Merilokki

Beyond these walls, the world burns. And I shall inherit the cinders.

[illogicalnordictales]

So every summer, my church does something called Vacation Bible School.

We call it VBS.

I love it.

I grew up attending it.

My dad was the MC for the longest time. Even now he plays important roles when he needs to.

But the theme of this year’s VBS is a western theme.

And he’s a group leader. So during one of the songs, he was dancing along.

It was obvious he didn’t know the moves. But I got a video of it last night, and I’ve been thinking about it all day.

Because the way he moves just cracks me up.

I can’t explain why, but he dances like clumsy butter.

It looks like his first day in his body.

I rewatch it every now and again and every time it just cracks me up every time.

It literally lives rent free in my head, and I love it.

I’ve told him that he dances like clumsy butter. It’s not meant to be an insult. I just think it’s hilarious.

[illogicalnordictales]

1 1 1

That’s a lot of Dalmatians.

How am I supposed to know that’s Atlanta? They don’t have the aquarium in it! They don’t have the Coke museum in the Civil War, mom.

Alright, time to go eat pineapple, with my hands, in the pool.

My friend: What’s my mom doing?

Me: I dunno. I think she’s harassing the laundry.

You gotta turn the shower on before you strip.

I feel like I look like I have leukemia.

[illogicalnordictales]

So I was at work a few weeks back. On the phone with a manager because she wanted to hear about something that happened.

Guy was mad at me, basically. And at this job, I work alone. I am the only employee on site. So it was my job to figure it out. I’d like to believe I did a good job.

Anyway, she calls me, and I give her the lowdown. We wind up just chatting about random things because, turns out, she’s got a good vibe about her. And so as we’re talking, I’m watching this wasp under the patio awning.

Flying near a fan.

Which is spinning.

And it gets too close.

Big mistake.

So I see this wasp get hit by a fan blade, and just, like, get launched away.

So naturally, I have to tell my manager about what I just got to witness.

It was actually hilarious.

I think about it from time to time.

[illogicalnordictales]

So back in May I got to go to a concert with my dad.

Not just any concert, nonono.

It was a Sting concert.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Sting, he was in The Police.

Getting to see him live was on my dad’s bucket list for years. Like, 3 decades. A long time, he’s been wanting to see him live.

I remember encouraging him to take my mom down to Atlanta to see Sting and Billy Joel a few years ago. They didn’t. That’s ok. I went with my dad.

But, much as I love my dad, this story isn’t about him.

It’s about the dude near us.

A Russian dude.

So as Sting is playing, this guy is just going HAM.

He’s vibing along to the music, trying to sing along, just overall having an absolute blast.

And I’m there watching him, and getting a kick out of how much of a good time he was having, it was awesome.

It was such a cool concert, 10/10 would do again.

I remember when my dad asked me if I wanted to go. It was in late January. I was talking to him about other concerts I had dragged him to. Concerts that he wasn’t particularly interested in. But I still conned him into going with me, because he didn’t want me to go alone. (This was a few years ago, when I was still in high school—and also couldn’t drive lol)

And I mentioned how I was very grateful he was willing to do that for me.

So when he asked me if I would want to see Sting if it was an option, I was like “YES.”

Now, I’ll be honest: Sting is not my favorite artist. But I like him enough to know some of his songs, and to not be entirely lost with the songs he played.

So my dad tells me, “Save the date, we’re going to see Sting.”

And I went FERAL.

I was so grateful my roommate had moved out, because I was literally on my rug, just screeching like a banshee. I was so excited.

It was such a cool concert, it was amazing.

[illogicalnordictales]

Quotes

1 1 0

yup yup yup

My mom: Look at that brand new 7-Eleven!

Me: I bet that they don’t even need to lock their bathroom doors yet, that sucker is NEW.

Oh, the power I have to lie on my tax form.

I don’t know, I don’t have any roofies on me, anyway.

I started my day by watching Dale Earnheardt die.

My water tastes like a corn maze.

[illogicalnordictales]

So I’m a work right now.

Big whoop.

But the kick of this is, I work at a pool. Have for a while.

