Esraa

I don’t mind having a ghost in my bed

[iisraaa]

“I’m waiting to live,

Waiting to die.”

- Charles Bukowski

[iisraaa]

I miss my friend. I wish there were an easy way to say it. I wish we could go back in time. I would have told him more often what he meant to me. I would have cherished every moment a little more. I would have taken more photos, kept a record of our inside jokes, made a playlist of the songs we shared, written down the poems we loved and made a list of all the movies we were going to watch together.

I miss not only him but the future we never got to have. The thought that it’s only memories now, it might just fade away and vanish, is insane. I don’t want to rely only on memories.

[iisraaa]

Something had to be ruined, right?

[iisraaa]

جادَكَ الغيْثُ إذا الغيْثُ هَمى

يا زَمانَ الوصْلِ بالأندَلُسِ

لمْ يكُنْ وصْلُكَ إلاّ حُلُما

في الكَرَى أو خِلسَةَ المُخْتَلِسِ

[mirrorsinner]

[nixscriptum]

[iisraaa]

Friday’s palette

-my will to live is negotiable but my plants are not-

[fiery-kitty]

Der Flösser Tod / The raftsman Death – Franz Lippisch (1897)

[nevver]

Last light, Mary Mattingly

[iisraaa]

Saturday’s colors

[iisraaa]

I feel unwell, but the hardest part is the numbness. My mind feels muffled, as though every thought is unfinished. I can’t tell you exactly what I feel, only that somewhere beneath the numbness lies something that looks like sadness, despair, disappointment and pain. They’re no longer sharp enough to identify, only distant silhouettes. It’s unsettling to know something hurts without being able to understand or explain it.

[iisraaa]

Cosmic morose code

[iisraaa]

I feel like my life is on a countdown again. I’m not really living, I’m watching from the outside, as if I’m a spectator to my own existence. Like an hourglass, all I can see is the sand slipping through it, and I am waiting for it to run out. Waiting for the inevitable.

[iisraaa]

[iisraaa]

“You keep saying  I owe you, I owe… but you say the same thing every time.

          Let’s not talk about it, let’s just not talk.

Not because I don’t believe it, not because I want it any different, but I’m always saving

and you’re always owing and I’m tired of asking to settle the debt.

          Don’t bother.

You never mean it anyway, not really, and it only makes me that much more ashamed.

There’s only one thing I want, don’t make me say it, just get me bandages, I’m bleeding”

- Richard Siken, Crush

[iisraaa]

To be honest, I know it’s probably not going to be okay, but I don’t want to believe that. There’s this stupid, naive, innocent hope that I keep holding onto, and it’s breaking my heart.

I feel like I’m losing against life, but more than that, I’m losing against myself, the version of myself I always hoped I would become and that sense of self betrayal is eating me alive.

I feel disconnected from who I am. Sometimes my mind just drifts away on its own and I lose myself in it. I wake up and stay in bed, gathering every ounce of strength just to get up. Even the simplest things like brushing my teeth, washing my face, feel exhausting, like I need to stop and rest halfway through. I’m tired.

I miss myself. I miss the person I thought I would be and I don’t know how to make peace with that.

[iisraaa]

Trembling