sup friend.

I'm alive but only ironically (she/they) Emmy Capricorn, INFP, Chaotic Neutral

[trickytwitch]

me: *turns up to court in a fursuit* “hi I’m your public defurnder :3c”

[flanneldragon]

me: *tears in my eyes begging the judge* ill plead guilty if you arrest them too

[imafunghoul]

me: *puts on makeup*

bathroom light: bitch!!!!!! you better slay!!! that contour tho!!!!

sunlight: lmfao ok hoe first of all...

[myulteriormotive-deactivated201]

[unfugbilder]

[buddhabrand]

look at this fat bastard

[mcr-tweets]

[saltycashew]

Concept: a relationship where you’re both equally obsessed with one another but still respect eachothers space. There is no lack of communication or trust. Lots of sex.

[gameraboy]

Stranger Things (2016)

[ryanrosshateblog]

so there’s this

[a-trex]

NOTICE:

Due to the lack of cicadas so far this summer I will climb the trees and scream in their absence

[mcry]

honestly knowing mcr it’ll be the black parade broken up into a set of 6 vinyls that you can purchase for $29.99 each

[devildaisies]

it fucking blows my mind when like cp10 Pokemon have the audacity to pop out of the pokeball. what the fuck. you mean nothing to me. get in the ball.

[kylie]

*makes eye contact with security cameras to assert dominance*

[ruinedchildhood]

[elementalwife]

FUCKING UNMUTE THIS

[krisseycrystal]

Owl: [in a small, cute, gravelly voice] Drugs.

Sunny: No, we’re…we’re okay.

Owl: [same voice] Drugs?

Sunny: This is awkward. No thank you.

Owl: [higher pitch] Drugs?????

Sunny: Who invited–who invited–?

[katmcgovern]

literally my favorite vine of all time

[queeranne]

I can’t stop laughing 😂

[vampiregerard]

[idiopathicsmile]

yesterday my lyft driver had a gps that read off directions in what was obviously some sort of specific customized voice

so i was like ‘hey, why does this sound familiar?’

and he was like ‘oh i downloaded it special. it’s colonel sanders.’

never in my life had a stranger thrown me such a goddamn conversational curveball. 

was this an official branded piece of content marketing by kfc? why? why would you go to the trouble of auditioning and hiring a voice actor to impersonate your now-dead founder guiding people onto the i-95, like the world’s least interesting benevolent spirit? colonel sanders was a real dude who is now dead; that is a flipping weird thing for a company to spend money on. is this some misguided corporate attempt to try to revamp his image, like ‘yeah he was a plantation-y southern gentleman and symbolically there’s no way it’s not at least a little racist to glorify him but look…he did just help you get to ikea’

on the other hand, if it’s not affiliated with the company that raises SO MANY MORE questions, like who did this? does colonel sanders have some sort of underground fan community? was there a forum somewhere on the internet where colonel sanders die-hards were all wistfully expressing their longing to have that fried chicken guy’s voice drawling in their ear during long road trips and then finally one lone man stepped forward to fill that gap with a microphone, a dream, and a sub-par fake southern accent

what i said was, ‘…huh’

‘i had t-pain’s voice for a while but it got old really fast,’ said my driver

‘turn right,’ said colonel sanders

‘mm-hmm,’ i said

‘there’s a traffic camera up ahead,’ said colonel sanders. ‘if anyone asks, i was with you last night.’ then he chuckled, in a warm, folksy manner.

i realize this probably sounds like some sort of twisted postmodern tumblr joke, but no, these were the actual pre-recorded words the actual app said.

‘did your gps just jokingly imply colonel sanders committed a murder yesterday and needs an alibi,’ i asked.

‘what?’ said the driver, changing lanes. ‘yeah i guess.’

never in my life had a gps thrown me such a goddamn conversational curveball

like. was it a gps at all, or some sort of experimental new form of fiction, an avant garde crime story delivered in tiny dribbles in and among every hundred navigational tips? but no, if so we are talking some TRUE UNSOLVED MYSTERIES shit, because why the fuck is your dark antihero colonel fucking sanders?

was it a gps at all, or was the deceased wing-and-drumstick magnate now a vengeful ghost and my driver a bold and resourceful ghost-hunter who somehow managed to trap that malignant specter inside the car and bind the colonel’s will to his own and then use that will to get us to the airport via the most efficient available route?

either way, the driver did not divulge his secrets. the colonel droned on. the ride ended. the car drove away and still the truth eluded me, slippery as greased corn.

somebody call a paranormal investigator because we have a lot of shit to work out

[iswearimnotnaked-deactivated201]

i think bo burnham is my sugar daddy

[viciere]

ok but did he deliver

[iswearimnotnaked-deactivated201]

of course 

[koobaxion-deactivated20220403]

Man okay when I got my wisdom teeth out it was a fucking experience. Before the surgery wasn’t too interesting but as soon as I woke up I saw the nurse next to me and was all like “hey… i think… i died… and now I’m in a parallel universe… and i gotta go back to my house and kill the me from this universe” and he was just kinda like “alright, you do that”. And then the other nurse kept going in and out of the room to get things and I thought there was like 5 of her that kept coming out of the room, and then so when she was wheeling me out in a wheelchair I was like “damn… why are there so many of you… there’s like 5 many of you” and she was just kinda like “alright, you do that”.

Anyway I got to the car and my dad was there and he was like “how ya feeling son” in the dadliest way possible and I was like “MAN I AM PUMPED LETS GET SOME JUICE I’M STARVED” so we drove about 3 blocks to a jamba juice, whereupon I say “I’m good I can do this” and run/drunkstumble 30 feet to the door. I burst in the door like a viking returning from some fucking battle and holler “WHATS UP FUCKS” to everyone in the store, which was thankfully just the 2 people behind the counter, who looked probably as scared/confused as a jamba juice employee could look.

So anyway, as my dad explained the situation I looked up at the jamba juice menu and was utterly fucking lost in it. Like I swear I was looking at this menu board for a year, deciphering this Rosetta stone of fruits. I distinctly remember that I was looking at each item in a smoothie, thinking of how it tasted, then moving on to the next thing and thinking of how that tasted, and how they would taste together. Since most smoothies had 3 or 4 items, this took some thinking. So my dad sees me in this extreme brain blast state of mind and says “hey are you going to order or what”. Keep in mind I’m on the first fucking smoothie on the list here. So I just say “shush man I’m trying to do fruit science”, and then when I realized that this process could take literal years, I just said “yeah give me a smooth regular” which for the uninitiated, isn’t actually a real thing on any menu. Oh, also I asked them if the “boosted” smoothies would give me super powers and then pointed my fingers at them and made “lightning noises”.

So my dad just orders me the first thing on the menu and I go to sit down and stare out the window or some shit and my thoroughly amused dad just looks at me and says “how ya feelin?”. Now at this time I was feeling a lot of things, but most noticeable to me was the gauze in my mouth, so I just look at him and say “there’s these fuckin… tiny sheep in my head” which at the time was the best way I had to convey this feeling. Anyway about that time, the jamba juice guy brings us our drinks and he gives me a small thing of mario kart stickers and I swear I almost cried from the tsunami of emotion that gift made me feel (I still have them).

Anyway the rest of the story is we drove home and I explained this programming project I was working on to my dad in perfect detail somehow and then I came home and went on facebook and posted a comment on my friends status (because I couldn’t find the status update bar) that read: “i just took a lort of painkillers and yelled at everyone in a jambo juice”