And one of the guests, I’m gonna guess he’s about 60 or so, and he was getting ready to lay in the sun or whatever.

And I watch as he takes his sunscreen, and spray a little bit of it on the little bald patch of his head.

It was so random I’m dead serious it was the funniest thing I’ve seen all day.

[illogicalnordictales]

So a week ago, my sister and I got back from Texas. She messed up the ticket bookings, so the rest of my family who went weren’t with us. She got the cheapest flights she could find. Nothing wrong with that.

But we left on Wednesday.

So that’s 5 days of being around her.

So that’s 5 days of her and her random quotes.

Let’s begin :D

Ooh, something smells good in “The Club”. It smells like pancakes, that would mess me up.

Me: I’m gonna cry if that kid is beside us.

Sister: So will the kid.

What kinda last name is Hancock? What kind of first name is John?

Me: This is why I don’t fly with you.

Sister: This is why you do.

*About a woman in all pink, with pink hair*

I wonder what her favorite color is. I bet it’s beige.

Me: Matthew McConaughey.

Sister: Begging your finest pardon?

Me: I love a good scaffolding tower.

Sister: Especially when the tower of scaffolding goes to nowhere.

I dunno what da poker.

Sister: A 24 hour Subway.

Me: Man, Walmart needs to up their game.

It’s a ruggery.

I was hoping to get a back crack or two out of that. All I got is regret.

Sister: Wow.

Me: What?

Sister: Our cousin’s getting a piano.

Me: Yeah. He does that sometimes.

Sister: At least they have each other.

Me: Respectfully, if I was stuck in an airport with you, I’d probably rip out your throat.

Sister: I meant so that they can get a hotel.

Me: Oh.

But wait! There’s more!

Honorable Mentions! Wheee!

These are gonna just be from random people from the Texas trip. They will not have specifications on who is speaking, unless there is 2 or more people.

That’s right. I’m gambling my life away.

They love their 7-Eleven.

Me: How’d you get your hair so long?

Random woman: I paid for it.

My mom: 2 is not 37.

Me: It is if you’re delusional enough.

Kiwi can be stored at room temperature. I dunno what kinda milk you’re drinkin’ at room temperature, but it scares me.

Pasty white ginger boy.

It’s the disabled dragon!

Yeah, that’s my coworker in a tree.

Who turned the lights off on the sun?

I’m milking my bruise.

My mom: A lot of bail bond places.

Me: It’s Texas.

Illogical, are you done painting your legs?

My aunt: What are y’all talking about?

Me: Drugs.

My aunt: You sure like talking about that.

That would be a great place to start your grandparent human trafficking.

As long as you’re holding 2 nubs, you’re fine.

My mom: Are you still here?

Me: Where am I supposed to be? Oklahoma?

My mom: Where are you? You're in Texas.

My uncle: We had a Littlefoot piñata.

My cousin: Don’t kill Littlefoot.

Two keys back to back do not scan twice as fast.

We’ve had some years where you’d look around and a heart attack would wipe out the whole reunion.

[illogicalnordictales]

Quotes 109

I’m not responsible for how stale it is, if it is stale. There’s only so much popcorn a girl can eat.

I just saw a wad of bird, and then feathers.

My sister: I splurge every now and again.

Me: It’s not splurging if it’s not on sale. That’s just poor monetary choices.

Put the Magnum phalange down.

I just took the most traumatically cold shower ever and I’m wondering how childbirth could ever compare.

[illogicalnordictales]

So a few Sundays ago, I made a dumb choice.

That I don’t regret.

I was walking around campus with one of my friends, just vibing, drinking a Sprite.

And we walk past this squirrel. It’s not moving. I stop, stare at it, and internally wonder if it’s actually alive.

It was. It scuttled like, a foot, and then stopped.

I look at my friend, and go, “I’m gonna pick it up.”

And she’s like, “Illogical, no.”

“Hold my Sprite.”

So I hand her my Sprite and proceed to hover my hand over the squirrel.

I hesitate. Is it really worth it? Am I really about to do this? Hand to squirrel? Nothing in between as a barrier? Just straight contact?

I commit. I grab it. This poor thing didn’t even really fight back.

