Mike Driver
i don't do bad sauce passes
Cosimo Galluzzi

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"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
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Alisa U Zemlji Chuda
Misplaced Lens Cap
cherry valley forever

Origami Around
DEAR READER
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me

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I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
YOU ARE THE REASON

shark vs the universe

if i look back, i am lost
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Claire Keane
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@ihaveabsolutelynoideas
this is how new yorkers @ mamdani
I think the first threesome shane and ilya ever have is with the cup
to clarify, I do not mean that they have a threesome in the presence of the cup, I mean the cup is their third
now, I know you're wondering about logistics. I did, too, but I think the most likely answer is that they took the cup to Paris, right down to the champs du mars.
"but shane is a strict bottom"
yes, I know, and believe me, I'm sure he was understandably upset he couldn't get railed by the physical manifestation of hockey superiority, but one must play the cards they are dealt
although...
what if the cup had a strap?
@fuckrozanov 😭😭😭🙌
Do you guys ever think about the fact that Ilya coming onto Shane in the shower by just straight up jorking it in front of him is literally every homophobic straight bro's gay boogie man?
"What if the Gays look at me in the locker room? What if the Gays get off on me while I'm taking a shower? What if the Gays come onto me while we're both naked and wet?" Is literally the argument that homophobes use to try to keep queer people out of shared bathrooms. It's the idea that queer people are predators and can't be trusted in those shared spaces. It's the nightmare scenario that bigots spread like a scary story to make people scared to even be in the same spaces as queer people.
Ilya and Shane could NEVER tell anyone about that. Not that they would like to in the first place, but they would never even be able to tell their closest confidants just because of the threat of a leak. And they can never let it leak ANYWHERE. I know in some fics people find out because it's funny (and it is, objectively, hilarious) but realistically they are never saying one word about that.
They will come up with a mutual lie about how they hooked up the first time and spread it like the gospel before they ever admit to what really happened because can you imagine? The fallout? They'll have agreed to take that shit to their shared grave because holy shit the amount of damage that would cause to the queer community is unquantifiable. Ilya's dick would set back gay rights by twenty years all on its own if the homophobes ever got wind of that little tidbit.
Wait, okay, this is SILLY, but consider:
It’s Ilya’s first season in Ottawa. He and Yuna are engaging in their favorite shared pastime: looking at Shane’s baby photos. Ilya starts to notice this grumpy little white boy in the background of all these adorable pictures of Shane. He’s like, “Yuna 🤨 Who is this boy glaring at our Shane?”
And Yuna’s like, “Oh, that’s Ricky, Shane’s cousin.” Ilya’s shocked. Shocked! He has a PhD in Shane Hollander and he hasn’t heard of any COUSIN. He says as much and Yuna sighs and is like, “Yeah, they’re not close. He picked on Shane a lot, you know, the shy, awkward, Japanese boy. It got even worse when they got a bit older because Ricky plays hockey too so of course he’s jealous of Shane.”
And Ilya’s like, “😡 I will kill this man! Where does he live?”
Yuna laughs and tells him that he still lives in Ottawa, actually. That he’s sort of a mess, always moving from one startup job to another. He cheated on his first wife and he somehow managed to lock down a second wife who’s gorgeous and way too good for him. Yuna shows Ilya photos from their recent wedding and they gossip about it (because gossip is another favorite shared pastime of theirs).
A few months later, Ilya’s out for lunch with some guys on the team and he sees a man at a nearby table who looks…familiar. He’s internally like, “Where do I know him from? 🤔 Did I have a threesome with them? No, I would never sleep with someone that ugly.” That’s when it hits him…it’s Shane’s loser cousin! And he’s out with a woman who is NOT his second beautiful wife.
Ilya starts watching them like a hawk. He ignores the Centaurs and is just staring at the two of them. The vibe between them is romantic, he can tell, but he’s waiting for definitive proof. Then, finally, they lean in for a kiss and Ilya snaps some pictures. It’s at this point that Bood’s like, “Uhhh wtf are you doing?”
But Ilya ignores Bood, puts his phone down, and keeps glaring at Ricky. The nerve of this man! How does he share any DNA with Shane? It’s unfathomable.
Ricky does eventually notice Ilya looking over, but he doesn’t think anything of it, of course. He has no idea that Ilya’s family. He actually uses it to impress his date. He says very loudly, “Oh look, that’s Ilya Rozanov. He’s rivals with my cousin Shane Hollander. Yeah, that Shane Hollander. Uh huh, we’re very close.”
Ilya’s fuming at this point. How dare he name drop Shane to impress this woman he’s cheating on his wife with? He tips their waitress $100 to slip her a note saying “he’s married” in case she doesn’t know. Then he leaves the restaurant (yes, the Cens are still sitting there, baffled) and drives straight to Yuna and David’s.
He storms inside (it’s the first time he lets himself in, but not the last) and right up to Yuna who takes one look at his face and says, “Wine. We need wine.”
No one knows how Yuna got the photos that were the catalyst for Ricky’s second divorce. Some family members swear she must have spies all over Ottawa. It’ll be a few more years before they meet her very loyal son in law—who shakes Ricky’s hand roughly and gleefully takes credit for the photos.
Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of people say that Shane and Ilya were stupid for not just randomly clarifying one day that the rivalry was never real and they’ve been friends all along. I think people are forgetting or maybe not realizing how much autonomy they’ve lost playing for the NHL
The trade off of getting to play for the NHL is giving up their bodies, names, and likenesses. Their whole identities are used as a marketing tool and that’s part of their job. People are making a lot of money off of their rivalry. The NHL is getting more ticket and jersey sales from it. Fans are placing bets on their games. It really is that serious and people really are that invested.
That’s why the Irina Foundation plan is so smart. The rivalry is a narrative people are buying into, so Shane’s suggesting a new narrative. It gives the league a new marketing angle and it generates enough positive PR that people are kinda backed into a corner of letting the rivalry go. No one wants to be the guy saying a sports rivalry is more important than charity, kids, and mental health.
So no, Shane and Ilya are not stupid for feeling trapped by the stakes of this rivalry. They are trapped. They’re trapped in that tricky dissonance between the Hollander and Rozanov the media, league, and fans expect them to be and the Shane and Ilya they really are.
When Shane wakes Ilya up in the middle of the night with his plan, he’s saying: who we really are matters. What we have matters. I’m tired of giving up happiness to contort myself into the shape of who Shane Hollander is supposed to be. The real me wants you and chooses you and this is how we can make it happen.
It’s not just an I love you. It’s a “here’s how I can love you”. It’s a “I’ve given everything to the league and now I want this for myself and this is how we can have it. This is how we can finally become an ‘us’.” That to me is a lot more meaningful than any casual declaration of friendship would be.
Imagine you’re sitting with two of your bros and they’ve both just given you deer-in-the-headlights looks when you pointed out that it was brave of the obviously gay figure skater to come to Sochi, and the only reason they could be giving you those looks of course is because they just aren’t as up on social issues like this as you are, so because you’re a nice guy and a good ally you explain to them btw Russia is not safe for queer people to help them out so they don’t embarrass themselves in front of actual queer people some day. Then imagine a few years later one of them comes out as gay on the ice right in front of you and the world and you have to sit with the knowledge that you once straight-splained queerphobia to a gay man. You summon the courage to apologize to him for it and have a laugh over it and you walk away thinking phew that was embarrassing but at least I did what I had to do and he was cool about it and now I never have to retroactively cringe at myself about this again. Then imagine a few more years later the same thing happens with the OTHER guy 😭
the "came back wrong" trope except like... they didnt. like this mad scientists wife died, and so he studied necromancy, brought her back, and she came back and it all worked. like she came back exactly the same as she was before with literally no difference. but the scientist guy is like "oh no... what have i done.... shes Different now!!!! she came back Wrong!!!!" and shes just like. chilling. reading a book. cooking dinner. shes just so so normal but in the guys mind hes like "oh shes soooo weird" but shes just normal
Peer reviewed tags from @somanyofthekids
NO its a JOKE and YOU DONT GET IT. ITS NOT THAT DEEP
While she was dead he put his memory of her on such a high pedestal that she could never live up to it alive
alternatively‚ she came back perfectly fine but he thinks she came back wrong‚ because the tragic reality is that he never actually knew his wife
im going INSANE thats MY POST.
It's your post but the journey to posting it changed it to such a degree that even its closest intimacies are now foreign to you. Sorry dude.
Reanimator meets Ship of Theseus
🌾🌾🌾
Harvesting my wheat
Hehehehehe
Can I fucking help you?
my senior english teacher told me that any scene with a woman in a cornfield in every piece of literature ever is about her journey to womanhood/pleasuring herself in the field and i just.... believed her
What
What
[Cliff Marleau voice] Yeah I mean none of us were really surprised that Rozy is bisexual. He takes off his shirt the girl way. Kind of hot, to be honest. Wait this is off the record right.
unbelievable that its 4/20 and absolutely nobody has put the objectively best rage comic on my dash yet. i have to do everything around here
runner up
cackling about the idea of shane getting it in his head that he also wants to have one of ilya's firsts (not as a bad/jealousy thing, just as a "it would be nice/sweet/romantic to also be his first for something when he was so many of mine <3") so he starts bringing things up without making it clear that that's what he's aiming for, but ilya has been bluffing with a lot of what he knows since the VERY start and doesn't want to admit to not being A Certified Sexpert at this point, so shane keeps asking him if he's done something/has experience in something, and what shane wants is a no, but what ilya THINKS he wants is a yes because shane likes deferring to experts in things so ilya is saying yes because he thinks that'll make shane more at ease asking for it
and instead?? shane just looks?? increasingly frustrated???
like they're still DOING all of the things OBVIOUSLY, but at a certain point, shane is getting annoyed at how deep he's having to dive into kink websites and a little judgmental about what ilya was willing to try out with strangers, jesus CHRIST
how DARE you hide this in the tags 😂
SHANE HOLLANDER THESIS STATEMENT
sitting in bed straight up watching "it" and by "it", haha, well. let's justr say. My
✨ Maladaptive Daydreaming✨
the problem with the gay hockey show is that the acting is great, the lighting is great, the music and costuming are great, the care taken is incredible, but you can't recommend it to normal people without sounding like a pervert