Navigating heartbreak. Again.

This is a space for me to get my otherwise rambled and shambled thoughts regarding the loss of my greatest love in order. Whether it resonates with you, or my misfortune brings you solace or entertainment in any way, your audience and opinions are welcome here. Enjoy the ride through my class 4 mind.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

It was his birthday last week. I wasn't sick to my stomach wondering who he was with all day. I'm starting not to remember if I think of him every day. But there are little regular things that still trigger him as my first immediate thought.

I read a comment on Reddit recently that was so beautiful. Eloquent. Articulate. The essence of heartbreak and moving on. How you become a different person, and they become a different person, and you're no longer longing as the previous person for the previous person.

I never thought I would be in a place where I wasn't a devastated mess, where I wasn't even quite as sad, where I wasn't so deeply bothered by who was getting his attention. I'm not that person anymore.

[fromhersoul]

I think people knowing your heart and still choosing to do you dirty is a different kind of evil.

[poohishere]

Demonic honestly.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

I've been dreaming of him recently. A few times with the child. One I saw them embracing, he kissed her on the forehead. The other, I told her I wished he would've just left me alone if he didn't want to be with me.

He has no self control when he's drunk, and he stopped reaching out long before I told him I was blocking his number. I know that means I wasn't who he wanted long before then.

Yet every 11:11, I think his name. A habit I have not been able to break.

[lavaditto]

Of course you do end up healing, but you’re never the same again.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

Over a year no contact. We've crossed paths about 5 times. I know he saw me two of them.

I want to say it's gotten easier, but it's just become normal. I don't cry as often because I'm numb. My house is chaos, clearly a nest of depression. I dread going to work everyday.

I don't want to be here anymore.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

I'm feeling manic. Trapped. Panicked. Like I can't take a full breath. I saw his name today. Increased heart beat. Warm face. I saw information I shouldn't have. I don't even care at this point. I feel not long for this place. Just reinforcing how vile he is. How I'm better off.

I had a physical on Friday. I filled out the screening questions the night before, and a nurse called me to make sure I wasn't going to kill myself. I felt really bad for her, how comfortable she was broaching the subject. I assured her I was doing okay. The questions are vague, I wasn't going to harm myself, I was going to be at my appointment.

I can't kill myself, too many people rely on me, but everyday I wish something bad would happen to me so I wouldn't have to think anymore. I can't stand to be here. I just have to decide if I'm going to sell my house. I could use the money, but I love this house. I love this space, and this neighborhood. But my fear of leaving no longer outweighs my fear of staying.

I'm going to have a strong heart to heart with the friend I'm visiting. Options to weigh, and she can weigh in nicely since she made that decision for herself already.

I hate how my life has turned out.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

I got into an argument last weekend with a man who knows him. He acts like he knows me so well, as if we're great friends when I've only hung out in the same space as him one time, several years ago. He pretended to read my palm, and I don't even know how the conversation turned, but I told him I think about *him* everyday. He began telling me I needed to move on (obviously), that my professional pursuits will suffer because of it, as well.

He began lecturing me about what I was ever doing in the first place, that *he* was and still is engaged (no he isn't and no he wasn't), that all of the people in his life were either covering for him or he had them convinced, too (because every person in his life told me they were not together). I can't begin to understand how this random man thinks he knows so much when they weren't friends.

It made me furious to have it brought up so publicly. Not because I have anything to hide, but because it's just so random for people to be thinking about. We're coming up on 10 months no contact and 2 1/2 years of not being together. It makes me sad to know I'm still so stuck, but it doesn't feel like it's been that long. I do feel like I'm finally in a place where I know I don't want to be with him. That I can't be.

I saw the child at the gym. Twice now in the last couple weeks. She left as I was changing the first time. I had to leave the second time. I couldn't focus. I've never seen her that late. I worry I'm losing my solitude, that I'll have to reconsider my schedule. I can't be around her. Maybe this is the universe pushing me to make another change.