So I’m just standing there, holding a squirrel, having the time of my life.

This squirrel was not ok, though. It was in such bad shape that my friend and I talked about a way to…take care of it.

Scratch that, I talked about how to kill it. She talked about getting it to an emergency vet.

I’m discussing the possibility of, “Well, if we know it’s gonna die, just stick it under a car tire and hit it.”

And she’s like “No, that’s mean, just let it die on its own.”

To which I reply, “It’s humane. It’s putting it out of its misery quickly, so it doesn’t suffer. It’s either that, or I snap its neck.”

Like, which seems more kind? Trying to make the process faster, or letting it die slowly?

They would’ve just euthanized it at the vet, there wasn’t much that could be done for it.

So she winds up calling her dad, asking what to do. I’m still holding it, it’s still not fighting back. It’s just there. Its heart is going nuts. (No pun intended.)

But after a while, I offer it a tree. It does not grab the tree.

A few minutes later, I realize I couldn’t feel a heartbeat anymore. I keep moving my hand around to try and feel for one. Nothing.

I leave it for a moment, and then lay my hand on it again. I could already feel it going cold.

It was dying when I picked it up. I knew it was in rough shape, I just didn’t know how rough. If I knew it was going to die not long after I had picked it up, I would’ve snapped its neck to euthanize it. Just to kill it as fast and as painless as I could.

I felt really bad that it died. I knew it wasn’t my fault, but I wish I had known it wasn’t going to die, so I could’ve kept it from the pain it probably felt.

I don’t know how it got hurt. It didn’t tell me. And I failed to ask.

But hey, I got to pick up a squirrel, and continue to be the psychotic college student I aspire to be.

[illogicalnordictales]

So here’s a story. Again.

Go figure.

So I went to this one tea house with one of my friends a few weeks ago.

It’s not a coffee house.

They only sold teas.

I got a masala chai latte.

He got a lemongrass —uhh— lemongrass something.

That’s beside the point.

So I’m ordering my masala chai latte, and the girl asks me, “Coconut, oat, or dairy milk?”

And I just go, “Can I just get, like, milk milk? Dairy milk?”

You know what this girl said?

W R O N G

She legit said, “Dairy milk is extra.”

WHAT??

WHAT DO YOU M E A N IT’S EXTRA?

IT’S COW MILK. THAT’S, LIKE, THE EASIEST THING TO MILK.

Coconut and oat milk is CHEAPER? LIARS.

What, are they genetically modified? Farm raised? Free range? Do the coconuts just have their own little hill that they grow and live on?

WHY WAS THE REGULAR MOO JUICE MORE EXPENSIVE?

Are they tryna promote veganism? I have no idea. It wouldn’t surprise me, actually. It seemed like a very granola-esque place.

I went with oat milk.

It didn’t even occur to me how odd it was that she told me the milk milk was more expensive.

Like, it’s harder to milk oats than it is to milk the actual milk makers.

It still confuses me.

Maybe she was lying to try and upcharge me. I don’t know why she would. I know for a fact she doesn’t get paid enough to care.

I still don’t understand.

[illogicalnordictales]

QUOTES

AGAIN

1👏0👏8

WHOOO

Oh! The dots are named.

And he handed the phone to some random Mexican.

Those Topiary Creatures, they can spit some bars.

My friend: What do guys like?

Me: You could go to Harbor Freight and get him a bucket.

And I look like an egg that’s been Baba Yaga’d.

[illogicalnordictales]

Some of my stories are long. This one is not.

This one is about my graduation.

Because I once had one of those.

And, like basically everyone else in society, we were allowed to decorate them.

I didn’t think about decorating mine. Don’t care enough. But then my sister comes home with two small Teletubbies, and a tiny Furby.

So I get an idea. And ask her, “Can I borrow the Furby for my grad cap?”

She said yes. So I ran it by my advisor. She said yes.

So we flat out safety-pinned that sucker to the back of the hat. It’s just the one creature. The one item of décor.

And that’s how I walked across the stage. Head held high. Furby on my cap.

No regrets.

Before the thing started, maybe during rehearsal, I don’t remember, the girl beside me asked, “If I trip and fall on stage, will you guys also fall in solidarity?”

