About my aunt
TRIGGER WARNING: DEATH
My aunt passed away last Friday, January 31, from cardiac arrest. We last saw each other at a despedida before I left for Spain; it was also the celebration of her 38th birthday. I gave her the two multi-colored bracelets in this picture as birthday gifts. I think it was great that I gave these to her; after all, it was she who introduced me to and helped me grow in love for thread.
I remember when I was in first grade, I couldn’t figure out how to make the starting loop for crocheting. I spent one whole day in school trying to figure out how to make that simple starting loop. I remember she was the one who taught me how to do it, and there began our common love for crochet. I remember being amazed by her collection of thread - so many colors! All in one big bag.
I will never forget her patience with me as she taught me how to make my first cellphone case, also back in first grade. The thread was purple, white, and purple again - purple was her favorite color. I remember how that cellphone case had no rows and how I just continued up and up until we settled for a size. And I also remember how she added a chain to make it a drawstring case, and how that chain had little threads at the ends like a pompom. I remember how happy I was that I had made it, especially since I wanted to give it to my mom as a birthday gift.
From cellphone cases it became coasters, from coasters it became snowflakes, and earrings, and even scarves. I remember when eventually it was she who was amazed at the amount of thread I had, it was she who wanted to borrow or have some, it was she who sold some of the ones I wasn’t using anymore...
I remember the times I also made friendship bracelets and anklets for her, and how she kept them to herself when she told me she was going to sell them to friends. Now that I think about it, I’m glad that she kept them - she liked my work enough to want to have them and show her friends and wear them daily. She could have worn her own stuff - she made her own jewelry and she was good at it - but she chose to wear my stuff too.
Last 2018 (my last Christmas in my country before leaving) I made Christmas tree earrings for the family party. I was cramming them in the car and she asked me to make some for her and for her daughter. I wish I didn’t charge her, but I did since it was so rushed. But I did my best to do them out of love, with love.
I know we weren’t so close - there were times when I judged her so hard because I thought she wasn’t being a great mom to her kids, or she wasn’t trying hard enough to get a job, or she made so many irresponsible choices, or she was spoiled by my grandparents... I didn’t know how sick she was until last Friday when my dad called me to share the news. I wish I was nicer to her, more patient and more understanding of how hard she’s had it in life, not just physically but more so in terms of familial relationships.
I just wish I could give her one more hug and thank her and just tell her how much I appreciate her. How I will cherish the memories of the days when we would just go to the shopping center together or sit at the table after meals or bond over threads and jewelry. How she can rest easy now from this life and how I’ll do my best on my end to watch over my cousins, especially her eldest daughter.
She made others’ lives better and brighter with her jokes and her laughs and her overall cheerful personality. She has filled my life with color, quite literally, with all the thread we have bonded over. And she will continue to bring joy (though with some sadness, of course) in all our shared memories of her.
Every stitch, every knot, every thread, every hook, every project, every bracelet... all in honor of her from this point onwards.
I love you, Tita Lani. Thank you for all the color you have brought into my life. When the time comes, I’ll see you in the next life, with so much more color and joy.