[ihavegivenyouallandnowimnothing]

ivegivenyouallandnowimnothing

you dont know me. all signs of vanity have been removed for your reading enjoyment; my ancient pieces will rest here as a graveyard of lessons. maybe someone will one day appreciate my work. I know making them were pleasures in their own regard (after the emotions came out into words).

please support cafecanela (@/cafecanelareal on IG) in its publication. bye bye tumblr. thanks for everything. I love you and please remember to never stop trying and staying you through it all.

[ihavegivenyouallandnowimnothing]

1/26/26

I’ve been thinking about it and I do not know why I have so much shame about it. But I do.

I’m bad at relying on others. I either keep someone at arms length because I can’t deal with someone knowing my million-foot deep inner dialogue without feeling sick or I start relying and I get so clingy and smother-y it scares the person I’m relying on quite a bit. I have not relied on someone fully in a very very long time. 

That is my preface for what I’m about to talk about. 

My sexual fantasy is total reliance. Total care; total relinquishment of my mind in someone else’s hands. To be small and dumb, but not on purpose. Just to relax, to stop thinking for an hour, maybe 2. I want to tap in to my hopeless feeling of feeling behind and like I was born yesterday and make it mine. I want to make it work for me and I want to take control of it before it controls me. I want to ask stupid questions and I want to be silent. I want to be taken advantage of and put to sleep. Touch my body like you’re scared I’ll break under you, like you don’t want to ruin anything and like you just got permission after waiting much too long. You want it badly, but with self control. 

I keep thinking about its definition. I don’t like the word “little” because of what it implies and its associations. I am no child; but I like to be taken care of. I like to be a little naive because I’ve always been naive and I would be fun for it to not be to ruin my day or my week or my life for once. 

To be loved intensely and reminded of that love makes me shake. I read in The Handmaid’s Tale a quote from Offred that lingered with me: “…nobody dies from lack of sex, It's lack of love we die from.” The act of love feels so rare that I would give up all sexual feelings for it. But that’s not the world we live in which is cool because they go hand in hand. Love turns me on. Being cared for turns me on. 

In my pathetic twisted own ways, kindness turns me on so so effortlessly I could finish with words alone. Aren’t I so crazy? I’m so crazy.

I just want to be someone’s baby honest to goodness I give it all up to be taken care of. I want someone to know me so well that I wont have anything to say in my mouth that does not stop running. I can just let it all go and be treated nicely, whatever that means. 

Maybe I just have a thing for sweet talking.

[ihavegivenyouallandnowimnothing]

a writer and a poet meet and decide the world must end

[ihavegivenyouallandnowimnothing]

I see the little white lines and i think of You. How does that make You feel? You never cared; You will not care. Did you know anything about me that i didnt have to remind you about millions of times? Clay

[ihavegivenyouallandnowimnothing]

there is blood all over the lace trim there is blood there is blood there will be blood

[ihavegivenyouallandnowimnothing]

never go out without jewelry because I can save myself from a bad episode by clinging to the cold beads or shiny little silver charms

[ihavegivenyouallandnowimnothing]

[ihavegivenyouallandnowimnothing]

[ihavegivenyouallandnowimnothing]

[ihavegivenyouallandnowimnothing]

[ihavegivenyouallandnowimnothing]

[ihavegivenyouallandnowimnothing]

[ihavegivenyouallandnowimnothing]

Died

June 5th

But you dont know the exact date

And there it went

Another one gone

There was nothing else

You could do

You cant shake and yell at a corpse

It wont wake up

Even if you beg and cry

I was too scared to call the coroner

I did not want to know what was in the autopsy

So i put it in my closet and i let it rot

I kissed it every night 

I dressed it in different outfits

I carried pieces of it with me

Everyone asks me where it went

I lie through my teeth and said it was just a mistake

Still alive

I lie to everyone

In the hope it’ll come back

I perform experiments

I try to switch our hearts

The body rejects it

I try to shock

The body is awake momentarily

And before i know it a corpse again

I cry

Selfishly thinking my laments would do

Something 

A dead body doesnt care

It doesnt know about what you did mourning it

When people see you with a hand in your purse

Theyre going to say youre crazy 

You’ll explain through tears but its done

They know your pathetic attachment 

Now the poor body

And your poor soul

One had to suffer most 

[ihavegivenyouallandnowimnothing]

TWO SOULS DO NOT MEET FOR NO REASON

[ihavegivenyouallandnowimnothing]

a very good depiction of my nervous system

[ihavegivenyouallandnowimnothing]

[ihavegivenyouallandnowimnothing]

me