My answer was yes.

She didn’t trip.

I kinda wish she did.

[illogicalnordictales]

So here’s what happened.

Not my finest moment.

So I ran into a guy like a few weeks ago.

Normal. People are on campus. Shocker.

But see. Here’s the issue. This guy, let’s call him Moses. He’s Asian. I regret to inform you that this comes into play.

He’s staring at me, and I look at him. And just go, “You’re familiar. I know your name, I know where you live.” Or something similar.

I say, “Your name is Noah.”

It was not, in fact, Noah.

But see. Noah is also Asian. And when I explained this whole thing, he laughed. I felt so bad.

But then he said something, I don’t remember exactly what, and I just reply, “Yeah but if you naked that error, it’s an honest mistake. If I do it, it’s racist!”

Like he thought it was funny. I was apologizing profusely, I felt HORRIBLE.

But all in all, it was lowkey hilarious.

[illogicalnordictales]

Part 107. I’m losing my mind.

Me: I sometimes have to stop myself from calling him “Girl.”

My friend: Gorl.

Me: Girl. It’s one of those, like, very gender-neutral terms.

They nesting dolled the fool out of this thing.

40 liters? I don’t need 40 liters worth of backpack.

Fine. I’ll pay in Spanish.

Oh. This—this is new. They have a disabled lab.

[illogicalnordictales]

So last week, I got kicked out of a frat house.

Here’s how.

They had a concert thing or whatever. I loitered and watched for a while, and then just went around back. One of the guys walks by me as I stare down into the cellar, and just say, “Cool.” And head down. Bro didn’t stop me.

And then I resurface, and head inside. And run into a frat guy. Crazy. Almost as if I was in a frat house.

This dude then goes, "Uhh hi.”

“Howdy.”

“Do you need something?”

“No. You're looking at me like I'm familiar.”

“You’re not.”

“Should I be?”

“Why are you here?”

“Gotta be somewhere.”

“Oh, ok.”

Then as I was walking around another dude walked by and was like, “How's it going?”

“Howdy.”

“Do you need something?”

“No. I'm just here. The other guy didn't kick me out. But if I need to leave I can.”

“Yeah I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, bc we're fixing to close.

“Aight cool, have a nice day.”

And then I just--left.

As I was leaving, I walked by the first dude, the one who dint kick me out, and was like, "Hah he kicked me out.”

The guy who asked me to leave seemed to get onto the other dude for letting me in, but I could be wrong.

Like, I just materialized, answered their questions, was super casual about it, and just refused to elaborate.

I was probably one of the most cooperative people they’ve ever had to kick out. Like, I wasn’t drunk, wasn’t trying to fight anyone, wasn’t cussing, wasn’t doing anything wrong.

They probably have so many questions about me. And I have no regrets.

[illogicalnordictales]

Heahahah here’s a fun one.

Last summer I was back home from college. And at that time, my dad still worked from home most of the week.

And so at one point, I shuffle out of my room, down the hall, and into his office.

He didn’t hear me coming.

And so I just materialized behind him, and scared him.

I basically just went, “Belelelelelelel.”

Bro JUMPED.

I started laughing, and he legit just pointed to the door and went, “Out. Leave.”

Bro banished me. How dare he.

So a few minutes later, I come back into the room, hunched over like a bridge troll, shuffling in, with half a peach cupped in my hands.

And he’s like, “Is this your way of apologizing?”

I try to not laugh.

And then the hands me his cup. “Go refill this.”

So I take the cup, and it took me a solid 3 minutes to return. Not because it took a long time to fill, but because I was laughing so hard, I couldn’t give it back.

I still think about that. 10/10 would do again.

[illogicalnordictales]

Part 106

It’s from Halloween. “Be careful and make sure to check your kids’ candy. I once found the entire band of Nickleback in one!”

Girl I just jitter jangled my way to three peanut butter jelly sandwiches and a full bag of Chex Mix.

Someone from my campus ministry: How do cats even get eye infections?

Me: Carefully. With a stick.

Store your phone in them. Keys. Will to live. Bubblegum amoxicillin.

I am not, a saucy gal.