ill pill

"i am not ok or comfortable with who i am i am no closer to accepting it." this blog contradicts everything i want to believe in and all my progrress

[ill-pill]

I feel like dying but I think I really just haven’t fully let go of my old self

[ill-pill]

Gotta write a will before I kill myself

[ill-pill]

Says ppl with bpd can possibly die by 27 due to suicide.. let’s see. 25 next year.

[ill-pill]

Everyone talks about my light but I don’t see it

[ill-pill]

I’ll never forget the day when I finally ended up in the hospital because I cut myself too deep and it would have turned out really bad if I didn’t get treated. I ended up leaving with 33 stitches. I remember waiting hours before the doctor actually came. I was with my best friend who is still my best friend till this day. Another friend came at some point.. barged in, hysterically crying and said “how could you do this to me?” Sometimes I wish I died that day. I’m tired of people thinking I cause pain to myself because I want to hurt them. I’m hurting and I don’t know how to deal with it so this is what I resorted to. I’m hurting because I’m tired and I’m tired of being a nuisance to others.

[ill-pill]

“Whether it was dragging a blade across my skin or walking out in front of a car, I wanted to be hurt. I wanted to feel pain and I stopped caring whether or not I would make it out alive.”

— (via kissedby-suicide)

[ill-pill]

I am hurting so much right now

[ill-pill]

I like working. It keeps me busy. I make money and spend less time thinking about hurting myself.

[ill-pill]

Guess whose back… years later, ill pill makes an appearance. Lately I’ve been feeling this strong urge that I haven’t felt in years. This is the second time where this intense emotion arises, this feeling of no longer wanting to exist. I don’t have the strength to kill my self, sometimes I wish I did. But I don’t think I signed up for that this lifetime. I wish there was a button though, I wish I could just delete my existence. I wish everyone’s memory of me would be erased. I’m tired. I feel like a disappointment. I feel a lot of shame. A lot of pain. That numb feeling is starting to come back and I keep thinking about sharp blades against my skin and seeing the blood come out. I feel like I have been more of a disturbance to all if anything. It feels like my parents aren’t proud of me, I feel like I have let them down.

Every breath feels more special lately. I don’t know if there will be a tomorrow.

[ill-pill]

I'd be so content swimming in my own pool of blood right now.

[ill-pill]

It's been a while since I've written on here. I met my friends girlfriend the other day. She's so lovely. She was wearing a skirt and I noticed she had self harm scars on her inner lower legs. They looked about a week old, not too drop. My first thoughts were to talk to her about once I got to know her more or tell Al, her boyfriend. Time passes and my thoughts changes. I thought to myself "why didn't I ever think of that spot?"

[rainbyrod-deactivated20160910]

I dont want to do anything bc I am embarrassed. Im embarrassed of everything. The way I look. The way I talk. The things I say. What my eyes are doing. The clothes im wearing. Even my thoughts are embarrassing. It doesnt matter whether or not people can tell what im thinking, they do and im embarrassed of it.

[ill-pill]

I like working. It keeps me busy. I make money and spend less time thinking about hurting myself.

[ill-pill]

Every time I want to off myself I convince myself not to. Because what if I fuck up and don't go through with it? Everybody around me will just be sad. I'll mess up my new job. School. I'm so selfish for thinking like this.

[weltenwellen]

It hurts until it doesn’t. You think it’s going to break you, but it won’t. You may not sleep as well at night, but you will be fine. Numb, but numb and fine are the same.

Scandal (via

weltenwellen

)

This is one of my favorite quotes ever

(via bl-ossomed)

[ill-pill]

It's getting later and the urge isn't going away but increasing. I don't want to. I don't want to.

[ill-pill]

I know you miss me.

But you know my mom gets upset when I don’t come home on time.

I can’t keep coming home at 5 or 6 AM.

I tell you that it makes me mom unhappy.

And you tell me that you get it.

And I know I could say no to.

And I should.

But I get so tired.

I sleep for what I think is 20 minutes.

And hours pass.

And you don’t wake me.

Why?