless but it didn't.

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i'm losing my head, it seems. thanks for noticing

[quietvoiced]