I'm going to spend New Year's with my longest friendship out of state. And I have a shadow experience at a teaching hospital as I consider pursing a graduate degree. Some things to look forward to. Palm reader can go straight to hell.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

He showed up at the gym last night. Incredibly late for him. I saw him and panicked. My entire body began to shake. I almost left. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to lift anything in that state. I wasn't sure what his routine would be. I wasn't sure I could risk having to cross his path, make eye contact with him.

I pulled the hood of my sweater up trying to hide my face as best I could. I know he knew I was there. I know he knows my car. I don't know if he looked at me, because the few times I looked at him, he wasn't. I think he saw me see him. He might've looked at me when he was at the cables.

At one point, I paused my music to read something. I heard him singing. I don't know what, I could tell it wasn't to the song playing overhead. I decided not to listen. He can't carry a tune anyway. I wondered if he was drunk. Why would he be singing? A little part of me wishes I had figured the song out, but I know it's better that I didn't.

I finished my last set and walked quickly to gather my things. I left as fast as I could out to my car. Sat for a moment, took a drink of water because my mouth became so dry, and promptly sped out of the lot.

I still have no idea what to make of all this. If it was on purpose.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

I don't want to dream about him anymore.

I don't want to dream about him anymore.

I don't want to dream about him anymore.

I don't want to dream about him anymore.

I don't want to dream about him anymore.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

Lucky number 7. The world is in shambles and I'm feeling exceptionally vulnerable. Without exaggeration, on the brink of a mental breakdown.

I was crying last night because my foster puppy peed on the floor. I mean, that was the breaking point. And I missed him. And all I could think about was him cradling me in his arms as the world falls apart.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

It's been 6 months no contact.

I used ChatGPT for the first time the other day. I gave a prompt about being heartbroken about the not-quite-infidelity-but-still-a-massive-betrayal-of-my-trust-and-serious-moral-deficit issue, and not knowing what to do or how to feel about it. I saw a video a few days prior about AI taking over, and how someone who works with AI saying something along the lines of this: humans can be creative with ways in which to carry out mass murders, but AI is exponentially smarter, and there is absolutely no way for a human not even remotely close to that level of intelligence to even begin to predict the ways in which AI would come up with killing us. I say that to say this: ChatGPT so effortlessly and succinctly walked me through how to begin healing from this mess in less than 5 minutes. I've been bouncing my theatrics off a close friend and my therapist for the last 7 and 3 years, respectively.

It told me I can still love him and recognize that he isn't safe for me. His behavior crossed a line. I'm not overreacting. He doesn't align with who I am or what I deserve, and holding this boundary is strength, not a punishment. I'm coming to terms with grief, mourning the loss of our relationship but also the person I thought he was.

It says our breakup lacked emotional closure (100%). My nervous system still remembers the highs (our time together was a HIGH). And my imagination continues to circle back to him because I haven't replaced my future with him in my head. I had an incredibly vivid dream where I was completely in control, and I CHOSE to will him into it so I could kiss him. I could feel his hand on my face.

I hate everything right now.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

I forgot I wrote the post on birthday. I wasn't even drunk. I didn't get drunk my entire vacation. I also didn't mope around. Everyday was something new to see and feel. I succumbed to the sun and let myself drown out the world with my current repeat song.

I continue to think about him everyday, maybe a little less often throughout the day, but every few weeks, it hits me like a brick. I'm so sad right now. I sat sobbing for a little bit because I saw his brother is awake. That almost always means he's there. The brother lives a few blocks from me.

I went out for a night of fun. I saw someone who looked interesting. I tried to segway into talking with him through his friends, but it didn't work too well. I thought he would be like every other guy who would stare and/or approach me because of my dancing, but he didn't. Even when I formally introduced myself, he didn't take the initiative to take lead. I'm actually not offended if he doesn't find me personally attractive, or if he just maybe was intimidated. I don't know.

