C'est la vie @illestvnce - Tumblr Blog

Lol it sucks because the times when I need you most you’re not there lol. Bad timing and whatever. But it just sucks that the whole “you get what you give” isn’t valid because I’d drive an hour just to make sure you’re okay but yet, nothing. I just want too much out of you and that’s fine. It is what it is. Theres a time and place for everything

I just hope that I made you proud. I’ve done a lot of shit wrong in my life. I’ve fucked up badly. I’ve gotten lazy to a point where I pretty much become a pathetic, worthless, depressed drunk. But I still try to lift myself up in hopes that one day everything will be better. I know you’re probably not proud that I smoke and drink to ease the pain but sometimes its kinda better knowing that not living is a bit better then just dealing with all of this. You and I both know that I’m meant to do something in this world. That my death will not be because I chose to end it because I got so low that not living is a better option. You and I both know that there would be no better death than me dying in war. That was one thing we both agreed on. But Jesus. I just miss you so so so much. I never realized how close we were really were until you were gone and all of a sudden I was alone. If theres one thing I miss the most, its coming into your room late a night, hugging you and telling you how much I love you and then asking you for something. I miss you so fucking much. Shutting you out was the worst thing I have ever done and I just hope that you can forgive me for that. Theres nothing I wouldnt do to see you just one more time. To spend 24 hours with you and drink with you or laugh with you. Creepy up behind me from under the pool and scaring us or doing your embarrassing stretches while I’m in baseball practice. To be honest, knowing that you would be proud of me would be the greatest thing ever. Everything I do is so that I could follow in your footsteps and be your greatest legacy. I love mom and all but I have never loved as much as I loved you, dad. I miss you so so fucking much. I’m scared shitless of ghosts and seeing dead people in my dreams but if I could just see you one more time..

#personal

Why is it so hard accepting someone else’s past and thinking that my past is okay even though it’s pretty much just as bad. Ugh.

#personal