What I do know is that I partly understand why men who hold themselves to a certain worth feel the need to seek the attention of women they otherwise would expect to have attention from but didn't get, and they want to make doubly sure it wasn't a truly missed connection. I spent time searching his friends and finding him. He's younger than I expected.

I also know I am not even close to being over him. We're nearing six months, and I'm still distraught over not being able to be with him after a night out, or even text him suggestive ramblings when I'm not. FUCK.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

It was my birthday yesterday. I wasn't anxious to get a text this year considering, but I wondered if he just might. He didn't. And it made me incredibly sad. Fair, considering I didn't reach out to him.

I don't know how to feel. I'm in Greece. I wanted to text him about a funny encounter I had, but I couldn't.

He once told me I was becoming his best friend. He was one of my best friends.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

Four months. I've felt slightly lighter on most days. Still on my mind, but I've been better able to focus.

I found a new song to put on repeat. He's not (always) my first or last thought. Time passes and the hole is beginning to fill. We're just living, and who knows if he misses me, but at least he's leaving me alone. It used to kill me, but not (quite) anymore.

I want the lyrics to be true. I spoke to the strawberry moon for gratitude for the love I have received, for forgiveness, for deeper understanding, and with the hope that I can accept my life as it is and move forward. I hope my mind will let me.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

I came across more evidence of their relationship. Overwhelmed with anger and disappointment. This was after nearly having to sit with the child face-to-face in the same room last week. Apparently we both go to the same medical office. I made eye contact with her briefly as I went to the bathroom. She smiled at me. Unsure if she actually knows me (I assume she does after the bar incident), or if she would recognize me.

I don't understand how I can think about everything all day but nothing specific at the same time. I am so unbelievably tired of it.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

Three months no contact. Still thinking about it everyday. Some days it's good things. More days it's bad things. All days it's just HIM. Not anything in particular. Just him. On my mind for no reason all. Lingering in the deepest parts of it. Reminding me at any moment he's there. The big things that bring it all to the surface - like driving everyday past his brother's apartment and going to the gym; and the smaller things - like seeing it's 2:14 on the clock or any time I drive by a Kia.

And I wonder if he's actually thinking of me like he always said he did. If I have a small space in the dark corner of his thoughts, too. Does actually he wonder how I'm doing, who I'm with, what I'm doing, if I'm thinking of him.

I told him once I hoped he was as miserable as I was. I don't think he ever has been.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

It's his birthday right now. I'm on my way home from a concert, dozing off and I get text messages. I look at the time - exactly midnight. My heart skips a beat. It isn't him, but the timing. Why is my friend texting me this late?

Now I'm wide awake. I didn't want to be home this weekend. I didn't want to be doing nothing while thinking of him. I wanted to be away from here and just... I don't even know. All I can think about is him. I imagine he's with the child right now. I can't text him to find out. I can't even text him just to check in.

I keep telling myself he doesn't care, so why should I? I keep telling myself he's doing just fine without me, so why am I so miserable?

Happy Birthday, M.

[ijumpedacrossforyou]

I want to text him so badly right now, but this is all I have.

I want to scream (but I'm with friends). I want to cry (but I'm with friends). I want to find him right now and confront him. Ask him if he ever loved me. Like really loved me. How could he stop if he ever did?

------------

I started writing that a week ago. I'd had a miserable day. Work, the place I'm able to distract myself, is becoming the bigger stress in my life. I called out for the first time on purpose in nearly 13 years at that place. I went to a friend's house and drank too much, and something on TV triggered a flood of emotions that I had to bury considering the environment.

It's now been two months without him. These ebbs and flows are so difficult to manage. I never know when my day is going to be all about him. Weekends tend to be harder, but the weekdays are so unpredictable. I miss him then hate him, hate him then miss him. I imagine being with him then have to remind myself it's over. We are over.